I am continuing with the topic I started yesterday with regards to experiences that I have defined as "paranormal".
After writing my self-forgiveness I remembered another experience that I had that I would like to analyze, because it is also related to the value I have given to some thoughts within my mind system.
This one is also related to a dream I had when I was about 3 or 4 years old. This is the dream:
I (really) lived in an apartment. Third floor. One day, someone knocked at the door and when I opened it, I saw a little girl next to her father. I remember I really liked this girl.
The next day - back to reality - someone knocked at the door and guess what. Same scene; the girl and her dad looking for my mom as in my dream. They were new at the building.
I had no relationship with this girl. I knew she lived in the fourth floor and that she had an older brother that I met a few times. But I never saw her again or probably I can't remember.
I have realized that this episode within my life has made me relate/associate new experiences with that "strange" or "paranormal" event. For instance, giving value to thoughts when I think they can become real.
I have also allowed myself to experience fear, because I sometimes think that something bad might happen to the people close to me. It's like I am in a state of preparing myself for something that is going to happen, which is death.
I wonder if I have done the "right" things so as to avoid feeling regret if a family member suddenly dies, living in a constant loop of worries.
For instance, last night mom and my sister travelled by bus to another city for vacation (They are on their way now, actually), and when I thought of them, a thought came with a negatively charged emotion of worry. I immediately called my mom and asked her if everything was okay and I said, "Don't forget to wear your seat belts!”
The same happens with my dad. I have noticed that I am worried, because he works in a different city and he comes home only some weekends, BUT, when he is here at home, I do not do anything like sharing time with him, even though I try, but that fear existing within myself makes me doubt my actions whether they are "right" or not, based on what people expect from a son towards their parents/family.
It also happens towards my dog. He is very old and blind and every time I get home I play with him, but I cannot take those thoughts out of my mind; fear of death that makes me doubt my current existence.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to give value to my thoughts based on a past experience that happened in a dream that later became real.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let my past memories/experiences affect/direct my current existence.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience fear once I had thoughts based on worries regarding my family.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react with fear towards my thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to doubt my current existence based on the energy those thoughts bring.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge myself when I wonder if what I do is "right" based on what most people may expect from a son.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself according to what others believe it is "right" within the role of a son towards his family.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let those separate concepts/beliefs/thoughts direct my current existence.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed and accepted myself to really act in the moments/opportunities I have with my family. Instead of that, I always come to my room and do not really share with them.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to give priority to thoughts instead of actions, because thinking and thinking is not going to change anything.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to go into a state of "preparing myself for the worst (death)" when allowing myself to react to those thoughts based on fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define the "worst" as death, when it is actually a fact that all human beings will face someday.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed and accepted myself to see/understand/realize that the "worst" is here and now within planet earth.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed and accepted myself to see/understand/realize that if I want to change something, the first that must change is I; from the inside to the outside.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed and accepted myself to see/understand/realize that remaining within this thoughts of fear I am only playing a game that I know how it will end, because death is death and that's it.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed and accepted myself to see/understand/realize that within those thoughts of fear I am only focused on me, which is equal to self-interest, because I am defining death as the worst possible thing on earth without physically seeing what happens around me and how I can be the change.
When and as I see myself reacting with fear of death towards my thoughts, I stop and breathe. I realize that if all my actions are based on fear, everything I do will be based on polarity. Therefore I will be moving like a pendulum into emotions and feelings, re-acting in order to compensate the fear instead of standing up and stop my mind and allowing myself to be here in every moment and every breath.
I commit myself to stop and breathe every time I catch myself reacting to those thoughts of fear, so as to bring me back to my physical and stand up to see through my physical eyes leaving apart all the beliefs that may be around the concept of a "good son". Thus, I will be able to take responsibility of my present participation within this reality when I am spending some time with my beings, instead of being someone that acts and expresses himself based on fear, compensating energy instead of acting in common sense now and here.