Here I am continuing with my previous blog with regards to how I experienced that "weird" emotion in my stomach/chest as fear and anxiety before playing live with my band.
Now, I can relate those emotions of fear and anxiety to the self-manipulative character that thinks negatively based on a previous experience after the activation of memories that led me into back chatting within my physical existence HERE.
Within the process of feeding the fear and anxiety I understand the reason why I have heard some artists saying that the "weird" feeling before performing is part of the whole package and if you don't feel it, anything would be the same and it wouldn't make sense.
If one introjects that system of "negative thinking" in order to get a "positive" outcome, I can say - due to my experiences within those systems - artists consider/define that feeling as "positive" in order to remain negatively with low expectations - but expectations anyways - and then, when everything went "better" than one thought it's where one experiences the positive feeling of relief and/or satisfaction.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to activate my manipulative character when controlling my experience based on polarity friction.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create/feed the friction within my thoughts v/s the real experience I have/had before and after playing.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to remain within those negatively charged emotions until I perform, only allowing myself to experience self-distrust/insecurity even during the previous seconds before playing and sometimes during the first song.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to move from self-distrust/insecurity to a positively charged feeling of accomplishment/relief/satisfaction and being content thinking "wow, it wasn't as hard as I thought" - after performing.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself the thought "wow, it wasn't as hard as I thought" - after performing - to exist within and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to stop the friction and then only remaining positive within a feeling of "stability".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe that a positive feeling of stability will always make everything better, because "I saved my ass" after going through a whole manipulated process of emotions, thoughts and feelings.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe that without that feeling in my chest/stomach before performing I am not going to enjoy and/or it's not going to be the same, because the experience will not include adrenaline.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to mind fuck myself through the manipulative character that dictates how to experience and move myself - under my allowance - through mind/mental scenarios in which I imagine an alternative reality that does not exist here, in time and space as who I am as life in the physical, in every moment and every breath.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed and accepted myself to be the physical expression of me and instead of that I was experiencing myself only in quantum time, getting completely distracted from what was going on here.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to get distracted by thoughts through a process of self-creating and manipulating my experience so as to achieve the expected outcome.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe that as I used to have positive expectations before, now I have to move towards the opposite = thinking negative and expecting the positive, without realizing that I am just moving along polarity and holding on to justifications through self-dishonesty so as to keep all the positive under a feeling of accomplishment/relief, remaining there and feeding the mind system to exist.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define performing as fear and anxiety; otherwise, the performance loses its purpose.
When and as I see myself manipulating my physical experiences through controlling how and where I move within my mind as energy friction by means of comparing thoughts and emotions v/s reality under polarity basis, I stop and breathe. I realize that controlling my experiences through my mind system I am not being the expression of self in self-honesty as breath, as life, and that I am only focused on "feeling" instead of "living" as the physical.
I commit myself to investigate through self-writing and self-honesty all the characters that I am able to identify that inhibit me from being self-honest and only abusing of polarity and free choice within feelings and emotions according to how I want to feel and how I want to experience myself through energy instead of breath as life, as my physical expression here.