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The Girl of my Dreams (Day 58)

This is a continuation of a post I wrote some months ago called “The Falling in Love Feeling” where I basically mentioned how my mind and physical expression behaved/changed when meeting a new girl and knowing that I had a very short time to “do something” with her. 
Well, that happened last March and after we met for the first time I never saw her again and that experience led me into thoughts and regret, especially when I remembered that she said “I wish you could stay longer”, perceiving that I should have said “ok, even though I have to go back to my city in 30 more minutes, I will stay here to spend the night with you”. 
I have pictured in my mind how that could have been and then I tell myself “fucking idiot, why didn’t you do that!” lol.
Well, this girl mentioned that she didn’t have Facebook and as I didn’t want to look desperate, I didn’t ask her telephone number.
Some other months passed and I contacted a friend of hers. That friend replied like 5 months later and the point here…

Part III - The Panopticism: Enslavement and Fear (Day 57)

What I can identify from my previous posts are the following points: 
1) The constant thoughts/backchats when waking up that lead me to desire not to go to work, BUT it’s not about work in itself, it’s about me wanting to sleep more, because I like my job.
2) When being late I keep thinking and picturing different mind scenarios in which I see myself giving explanations/excuses and before that happens I react with anger towards the authority, because I don’t like giving explanations, because I perceive that as a submissive act that makes me feel in-FEAR-ior.
3) The constant accumulation of information that makes me think that the authority has no idea about self-commitment and that they speak about commitment and judge other people for not being committed enough but they are not committed with themselves, which activates this Fearful Rebel Character within myself. Rebel, because I know when/how to go out of the norm, but at the same time I am not self-responsible enough, because I haven’…

Part II - The Panopticism: Enslavement and Fear (Day 56)

From my previous post: First, I have my energetic movements within and as myself and then the fear for being out of the norm; for not being a “responsible slave”.
So, the energetic movements manifest as thoughts like “I don’t want to go to work, it’s almost the end of the year and I am tired. This is enough”. It’s like me making the decision as an individual that it’s not necessary to continue going to work because I’m kind of done. But there are my bosses or the “authority” towards which I have developed this resistance when analyzing the “power” relationship between the Employee and the Boss.
I am going to mention an anecdote that happened to me during this year:
On Thursdays I work from 8 am to 4 pm, but from 8 to 9:30 I don’t have to teach. That space within my schedule is called dwell time and it’s basically used for planning the lessons, checking tests, preparing some material, etc. or if there’s any teacher that couldn’t go to work, I have to cover him/her. So, when it was Thursda…

The Panopticism: Enslavement and Fear (Day 55)

Here I will walk through self-forgiveness some thoughts/backchats that activate everytime I have to wake up, get up and go to work.
The thoughts/backchats I experience are “I wanna sleep more, I don’t wanna go, I won’t be able to do my job appropriately because I feel it’s Sunday and not Monday, I would rather be enjoying the weekend again. I can’t believe I will be teaching in one more hour”
The point is that I have missed some days and I have resorted to excuses like “I’m sick. I’m afraid I can’t go today”. I don’t like “lying”, but I don’t think bosses would like to hear “Hi, I’m not in the mood to go to work, so I am not going today, bye”.
I am not writing this from the perspective that I have to be a good citizen that goes to work and accomplish all his responsibilities, because I understand that the educational system and its whole structure is the depiction of a prison, where the institution owns your body; they tell you how much time you will be there, when to have lunch, when to…

Don't Cry (Day 54)

Within one of my previous posts I mentioned how I have been developing a different kind of communication with the people in my environment in order to construct common sense understanding and be able to support others through supporting myself.
Today I was having lunch and as I was saying something about the family context "M" started crying. She said that I had mentioned a point that she has been dealing with.
As I am involved within this point, this mean I am responsible as self, as one that constitutes to the construction and the denouement through my daily participation.
"M" feels that what she does is not valued/appreciated because of the way I/we behave. 
She mentioned some actions that could make this situation different if often done, for instance sharing more time together, giving a call if I'm not coming home, buy some stuff when necessary, etc.
What "M" mentioned was kind of the conclusion she has after thinking and thinking about it.
The point h…

Ugly & Boring (Day 53)

I was on Facebook and I saw a picture of a girl I knew with her kind of new bf.
My backchat was "That guy's ugly, she is kind of hot. Why does she like him? Probably she gets what she wants with that guy. She must have been desperate for not being taken in consideration and that's the only guy who paid attention to her in the way she expected guys should be".
I remember that I went out with that girl twice. The first time was boring. It was like we were too different and the aspects I mentioned about my life had nothing to do with hers, so I defined her as Boring and Superficial.
The second time we met, I arrived like 3 hours late to our "date" and she had a long face and I ended up talking to one of her friends and I didn't even care about her because I had already defined her as a "boring girl".
So, now as I saw the picture of her and her new bf, I reacted with the back chats I already mentioned and also this belief that "I am way better th…