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Re-defining Songs (Day 13)

I have been dealing with the meaning of a sentence I wrote in a song like 8 years ago when I had a different perspective of the one I have been developing now within this process of self-honesty.

Well, to explain myself better, I play in a band since 2004 and we recorded an album in 2005. We always felt very comfortable and satisfied with the music, but when the writing process had to be addressed, we got complicated. 

I have always defined myself as a guitar player, but as we did not have a singer, I decided to do it in order to make the band start recording and playing without waiting for a singer to join us.

We always had the music ready, but it was hard to make lyrics that I could feel totally satisfied with. I mean, I liked the melody of the voice, but not necessarily the lyrics.

The lyrics were definitely based on our experiences as teenagers and a "positive" message of moving on and "you can do it!"

But, there is a particular sentence in one of those songs, which I heard again after 8 years and I do not agree now.

The song is called "Do not doubt" (No Dudar) and the sentence says "Why is it too hard to believe in what you think, you should not doubt, but believe in yourself".

I interpret it as "You should believe in your thoughts and do not doubt about it". And now I know I can't trust thoughts or define myself as my thoughts, because they are unstable and polarity-based. Which is completely different from what I am doing now = stopping the mind system.

Here comes the thing, we recorded a new album which is going to be released soon and we included a new version of that old song, but the lyrics are the same and the song was recorded before I started walking this process, so I have been judging myself, because I will be singing a song with which I no longer feel identified with, which is dishonest.

Firstly, I started with rejection towards the song, but, within the band there are 2 other members who enjoy a lot playing it, but I, as the singer must give the message, so the best for all in this case would not be avoiding to play the song, it would only be the best for me.

Secondly, I thought that before playing the song it would be an opportunity to explain the song to the audience, which is about a character that believed that trusting his thoughts he was going to do well in his life, but the only thing he was achieving was self-interest in remaining the same without considering other possibilities beyond his thoughts and blah blah. 

Finally, I analyzed this case deeper and placed myself within myself when I wrote that song back in 2004 and I saw all the points around me and I remember that I used to think like that due to my relationship with my dad, because even though he always physically supported me being in the band, he never agreed. When I got bad grades at school he would take out my guitar to his work so I couldn't play. He always mentioned, "when kids do bad things, they have to be grounded and take out all the things they enjoy doing the most".

The same happened when I was in primary school. If I got bad grades, he would take out my video games, toys, etc.

I remember that once he said, "Music is not going to give you money to survive. The successful musicians in this country come from rich families or when they are drug addicts or when they are homosexuals, and you... are none of those".

He also said to me "You are going to be grown up by the day you realize that music has been a waste of time in your life".

So, how did I make a relationship between the lyrics and my experience with that? As it follows:

"Why is it too hard for you to believe in what you think, you should not doubt, but believe in yourself" = Because I have always enjoyed making/playing music and despite everything my dad said, I knew I was not doing something "bad". 

I was learning how to express myself, how to create agreements with human beings, how to trust each other, how to set a goal and work for it until it's done, how to be able to consider others' opinions, how to come with a little idea and plus the help of my friends make something as ONE. The same principles you can apply to every relationship: work level, family level, friendship level, etc = TOOLS.

So, the focus I can give to the song now is completely different, but taken from the same literal source. 

I also judged myself for this, because I thought "I am just changing the meaning of the sentence because it makes me avoid feeling ashamed", but instead of judging myself I decided to take it as a part of my process and it is cool to have songs/thoughts I wrote many years ago, because I can de-construct them in self-honesty in order to understand/know myself better and to avoid repeating thought-based patterns that can manifest again as a loop within my current existence as the physical, now and here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience anger when my dad made comments regarding my relationship with music.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire to have another dad, because mine was against my relationship with music.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed and accepted myself to see/realize/understand that behind my dad's words there was fear, because according to him, I was not doing something that would help me survive in this world.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge myself when defining me as someone dishonest that is trying to change the meaning of his lyrics because now I have a different perspective and I don't want others to judge me when they listen to me speaking about "stopping thoughts" and then singing "trust your thoughts".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear what others may think of me when they notice the difference between my current perspective v/s the one that I apply when singing based on an old different perspective.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to do things in the physical that are directed by polarity, for instance, I wanted to prove my dad that he was wrong until last year when I decided to take a masters program at university after finishing my career while being in the band, trying to show my dad I was able to do both things and that music was not making me get distracted with what he had defined as the most important thing in the world = to study (defining education as the only valuable heritage parents can give to their kids).

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react with anger after I finished my masters program when I told him: I decided to do this, because I wanted to make you understand that I have never been wasting my time with music. It did not happen because I wanted to be a "better professional", so there's no reason to be "happy".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience an emotion of embarrassment for what I wrote 8 years ago.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react with rejection towards something I wrote 8 years ago and remain there for many weeks instead analyzing in self-honesty and self-writing in order to grasp all the variables involved within this situation.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate in polarity when arguing with my dad when he was like "music is bad" and I was like "music is good", playing tennis with our mind systems instead of understanding each other. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to start looking for old events that happened between dad and I and believe/perceive that everything he did "against me" was because I am/was never going to be what he wants/wanted.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire to be what my dad wanted me to be but only compensating/proving when doing a masters program and then picturing within my mind a situation in which I told my dad "Here you have, this what you wanted, right? Now, shut your mouth and let me do what I want... now I am free"


I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define freedom as proving to someone they were wrong after compensating energy.

When and as I see myself experiencing an emotion of embarrassment when noticing I have changed my perspective, but my past says something different, I stop and breathe. I realize that the embarrassment comes because I am judging myself according to what others may think of me when they notice I say for instance "I have realized not to trust my thoughts" and my lyrics say "You should trust what you think".

I commit myself to stop judging myself and feeling embarrassed due to something I used to believe. Instead of that, I commit myself to analyze through self-honesty and self-writing in order to de-construct old patterns that still manifest today, so as to foster understanding within the relationship with my dad and/or any human being when they have a different point of view, physically seeing out of the system and not to react compensating the embarrassment/inferiority emotion establishing starting points and then wanting to "prove" that they are wrong and that I am right, only feeding the mind system.



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