martes, 25 de febrero de 2014

Fear and Anxiety Before Playing Live (Day 16)

It is very common to hear that artists experience something in their chests/stomachs before acting/playing/performing. Once I heard that a singer quit his band because he stopped feeling that weird and inexplicable feeling before playing.

Some others say that feeling is part of the performance and if you don't feel that before playing, it wouldn't be the same (giving it a positive meaning).

The other day I had to perform live with my band and I talked to a band mate and we shared how we felt in that moment. I said, "I feel worried, because we brought all our gear and as this show is happening outside in a skate park, I'm afraid something bad happens to our equipment".

Then, as I saw people coming and coming to see the show and they brought alcohol, I thought "I hope these people behave when we play, I don't want them to throw us stuff over our heads because they don't like our music".

I also noticed I was worried because I had my car parked on a hill near the skate park and as some years ago our instruments were stolen from our car, now I don't want that to happen again.

My friend was worried about how to hit the drums, because he is learning new techniques and we hadn't practiced for a while.

It was weird because instead of being worried about what I was going to do, I was worried because of the environment and hoping nothing bad to happen.

I remember that 11 years ago - when I had my first band - a guy approached me in a gig and he wanted to steal my guitar before playing. He wouldn't stop saying he had a gun and if I didn't give him some money he would kill me and take my guitar.

Therefore, now I see that this fear and anxiety before playing could be extrapolated to fear of being robbed and anxiety of hoping nothing bad to happen during the show.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear being robbed while expecting my turn to play with my band in a place wherein there is no backstage.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe that people are going to be the same when I played 11 years ago with my first band in a similar context wherein people brought alcohol and they got drunk.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire and become obsessed with the idea of being safe.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feed the negatively charged emotions of fear and anxiety with memories from the past wherein I got robbed.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to activate memories from past similar events within my current existence.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself the thought "I hope these people behave when we play, I don't want them to throw us stuff over our heads because they don't like our music" to exist within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to direct all my fear and anxiety towards the people there, as if they wanted to do the same that happened to me 11 years ago in a gig.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to compare a past event with my current situation and thus, feeding my own creations and remaining there under my own allowance.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to wish not to play because I wanted to avoid "danger".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe/think/perceive danger due to the thoughts I, myself fed.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire to be "positive" due to the entire "negative" my mind system saw.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to give power to my mind when only seeing through the system instead of using my physical eyes.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to compare people according to the way they dressed because they looked like punks. Similar clothing the ones that wanted to steal my guitar 11 years ago wore.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe I was able to know the attitude of all the people there, because if they were punks and drunk, to me it was obvious they would hate everything, they were going to yell at us, and they were going to say our band sucked because it does not sound as punk as they are, defining us as the boy band of the show.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge myself through the belief that I knew what people could be possibly thinking about us. It's like "I don't care about those people, I know all the stuff they can judge from us. So, what's new? Give me something more original".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fight with those people inside my mind, giving them different personalities when interacting in a mental scenario.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to place myself in a mental scenario in which I had the chance to create the battle of our minds, but instead of doing that in reality, I was imagining that within my mind on my own.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create a whole different "reality" within my mind when experiencing fear and anxiety.

When and as I see myself reacting with fear and anxiety, believing/thinking/perceiving that something "bad" or "dangerous" might happen, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am only creating mental scenarios which are not real here in my present and that I am the responsible for not stopping.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I start experiencing fear and anxiety that come through a comparison based on the context and the people.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I catch myself living in mental scenarios instead of being here and seeing through my physical eyes.

When and as I see myself participating in mental scenarios, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am giving value to my thoughts, considering all the possibilities and probabilities related to how other people could judge me/my band, going into the ego character that considers all people the same and that they have nothing new/original to say.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe/think that to be an acceptable/different person you have to be original and not act like the masses.

I commit myself to stop judging myself through thinking how people could judge me, because I am only going into a defense mode, like anticipating chess movements, therefore, I am competing with people within my mind, creating alternative realities that do not exist here in the physical, but I end up experiencing the outcomes in reality anyways.

I commit myself to deconstruct through self-writing and self-honesty all the patterns that activated in the past that now manifest within my current existence, because I haven't walked them within this process yet.


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