sábado, 28 de diciembre de 2013

I Hated Myself Being in a Relationship (Day 6)

I remember dating a girl and everything went really fast. She was the kind of girl that if she wanted to fuck a guy in the street she would do it. 

I liked her a lot but as we came closer I noticed myself becoming a little bit possessive. It's like I wanted her to be like that only with me.

I experienced thoughts like "If she fucked with me during our third date, I bet she has done the same with every single guy she has been with". So I became possessed with comparisons and polarity manifestations of inferiority/superiority.

I ended up hating all guys around her; the way they dressed, their music, their pictures, because I noticed all of them had something in common. Probably because it was this girl's stereotype of boy she liked to hook up.

It's been a year since we are no longer together and today I was watching some pictures and the same thoughts activated "Poor guys, they all look the same. They believe they are special. What do they want to achieve showing themselves like that. Same pictures, same t-shirts, blah blah".

I realized that I had taken all the negative energy that existed within myself due to comparisons and feelings of inferiority towards the people around that girl, because I wanted to feel more special than them. I wanted to make her believe she had a prototype of boy. I wanted her to erase their past as if that would have changed my reactions.

Finally, the last thoughts I experience were: "I shouldn't have dated that girl if I knew she was a slut, because that was never going to change".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to compare myself with other beings.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define other beings as prototypes.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge other beings according to the music they listen to.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge other beings according to the clothes they wear.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to direct my feelings of inferiority and comparison towards something separate from me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react with hate.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to change the past in order to feel as someone special.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to involve myself in a relationship in which I allowed lots of judgments and hate.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to try to be someone different from the ones I defined as "poor guys".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself the thought "Poor guys, they all look the same. They believe they are special. What do they want to achieve showing themselves like that?. Same pictures, same t-shirts, blah blah" to exist within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the rest is responsible for how I feel and blame them instead of analyzing myself in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to try to change other people's mind so as to make them avoid doing the things I don't like because if they do, I would go directly into comparisons/jealousy.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define a girl as "slut" based on their behavior/past.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define as a "slut" a girl that has sex with someone during the third date. 

When and as I see myself directing my negatively charged thoughts/emotions towards something separate from me, I stop and breathe. I realize that my participation in that comparative/angry character inhibits me from really understand why I am experiencing those thoughts/emotions because I tend to blame the rest, but I am the one responsible for the things I experience because I allow and accept them within myself.

I commit myself to stop my thoughts/comments/reactions/emotions when I am angry, especially when comparing myself with other beings, because I first have to self-honestly see/understand within myself why I am accepting myself to exist in those thoughts and definitions. Thus, I commit myself to deconstruct through self-writing every thought/emotion/memory emerging from that past experience.

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