sábado, 28 de diciembre de 2013

I Hated Myself Being in a Relationship (Day 6)

I remember dating a girl and everything went really fast. She was the kind of girl that if she wanted to fuck a guy in the street she would do it. 

I liked her a lot but as we came closer I noticed myself becoming a little bit possessive. It's like I wanted her to be like that only with me.

I experienced thoughts like "If she fucked with me during our third date, I bet she has done the same with every single guy she has been with". So I became possessed with comparisons and polarity manifestations of inferiority/superiority.

I ended up hating all guys around her; the way they dressed, their music, their pictures, because I noticed all of them had something in common. Probably because it was this girl's stereotype of boy she liked to hook up.

It's been a year since we are no longer together and today I was watching some pictures and the same thoughts activated "Poor guys, they all look the same. They believe they are special. What do they want to achieve showing themselves like that. Same pictures, same t-shirts, blah blah".

I realized that I had taken all the negative energy that existed within myself due to comparisons and feelings of inferiority towards the people around that girl, because I wanted to feel more special than them. I wanted to make her believe she had a prototype of boy. I wanted her to erase their past as if that would have changed my reactions.

Finally, the last thoughts I experience were: "I shouldn't have dated that girl if I knew she was a slut, because that was never going to change".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to compare myself with other beings.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define other beings as prototypes.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge other beings according to the music they listen to.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge other beings according to the clothes they wear.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to direct my feelings of inferiority and comparison towards something separate from me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react with hate.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to change the past in order to feel as someone special.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to involve myself in a relationship in which I allowed lots of judgments and hate.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to try to be someone different from the ones I defined as "poor guys".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself the thought "Poor guys, they all look the same. They believe they are special. What do they want to achieve showing themselves like that?. Same pictures, same t-shirts, blah blah" to exist within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the rest is responsible for how I feel and blame them instead of analyzing myself in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to try to change other people's mind so as to make them avoid doing the things I don't like because if they do, I would go directly into comparisons/jealousy.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define a girl as "slut" based on their behavior/past.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define as a "slut" a girl that has sex with someone during the third date. 

When and as I see myself directing my negatively charged thoughts/emotions towards something separate from me, I stop and breathe. I realize that my participation in that comparative/angry character inhibits me from really understand why I am experiencing those thoughts/emotions because I tend to blame the rest, but I am the one responsible for the things I experience because I allow and accept them within myself.

I commit myself to stop my thoughts/comments/reactions/emotions when I am angry, especially when comparing myself with other beings, because I first have to self-honestly see/understand within myself why I am accepting myself to exist in those thoughts and definitions. Thus, I commit myself to deconstruct through self-writing every thought/emotion/memory emerging from that past experience.

martes, 24 de diciembre de 2013

Knowledge = Pendrives (Day 5)

In my country if you want to go to university students must take a test. That test is going to measure your knowledge based on your last 4 years of high school education.

You have to get certain scores in order to be able to start a career. If you don't get that specific score, you will have to wait one more year in order to take the test again. And also consider that the test is not for free.

There's also a huge market behind all of this, wherein specific places/institutions prepare students so as to increase their scores and be prepared for next year in case you fail. (not for free)

So, everything is based on achieving the score you want and then you can go study, pay out, be "happy",etc.

The point is that that test does not measure skills. It only measures "knowledge" and/or "information".

There are many traits that human beings have that a test is never going to measure. That's why there are many "smart" people full of knowledge but they do not have the so called emotional intelligence and all that knowledge is not worth because they are not capable of managing themselves within hard situations.

In the educational field, you can have teachers full of knowledge blabbering and blabbering information, but they do not necessarily have communicative or social skills developed to deliver that "knowledge" and this might inhibit them to foster an effective learning process. And the worst; they are not even aware of these situations within themselves, because they tell their students to study and learn all the information in order to be the "best" students to achieve their dreams and then go to university and be happy.

The educational system wants to expand students' capacity of storage in order to become more desirable pendrives to get and use as they wish. The system uses your preprogrammed capacity. The more Gyga bytes you can store, the best candidate you are for the system.

Students that go to private schools get better scores at that test. Therefore, the more money you have, the "better" education you get, and most importantly you become a better pendrive full of information for the system. And the system chooses the best pen drives to give them the opportunity to be "happy" within this world.

You have felt really happy for all the information you've gotten, because the system has made you fall in love with it in order to fuck your USB later and fulfill your "necessity" of getting more knowledge because you feel you have been noticed among many other pen drives that do not have the same capacity to storage that you have acquired, giving you a sense of "superiority".

If you have become a pendrive, don't worry. We all have a "reset" button. Find out more at: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

sábado, 21 de diciembre de 2013

Ego V/S Manipulation (Day 4)

Last night I was hanging out with some colleagues in an apartment. Suddenly more people came. One of them was a kind of drunk girl.

The point is that I noticed she wanted everything to go according to her desires. For example, she asked a guy to give her a cigarette. Then she gave him a look because she wanted the guy to light up the cigarette. Then she asked for a beer and she did not even move a finger.

She insisted that she wanted to listen to a band. And at the beginning it was like a contrast because the apartment was quite silent and then she came screaming and laughing and demanding cigarettes, beer and music. So, she wasn't unnoticed at all.

My first interaction with her happened when she was saying to every single person in the room "hey! hey! my friend…I want to listen to a band!" and then she looked at me and said: hey…my friend…wouldn't it be cool to listen to this band? tell them to play a song by that band", and I felt like she was trying to manipulate everything according to what she wanted, so I told her in a nice manner "come on, you are just trying to manipulate all the people around" and she laughed I think.

Then, she put a cigarette in her mouth and I had just used the lighter, so she asked me for it and she gave me a gesture like saying "come dude, you light it up for me". 

My thoughts suddenly came out of a mixture of the previous behavior I had noticed on her, so I told her (again in nice but face to face manner) "don't you know how to light cigarettes?" and her face got stunned while her mouth remained opened and speechless. She like went into a shock but she said "yes, I of course know how to do it" and I said: "ok, do it on your own, then" (with a smile in my face because I did not mean to be rude. I just wanted to see her reaction and probably make her realize her attitude). And she said "what a rude boy. I don't like people like that".

2 minutes later she said "I want a beer and they are on the table. Can you go grab one and bring it for me? And I did it, but as did not want to do what she wanted or feel manipulated, I opened the beer and drank a little bit as a kind of revenge. Like "I'll do it but not 100% they way you want". Then I gave it to her and said "I stole a little". And she said "it's okay".

I realized that what bothered me was her attitude, because she did not want to move a finger. She just gave orders in order to make the others do what she wanted. And when I noticed she wanted to do the same with me, I just wanted to make her realize that she is not always going to get the things she wants as favors depending on others.

I thought after that "if you want something, stand up and go for it, because she was not in a bar and I was not the waiter". I didn't want to be manipulated. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself the thought "I do not want to be manipulated (inferiority) as the way she is doing it with the rest" to exist within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to compare myself with others when noticing this girl acted the same with everyone in the room.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to avoid doing what this girl wanted based on a feeling of specialness, because I did not want to be like the rest.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate with a reaction of "I'll do it, but not 100% the way she wants".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire to make another person realize that I am not doing what they want 100% the way they want in order to cause friction and/or displeasure.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define a manipulative person according to what I observed in that moment without considering that the girl was drunk.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define/judge a person and then base all my actions on those judgements/definitions, being myself responsible for being possessed and react according to my first thoughts/definitions coming from the first interaction.

When and as I see myself doing something I did not want to and I make an effort with the purpose of creating a feeling of unpleasure (revenge) on others in order to make them realize I am not doing the favor happily, that it's just that I did not want them to think I'm rude, I stop and I breath. I realize that my participation in that nice-rude character inhibits me from supporting myself within this process, because I am establishing starting points based on my reactions and thoughts instead of really seeing what is best for all now and here.

I commit myself to stop the desire of revenge when doing something I was asked and trying to do it wrong on purpose so as to make people realize that I am not doing what I was asked happily instead of just directly say "Yes I'll do it" or simply "I don't want to". Thus, I also commit myself to investigate through self-writing and self-honesty the reasons why I do not want to do a favor.



jueves, 19 de diciembre de 2013

Thoughts as Starting Point (Day 3)

I have realized that when I establish some starting points towards my interaction with this reality, they come from thoughts. 

I noticed that some of my starting points were a result of my thoughts and as they were different from my previous constructs/beliefs/perceptions/definitions I felt I was acting in self-honesty. 

Everything started last night when I wanted to go out and my friends were busy and I did not want to depend on them. So I decided to go out on my own. 

My starting point was "I want to go out and if I don't do it because my friends are not around I am going to create/support the necessity of being with others to do what I want". 

So, I went out being very sure about this point and I thought "Ok, it does not matter if I am alone or not, because what I want is to enjoy myself being out for a while before going to sleep". (Fascinating so far)

But then I realized that it was not only the desire of being out, because I also wanted to smoke some weed actually, and that was the main reason of myself going out.

While I was smoking I started thinking and thinking and thinking. Thoughts wouldn't stop coming and I saw everything from a different perspective. 

First, I wanted to go out to get high and as I realized I was alone, I had to do it on my own. So I took what was causing me "frustration" and tried to fix it standing up on my own instead of really seeing what was the main reason why I wanted to go out.

I am not saying that smoking weed is something good or bad. I am referring to how I allowed and accepted my thoughts/reactions to become a starting point.

I realized that the same attitude towards getting high should  be applied in every field in which I express myself, but I do not always do it.

I realized that I stood up and took a decision of not being dependent, but what then? Where was I directing this attitude of standing up within myself towards regarding the decision of going out alone? 

I had allowed and accepted my "different" thought to become my starting point. It was a tricky thing, because from thoughts I had made my starting point, which means that when I established my starting point I was still existing within polarity.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create a starting point from my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to pick a thought and define it as the "deprogrammed" one in which I have to base my starting point on.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to get obsessed with the idea of  not being a dependent being.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to try to prove myself that I am not dependent using a starting point that existed in polarity.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed and accepted myself to stop my thoughts while establishing a starting point.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to immediately believe that my first deconstructed interactions are the more honest ones and from that I establish starting points. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to trust my thoughts as starting points.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define/experience/perceive thoughts as starting points.

When and as I see myself establishing a starting point within myself that came from a thought, I stop and breathe. I realize that while allowing and accepting myself to interact with thoughts in the moment of establishing a starting point inhibits me from really seeing/establishing a starting point that is self-honest and free from thoughts.

I commit myself to every time I am establishing a starting point to stop and breathe and make sure that my starting points are not coming from my thoughts, in order to really stand up with a self-honest purpose and not to remain within and as my mind system.

lunes, 16 de diciembre de 2013

I "WANT" food, but I "NEED" money (Day 2)

Nowadays the action of eating has not only the purpose of fulfilling a biological necessity to be able to exist in this world. There's also the "I want" manifestation towards food wherein human beings have to make a choice and when one has a choice or a decision to make it's where the real representation of the necessity of eating goes directly into an inner conflict of "today I WANT pizza", "hum…well, tomorrow I WANT burgers", etc. misunderstanding or probably unaware that they have turned the "I NEED" into an "I WANT".

When one has realized that we are within a system where the only vehicle towards getting the things I WANT is making money, money becomes and has become an "I NEED".

Therefore:

People NEED money in order to manipulate their "I WANT" (and make/believe/perceive it as a real "necessity").

And vice versa:

People WANT money in order to manipulate their "I NEED". (and make/believe/perceive it as a real "necessity").

Now, both concepts "I WANT" and "I NEED" are polarized. Why? Because both of them are linked with free choice and self- interest, being manipulated towards supporting self-dishonesty with the abuse of a couple of words. 

The question would be: What happens if I NEED to eat and I NEED money? 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to utter the words I NEED when I am actually expressing an I WANT.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to manipulate my expressions in a self-interested manner.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use the words I NEED when I really WANTED something.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create the necessity of something I have defined as such to exist within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to support the Mind Consciousness Field when expressing myself as a "victim" that needs what I WANT.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to really experience frustration when I haven't gotten access to the things that I WANTED.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself as a person that needs what I WANT.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become blind when I am not getting the things I WANT until I get them in order to feel "happy".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define happiness as achieving the things I WANT that I have turned into a necessity.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to abuse of free choice when I have to choose among many things I WANT that I consider as a necessity.

When and as I see myself uttering the words "I NEED", I stop and breathe. I realize that my participation in the manipulative/self-abusive/self-dishonest character inhibits me from seeing the actual existence we, human beings have created/supported.

I commit myself to every time I catch myself expressing my "I WANT" as "I NEED" to stop and breathe and analyze in self-honesty if they are a real necessity or is it just that I am manipulating my programming as an organic robot, in order to deprogram and direct myself towards what is best for all, as all, as one, as equal.

domingo, 15 de diciembre de 2013

From the "I need" to the "I want" (Day 1)

Human beings have defined themselves with the following expressions "I need a relationship", "I need to go out with my friends","I needed to get drunk", "I needed to forget my problems", etc. The point is that human beings need basic resources to be able to exist within this world, such as food, shelter, water, and many others, because if you don't have access to them one will exist in poverty; not in an equal life condition.

When beings express themselves with the words "I need" they are manifesting that "they cannot live without it". Therefore, "I need" = "I can't live without it". 

So the question is, how is it possible to say "I can't live without a relationship", "I can't live without getting drunk every weekend", "I can't live without having a car", etc. ?

People have turned the "I want" into the "I need" and this has created a separation within beings, because when someone "needs" something it's like a natural condition of the necessity of the human being to exist within this world, therefore I do not take responsibility of what I should deserve and when you take a decision towards an action and you express yourself with the words "I need" you are avoiding being self-responsible. 

The suggestion would be to replace all the "I need" into "I want" and you will notice how often you express yourself as a being that is always with the necessity of something else that is separated from self and that has nothing to do with an actual necessity. Of course this is not going to make a change in our current existence, but at least you will be aware. So, make sure every time you catch yourself using the words "I need" stop in that moment, breathe, realize and make sure if it's a real necessity to exist or is it just that you got used to the expression as a pre-programmed being, in order to avoid the consequences later and jump with excuses like "It's just that I needed it" immediately running into the "victim" role. 

It's like when you say "the window was broken", ok but who did it? 
It's different from "I broke the window". 

It's fascinating to realize how human beings are used to avoiding taking self-responsibility even in their personal decisions with only a couple of words.


I will continue in part 2 with "I WANT food, but I NEED money".