lunes, 17 de febrero de 2014

Ego v/s Warm-Hearted Character in Relationship with Money (Day 14)

I Would like to refer to a point I am currently walking in order to share my self-awareness experience when ego patterns activate/react towards a specific and casual event I was not expecting whatsoever.

I have been talking to my ex-girlfriend lately. Most conversations happen through e-mail and we have met in person 3 times.

After the break up I started getting lots of messages from her saying that she missed me and things like that. And the reason I never replied was because she never asked me anything within her e-mails. It was like she "needed" someone to talk about what was happening within herself.

A whole year passed and one day I got a SMS in my cellphone. She wanted to meet. I thought, "I am not busy now. I have nothing against her and yeah, I want to go out". So we met.

I always knew that even though we are no longer together, we are creating a "relationship", not in a sense of a couple, I mean, more literal, a relationship as what happens when and as we interact with each other, which can be once a year or once a month, etc. spontaneously.

So, I knew I have to be self-honest, because even though I am not looking for getting back together and I have my ideas very clear, there might be some old characters that can re-emerge as they did in the past when we were in a relationship as gf and bf.

The point is that I believed everything was in absolute control until 2 days ago when she called me asking for a favor. She was on holidays in another city and she "needed" money. It was not much but there's exactly when old characters showed up when she said she was with a boy friend and that if I could, I had to transfer the money to his account.

The first character I identified was ego. Ego showed me old memories; it wanted me to feel inferior with its game of competition. Me as ego thought "What the fuck! Does she think I am stupid? She is fucking another guy and she wants me to lend them my money to keep doing what they want and then make fun of me? I am not going to do it. Fuck them".

I stopped and breathed. I saw ego as something separate from me, so until I realized I was feeding ego, I no longer accepted to become that system.

Then, what activated was the warm-hearted character. The one that only sees "positive", the one that only "feels", the one that does not see commonsense!

After that, I moved from the warm-hearted character as a pendulum to the selfish-character. I thought, "I do not have to share my money. 2 weeks ago I lent some money to another friend and he has not even called or gave any excuse. All people are the same, within the only point you cannot trust anyone is money".

Finally, I went to the point of support. If I go on holiday, I organize my money according to the days I am going to stay there. So, if I were to need more money during my holidays, it would be because there was a moment in which I allowed the events to go out of control and not walking my starting point. And you cannot go expecting others to be responsible for your irresponsibility. So, I preferred to stay away and that she made her own reflection.

So I sent her a message that said, "I can't. Good luck!".

Today, she called me again. And she said she was sorry, that she did not have to call me asking for money. But in that moment, I was the only person that she thought of. So, she managed herself to get out of that situation without depending on anybody. Simple.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react with ego when experiencing a phone call by my ex-gf. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself the thought "What the fuck! Does she think I am stupid? She is fucking another guy and she wants me to lend them my money to keep doing what they want and then make fun of me? I am not going to do it. Fuck them" to exist within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react with anger due to the thoughts I allowed to exist while moving through ego.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to change like a pendulum from a negative energy to a positive one when activating the warm-hearted character within myself after dealing with ego.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feed the positive energy seeing everything as an opportunity to be "good", but actually changing anything while being within the warm-hearted character.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe/perceive/think that in remaining in positive energy, things are going to be "better".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make comparisons between negative and positive energy and prefer the positive as the "better" one due to the (fake) feelings I am experiencing.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to again move from a positive character to a negative one when the selfish character showed up.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feed the selfish character because while remaining there I was not able to see common sense, but only experiencing thoughts like "I do not have to share my money. 2 weeks ago I lent some money to another friend and he has not even called or gave an excuse. All people are the same, within the only point you cannot trust anyone is money".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to move like a pendulum through polarity equations when facing an unexpected situation, because I immediately tried to do the "right" thing, identifying the "bad" ones I should not do. Therefore, making a choice based on polarity. 

When and as I see myself reacting with polarity movements within myself towards an unexpected situation in which I have to make a decision, I stop and breathe. I realize that my participation in those characters; positive and negative, inhibits me from seeing common sense and to foster a real support, because I am only allowing thoughts, memories and energy to direct me in those situations.

I commit myself to deconstruct all the characters that I am able to identify while experiencing unexpected situations in which I have to make a decision, without establishing a starting point while remaining within any kind of polarized energy. Thus, when I notice myself experiencing energy movements, I commit myself to stop and breathe and bring me back to my physical human body, so as to make a decision in common sense and not an energy reaction. 

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