miércoles, 26 de febrero de 2014

Part Two: Fear and Anxiety Before Playing Live (Day 17)

Here I am continuing with my previous blog with regards to how I experienced that "weird" emotion in my stomach/chest as fear and anxiety before playing live with my band. 

Now, I can relate those emotions of fear and anxiety to the self-manipulative character that thinks negatively based on a previous experience after the activation of memories that led me into back chatting within my physical existence HERE.

Within the process of feeding the fear and anxiety I understand the reason why I have heard some artists saying that the "weird" feeling before performing is part of the whole package and if you don't feel it, anything would be the same and it wouldn't make sense.

If one introjects that system of "negative thinking" in order to get a "positive" outcome, I can say - due to my experiences within those systems - artists consider/define that feeling as "positive" in order to remain negatively with low expectations - but expectations anyways - and then, when everything went "better" than one thought it's where one experiences the positive feeling of relief and/or satisfaction.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to activate my manipulative character when controlling my experience based on polarity friction.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create/feed the friction within my thoughts v/s the real experience I have/had before and after playing.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to remain within those negatively charged emotions until I perform, only allowing myself to experience self-distrust/insecurity even during the previous seconds before playing and sometimes during the first song.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to move from self-distrust/insecurity to a positively charged feeling of accomplishment/relief/satisfaction and being content thinking "wow, it wasn't as hard as I thought" - after performing.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself the thought "wow, it wasn't as hard as I thought" - after performing - to exist within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to stop the friction and then only remaining positive within a feeling of "stability".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe that a positive feeling of stability will always make everything better, because "I saved my ass" after going through a whole manipulated process of emotions, thoughts and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe that without that feeling in my chest/stomach before performing I am not going to enjoy and/or it's not going to be the same, because the experience will not include adrenaline.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to mind fuck myself through the manipulative character that dictates how to experience and move myself - under my allowance - through mind/mental scenarios in which I imagine an alternative reality that does not exist here, in time and space as who I am as life in the physical, in every moment and every breath.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed and accepted myself to be the physical expression of me and instead of that I was experiencing myself only in quantum time, getting completely distracted from what was going on here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to get distracted by thoughts through a process of self-creating and manipulating my experience so as to achieve the expected outcome.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe that as I used to have positive expectations before, now I have to move towards the opposite = thinking negative and expecting the positive, without realizing that I am just moving along polarity and holding on to justifications through self-dishonesty so as to keep all the positive under a feeling of accomplishment/relief, remaining there and feeding the mind system to exist.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define performing as fear and anxiety; otherwise, the performance loses its purpose.

When and as I see myself manipulating my physical experiences through controlling how and where I move within my mind as energy friction by means of comparing thoughts and emotions v/s reality under polarity basis, I stop and breathe. I realize that controlling my experiences through my mind system I am not being the expression of self in self-honesty as breath, as life, and that I am only focused on "feeling" instead of "living" as the physical.

I commit myself to investigate through self-writing and self-honesty all the characters that I am able to identify that inhibit me from being self-honest and only abusing of polarity and free choice within feelings and emotions according to how I want to feel and how I want to experience myself through energy instead of breath as life, as my physical expression here.


martes, 25 de febrero de 2014

Fear and Anxiety Before Playing Live (Day 16)

It is very common to hear that artists experience something in their chests/stomachs before acting/playing/performing. Once I heard that a singer quit his band because he stopped feeling that weird and inexplicable feeling before playing.

Some others say that feeling is part of the performance and if you don't feel that before playing, it wouldn't be the same (giving it a positive meaning).

The other day I had to perform live with my band and I talked to a band mate and we shared how we felt in that moment. I said, "I feel worried, because we brought all our gear and as this show is happening outside in a skate park, I'm afraid something bad happens to our equipment".

Then, as I saw people coming and coming to see the show and they brought alcohol, I thought "I hope these people behave when we play, I don't want them to throw us stuff over our heads because they don't like our music".

I also noticed I was worried because I had my car parked on a hill near the skate park and as some years ago our instruments were stolen from our car, now I don't want that to happen again.

My friend was worried about how to hit the drums, because he is learning new techniques and we hadn't practiced for a while.

It was weird because instead of being worried about what I was going to do, I was worried because of the environment and hoping nothing bad to happen.

I remember that 11 years ago - when I had my first band - a guy approached me in a gig and he wanted to steal my guitar before playing. He wouldn't stop saying he had a gun and if I didn't give him some money he would kill me and take my guitar.

Therefore, now I see that this fear and anxiety before playing could be extrapolated to fear of being robbed and anxiety of hoping nothing bad to happen during the show.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear being robbed while expecting my turn to play with my band in a place wherein there is no backstage.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe that people are going to be the same when I played 11 years ago with my first band in a similar context wherein people brought alcohol and they got drunk.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire and become obsessed with the idea of being safe.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feed the negatively charged emotions of fear and anxiety with memories from the past wherein I got robbed.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to activate memories from past similar events within my current existence.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself the thought "I hope these people behave when we play, I don't want them to throw us stuff over our heads because they don't like our music" to exist within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to direct all my fear and anxiety towards the people there, as if they wanted to do the same that happened to me 11 years ago in a gig.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to compare a past event with my current situation and thus, feeding my own creations and remaining there under my own allowance.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to wish not to play because I wanted to avoid "danger".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe/think/perceive danger due to the thoughts I, myself fed.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire to be "positive" due to the entire "negative" my mind system saw.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to give power to my mind when only seeing through the system instead of using my physical eyes.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to compare people according to the way they dressed because they looked like punks. Similar clothing the ones that wanted to steal my guitar 11 years ago wore.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe I was able to know the attitude of all the people there, because if they were punks and drunk, to me it was obvious they would hate everything, they were going to yell at us, and they were going to say our band sucked because it does not sound as punk as they are, defining us as the boy band of the show.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge myself through the belief that I knew what people could be possibly thinking about us. It's like "I don't care about those people, I know all the stuff they can judge from us. So, what's new? Give me something more original".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fight with those people inside my mind, giving them different personalities when interacting in a mental scenario.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to place myself in a mental scenario in which I had the chance to create the battle of our minds, but instead of doing that in reality, I was imagining that within my mind on my own.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create a whole different "reality" within my mind when experiencing fear and anxiety.

When and as I see myself reacting with fear and anxiety, believing/thinking/perceiving that something "bad" or "dangerous" might happen, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am only creating mental scenarios which are not real here in my present and that I am the responsible for not stopping.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I start experiencing fear and anxiety that come through a comparison based on the context and the people.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I catch myself living in mental scenarios instead of being here and seeing through my physical eyes.

When and as I see myself participating in mental scenarios, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am giving value to my thoughts, considering all the possibilities and probabilities related to how other people could judge me/my band, going into the ego character that considers all people the same and that they have nothing new/original to say.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe/think that to be an acceptable/different person you have to be original and not act like the masses.

I commit myself to stop judging myself through thinking how people could judge me, because I am only going into a defense mode, like anticipating chess movements, therefore, I am competing with people within my mind, creating alternative realities that do not exist here in the physical, but I end up experiencing the outcomes in reality anyways.

I commit myself to deconstruct through self-writing and self-honesty all the patterns that activated in the past that now manifest within my current existence, because I haven't walked them within this process yet.


lunes, 24 de febrero de 2014

Facing Accidents (Day 15)

The other day I was going out and realized that there was one of my mom’s plants lying on the floor of the front yard due to the strong winds. I decided to move it and place it straight as how it is supposed be. Suddenly one of its branches went directly into my ear after moving it. I felt a very sharp pain inside and heard the noise of something slitting. I had pierced my left eardrum. 
I went back to my house and I remembered that some days ago I told mom to change the plant planter because the plant had already grown a lot and the little planter v/s the strong winds made the plant fall. 

I told mom "I've just had an accident. I pierced my eardrum while moving the plant". She asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital, but I wanted to breath and assimilate what it had just happened.

I collapsed when listening to my mom plus thinking, "what am I going to do? I have to play with my band in two more days". I reacted saying "mom, I told you to get rid of that plant or to buy a bigger planter". 

I was not angry, but I felt annoyed (like argh!) with too much stimuli and I decided to go out and do what I was going to do.

The next day, while having lunch, mom said she was sorry and I said, "the only contribution your plant achieved was to make your son half deaf" in a frustrated manner.

I know mom and I am sure after that she felt guilty and I said, "It's not your fault, it's not the plant's fault, it's about how I interacted with it. Don't get rid of the plant".

I lost the ability to hear low frequencies. My left ear listens as if I had a finger covering it. I went to the doctor and he said that the healing process could last from 1 month to 1 year, so now I have to take care of my ear and avoid water to go inside to prevent an infection.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed and accepted myself to be careful when moving something big and to physically compromise myself when interacting with the plant.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to say,  "mom, I told you to get rid of that plant or to buy a bigger planter", because that was not going to change anything. I was only trying to make my mom feel guilty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to try to make someone feel guilty for something that happened to me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe/think that making someone feel guilty is going to be a better contribution to what had happened to me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame someone separate from me so as to compensate the emotions I was experiencing in that moment.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed and accepted myself to see/realize/understand that in participating in those reactions/emotions I am allowing myself to be directed by them, activating thoughts, opinions and memories that only inhibit me from doing the best for all and instead of that I only focused on me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to activate thoughts, because the only thing I achieved was feeling collapsed.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel collapsed when participating in energy movements while listening to what mom was suggesting v/s my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to keep reacting with comments like "the only contribution your plant achieved was to make your son half deaf".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself the thought and comment "the only contribution your plant achieved was to make your son half deaf" to exist within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react with projections when experiencing an accident, allowing my mind to show me pictures in which I was playing with my band and I couldn't hear well and everything sounded bad.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to trust the pictures my mind show me as if reality was going to happen according to that.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to enjoy the moment when experiencing the accident and just reacting with comments towards mom trying to make her feel guilty for something she hadn't done, because I thought "if she would have listened to me and changed the planter to a bigger one, this wouldn't have happened".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to try to make someone feel regret when thinking/believing I was right and make them realize that they did wrong because they didn't listen to me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to tell people "you should not procrastinate when I ask you to do something" and I am not even an example of that.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to abuse of words instead of using the example when wanting others to do their duties immediately.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to just blame my mom instead of stand up and go buying a bigger planter. The plant is my mom's, but I also live in the same house and if I see that something could be changed as the best for all, I can also do it instead of waiting/expecting and then just complaining.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to complain after something "bad" happened when I did not even try anything to avoid the consequence. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience sadness and regret after realizing my mom felt bad for what happened to me.

When and as I see myself collapsing in accidents/moments I did not expect, I stop and breathe. I realize that the reason why I am collapsing is because I am allowing my mind to guide me with thoughts, memories, emotions and projections, and I am only feeding/believing the scenes my mind system shows me in which I see myself in the worst scenario and then, instead of breathing and making sure I stopped any polarity movement I activate the negative/frustrated character and make comments that are only the result of what I have created within my mind.

I commit myself to stop, breathe and make sure I am no longer participating in any polarity movement when experiencing an accident/unexpected situation. Thus, I will be able to take self-responsibility instead of blaming others.

I commit myself to see my responsibility first instead of looking for the others'. Thereby, I will avoid experiencing regret later when thinking, "I could have acted differently", "I shouldn't have said that".