sábado, 11 de marzo de 2017

Stuck in Emotional Energy [Day 165]


Recently I have been struggling with intense emotional energy due to having inner conflict that I blame on X. This emotional energy is interfering in all the other relationships I have in my external world. It’s like when I have a problem with X, I can’t do well at work, I don’t express myself through music as I always do, I even notice that my face feels straight with no life in it so to speak.

I have recently been experiencing pain on my right shoulder and even an eye effusion. I have caught myself ‘lost’ in this emotional energy and it seems hard sometimes for me to even identify/name the emotions, although I am able to recognize it’s negative energy, because it manifests in my solar plexus.

I have been in a constant state where I feel well and then I again go into the emotional energy and this has been increasing lately. For instance today I got angry due to something that was said by X and I felt like breaking stuff. I have no memories of me breaking stuff in the past, so this got me worried, because those violent intentions already manifested dimensionally within my mind.

So, in that moment I also noticed that I was enjoying the anger energy, because it somehow made me feel powerful. I also noticed how I wanted to punish X through not talking to them, isolating myself and even ignoring them deliberately. I can tell that what made me feel bad this time was that I took personal X’s behavior and I felt almost like being used and not appreciated. I also went into the victim character where I thought that I am giving too much of myself for this relationship to work while X’s contribution is not the same, that’s why I also felt as though X was taking advantage of me.

I have also been having problems within my communication with X, because when I share my perspective, X’s feedback seems to be a bit out of context and based on excuses.

Earlier X approached me and as soon as I saw this person walking into me, I noticed how I became crossed. This person asked “what’s going on with you?”, but I didn’t want to talk and just say “I don’t want to see you right now. I will talk to you though” and as this person started insisting I preferred not to look at them and even avoid eye contact until they left the room.

It’s like there’s this hopelessness within myself and I am starting to become tired of experiencing this emotional energy. I always try to speak with X and find solutions, but I am starting to think “this is not working and I don’t to repeat the same speed over and over again, because it’s them that have to also contribute with their 50%, but I can’t force them or convince them”.

I know that there’s no way that they are making me feel this way, because it’s all my creation and that I project it into X. Therefore, as it is my own creation I will start by forgiving the shit in my head.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “They sent me a nice and cute message on Whatsapp only because they were going to change plans, therefore, they are manipulating me to get what they want without me feeling bad about it”, when actually it’s me manipulating myself by projecting into X the mechanisms I have applied with my parents since I was a child, where every time I wanted to get something, I would try to trigger some positive energy on them first, and then ask for what I really wanted/needed, because if I didn’t do that, I knew that their response was going to be “no”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “I am doing more for this relationship than X” without realizing that in doing that I am comparing myself through playing the victim character where I see myself as inferior for doing more, where the only thing that I am doing there is playing the polarity game that keeps me trapped and only seeing things uni-dimensionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger when making X’s words personal, because I thought that X was playing me fool, when actually it was me playing me fool through reacting to my thoughts, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can make the decision to change who and how I want to be in my relationship with my thoughts, feelings and emotions and that that automated response does not have to be perpetuated over and over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have remained loyal to my emotional interpretations and reactions, instead of remaining loyal to myself as who I really am as my utmost potential; meaning, walking through this, standing up and not accepting and allowing myself to react, but instead, stop my participation in the energetic experience through taking a deep breath, forgive myself and then have a look again at the point with clarity in order to find practical and commonsensical solutions. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the anger energy, because I felt empowered, without realizing that anger is a system, it’s not real empowerment, because what it’s real goes beyond the mind as the life/substance that’s physical  without the influence of mind programming and also because real empowerment is a decision to be lived and in no way an emotional reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to break stuff as though in doing that, I was going to solve my inner conflict, without realizing that in doing so, I was going to create compromising consequences and zero support to myself, because I would have ended up like “I fucked it up. This was not necessary, because what I have to do is to direct myself and not act from the emotion”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lost within the emotional reactions that come up when I have thoughts and backchats in relation to X, where I convince myself that “I can’t identify the emotions” and the self-forgiveness statements go repetitive over time, without understanding that self-forgiveness with no practical application is useless, that’s why I am being able to really stop this shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand that if I am not clear within myself in relation that what’s really going on inside of me, I won’t be able to be clear in my communication with anyone, because first, I have to understand what are the emotions involved in order to release them and then, stop the pattern and be able to speak with clarity, so I can explain myself better and thus, others can understand my point better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear acknowledging that one of the biggest emotions that exist within myself in relation to X is jealousy, which activates through the thoughts I accept and allow to believe within my mind, because as I do not stop them, then I start going into imaginations where I imagine all sorts of bullshit that the only thing I get through that is feeling worse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have channelled this emotional energy towards other relationships I have in my external world, such as my job, music and other responsibilities, such as the DIP and educating myself through reading, writing, exploring points; basically losing touch with myself and with what I really enjoy doing, which is expressing myself in multiple fields.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have place my relationship with X as a priority in terms of always being available for them, therefore, when I do not see reciprocity in the way that I would like it to be manifested, I make it personal and go into patterns of jealousy, sadness, worry, fear, anger, frustrations, helplessness, comparison, and lots of imaginations which ends up in paranoia, that’s why I am not really here and I get stuck.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the relationship which must be a priority is the relationship with myself first and foremost, because if the relationshipI have with myself is of inner conflict, projecting blame, anger, etc - that’s what I am going to create outside, while if I create solutions for myself, that’s what I am going to manifest towards my external world/relationships; meaning, if I am stuck within myself, I will be stuck in all my other relationships, but if I push myself to walk through this and find solutions, I will also move and find solutions within the other fields where I express myself, such as my job, music, DIP, etc.

More to come on my next post…

viernes, 10 de marzo de 2017

The Liar Character Within Me [Day 164]


Today I would like to share how I found the Liar Character within me and how throughout my life I had defined myself as someone honest that spoke the truth without realizing where the Liar Character was hiding. It was in words, but not all the words, that’s the point.

I realized this point by first being an observer, for instance when people shared information - especially girlfriends - I didn’t like that they were not very specific when I asked them questions. I wanted all the details, otherwise I thought they were lying when the information was not clear.

So, I in a moment when going to share an anecdote during last week, I had already in my mind how I was going to do it, not like ‘planned’, but more in real time seeing the words in my mind before speaking them - and I noticed that I wanted to hide myself from something. So, I didn’t mention ‘I’ in my mind, because I wanted to avoid saying that I said/did something. And I realized that it was because there was a more involved level of participation in me, in the sense of having done something that I wouldn’t have liked to be done unto me.

Therefore, in my mind I was not going to mention something I did/said, but instead presented as 'it just happened and it's not relevant who created it'. But, in that moment I decided to do something that I had never done. I told the person “You know, there was some parts of the information that I was going to hide while I was telling you about this anecdote” and then I started opening up the point for myself and explained to the other person why I was going to hide in a way of sharing how I detected the ‘lies virus’ so to speak.

I realized that I feared being judged for doing it, that’s why I wanted to keep an ‘acceptable image’ and also avoid a possible argument that was only possible in my mind, because when I mentioned this to the other person, there was apparently nothing wrong with the fact of speaking about it. But this person said “I bet if I had done/said what you did, you would have become upset at me”.

So, I judged myself for having done something that I wouldn’t have liked it to be done ‘onto me’, which was basically opening back doors. But, within this I realized that I was doing nothing ‘wrong’ really, it’s just that if that other person had done what I did, I would have reacted in anger and jealousy

Another dimension that I am able to see now is that there was this desire within myself to have this person doing the same. Like “Hey, I am telling you this, so you have to do the same and tell me everything and not hide behind words”; meaning, doing it for myself, but also kind of forcing the other person to be like me, because I think that they tend to always hide behind white lies which is something that I myself have been doing, but never corrected within myself first honestly.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind the words that I speak/don’t speak because I fear what others may think of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my self-definition of being an honest person that always tells the truth of the events if I am to tell the truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed more value on my self-created definition of being an honest person, instead of really listening to myself and seeing the words that I share when I speak with other beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences that may take place if I am to mention my responsibility in front of others when I am sharing an anecdote, instead of unconditionally stand up in the consequences and be able to see for myself what’s beyond my own fear and self-judgments.   

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone into pauses within my speech when I am not telling the truth, because within my mind I am changing the words in order to make the version sound in a way that I wouldn’t judge if I were someone else listening to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that other people will judge me for what I have done, without realizing that what happens there it’s me projecting my own judgments and morality towards them which is reflected back to myself for me to take responsibility for it, instead of hiding. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dare to open up this point in front of X only because I have judged them as a liar that hides information from me, so I was in an attempt to tell them “You see? This is what you have to do as well. Learn from me”, without realizing that in doing that, I was not fully doing it for myself, because I went into separation, which means that I was not even being true/honest with myself = I was lying to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have decided to open up about how I found lies behind my words in front of X from my superior/arrogant character in an attempt to persuade them to do the same, because if they did so, I would feel that I am being told the truth and I would believe that now they are being more honest and that they deserve to have a relationship with me, when actually whom I have to teach is myself so to speak, because I am the one who has not fully learned nor applied this realization in my life as a decision to really change the patterns that I judge in others.

Self-Commitments


When and as I see myself hiding behind words I stop and breathe. I realize that I am doing so because I fear what other people think of me and also because I fear losing my self-created definition of an honest person that always tells the truth, without realizing that in attaching myself to a belief of me being an honest person, I am actually deceiving myself, because I am be-LIE-ving it, not be-LIVING it.

I commit myself to drop my self-created definition/belief of being an honest person that always tells the truth and to start really seeing and listening to my words when I speak/write, especially the intentions behind it, so I can get to know myself better and thus, change myself for the better.

When and as I see myself trying to teach someone as my superior/arrogant character by sharing how I am identifying patterns, such as the liar character, I stop and breathe. I realize that I can’t teach anything, because I have just identified the pattern, but I haven’t yet applied/lived the real change that needs to take place first, which means that I am in the beginning of the process; where still much work remains to be able to share solutions that I have tested by myself in self-honesty.

I commit myself to only share what I have changed and tested for myself within my personal process.

I commit myself to share solutions instead of trying to force or persuade someone to do something, because the one who has to live the change is me - it does not work as “I realize it, but you apply it”. It’s my own responsibility and each one must realize it for themselves to be genuine and real. 

martes, 28 de febrero de 2017

Part II: When You See Only What You Want to See (Day 163)


This is the continuation of my previous post. Here I go with the Self-Forgiveness statements as well as the Self-Corrective Statements.


Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get distracted by thoughts and emotions due to certain events that have taken place in my life when listening to information being shared, without realizing that in doing so, I am creating misinterpretations when I get back to paying attention again, because I am not listening to the whole timeline of what is being shared.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get used to be absorbed by the emotional energy that I have attached to my problems and instead of paying attention to what is being shared, I go into imaginations in relation to my problems which create more and more emotional energy and I get more and more distracted from physical reality. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop my participation in the emotional energy when I am being absorbed by it, because even though I can write it down and sort it out, I just rather go into feeling/positive energy by thinking other stuff that make me feel better, instead of standing up, leaving all the energy aside and bring forward my awareness/expression as a being in the presence of myself as who I decide to be in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know who I am in such situations where I am being absorbed by emotional energy, because I just let the emotional energy to define me where my expression is non existent. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the consequences that being distracted due to participating in my mind can be, because I can create a whole alternate reality which is a mixture of what is within my mind and the information being shared in my present moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am an objective person, without realizing that in saying that, I am already creating a belief/idea about myself - and in doing so; in defining myself as the mind, I am limiting self instead of expanding, because I am only seeing myself as an idea that exists in a quantum ‘reality’ and not as physical and practical action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind when people are sharing information with me, because I got used to do that when I have issues that concerns me, so it has become a pattern where in a quantum moment, my being is channelled into my mind system and even my body language changes, because I sit in a comfortable position - almost like ready to sleep - and then, one of my hands immediately go to my hair and I start playing with it and I take a passive stance instead of pushing myself to participate more and paying attention so I can provide some feedback and deal with what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the more I go into this pattern, the less I am able to see reality, because what I am doing when ‘I believe what I want to believe’ is that I am thinking instead of seeing - and thinking is only mind programming, which is a biased version of reality that inhibits me from being objective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do unto others as I would have them done unto me, because when I share myself, I like to be paid attention and hearing/reading some feedbacks, which is something that I am unable to do when going into my mind, because I am more distracted in building energy through imaginations while people are speaking, instead of paying attention to what is going on here in physical reality.

Self-Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself getting distracted because I go into my mind and build energy for imaginations based on problems I am facing, I stop and breathe. I realize that in doing that, I am only existing in a mind reality instead of being here, which leads into me not paying attention to what’s going on in my world, for instance, people sharing interesting insights and wanting some feedback from me, which is unacceptable, because in doing that I am not living the principle of give as you would like to receive.

I commit myself to explore and re-define the word Presence in order to find and apply solutions for the next time I see myself facing a similar situation, because I have realized that in such moments I don’t know who I am and I am only defined by the mind.

When and as I see myself going into positive energy when facing problems that create negative emotions within myself, I stop and breathe. I realize that in doing so, I am only believing that I am fine and that everything will be fixed, instead of me directing myself and creating solutions that are real, concrete and practical. 


I commit myself to stop myself and breathe once I am going into the other side of the polarity equation, in order for me to sound self-forgiveness and take note on the points that I would like to explore through self-writing and thus, find a real solution to my problems.

viernes, 24 de febrero de 2017

When You See Only What You Want To See (Day 162)


Someone made an observation about me after communicating with them a couple of times. They noticed that I tend to see only what I want to see; meaning, that I understand things in the wrong way.

At first I was within myself like “But, how can that be possible if I try to be objective when I observe or listen to the information being shared?”, until today while watching a video and then, when giving it a second watch, I realized that “Hey, the first time I watched the video I understood something completely different to what I am understanding now”.

So, I asked myself “Why did that happen?” and in self-honesty I can say that I was not fully aware of what I was doing. I was watching the video, but at the same time having a chat and also concerned about a problem I had. 

It’s like for moments I am paying attention, but then I go into my mind. Then, I get back to my body/awareness and I listen to the information and ‘understand what I want to understand’ or what it’s related to what I was thinking of without even knowing where that information shared came from as a timeline to really understand what the person wanted to share from the beginning.

This has happened to me several times since last week and I can tell that’s because I have been keeping my mind preoccupied and that, creating intense emotions within myself that lead into imaginations, thoughts, inner dialogues, etc. while listening to other people, where I lose touch with what is here in my reality.

On the one hand, I realize that this is unacceptable because I am twisting information and then, once I believed what I wanted to believe, it leads me into acting in a certain way, making specific decisions, having specific thoughts/backchats - all biased because of misunderstanding the initial piece of information due to being distracted.


And on the other hand, this is not respectful also for the people I interact with, because I have even had to tell them “Wait a minute, I missed what you were saying” and they again have to repeat themselves, which is something that I wouldn’t like to be done onto me, because everyone wants to be paid attention when sharing, right?

Another dimension that I am able to see is that sometimes I believe what I want to believe because I already was approaching the new information from a belief that I myself created within myself. 


For instance when you go self-righteous about your interpretation in relation to others, and then, the next information only functions as more ‘evidence’ against them, like all they shared only adds more and more layers that won’t let me see reality, because they function as justifications for me to continue believing what I believe and as excuses for them, because in my mind they are only avoiding to be honest about a specific point, when actually the one that is not being honest with me is myself, because I was the one that immediately jumped into conclusions/assumptions instead of taking that information back to myself; acknowledging that I went into a reaction, giving a step back, breathing, releasing the emotional energy and when the energy's gone, approach the situation again once clear and stable within myself - and thus, avoid to be biased and creating an alternate reality within and as my mind system.

I will continue with the self-forgiveness statements on my next post. 

viernes, 3 de febrero de 2017

Judging The Way that I am Being Approached (Day 161)


Some days ago I started having reactions towards someone that is visiting the house where I am currently living. This reactions were justified by me because apparently they had something ‘against me’. For instance when I asked questions or shared some information, their face would frown and I went within myself “Are they judging me? Probably they don’t like me. Have I done anything that made them go that way? Because this person didn’t have those reactions towards me in the past”.

What was confusing to me was that this person then had ‘nice intentions’, for instance inviting me to eat and things like that. Then, what happened was that I noticed that this person started talking to me more, but I judged them as ‘violent’/'hostile'. For instance they would see me and say “good night” when I was getting out of my room when it was actually morning.

Here in my country when you say “good night” and it’s not night, it’s because you are trying to tell the other person that they woke up late or that they are lazy. So, I would took their words personally. And then again, “Hey if you want to eat, do it, there’s plenty of food. Oh and tomorrow we will cook this and that and you can come”.


So, what I have realized so far is that I had conditioned myself to approach this person as though they were judging me, that’s why I didn’t feel comfortable around them. I realized “Hey, maybe they are just trying to be nice/friendly and that’s the way they are nice. It’s just that their jokes are not funny to me”.

So, I was placing all my interpretations about them as though I was right. Then, what I did was to observe this person. I observed how they would behave in front of other people and yes, same thing, also the frown, so I thought “Maybe this person does those gestures without even being aware of it. It could also be a tic”. For instance I have seen that sometimes people that wear glasses frown in an attempt to place the glasses in the right position without using their hands.

Therefore, what I had to do was to drop the idea that I had about this person and understand that what I thought about them could be a possibility, but that there were also other possibilities that I wasn’t considering. So, instead of becoming hermetic, I would share with them more, trying to understand their jokes and also support them when it came to cooking and helping within the dynamics of the house.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged someone that had a frown as though they didn’t like what I was saying/doing, without realizing that maybe they just wanted to see me better by adjusting their glasses. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken this person’s frown personally and then, I started activating personalities when I was around them, for instance, the defiant character, where I would go very close to their face when they were saying jokes in an attempt to say “Here I am, what do you have to say?” while at the same time my body would become tense/rigid and then, as I couldn’t handle the awkwardness, I stopped looking into this person’s eyes and placed my hands in my pocket and then, tried to get out of there and avoid having contact with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my interpretations about people as though what comes up within my mind was absolutely accurate, without realizing that I was giving value to my interpretations because I had previously judged this person’s behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge someone else’s sense of humor as violent, as though they were trying to impose their lifestyle into me by trying to say I was lazy or that I should get up earlier, without realizing that I can also make fun of it and address the situation from a different perspective without taking things personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand that the more I believe in my interpretations, the more I would participate in backchats and then, personalities will be activated and my ‘expression’ will be part of programming instead of being me the one who express myself out of any personalities that inhibit me from getting in touch with the real being that’s in front of me besides their behavior or sense of humor.


Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself taking personally someone else’s facial expressions, I stop and breathe. I realize that a frown can come from different reasons and it does not necessarily mean that people are judging me.

I commit myself to stop taking frowns as though people were judging me and instead, I commit myself to open myself to get to know them better, placing myself in their shoes and if there’s something that compromises me somehow, share it through communication.

When and as I see myself reacting to jokes that according to my perception function as an attempt to change my lifestyle, I stop and breathe. I realize that people have different way of approaching others. Sometimes people try to be friendly but they create the opposite. Sometimes people struggle when trying to come closer to you.

I commit myself to stop taking jokes personally when I think and believe that they are trying to change or making fun of my lifestyle.

I commit myself to change my approach to such people that I have judged through my interpretation, for instance, approaching them as I would like to be approached, so they can see who I am and that it’s not necessary to start communication always by saying jokes about what you do.

When and as I see myself believing in my interpretations about other people, I stop and breathe. I realize that the more I believe in my interpretations, more backchats and misinterpretations will come up, because I am not question my mind, but only giving it the power to determine for me how reality functions.


I commit myself to release the thoughts, backchats and interpretations I have about other people when I judge their facial gestures or the way they behave or the way they talk to me through self-forgiveness in order for me to be able to get to know them better and enhance our communication/interactions.

jueves, 26 de enero de 2017

Angry Reactions When Being Confronted (Day 160)


I am currently visiting my parent’s house and yesterday morning I had an argument with a member of my family. In a nutshell, I did something that was considered by this individual as disrespectful, like I had transgressed 'the rules of the house'.

This person then made sure to inform others about what I had done and that’s when this person approaches me and the argument started. Some weeks ago we had already had a very similar argument where - according to their words - my behavior was not good.

For quite some years I’ve had arguments with this person. But, most of the times this person was the one that had reasons to ‘tell me off’ so to speak. It’s like we can’t communicate effectively. Actually the last time we had an argument I remained calmed and let the person know that they were angry and that even their facial gestures changed and that they were not accepting a ’no’ as an answer to their request.

This time when this person approached me, I said “I don’t want to talk to you anymore. So, please let me talk about this with the rest, but I won’t do it with you”. Well, I ended up arguing lol. And the outcome was not the best, because we both started saying stuff that ‘hurt’.

I noticed that in that moment where I was like “I haven’t done anything wrong” vs “You do not respect the house” made me feel that they were being unfair with me. To me it was like too much of a scandal for a tiny thing - tiny according to me, but a big deal to them. 

Even though I said “ok, let’s focus on the practical. I did it because I feel safe here in the house, I didn’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. I won’t do it again” - I noticed that they wanted to add more and more and going like “but, assume it”, like wanting me to apologize or something like that, but to me all that was needed was a commitment to not do it again.

I then noticed how I started becoming angry and the argument ended up in throwing up harmful words of no support at all, but only making the other person feel bad through speaking thoughts and backchats that I had suppressed from previous arguments.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to - when feeling confronted by X - start participating in a mind fight where I told this person harmful words about their lives in order to make them feel bad, because I thought that they were being unfair with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger when thinking that people are being unfair with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose my awareness on my breathing and just react angrily in an attempt to protect myself and win the argument by making the other person feel bad and remain quiet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the only way I have to solve the situation in such tense moments where I am being confronted by someone is through making them feel bad for them to remain quiet and leave me alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically react to this anger by feeling my mouth shaking, like wanting to cry, feeling my body tense and my breathing going faster. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that X is a fussy person that over reacts and always complaints, because they live a bitter life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in reacting I believed that I was ‘releasing’ many suppressed emotions that I have been struggling with lately, without realizing that I was only participating in a sort of verbal diarrhea by speaking up my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that X deserved being treated the way I treated them, because of me always feeling like the person to be criticized by them throughout all these years. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself think and believe that X is someone who lives in a bubble because they have been pampered from childhood up to now and that they need to live more and have more experiences because their hermetic and lonely life make them become unhappy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged X as a jealous and toxic person that needs to learn more about life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to walk away and isolate myself from my family, when actually the problem is not my family, but the relationship I have with this particular individual that lives here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that X is an abusive person that takes advantage of others and then hypocritically claims that they stand for the rules of the house when in fact they do not even take care of their pets by cleaning their poops and pee.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone into this mind state where I only see the faults of this individual, without realizing that in doing so, I am acting in the same way they have done it towards myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have desired that this individual was never born.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have desired to see this individual humiliated in front of me, as though that would make me feel better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have desired to see this person fail in their life projects so I can go and tell them “see where your behavior took you” in an attempt to make them realize that they are ‘wrong’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have always participated in a relationship of friction with this person and even though I tried changing myself, I noticed that this person, instead of seeing me as giving a step back, they though that I was only ‘accepting’ their behavior, when actually I was avoiding conflict by suppressing what was on my mind when this being was always complaining in front of me - but that led me into frustration instead of walking through it and continue finding ways to let this person know in a ‘nice way’ that they were fucking it up, so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project all the friction and anger that was created into everyone else, without realizing that in doing so, I am going into absolutes which limit my ability to see reality and acting practically.

Self-Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself being confronted about my behavior, I stop and breathe. I realize that being confronted is not something ‘cool’ so to speak, especially if the person who is confronting me is someone with whom I have a long history of arguments and that instead of falling into the mind game of friction, I can just ask them to stay away and then only talk with the ‘people in charge’ or also listen to them, but remaining grounded and focused on my breathing so I can stand stable and avoiding a reaction or just say “look, I don’t feel well right now. Let’s discuss it later”. 

I commit myself to focus on my breathing when being confronted, so I can remain here as every breath and not go into an emotional reaction by being influenced by the other person’s words.

I commit myself to find ways in which I can become more grounded when being confronted, so I can avoid the conflict and then agree on talking about the issue later once everyone is more calmed down and not only going into honesty as speaking up what emerges within the mind.

When and as I see myself reacting angrily where I want to throw harmful words, I stop and breathe. I realize that what I am doing is only making everything worse, because I am not respecting myself by doing that and neither the other person.

I commit myself to stop using harmful words when participating in arguments, because I realize that every word I speak functions as a seed that goes into the other person’s mind and will influence their lives. 

I commit myself to become aware of the words I speak, especially when I react in anger, because I realize the importance of the words I speak and how they can support or fuck up someone else’s life.

When and as I see myself generating energy that comes from anger when I am in an argument, I stop and breathe. 

When and as I see myself wanting to see people having bad times for me to feel righteous in relation to what I thought about them, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am doing the exact same thing that I judge from X when I have been confronted, where there’s a winner and loser relationship and where winning means to see the other person experiencing only the negative in their lives.


I commit myself to focus on people’s potential when I am talking to them, avoiding to ‘see’ them through polarized filters and thus, be able to talk to them and get to practical solutions, not only focusing on their reaction, because when I do that, I react in an attempt to protect myself. 

martes, 10 de enero de 2017

From Control to Self-Control (Day 159)


I have observed that in deeper layers within my consciousness there exists this desire for control that comes from ‘good intentions’, like as though in having control of my environment, people's behavior, and how things play out, I am going to succeed so to speak.

What I have noticed is that the more I want control, the more I am out of control. This is separation, it’s me wanting to look for control outside, in my external world, because I fear that things won’t work out. Therefore, the starting point of me wanting to have control comes from fear. And the fear activates because I am not applying or living self-control.

I have realized that the way one reacts pretty much determines the output, whether something unexpected took place or when someone approaches us from a ‘negative’ stance, which means that if I am living self-control, my reaction in relation to anything that may play out in my environment - through my self-controlled ‘reaction’ - will be easier to address and thus, the outcome will be more ‘controlled’ if you will, because I as who I am, will be creating control of myself and my own mind from within to without.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have control, because I think and believe that if I do not have control, then the outcome will be ‘negative’. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that in having control over everything I am going to have a better life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can control everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can control people’s actions. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have looked for control out of myself, without realizing that in doing so I am participating in separation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for control out of myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the only control that is real is self-control; meaning, controlling my own mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions that create the ‘out of control’ experience that leads into desperately wanting to look for control out of oneself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that control outside can give me self-control.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the starting point of wanting to have control is fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have existed in fear and then, go into wanting to have control as though in having control I was going to feel better and stable.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that becoming stable and grounded starts with self. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on control, because I think and believe that in having control, everything will be better, without realizing that that type of control which starting point is fear, only creates polarity, because it’s based on self-interest; on what’s ‘positive’ to me and what’s apparently positive to others according to the same self-interest and fear.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that I can’t have control over everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached myself to the word control without learning how to let it go.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this world is in fact out of control through everyone wanting to have control not only over their own lives, but the lives of others as well, without taking into consideration the consequences such actions create.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go out of control if I do not have control, without realizing that in doing so, I am trapping myself within and as polarity equations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone out of control when there’s some information that I do not know, because I become obsessed with it and can’t ground myself, because I go into what ifs, imagination, and projections, instead of breathing in, breathing out and realize that if there’s something I want to know, I can just take my time, go to that person once I am stable, and ask, without necessarily becoming desperate and going into a quantum spiralling

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself wanting to have control over my external world or over people’s actions/behavior, I stop and breathe. I realize that when I desire to have that control it’s because I am actually myself going out of control and the attempt to want some control comes from the fear of failing.

I commit myself to become self-control instead of looking for control outside.

I commit myself to live self-control through getting to know my own mind, how to stop my participation in thoughts, emotions and feelings, and also through self-writing, which is the best way to change my own mind.

When and as I see myself going out of control because I desperately want to control something/someone, I stop and breathe. I realize that in that moment I have to breathe and calm myself down, because I am not living self-control, that’s why I want to look for it outside.

I commit myself to remind myself that the only control that is real is self-control and that no matter how hard I try, it’s impossible for me to have absolute control over situations/people’s behavior.

I commit myself to live self-control and make it a part of myself, because in doing so, I become a living example of the word control from where other people can also see and learn instead of me trying to change their minds from the starting point of fear of failing.

When and as I see myself becoming obsessed/desperate and going into a quantum spiraling when I do not know specific information about something/someone, I stop and breathe. I realize that in that moment I have lost absolute control of myself, because I have become obsessed, in fear, going into imaginations, and projections, like saying “Mind, you take responsibility for me”, instead of me standing up and direct my inner reality so I can see the outside more clearly; for what it is and not for what my mind thinks it is.

I commit myself to calm myself down through breathing when I am becoming obsessed and desperate because I do not know specific information about something/someone.

I commit myself to write down or sound self-forgiveness when I see myself participating in the desire for control over things/people. 


I commit myself to place the focus on myself in order to start developing self-control through knowing how to deal with my own mind instead of wanting to control others’.

I commit myself to stop thinking and believing that I can control things/people’s behavior.