lunes, 19 de septiembre de 2016

Frustration in Aloneness (Day 149)


I am writing right now in order to explore myself in relation to something that I would call a ‘mind state’ where I tend to go which is related to ‘wanting to go out’ and realizing that ‘I have no one to go out with’.

Since I moved to a different city, I have become dependent on certain people that live here in order to go out and get access to certain contexts. So, today it is like the third time that I am experiencing something similar since I moved here.

I would describe it as frustration. It’s like frustrating to not have access to those people/contexts when I want to, because somehow with those people I have been able to do other activities in my free time besides working in a school.

I have a close friend who lives here, but as this friend is currently out of the city, I feel this frustration in relation to not being able to go out as usual, plus having to work tomorrow and this thought of “I wasn’t able to enjoy myself fully as I should” pops up, which ignites this experience of “I don’t want to be here”.

I realize that this is also related to wanting to have control. Like being able to decide when I want to do something without depending on others to do it, because it is through those people in my world that I have access to other contexts/activities. So, in a way I feel limited.

What I have also been experiencing is this hope for a Relationship that emerges from all this nebula. For instance when I am free, I don’t think of going out to clubs or visiting strident places. I go “I would rather just have a partner with whom I can spend my free time just being myself, staying home, playing music, taking naps and eating nice food”, like in this stance of “hey, it wouldn’t be bad at all” lol.

But, what I see here is that I would be desiring a relationship in order to not feel that I am ‘wasting my free time’ when my friends are not around or when I feel frustrated for not having access to those activities/contexts. As though having this ‘unconditional’ person in my life would equally fit in my desire for control when I want to do stuff without depending on others.

Now – the way I experience this physically in my body is through an energetic movement in my solar plexus, which is of course related to a negative emotion that is the one that I previously named frustration.

Also, what I have realized thus far, is that this energetic experience also contributes to apathy, because I could go out alone, I can play music alone, I can write alone, etc – but, the longer I remain in this experience, the harder is for me to move on and release it, because even though my guitar is next to me, it’s like “I don’t feel like playing it”; making my expression in music completely dependent on energy instead of a genuine and unconditional self-expression. 

So, what I see here is the following; it’s like I believe that I need something external in order to be able to enjoy myself. Now – this is not something new to me at all. And it is interesting, because even though I have been aware of how certain patterns work, I then realize that “hey, I am actually participating in one”; the one that I have accepted and allowed myself to create in subtle moments of unawareness when I abdicate responsibilty and make my expression rely on positive energy; the positive energy that I get when I go out, when I have access to the contexts/people I want – when I have control, when I can dose positivity where I identify there’s a lack of it because of feeling frustrated when things do not function according to my desires and needs.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have control in relation to when I decide to dose the positive energy within my perceived ‘frustration’, when I am not able to go out with friends or have access to certain contexts/activities in order to believe that “I am enjoying myself to the fullest”, without realizing that if I charge my expression positively, then I will experience the negative side of the polarity equation, because positive cannot exist without the negative and vice versa.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have conditioned my mind and body to experience the frustration emotion in my solar plexus when things do not go according to my wants and needs, which then leads to apathy, just like what happens after that ‘boost’ that is provided by drugs after you experience the high (positive).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into apathy when I experience frustration within myself after I see that things have not gone according to my wants and needs, where I see that there are other things that I can do in my physical reality, but as ‘I don’t feel like doing it’, I abdicate my responsibilty to that energetic movement that was first created by one single thought and then I end up only suppressing/accumulating instead of releasing, understanding and creating practical solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not enjoying myself to the fullest if I don’t see my friends or have access to certain activities/contexts when I want to, without realizing that I can enjoy myself in every moment once enjoyment is a word that one unconditionally live in every aspect of their lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need a relationship/partner in order to always have someone that will agree with my ideas, desires and needs, without realizing that even without currently having an actual relationship, I am already creating an expectation and idea of how a partner should act and behave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the solution to being bored and feeling frustrated is to have a girlfriend/relationship, as though in doing so, I would have more control over my positive experiences, without realizing that I am pre-conditioning something from the starting point of self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a starting point to have a relationship the thought "I would rather just have a relationship so I won't waste my free time".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that 'to live my life to the fullest' is in relation to having control, not experiencing frustration, not feeling alone, and having a relationship that can help me not feel alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I am having ‘free time’ that does not coincide with other people’s free time, I can start exploring new areas where I can start expanding myself more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that since I have a new job, that that’s all I have to do, without realizing that I can still do more stuff, without having to perpetuate the tendency I have to always go to bed when I have nothing to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the frustration I experience within myself when apparently I am not able to go out or have access to certain contexts/activities is indicating that there are some points that I have to introspect beyond, so as to continue working on the development of my utmost potential where new skills can be discovered and flourished.

Self-Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself experiencing frustration through an energetic movement in my solar plexus when I am apparently not able to go out, meet up with people or have access to certain activities/contexts, I stop and breathe. I realize that I can start exploring new areas within my life where I can expand myself into my utmost potential.

I commit myself to make a list of the things I can start exploring/developing in relation to self-expansion, such as cooking, helping out in the house, self-education, learning how to play the piano, etc.

I commit myself to ask myself “Is there anything pendent that I have to get done?” when I am experiencing that frustration when I am apparently not able to go out and meet up with my friends, in order to first address what is already here in my reality and start moving on instead of accumulating work for instance.

When and as I see myself thinking that I am dependent on the people that live here in this city to do my stuff, I stop and breathe. I realize that yes, there are things that I get through them, but the way I express myself cannot be dependent on them.

I commit myself to stop believing that I am dependent on other people to express myself.

I commit myself purify my starting point in relation to meeting up with friends, because if I am meeting up with them only because ‘they have something that will help me create positive energy’, then; problem.

I commit myself to investigate what is it that I have access to as an expression when I meet up with friends so as to start working on it and making it an unconditional part of myself that exists within myself.

When and as I see myself thinking that I need a relationship/partner in order to not feel bored or frustrated when I am not able to go out, I stop and breathe. I realize that in having those thoughts, I am pre-establishing how a partner must behave and act, without considering that following such thoughts and and any thought will lead into a Quantum Spiralling where the mind goes out of control and ends up in a possession.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I am experiencing the frustration and the desire as the thought “I wish I had someone”, in order to release the energy and ground myself here in the physical and see how I myself can in fact be that ‘someone’, because it’s me the one who makes the decision and walks through it, with or without 'others'.

I commit myself to assist and support myself in terms of becoming my own partner, meaning; being the one that is with me, the one that can do stuff on my own and that the only one that is important is one as One and Equal.

When and as I see myself charging my expression positively, I stop and breathe. I realize that I tend to 'feel good' when I do stuff and that I have conditioned myself to experience that ‘reward’, that’s why when I do not have access to it, I experience frustration.


I commit myself to stop and breathe when I see myself charging what I am doing or what I have just done positively, because there’s no need to participate in energy when what we want to create is something real as the physical.   

sábado, 13 de agosto de 2016

Why Do You Look at The Speck in Your Brother's Eye, But Fail to Notice The Beam in Your Own Eye? (Day 149)


Within this post I am going to place myself in an individual’s shoes in order to apply self-forgiveness on the patterns I have observed exist within themselves that are creating conflict within their lives and the lives of others when it comes to communication and the dynamics in relationships.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for the way I feel within myself, without realizing that the anger, hate, and frustration I experience are indicating that there are certain points in my world/life that I am not addressing in self-honesty, that’s why it is much easier to abdicate responsibility and project it onto others instead of facing it myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how the way I express myself within communication when I am angry through my voice tonality, body language and facial gestures make the way I express myself infertile, because what I create is friction instead of understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not treat human beings equally, because I project my anger, hate, and frustration towards those that I have defined as ‘inferior than me’, without realizing that in doing so, I am not applying the principle of do ‘unto others as you would have them do unto you’, which means that I am accepting and allowing myself to also be treated as an ‘inferior human being’, because if there exists inferior, there exists superior within the mind, therefore, I am implicitly accepting and allowing myself to be treated as an inferior by those that I have defined as ‘superior than me’ in relation to social status, jobs, knowledge and information, and money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with the desire of revenge when I am not able to demonstrate that I am right, that’s why I unconsciously start speaking louder, my body becomes tight, my facial gestures become aggressive and then, the attempt of trying to do something to the other person ignates in order to not let them ‘get away with it’ and get the feeling that I have not ‘lost’, which means “I am not inferior”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate this emotional reactions throughout these years, without realizing that this affects me as my body, my mind, and my relationship with others and their lives, because I am not being able to build effective relationships where communication is the main tool to understand each other and also, I am not realizing the extent to which this will be an example for the younger generations; those that see me as an example whether I want to be an example or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how the way I express myself influences the minds and lives of the ones around me, because my actions and words will become memories that will be emotionally charged within their minds and bodies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to listen to the support other people give me, because the only thing I do is listen to them as usual, but then I do not apply it in my life in order to create a real change within myself, and instead of that, I again fall into the trap of blaming others for the way I am, which leads into a vicious cycle, moving in circules by default, without being able to stand up and take responsibility for my own mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions, and move forward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have get used to always have people giving me support without me myself being able to stand up alone as one and equal and create within myself the change that I would like to see in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry when people are honest towards myself, because I am not able to listen to their words, place them within myself, see where do those words resonate within myself in order to take them into consideration within the process of changing myself to become the best version of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all this anger, frustration and hate is only limiting myself to become the best version of me, because instead of expanding myself into self-growth, I am only perpetuating patterns that were created even when I was a child, therefore, everytime I repeat the patterns, I am moving backwards, just tacitly saying “mind, you take responsibility for myself. Activate all those patterns that you have been activating since I am a child, because I am not able to take responsibility for myself”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to no see, realize and understand that I am not a mind, because the mind is a platform which consists of thoughts, feelings and emotions, but I am not only that; I am a human being and I am able to program and deprogram my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my mind control myself instead of me standing up and saying “stop! I am going to take responsibilty for my life and I am going to deprogram myself from all those patterns in order to program my mind again so as to become the best version of me.

Self-Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself blaming people for the way I am or the things that have taken place in my life, I stop and breathe. I realize that I myself am resposible for myself and that blaming is only a trap that limits me from expanding myself towards my utmost potential.

I commit myself to stop blaming others for the way I am or the things that have taken place in myself.

I commit myself to start working on myself in order to see what aspects of my life need to be aligned towards expanding myself and becoming the best version of me.

When and as I see myself becoming angry within communication, I stop and breathe. I realize that becoming angry is not going to solve anything, because instead of understanding, I am creating conflict.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I see myself becoming angry within communication.

I commit myself to focus on my breathing when I becoming angry, in order to see how in that moment I am switching myself to the mind, abdicating all responsibilty to the patterns that exist in my life and that keep me enslaved.

I commit myself to stop participating in the conversartion when I realize that I am speaking louder and becoming angry and say “give me a moment. I am becoming angry and I need to calm myself down” and then, once the energy is gone, continue with the conversation.

When and as I see myself treating others as inferiors, projecting all my anger towards them, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that there is no such thing as superior or inferior, because we are all equals and therefore, I don’t need to treat others as I wouldn’t like to be treated.

I commit myself to stop believing that are people that are superior or inferior than me in order to treat them as I would like to be treated; as equals.

When and as I see myself judging others where I see them as inferior, I stop and breathe. I realize that all that I judge in others is only a reflection of what exists within myself, but as it is easier to project it onto others, I prefer taking the easy way instead of seeing the truth of myself, which is that I have to take deprogram myself from those patterns or aspects that I see in others that keep me trapped within my mind.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I am judging others and then, have a look at the judgement and see in self-honesty where in my life I do the same, so as to start changing myself first instead of only seeing the plank in others’ eyes.

miércoles, 3 de agosto de 2016

Being Drunk v/s Being Sober in a Club (Day 147)


Last weekend I went to a club in this new city I am currently living in. I usually go to clubs when there are bands playing live.That’s most of the times my starting point in relation to going to such places; watching and listening to new bands playing live.

So, once I have seen the bands and listened to their music it’s like I am already ‘done’ and I can go home because 'I already did what I had planned'. It is different when I have been to such places without having a clear starting point, because when I have done that in the past, it felt like being in a contant state of ‘expecting something to happen’, which leads to anxiety, that’s why you drink and smoke more – as though that physical action of directing your hand towards your mouth in a repetitive way - creating a pattern - was going to solve your inner state or give you a purpose.  

Anyways, I went to this club with a new friend and I was completely clean; no alcohol and no drugs in my body. The only thing I drank was water and the only ‘drug’ I consumed was a hot dog once we got out of that place lol.

So, I went to the techno/electro/dance sort of room where the Djs play some music and you move the way you want. It was cool because I was experimenting with my body doing different moves, even the moon walk lol - no kidding. I was trying to make my body move in a synchronized way, but at the same time trying different moves that you do not normally do because they may seem ridiculous.

For a moment I felt like being drunk and high. I was sweating and having fun on my own. Enjoying myself without needing something external to be able to express myself. What I realized is that most of the times people need that ‘extra boost’ to be able to express themselves in a more ‘free way’. But what they do not realize is that through drinking alcohol, they are only making their self-expression dependent on something else, looking for that ‘freedom’ out of themselves, instead of giving themseves the opportunity to develop it from the inside.

So, this new approach seems more real to me, because it’s something I am developing from within myself. And what has also supported me through this is singing or practicing rap songs while I am walking in the street. You know, sometimes people look at you like “what?”, but that’s the ‘worst’ thing you will get lol. It is like doing it for oneself and it does not matter whether other people make fun of you or not, because they have no idea and if they asked you, you explain, and then they will go “Oh, I now understand”.

It’s like what happened the first day I went to my new job. I went to the teachers’ room, left my backpack there and then went outside to walk through the corridors, read what students/teachers had hanging on the walls and those things, until one old man who apparently works there approached me and said “Hi, may I help you? Who are you?” and I said “Hi, I am a new teacher here”. He said “Oh, but you can come in”, and I said “Oh no, I have decided to be outside because I like breathing the fresh air mornings bring, plus I am having a look at the articles you have on the walls” and then he understood. Other people might have perceived what I was doing as “The new teacher is shy” lol.

martes, 2 de agosto de 2016

Moving to a New City (Day 146)


Last week I moved to a different city to start a new job as a teacher after being unemployed for a bit more than 1 year. It came unexpected and all of a sudden I had to move myself efficiently in order to get everything done, including bus tickets and paper stuff that are required to work in a school.

The last day I stayed in my previous city, one of my friends stayed with me throughout the process of getting things done and I noticed how I tended to become possessed by an emotional reaction of sadness, while thinking “this dude has always been here for me in very important moments, but I won’t see him or the rest of the guys in a long time again”.

It was like approaching that last day in my previous city as a sort of farewell, plus keeing in mind that I for the first time was going to work in a public school, so a whole new experience where I would have to adapt myself to a new environment, new colleagues, new students, different city, etc.

Anyways, I got here and so far I have felt home. I’m currently living in my grandma’s house and as I have family and friends here, I haven’t felt 'alone' so to speak. I have realized that is still me who is here no matter where I am. Plus, if there is something I learned through being unemployed is to be with myself and enjoy my own presence.

That learning process of being with myself is why I have felt comfortable, because first of all, I am developing that self-trust within and as myself and not looking for it ‘out there’ as I used to in the past when having my first job as a teacher, for instance.

I already met two classes. One of them was defined to me as a ‘complicated class’, but it wasn’t that bad. I thought they would stab me in the back or something like that lol but they just seemed talkative and sometimes do not show any interest in the lesson, but that happens in every school I guess. Anyways, you really get to know students when walking with them for a semester or even a year to my perspective, so there is still a whole road ahead to walk.

What else? I haven’t missed my family or friends yet. I have been quite stable so far, but I understand that it’s mainly because I am not alone and I know this city, because I was born here and I've lived here before when I was a child. I would probably be telling a different story if I was in a completely unknown place.

Another thing that I have noticed is that I feel empowered; meaning, like being able to do anything I want, because somehow ‘nobody knows me here’, so it is like ‘I have nothing to lose’. Plus, as I am already re-adapting myself to the system’s flow/rhythm; I am already walking what I had in ‘pause mode’, so I could start applying some ideas that I didn’t materialize while being unemployed and ‘out of the game’.

I will continue writing about this new process as long as it unfolds.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt sad because of approaching my last day in my previous city as a farewell, without realizing that I can still communicate with my family/friends and I am only 630 kilometers away from my previous city.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have participated in anxiety while keeping in my mind this idea that I had to face a ‘complicated class’ and this building fear within myself while simultaneously the image of me being punched or stubbed in the back by those students popping up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand that the mind always tends to make things bigger or worse – going to the extremes, without realizing that in such moments what I have to do is taking a deep in breath, deep out breath, and see my reality with/through my physical eyes with common sense, meaning, the practicality of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt like "I don’t care, I can do anything I want, because nobody knows me here" and charging it positively, without realizing that I don’t need to make it mind-based, but instead of feeding the feeling within my mind, I can materialize that statement to empower myself from a stable stance without depending on polarity to express myself.

Self-Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself charging my mind positively with statements such as “no one knows me here, so I feel I can do anything”, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am only feeding a feeling but I haven’t yet done anything in the physical.

I commit myself to apply the statements or realizations I have while being in this new city in order to live the words instead of only charging them with energy.

When and as I see myself going into sadness because I think I am going to miss my family and friends, I stop and breathe. I realize that I have myself, I have what I learned from family and friends within myself and what I have to do now is to live and apply all that I have learned from them and from myself in order to create a real change in myself and my world.

I commit myself to apply and live all I have learned from myself and other people in the past in order to continue changing myself and the world system as this new opportuniy to teach again has opened up.

I commit myself to support myself through writing the points that will open up while being in this new city.

lunes, 18 de julio de 2016

You Don't See, You Associate (Day 145)


Last night I was watching some videos on youtube in order to learn about poetry. I then decided to write my first attempt in poetry after being familiar with some basic rules that I was just learning.

What was interesting to realize through writing poetry is that I shared it with some people and their feedback was “You are ready to go to public transportation” (as a street performer), “I approached it as it was being said by an elementary school student”, “I read it as though it was rap”, “It’s a pity that you have to follow certain rules, because it limits you”.

Most people after reading what I wrote, only associated the new input (my writing) with something they had previously experienced in the past or their beliefs.

For instance the first feedback “You are ready to go to public transportation”, it’s because that person has probably seen people reading poetry or singing rap in buses, so they associate it with that memory.

Then “I approached it as it was being said by an elementary school student”. Again, memories of your experience at school in the past when seeing your classmates or children reading poetry in front of an audience and things like that.

“I read it as though it was rap”, because of the rhymes maybe and the 8 syllables in every verse.

And finally, “It’s a pity that you have to follow certain rules, because it limits you”. That’s only the belief you have created towards rules, because the only way you can break the rules is through learning them, because then you can be more specific in relation to what aspects and why you want to change them. Plus, there might be rules in relation to the structure, yes, but the content you express is up to you.

This is not something that I am sharing in order to judge those people’s feedbacks. I am actually glad that it happened, because it was the first time I had written poetry and then, through what they shared, I placed it within myself so as to see where and why I do the same when I face new situations or even people in my world, so I can step in and become the change of such patterns as a living example.

We tend to associate through perception and interpretation and we leave it just like that without being able to explore or see beyond. It is so easy and fast for the mind to jump in and create a whole idea based on perception and (mis) interpretation in relation to something or someone that we haven’t realized how that has become a pattern by default within ourselves.


This makes me ponder of “How many things have I misinterpreted throughout my whole life because of not seeing with my physical eyes, but only seeing through the mind’s I (eye)?”.

A cool exercise for me will be to become more aware of such moments when I am facing something for the first time and I start creating ideas and beliefs, so in that moment I can question myself and stop my participation in my mind, so my feedback is not only an opinion based on the information that’s stored in my subconscious mind, but maybe a question in order to learn more, for instance “what is it about?”, “How did you do it?”, “okay, I see. How does it function?”, etc.

Oh and here’s what I wrote.
It’s in Spanish which is my first language, though:

Mi primera poesía
No pensé que la haría
Si bien, yo sé de un lenguaje
Distinto es tener coraje

Sé que suena desafiante
Mas no busco impresionarte
En verdad soy un cantante
Y me expreso con el arte

Es difícil expandirse
Y de pronto liberarte
Hacer los miedos fundirse
No huir, sino enfrentarte

Doy un paso hacia el frente
Sin embargo, no hay apuro
Pareciera inconsecuente
Pero no, te lo aseguro

Y ésta es mi última rima
Ya con esto me despido
No hizo falta una tarima
Y algo nuevo he aprendido

jueves, 30 de junio de 2016

Reactions While Watching a Soccer Match (Day 144)


Last Sunday I was watching a soccer match where the Chilean team was playing a final match vs Argentina in order to win a cup.

To be honest I have never been into sports or watching sports, but as for many people a soccer match = meeting up, I have ended up watching the soccer matches through meeting up in such moments with my friends.

The people I usually meet to watch the soccer matches are very loud. It’s like they take it too serious and they are very involved with the match and everything around it.

Anyways, the match started and I realized I was quite stable within myself. I was like “wow I feel nothing within myself, they are just playing a soccer match”, this is it.

Suddenly, as long as I started paying more attention to the match and no goals were happening, I started reacting within myself. I was like “Come on guys! No, no, no why did you do that! You had the chance there and you lost it. Oh no, why?”, while within myself I was experiencing a mixture of anxiety, anger, joy, excitment, nervousness, happiness, and frustration.

The point is that it does not matter the way we feel when watching the matches, because the emotions are running in a quantum dimension within ourselves, but the actual match is taking place in the physical. What I mean by this is that it is not necessary to become that emotional. When I say ‘emotional’ that does not mean ‘sad’ as many people may interpret it. ‘Emotional’ meaning all the mind systems I was able to experience within myself as feelings and emotions, such as anxiety, anger, joy, excitment, nervousness, happiness, and frustration.

Those emotional mind states – as far as I have understood – are very addictive. They move according to a polarity dynamic, the same that happens with the match where you have a winner and a loser, where you become happy if you win and sad or frustrated if your team loses. So, it is a constant manifestation of such energies being switched into the negative and the positive polarity within ourselves while watching the matches.

Now – what it’s interesing is to place such dynamics into different fields and see how many contexts or moments can be influenced by this polarity. I mean, it’s not the moment but how we experience such moment because of the relationship we have created to them. You can see the same happening in every relationship we build basically, the relationship we create in bf and gf relationship for instance, where the one that ‘loves more’ is the ‘loser’ and the one that ‘loves less’ is the ‘winner’, because if I love you less than you love me, I have control, I can manipulate you. Of course this dynamics occur when one participate in energy, therefore these are energetic axioms that are not questioned nor desconstructed nor re-defined and nor lived differently, because we just accept them as such by default programming.

I can observe the same dynamics when one listen to music or watch movies, where we do not realize how we are accepting and allowing ourselves to become influenced by our imagination, instead of paying attention to the lyrics/words, the instruments, etc. One automatically and by default programming tend to give more importance to the experience that one is able to generate within self than what is really here.

I have been involved in listening to a song that I like over and over again while playing with my imagination and generating positive experiences within myself. One can literally get lost within imagination and waste lots of energy in doing that while in the physical, nothing is moving.

The problem that I see with these dynamics is that once there are no more resources from where to get such experiences, then we are shifted into the other polarity side of the equation. You know, we win or lose, that’s how the mind works. So what happens when you have built a relationship with another person based on energetic experiences and then you can’t generate more? That relationship ends, because “I don’t feel the same anymore”. So, such dynamics are not unconditional and are dependent on the generation of energy to be able to exist.

Same thing with masturbation and porn for instance. I mean, one does not masturbate always watching the same video. So, such dynamics tend to escalate in a desperate attempt to continue existing and experiencing an orgasm as the positive reward for the domesticated individual.

So yes, always looking for the orgasmic experience in everything. I guess that describes more or less the relationship one creates with everything when we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be directed by energy. We want to get an orgasm while watching a soccer match, we want to get an orgasm while going out with friends, we want to get an orgasm when we listen to music, we want to get an orgasm when arguing with people, we want to get an orgasm when we watch movies, etc. But life is not an orgasm, therefore, if you are looking for an orgasm in every relationship you create, you are not living as yourself and for yourself as who one really is beyond a mind programming.

Will continue...

miércoles, 29 de junio de 2016

Judging Someone I Don't Know (Day 143)


Last night I met some friends that I have been going out with lately. I usually pick them up outside of a store and then we hang out in my car. By the time I got there, I called one of them to tell him that I was already there. They were behind the store so it only took them a few seconds to approach me.

When I saw them walking into me, I realized there were too much people. In my car, 5 people can sit comfortably, so it’s always me and 4 of them. I realized they were 5. I started looking at them one by one while they were coming into me in order to see who was the ‘extra person’. I saw a guy I had never seen before and I noticed how I started judging him.

I judged him within myself because based on his body language, he seemed to be rude, like these people who tend to be aggressive and speak loud and things like that. When we said hi, I noticed he was staring at me, so the first thing I thought was “I bet he is judging me because I have a car. He must be thinking that I look like a rich and arrogant guy” lol.

I judged him because at first sight he seemed to be like a punk, wearing camouflaged pants. So, then I took my time and I observed him completely; from head to feet and I told myself “What are you judging? That’s only his clothes. You can’t know anything about him, because you don’t know him”.

I told them that it was better to hang out outside and not in my car and they agreed. While I was driving to the spot I noticed how I continued on having this idea that he was somehow judging me, so I was thinking “He has no idea about me either. He does not know all the skills I have. He is just a kid”, comparing myself through backchats wherein I presented myself as better than him.

Then, we got to the spot and I remembered I had a guitar in my car, so once we were all ready, I started playing the guitar while they were talking. I noticed that while this guy was speaking louder and everyone was paying attention to him, I stopped paying attention to him and started to play the guitar a bit louder, kind of deliberately and tacitly expressing “I don’t care about you”. Now – what he was saying in that moment was a speech that supports alcohol, so within myself I was “There’s no point in sharing my perspective in relation to alcohol and how it functions as a device of control in order to keep people enslaved”.

Then, we went to another place to have some hot dogs and while we were in my car after eating, I noticed how I started judging the way he pronounced the consonant “S” while he was speaking. I don’t know how to explain the way he pronounced that consonant, but it’s not relevant.

Now I am going to apply some self-forgiveness statements so as to stop this pattern that supports inequality among humans beings that when it’s placed in a bigger picture, you can see it as the foundation of the creation and justifications of wars in this world.

Self-Forgiveness 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought “We are too much people to be in my car. Who is the extra guy?” and then, follow that thought and activate a whole personality where I judged everything I could see in that ‘extra person’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with rejection towards X because I first judged him as an “extra person” that was ‘limiting us’ to have fun as usual with the other guys I already know, and then, I started reacting to his body language, his clothes, his physical stance, what he was sharing and the way he spoke and pronounced a consonant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that X was judging me because of the way I looked inside my car, without realizing that what was happening there was projection, because there’s no way I can know what others are thinking about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, through backchat, compare myself with X where I saw myself as better than him in terms of skills, kind of convincing myself that I am more than what X might possibly judge in me, without realizing that what I was doing was not self-supportive, but only a bunch of quantum statements that were contributing to the embodiment of a personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I had positively charged myself with an automated expectation in relation to what we usually do with the guys, but when I saw someone unexpected, I was immediately shifted into the other side of the polarity, that’s why I reacted towards X as though he was an obstacle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the gift behind that unexpected situation, because I hadn’t realized that I had an automated pattern where everytime I meet those guys I go positively charged because I think “I am going to have fun”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to understand that if my expression is dependent on who is around me, then it’s not natural or genuine, because it is not unconditionally here as every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become hermetic when I am around ‘new people’ that I haven’t met before, without realizing that in doing so I am not living the principle of do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

I will continue...