jueves, 19 de diciembre de 2013

Thoughts as Starting Point (Day 3)

I have realized that when I establish some starting points towards my interaction with this reality, they come from thoughts. 

I noticed that some of my starting points were a result of my thoughts and as they were different from my previous constructs/beliefs/perceptions/definitions I felt I was acting in self-honesty. 

Everything started last night when I wanted to go out and my friends were busy and I did not want to depend on them. So I decided to go out on my own. 

My starting point was "I want to go out and if I don't do it because my friends are not around I am going to create/support the necessity of being with others to do what I want". 

So, I went out being very sure about this point and I thought "Ok, it does not matter if I am alone or not, because what I want is to enjoy myself being out for a while before going to sleep". (Fascinating so far)

But then I realized that it was not only the desire of being out, because I also wanted to smoke some weed actually, and that was the main reason of myself going out.

While I was smoking I started thinking and thinking and thinking. Thoughts wouldn't stop coming and I saw everything from a different perspective. 

First, I wanted to go out to get high and as I realized I was alone, I had to do it on my own. So I took what was causing me "frustration" and tried to fix it standing up on my own instead of really seeing what was the main reason why I wanted to go out.

I am not saying that smoking weed is something good or bad. I am referring to how I allowed and accepted my thoughts/reactions to become a starting point.

I realized that the same attitude towards getting high should  be applied in every field in which I express myself, but I do not always do it.

I realized that I stood up and took a decision of not being dependent, but what then? Where was I directing this attitude of standing up within myself towards regarding the decision of going out alone? 

I had allowed and accepted my "different" thought to become my starting point. It was a tricky thing, because from thoughts I had made my starting point, which means that when I established my starting point I was still existing within polarity.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create a starting point from my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to pick a thought and define it as the "deprogrammed" one in which I have to base my starting point on.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to get obsessed with the idea of  not being a dependent being.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to try to prove myself that I am not dependent using a starting point that existed in polarity.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed and accepted myself to stop my thoughts while establishing a starting point.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to immediately believe that my first deconstructed interactions are the more honest ones and from that I establish starting points. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to trust my thoughts as starting points.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define/experience/perceive thoughts as starting points.

When and as I see myself establishing a starting point within myself that came from a thought, I stop and breathe. I realize that while allowing and accepting myself to interact with thoughts in the moment of establishing a starting point inhibits me from really seeing/establishing a starting point that is self-honest and free from thoughts.

I commit myself to every time I am establishing a starting point to stop and breathe and make sure that my starting points are not coming from my thoughts, in order to really stand up with a self-honest purpose and not to remain within and as my mind system.

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