sábado, 29 de abril de 2017

Skeletons in the Closet [Day 167]


Some days ago I was told something that had been hidden from me because this person thought that if I was to find out, consequences were going to manifest, such as making the decision to no longer continue our relationship; fear of loss I suppose and fear of facing consequences.

During the last couple of days I have been seeing this event from different perspectives rather than just reacting out of emotional energy, because I have learned that when we immediately react, you are not able to see things clearly and you may say or do things that you will eventually regret.

In terms of what’s going on inside me, it is interesting, because I thought I would experience myself more energetically charged, I mean, a sort of intense and depressed mind state for instance.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t catch myself experiencing emotions in moments where everything’s going well. But, in such moments - where I trip over Pain and Disappointment - I remind myself that no matter what the other person does or does not, I am still here and I still have myself to support myself in walking through this experience that I have also experienced many times in the past, therefore, instead of sinking into the emotions that come from thoughts/backchats that tell me that I have been betrayed, fooled, used, cheated, etc, I decide to take responsibility by focusing on myself instead of blaming the other person.

in situations like this, you tend to feel hurt and then, it activates a pattern where after feeling hurt, you experience anger and even desires of revenge can come up in your mind. Also, you might think “If they did this to me, then I have the right to pay back with the same and they will not be allowed to complain about my actions, because they already did the same, plus they have to experience themselves how it feels to be in my shoes, so they can really learn from this to not do it again” - kind of punishing them emotionally and taking advantage of the situation through justifications which are only part of self-manipulation.

There’s one thing that is clear here for me and that is that I won’t change myself into an expression that is not supportive for me and for others, I mean, I won’t let this situation affect me as it did in the past. I decide to stand up and no matter what, continue walking through situations like these unconditionally, not for others, but for myself, because that’s all I got = ME

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience Pain and Disappointment within myself after being told something that had been hidden from me, because I felt like being fooled and cheated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when I have been lied or cheated - that I have to feel bad and inferior as though I have lost an important part of me that constitutes who I am, when actually what constitutes who I am is what I accept and allow to do in every moment, even when they are sour situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have changed my behavior in front of the person that lied to me when the memory of what they did activates within my mind, because I become distant and within my mind the backchat says “Wait a second, remember that they did this and that — be careful; do not believe in what they say or do”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced disgust/revulsion towards this person every time I remember what they did.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can’t forgive this person for what they did when actually, before being able to forgive them, I have to forgive myself first for similar actions that I have done and never took responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have hidden information from other people in relation to what I have done, because if I am to tell them, I fear that our relationship might break up, without realizing that the more I hide with secrets and the guilt they bring, the worst the consequences will be for the relationship when the truth reveals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have feared facing the consequences of my actions, that’s why I’ve kept skeletons in my closet, instead of realizing that it’s a matter of honor, self-responsibility, self-honesty and consideration to face and then correct what I have done that is of no support for my relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached myself to morality when it comes to the polarity of Truth v/s Lies, because I have thought and believed that people that lie are ‘bad’ and people that tells the truth are ‘good’, without realizing that that very thought/belief has limited myself, because no one wants to be bad, that’s why we hide the ‘bad’ in order to remain ‘good’, which is in essence self-dishonest, because it is a mask that we use to hide that which we fear to change for the best; it’s an indication that the more we hide, the more we are limiting our own self-change, self-growth and self-expansion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have preferred to remain hidden with secrets that do not honor my relationship with people, without realizing that in doing that, I am creating distrust instead of what everyone wants, which is Trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created distrust in my relationships with other people when actually I have always wanted Trust to be a strong principle within those relationships, but my actions end up being completely different to my intensions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have the courage and bravery to even explore or question that which I hide in order to at least show a little interest in changing that which I know it’s not a contribution for myself nor for any relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have feared that I am going to receive a sort of punishment if I dare to speak the truth, without realizing that that punishment is only an idea/belief that I am creating and keeping due to past experiences in previous relationships that have nothing to do with my current moment/reality.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can’t change my current moment/reality due to past experiences in previous relationships, without realizing that in doing that, I am perpetuating the past and letting it permeate my present which is where I have the directive principle to change.

I will continue on my next post…

sábado, 1 de abril de 2017

Part II: Stuck in Emotional Energy [Day 166]


This is a continuation from my previous post. I was reading it earlier and also listened to an interview on Eqafe called ‘When stopping thoughts is not enough’, which pretty much describes how I have been experiencing myself, where the self-forgiveness statements I have written down and even sounded became repetitive and more as a response to the mind state I was experiencing than a real solution.

I mentioned in my previous post that I was having problems with identifying the energies involved and it was because I was stopping my thoughts on the surface level only, but not going beyond; meaning, exploring my subconscious mind by identifying/naming the energies.

I also noticed that I was not able to identify the emotional energy, because I was busy following thoughts that then lead into imaginations, therefore my mind was creating imaginations through me following thoughts, while forgetting about my physical body, but only feeling trapped in the energy that was possessing me so to speak.

This also led me into not being able to communicate effectively when having the chance to talk, because in such moments where I am reacting within myself, there are people around me that know me very well and they notice when I am shifted into my mind because they observe my unconscious mind through my behavior/facial gestures. 

So, again; if I am not clear within myself and I am busy creating energy through imaginations, I won’t be able to communicate effectively, that’s why my response in such cases is avoidance, which is not something ‘bad’, per se, because if I am not ready to speak, not speaking is an option, but the problem is when it becomes a pattern where I end up not even communicating with myself and trying to avoid communication because apparently ‘I am not ready’, which is an excuse, because I am not pushing myself to explore and define the energy within myself. 

So, I have been applying something that was mentioned in the interview which is focusing on the energy instead of the thoughts, which is the opposite that I was doing, because I was kind of playing ping pong with my conscious mind, but the origin of the mind state I was experiencing is in my subconscious mind.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted with my thoughts by following them and then going into imaginations, where I forgot how my physical body was being influenced by the energy that I was creating through imaginations created by my own thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used self-forgiveness as a response to my thoughts instead of really going deeper in exploring what exists in my subconscious mind by focusing on the energy I am experiencing first and foremost and thus, find practical solutions where I can express myself instead of participating in programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so overwhelmed by the emotional energy that I thought that I was not able to name it and as a consequence, not able to ‘get out’ of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am weaker than energy when I am not able to name the exact emotion that it is possessing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel trapped in the belief that I myself created where I think that it’s not possible for me to move on if I am not able to deal with the emotional energy, but instead of focusing on the energy, I was busy entertaining my mind by thinking thoughts. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created pages and pages of self-forgiveness where there’s no commitments in relation to what I am going to start living so as to change myself in relation to stopping the patterns that keep me trapped, because I was only using self-forgiveness as a response to my thoughts, instead of addressing the energy involved.

Self-Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself feeling trapped by emotional energy, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am trapped because I am following thoughts that then lead into imagination, that’s why I forget about my physical body and only feel it possessed by energy.

I commit myself to placing my focus on the energy I am experiencing when I go into emotions, instead of following thoughts.

When and as I see myself blaming people for the way I feel, as though it was their fault that I am experiencing myself that way I do, I stop and breathe. I realize that blaming people for the way I feel is useless, because I am the one who is responsible for myself; meaning, all that I am experiencing as energy is my creation due to participating in my mind and getting lost in thoughts instead of really stopping myself in the moment and focusing on my body, so as to release the energy .

I commit myself to stop blaming people for the way I feel and instead, I commit myself to take full responsibility for my mind and the energy I built through following thoughts.

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that I am weaker than the energy that I am creating, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am giving my power away to the mind by creating my own belief as self-limitation instead of supporting myself to move on and stop the pattern.

I commit myself to practice embracing the energy when I see myself experiencing intense emotions so I can focus on it, understand it, name it and thus, be able to release it and see more clearly and thus, align myself to the physical.

When and as I see myself reacting in anger and wanting to break stuff, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am experiencing those desires because anger gives me the illusion of being ‘empowered’, when actually real empowerment is constructive and not destructive, and instead of wanting to break stuff, I can choose to calm myself down and find a solution in self-honesty that is the best for me and the best for all.


I commit myself to breathe through the anger energy when I feel like breaking stuff so as to release it and then, I commit myself to ground myself here, move slower and with care so I can physically calm myself down instead of reacting. 

sábado, 11 de marzo de 2017

Stuck in Emotional Energy [Day 165]


Recently I have been struggling with intense emotional energy due to having inner conflict that I blame on X. This emotional energy is interfering in all the other relationships I have in my external world. It’s like when I have a problem with X, I can’t do well at work, I don’t express myself through music as I always do, I even notice that my face feels straight with no life in it so to speak.

I have recently been experiencing pain on my right shoulder and even an eye effusion. I have caught myself ‘lost’ in this emotional energy and it seems hard sometimes for me to even identify/name the emotions, although I am able to recognize it’s negative energy, because it manifests in my solar plexus.

I have been in a constant state where I feel well and then I again go into the emotional energy and this has been increasing lately. For instance today I got angry due to something that was said by X and I felt like breaking stuff. I have no memories of me breaking stuff in the past, so this got me worried, because those violent intentions already manifested dimensionally within my mind.

So, in that moment I also noticed that I was enjoying the anger energy, because it somehow made me feel powerful. I also noticed how I wanted to punish X through not talking to them, isolating myself and even ignoring them deliberately. I can tell that what made me feel bad this time was that I took personal X’s behavior and I felt almost like being used and not appreciated. I also went into the victim character where I thought that I am giving too much of myself for this relationship to work while X’s contribution is not the same, that’s why I also felt as though X was taking advantage of me.

I have also been having problems within my communication with X, because when I share my perspective, X’s feedback seems to be a bit out of context and based on excuses.

Earlier X approached me and as soon as I saw this person walking into me, I noticed how I became crossed. This person asked “what’s going on with you?”, but I didn’t want to talk and just say “I don’t want to see you right now. I will talk to you though” and as this person started insisting I preferred not to look at them and even avoid eye contact until they left the room.

It’s like there’s this hopelessness within myself and I am starting to become tired of experiencing this emotional energy. I always try to speak with X and find solutions, but I am starting to think “this is not working and I don’t to repeat the same speed over and over again, because it’s them that have to also contribute with their 50%, but I can’t force them or convince them”.

I know that there’s no way that they are making me feel this way, because it’s all my creation and that I project it into X. Therefore, as it is my own creation I will start by forgiving the shit in my head.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “They sent me a nice and cute message on Whatsapp only because they were going to change plans, therefore, they are manipulating me to get what they want without me feeling bad about it”, when actually it’s me manipulating myself by projecting into X the mechanisms I have applied with my parents since I was a child, where every time I wanted to get something, I would try to trigger some positive energy on them first, and then ask for what I really wanted/needed, because if I didn’t do that, I knew that their response was going to be “no”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “I am doing more for this relationship than X” without realizing that in doing that I am comparing myself through playing the victim character where I see myself as inferior for doing more, where the only thing that I am doing there is playing the polarity game that keeps me trapped and only seeing things uni-dimensionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger when making X’s words personal, because I thought that X was playing me fool, when actually it was me playing me fool through reacting to my thoughts, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can make the decision to change who and how I want to be in my relationship with my thoughts, feelings and emotions and that that automated response does not have to be perpetuated over and over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have remained loyal to my emotional interpretations and reactions, instead of remaining loyal to myself as who I really am as my utmost potential; meaning, walking through this, standing up and not accepting and allowing myself to react, but instead, stop my participation in the energetic experience through taking a deep breath, forgive myself and then have a look again at the point with clarity in order to find practical and commonsensical solutions. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the anger energy, because I felt empowered, without realizing that anger is a system, it’s not real empowerment, because what it’s real goes beyond the mind as the life/substance that’s physical  without the influence of mind programming and also because real empowerment is a decision to be lived and in no way an emotional reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to break stuff as though in doing that, I was going to solve my inner conflict, without realizing that in doing so, I was going to create compromising consequences and zero support to myself, because I would have ended up like “I fucked it up. This was not necessary, because what I have to do is to direct myself and not act from the emotion”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lost within the emotional reactions that come up when I have thoughts and backchats in relation to X, where I convince myself that “I can’t identify the emotions” and the self-forgiveness statements go repetitive over time, without understanding that self-forgiveness with no practical application is useless, that’s why I am being able to really stop this shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand that if I am not clear within myself in relation that what’s really going on inside of me, I won’t be able to be clear in my communication with anyone, because first, I have to understand what are the emotions involved in order to release them and then, stop the pattern and be able to speak with clarity, so I can explain myself better and thus, others can understand my point better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear acknowledging that one of the biggest emotions that exist within myself in relation to X is jealousy, which activates through the thoughts I accept and allow to believe within my mind, because as I do not stop them, then I start going into imaginations where I imagine all sorts of bullshit that the only thing I get through that is feeling worse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have channelled this emotional energy towards other relationships I have in my external world, such as my job, music and other responsibilities, such as the DIP and educating myself through reading, writing, exploring points; basically losing touch with myself and with what I really enjoy doing, which is expressing myself in multiple fields.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have place my relationship with X as a priority in terms of always being available for them, therefore, when I do not see reciprocity in the way that I would like it to be manifested, I make it personal and go into patterns of jealousy, sadness, worry, fear, anger, frustrations, helplessness, comparison, and lots of imaginations which ends up in paranoia, that’s why I am not really here and I get stuck.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the relationship which must be a priority is the relationship with myself first and foremost, because if the relationshipI have with myself is of inner conflict, projecting blame, anger, etc - that’s what I am going to create outside, while if I create solutions for myself, that’s what I am going to manifest towards my external world/relationships; meaning, if I am stuck within myself, I will be stuck in all my other relationships, but if I push myself to walk through this and find solutions, I will also move and find solutions within the other fields where I express myself, such as my job, music, DIP, etc.

More to come on my next post…

viernes, 10 de marzo de 2017

The Liar Character Within Me [Day 164]


Today I would like to share how I found the Liar Character within me and how throughout my life I had defined myself as someone honest that spoke the truth without realizing where the Liar Character was hiding. It was in words, but not all the words, that’s the point.

I realized this point by first being an observer, for instance when people shared information - especially girlfriends - I didn’t like that they were not very specific when I asked them questions. I wanted all the details, otherwise I thought they were lying when the information was not clear.

So, I in a moment when going to share an anecdote during last week, I had already in my mind how I was going to do it, not like ‘planned’, but more in real time seeing the words in my mind before speaking them - and I noticed that I wanted to hide myself from something. So, I didn’t mention ‘I’ in my mind, because I wanted to avoid saying that I said/did something. And I realized that it was because there was a more involved level of participation in me, in the sense of having done something that I wouldn’t have liked to be done unto me.

Therefore, in my mind I was not going to mention something I did/said, but instead presented as 'it just happened and it's not relevant who created it'. But, in that moment I decided to do something that I had never done. I told the person “You know, there was some parts of the information that I was going to hide while I was telling you about this anecdote” and then I started opening up the point for myself and explained to the other person why I was going to hide in a way of sharing how I detected the ‘lies virus’ so to speak.

I realized that I feared being judged for doing it, that’s why I wanted to keep an ‘acceptable image’ and also avoid a possible argument that was only possible in my mind, because when I mentioned this to the other person, there was apparently nothing wrong with the fact of speaking about it. But this person said “I bet if I had done/said what you did, you would have become upset at me”.

So, I judged myself for having done something that I wouldn’t have liked it to be done ‘onto me’, which was basically opening back doors. But, within this I realized that I was doing nothing ‘wrong’ really, it’s just that if that other person had done what I did, I would have reacted in anger and jealousy

Another dimension that I am able to see now is that there was this desire within myself to have this person doing the same. Like “Hey, I am telling you this, so you have to do the same and tell me everything and not hide behind words”; meaning, doing it for myself, but also kind of forcing the other person to be like me, because I think that they tend to always hide behind white lies which is something that I myself have been doing, but never corrected within myself first honestly.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind the words that I speak/don’t speak because I fear what others may think of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my self-definition of being an honest person that always tells the truth of the events if I am to tell the truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed more value on my self-created definition of being an honest person, instead of really listening to myself and seeing the words that I share when I speak with other beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences that may take place if I am to mention my responsibility in front of others when I am sharing an anecdote, instead of unconditionally stand up in the consequences and be able to see for myself what’s beyond my own fear and self-judgments.   

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone into pauses within my speech when I am not telling the truth, because within my mind I am changing the words in order to make the version sound in a way that I wouldn’t judge if I were someone else listening to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that other people will judge me for what I have done, without realizing that what happens there it’s me projecting my own judgments and morality towards them which is reflected back to myself for me to take responsibility for it, instead of hiding. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dare to open up this point in front of X only because I have judged them as a liar that hides information from me, so I was in an attempt to tell them “You see? This is what you have to do as well. Learn from me”, without realizing that in doing that, I was not fully doing it for myself, because I went into separation, which means that I was not even being true/honest with myself = I was lying to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have decided to open up about how I found lies behind my words in front of X from my superior/arrogant character in an attempt to persuade them to do the same, because if they did so, I would feel that I am being told the truth and I would believe that now they are being more honest and that they deserve to have a relationship with me, when actually whom I have to teach is myself so to speak, because I am the one who has not fully learned nor applied this realization in my life as a decision to really change the patterns that I judge in others.

Self-Commitments


When and as I see myself hiding behind words I stop and breathe. I realize that I am doing so because I fear what other people think of me and also because I fear losing my self-created definition of an honest person that always tells the truth, without realizing that in attaching myself to a belief of me being an honest person, I am actually deceiving myself, because I am be-LIE-ving it, not be-LIVING it.

I commit myself to drop my self-created definition/belief of being an honest person that always tells the truth and to start really seeing and listening to my words when I speak/write, especially the intentions behind it, so I can get to know myself better and thus, change myself for the better.

When and as I see myself trying to teach someone as my superior/arrogant character by sharing how I am identifying patterns, such as the liar character, I stop and breathe. I realize that I can’t teach anything, because I have just identified the pattern, but I haven’t yet applied/lived the real change that needs to take place first, which means that I am in the beginning of the process; where still much work remains to be able to share solutions that I have tested by myself in self-honesty.

I commit myself to only share what I have changed and tested for myself within my personal process.

I commit myself to share solutions instead of trying to force or persuade someone to do something, because the one who has to live the change is me - it does not work as “I realize it, but you apply it”. It’s my own responsibility and each one must realize it for themselves to be genuine and real. 

martes, 28 de febrero de 2017

Part II: When You See Only What You Want to See (Day 163)


This is the continuation of my previous post. Here I go with the Self-Forgiveness statements as well as the Self-Corrective Statements.


Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get distracted by thoughts and emotions due to certain events that have taken place in my life when listening to information being shared, without realizing that in doing so, I am creating misinterpretations when I get back to paying attention again, because I am not listening to the whole timeline of what is being shared.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get used to be absorbed by the emotional energy that I have attached to my problems and instead of paying attention to what is being shared, I go into imaginations in relation to my problems which create more and more emotional energy and I get more and more distracted from physical reality. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop my participation in the emotional energy when I am being absorbed by it, because even though I can write it down and sort it out, I just rather go into feeling/positive energy by thinking other stuff that make me feel better, instead of standing up, leaving all the energy aside and bring forward my awareness/expression as a being in the presence of myself as who I decide to be in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know who I am in such situations where I am being absorbed by emotional energy, because I just let the emotional energy to define me where my expression is non existent. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the consequences that being distracted due to participating in my mind can be, because I can create a whole alternate reality which is a mixture of what is within my mind and the information being shared in my present moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am an objective person, without realizing that in saying that, I am already creating a belief/idea about myself - and in doing so; in defining myself as the mind, I am limiting self instead of expanding, because I am only seeing myself as an idea that exists in a quantum ‘reality’ and not as physical and practical action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind when people are sharing information with me, because I got used to do that when I have issues that concerns me, so it has become a pattern where in a quantum moment, my being is channelled into my mind system and even my body language changes, because I sit in a comfortable position - almost like ready to sleep - and then, one of my hands immediately go to my hair and I start playing with it and I take a passive stance instead of pushing myself to participate more and paying attention so I can provide some feedback and deal with what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the more I go into this pattern, the less I am able to see reality, because what I am doing when ‘I believe what I want to believe’ is that I am thinking instead of seeing - and thinking is only mind programming, which is a biased version of reality that inhibits me from being objective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do unto others as I would have them done unto me, because when I share myself, I like to be paid attention and hearing/reading some feedbacks, which is something that I am unable to do when going into my mind, because I am more distracted in building energy through imaginations while people are speaking, instead of paying attention to what is going on here in physical reality.

Self-Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself getting distracted because I go into my mind and build energy for imaginations based on problems I am facing, I stop and breathe. I realize that in doing that, I am only existing in a mind reality instead of being here, which leads into me not paying attention to what’s going on in my world, for instance, people sharing interesting insights and wanting some feedback from me, which is unacceptable, because in doing that I am not living the principle of give as you would like to receive.

I commit myself to explore and re-define the word Presence in order to find and apply solutions for the next time I see myself facing a similar situation, because I have realized that in such moments I don’t know who I am and I am only defined by the mind.

When and as I see myself going into positive energy when facing problems that create negative emotions within myself, I stop and breathe. I realize that in doing so, I am only believing that I am fine and that everything will be fixed, instead of me directing myself and creating solutions that are real, concrete and practical. 


I commit myself to stop myself and breathe once I am going into the other side of the polarity equation, in order for me to sound self-forgiveness and take note on the points that I would like to explore through self-writing and thus, find a real solution to my problems.

viernes, 24 de febrero de 2017

When You See Only What You Want To See (Day 162)


Someone made an observation about me after communicating with them a couple of times. They noticed that I tend to see only what I want to see; meaning, that I understand things in the wrong way.

At first I was within myself like “But, how can that be possible if I try to be objective when I observe or listen to the information being shared?”, until today while watching a video and then, when giving it a second watch, I realized that “Hey, the first time I watched the video I understood something completely different to what I am understanding now”.

So, I asked myself “Why did that happen?” and in self-honesty I can say that I was not fully aware of what I was doing. I was watching the video, but at the same time having a chat and also concerned about a problem I had. 

It’s like for moments I am paying attention, but then I go into my mind. Then, I get back to my body/awareness and I listen to the information and ‘understand what I want to understand’ or what it’s related to what I was thinking of without even knowing where that information shared came from as a timeline to really understand what the person wanted to share from the beginning.

This has happened to me several times since last week and I can tell that’s because I have been keeping my mind preoccupied and that, creating intense emotions within myself that lead into imaginations, thoughts, inner dialogues, etc. while listening to other people, where I lose touch with what is here in my reality.

On the one hand, I realize that this is unacceptable because I am twisting information and then, once I believed what I wanted to believe, it leads me into acting in a certain way, making specific decisions, having specific thoughts/backchats - all biased because of misunderstanding the initial piece of information due to being distracted.


And on the other hand, this is not respectful also for the people I interact with, because I have even had to tell them “Wait a minute, I missed what you were saying” and they again have to repeat themselves, which is something that I wouldn’t like to be done onto me, because everyone wants to be paid attention when sharing, right?

Another dimension that I am able to see is that sometimes I believe what I want to believe because I already was approaching the new information from a belief that I myself created within myself. 


For instance when you go self-righteous about your interpretation in relation to others, and then, the next information only functions as more ‘evidence’ against them, like all they shared only adds more and more layers that won’t let me see reality, because they function as justifications for me to continue believing what I believe and as excuses for them, because in my mind they are only avoiding to be honest about a specific point, when actually the one that is not being honest with me is myself, because I was the one that immediately jumped into conclusions/assumptions instead of taking that information back to myself; acknowledging that I went into a reaction, giving a step back, breathing, releasing the emotional energy and when the energy's gone, approach the situation again once clear and stable within myself - and thus, avoid to be biased and creating an alternate reality within and as my mind system.

I will continue with the self-forgiveness statements on my next post. 

viernes, 3 de febrero de 2017

Judging The Way that I am Being Approached (Day 161)


Some days ago I started having reactions towards someone that is visiting the house where I am currently living. This reactions were justified by me because apparently they had something ‘against me’. For instance when I asked questions or shared some information, their face would frown and I went within myself “Are they judging me? Probably they don’t like me. Have I done anything that made them go that way? Because this person didn’t have those reactions towards me in the past”.

What was confusing to me was that this person then had ‘nice intentions’, for instance inviting me to eat and things like that. Then, what happened was that I noticed that this person started talking to me more, but I judged them as ‘violent’/'hostile'. For instance they would see me and say “good night” when I was getting out of my room when it was actually morning.

Here in my country when you say “good night” and it’s not night, it’s because you are trying to tell the other person that they woke up late or that they are lazy. So, I would took their words personally. And then again, “Hey if you want to eat, do it, there’s plenty of food. Oh and tomorrow we will cook this and that and you can come”.


So, what I have realized so far is that I had conditioned myself to approach this person as though they were judging me, that’s why I didn’t feel comfortable around them. I realized “Hey, maybe they are just trying to be nice/friendly and that’s the way they are nice. It’s just that their jokes are not funny to me”.

So, I was placing all my interpretations about them as though I was right. Then, what I did was to observe this person. I observed how they would behave in front of other people and yes, same thing, also the frown, so I thought “Maybe this person does those gestures without even being aware of it. It could also be a tic”. For instance I have seen that sometimes people that wear glasses frown in an attempt to place the glasses in the right position without using their hands.

Therefore, what I had to do was to drop the idea that I had about this person and understand that what I thought about them could be a possibility, but that there were also other possibilities that I wasn’t considering. So, instead of becoming hermetic, I would share with them more, trying to understand their jokes and also support them when it came to cooking and helping within the dynamics of the house.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged someone that had a frown as though they didn’t like what I was saying/doing, without realizing that maybe they just wanted to see me better by adjusting their glasses. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken this person’s frown personally and then, I started activating personalities when I was around them, for instance, the defiant character, where I would go very close to their face when they were saying jokes in an attempt to say “Here I am, what do you have to say?” while at the same time my body would become tense/rigid and then, as I couldn’t handle the awkwardness, I stopped looking into this person’s eyes and placed my hands in my pocket and then, tried to get out of there and avoid having contact with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my interpretations about people as though what comes up within my mind was absolutely accurate, without realizing that I was giving value to my interpretations because I had previously judged this person’s behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge someone else’s sense of humor as violent, as though they were trying to impose their lifestyle into me by trying to say I was lazy or that I should get up earlier, without realizing that I can also make fun of it and address the situation from a different perspective without taking things personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand that the more I believe in my interpretations, the more I would participate in backchats and then, personalities will be activated and my ‘expression’ will be part of programming instead of being me the one who express myself out of any personalities that inhibit me from getting in touch with the real being that’s in front of me besides their behavior or sense of humor.


Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself taking personally someone else’s facial expressions, I stop and breathe. I realize that a frown can come from different reasons and it does not necessarily mean that people are judging me.

I commit myself to stop taking frowns as though people were judging me and instead, I commit myself to open myself to get to know them better, placing myself in their shoes and if there’s something that compromises me somehow, share it through communication.

When and as I see myself reacting to jokes that according to my perception function as an attempt to change my lifestyle, I stop and breathe. I realize that people have different way of approaching others. Sometimes people try to be friendly but they create the opposite. Sometimes people struggle when trying to come closer to you.

I commit myself to stop taking jokes personally when I think and believe that they are trying to change or making fun of my lifestyle.

I commit myself to change my approach to such people that I have judged through my interpretation, for instance, approaching them as I would like to be approached, so they can see who I am and that it’s not necessary to start communication always by saying jokes about what you do.

When and as I see myself believing in my interpretations about other people, I stop and breathe. I realize that the more I believe in my interpretations, more backchats and misinterpretations will come up, because I am not question my mind, but only giving it the power to determine for me how reality functions.


I commit myself to release the thoughts, backchats and interpretations I have about other people when I judge their facial gestures or the way they behave or the way they talk to me through self-forgiveness in order for me to be able to get to know them better and enhance our communication/interactions.