sábado, 21 de diciembre de 2013

Ego V/S Manipulation (Day 4)

Last night I was hanging out with some colleagues in an apartment. Suddenly more people came. One of them was a kind of drunk girl.

The point is that I noticed she wanted everything to go according to her desires. For example, she asked a guy to give her a cigarette. Then she gave him a look because she wanted the guy to light up the cigarette. Then she asked for a beer and she did not even move a finger.

She insisted that she wanted to listen to a band. And at the beginning it was like a contrast because the apartment was quite silent and then she came screaming and laughing and demanding cigarettes, beer and music. So, she wasn't unnoticed at all.

My first interaction with her happened when she was saying to every single person in the room "hey! hey! my friend…I want to listen to a band!" and then she looked at me and said: hey…my friend…wouldn't it be cool to listen to this band? tell them to play a song by that band", and I felt like she was trying to manipulate everything according to what she wanted, so I told her in a nice manner "come on, you are just trying to manipulate all the people around" and she laughed I think.

Then, she put a cigarette in her mouth and I had just used the lighter, so she asked me for it and she gave me a gesture like saying "come dude, you light it up for me". 

My thoughts suddenly came out of a mixture of the previous behavior I had noticed on her, so I told her (again in nice but face to face manner) "don't you know how to light cigarettes?" and her face got stunned while her mouth remained opened and speechless. She like went into a shock but she said "yes, I of course know how to do it" and I said: "ok, do it on your own, then" (with a smile in my face because I did not mean to be rude. I just wanted to see her reaction and probably make her realize her attitude). And she said "what a rude boy. I don't like people like that".

2 minutes later she said "I want a beer and they are on the table. Can you go grab one and bring it for me? And I did it, but as did not want to do what she wanted or feel manipulated, I opened the beer and drank a little bit as a kind of revenge. Like "I'll do it but not 100% they way you want". Then I gave it to her and said "I stole a little". And she said "it's okay".

I realized that what bothered me was her attitude, because she did not want to move a finger. She just gave orders in order to make the others do what she wanted. And when I noticed she wanted to do the same with me, I just wanted to make her realize that she is not always going to get the things she wants as favors depending on others.

I thought after that "if you want something, stand up and go for it, because she was not in a bar and I was not the waiter". I didn't want to be manipulated. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself the thought "I do not want to be manipulated (inferiority) as the way she is doing it with the rest" to exist within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to compare myself with others when noticing this girl acted the same with everyone in the room.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to avoid doing what this girl wanted based on a feeling of specialness, because I did not want to be like the rest.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate with a reaction of "I'll do it, but not 100% the way she wants".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire to make another person realize that I am not doing what they want 100% the way they want in order to cause friction and/or displeasure.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define a manipulative person according to what I observed in that moment without considering that the girl was drunk.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define/judge a person and then base all my actions on those judgements/definitions, being myself responsible for being possessed and react according to my first thoughts/definitions coming from the first interaction.

When and as I see myself doing something I did not want to and I make an effort with the purpose of creating a feeling of unpleasure (revenge) on others in order to make them realize I am not doing the favor happily, that it's just that I did not want them to think I'm rude, I stop and I breath. I realize that my participation in that nice-rude character inhibits me from supporting myself within this process, because I am establishing starting points based on my reactions and thoughts instead of really seeing what is best for all now and here.

I commit myself to stop the desire of revenge when doing something I was asked and trying to do it wrong on purpose so as to make people realize that I am not doing what I was asked happily instead of just directly say "Yes I'll do it" or simply "I don't want to". Thus, I also commit myself to investigate through self-writing and self-honesty the reasons why I do not want to do a favor.



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