sábado, 11 de enero de 2014

Agreements with friends (Day 7)

I was hanging out in a friend's house. There were beers, weed and stuff and I heard a friend saying "you know guys, I'm trying to stop drinking beers".

I replied "haha yeah, I can tell that (ironically)". Then I said: you are just "thinking" about the desire to quit, but you are not doing anything.

After a while he asked me a cigarette and I said "I'll give you one if you stop drinking beers for today" and he agreed. He did not drink more beers.

I thought whether I did was a real support or not, because me as someone separate from him, created the agreement, it was not his decision. 

I also thought "It's okay, I am supporting a point he realized and he has not started yet, so, I am gonna give him the chance to see how it feels to avoid drinking and then he can decide".

I quit one cigarette and he quit drinking beers during that night. But later we went out and we bought a bottle of a another type of alcohol and my friend drank. I thought that I probably had to make the agreement not only based on beers, but alcohol in general, because my friend stopped drinking beer and that was the deal, but it was alcohol anyways, therefore I noticed that my agreement could have been more general, but I also thought "It's up to him, I can not be a constant reminder of the things he has to do".

According to him, probably he accomplished the agreement. He did not drink more. But I thought it could have been different if I would have mentioned "alcohol" instead of beers in order to push him to face the desire of drinking during the whole night, but the events changed, because we went out later and the agreement ended there.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience frustration when I noticed my agreement failed according to what I expected.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create the expectation that my friend would not drink any drop of alcohol.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed and accepted myself to be more specific/efficient when making agreements, thinking that what I understood was the same that my friend understood within the agreement.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to backchat with judgements when I observed my friend drinking and drinking, because I felt frustrated.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge other beings while I'm within specific energetic characters.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to look for justifications while noticing the plan did not go according to what I expected, thinking "never mind, it's up to him, it's not my responsibility".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define a failed agreement as something that it is not my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define the end of an agreement when it goes out of the framework I established as the main aim of the agreement, which means that it does not fit the design I created within my mind, therefore I experience frustration and backchats, but, beyond that, there is the chance to re-check what I did in order to be more specific and not to run into expectations while being in an agreement.

When and as I see myself reacting with frustration while the agreement does not go according to what I have established as the main aim of the agreement, which means that it does not fit the design I created within my mind, I stop and breathe. I realize that my participation in those backchats and negatively charged emotions inhibits me from being HERE in every moment of the agreement, allowing  and accepting myself to direct myself towards participating in my thoughts and judgements.

I commit myself to avoid expectations while I am in an agreement, otherwise, ambition would be over the agreement and I am going to be the responsible one for: creating the expectation and experiencing frustration once it failed. Instead of that, I commit myself to be HERE, because the agreement involved something in the physical, not in the mind. It's the action towards something instead of thoughts.

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