lunes, 31 de marzo de 2014

I don't want to but I have to (Day 23)

Today after work I was on the bus to get home and suddenly after the bus stopped before the traffic lights I saw 2 men working on the grass.

They are people in charge of cleaning the streets and taking care of the grass. They work for the city and they are hired by a governmental entity.

I saw that they were taking out the little plants and only leaving the grass. I asked myself "why are they doing that? Are they asked to do it?". They were not even taking the little plants to another place; they were only being thrown to the garbage.

That's when my mind system activated a memory in which I remembered my dad doing the same with plants that are considered scrub. 

I thought, "Are they asked to do this because the city is supposed to look beautiful and those little plants are considered scrubs/ugly/useless?".

I stopped and breathed and I did not allow myself to judge those workers. Instead of that, I placed myself within their shoes and changed the context into mine. For instance - considering that those people are asked to do something they do not want to do - I am a teacher of English and I do not enjoy qualifying students with marks, but I have to. I tell students that it's a part of the system in which we are participating, but I emphasize that they are not a mark, they are not a number, they are not A or B or C, they are human beings and that besides the low marks they might be  assigned after performing, that does not mean they are not smart/intelligent. I talk to them about polarity in simple words. BUT, I have to mark them anyways = I have to, but I don't want to.

Of course there are teachers that say, "if you get an A it means you are smart and if you get an F you are stupid/lazy".

So, getting back to my previous point. I wondered "Are those workers aware of what they are doing? Do they believe those little plants are scrub and that they must be taken out into the garbage?", "Do they think they are doing something "good" when it is actually something "bad"? Because you can be so immersed within your duties, worries, etc. that the only thing you think of is getting the fucking money to feed their families and be able to survive in this world, giving value to surviving instead of living in self-honesty.

Are those workers guilty or innocent? What's the difference? Probably only the adjective, but in reality we are all responsible for our participation in this world. BUT, self-awareness is not something that comes magically and makes us realize what we are doing. It's a process.
Are people responsible for not being aware of themselves? Because many people are born in this world as it exists and they just participate as mind systems and they are only directed by their programming which is based on polarity and "worse"; they do not have access to study supportive material that works as tools with which they can change their lives and pierce the veil of fake reality. 

I have realized that I can't just approach people and start throwing up information about the mind, polarity, pre-program systems, self-forgiveness, etc. that's not going to change anything. Therefore, what is more effective is that we become the physical example and not only focused on what we speak, but actions in commonsense = the living word. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to only speak about how people must be in order to change instead of me being the example with my physical actions.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to give value to words/information/knowledge instead of actions because it's easier to give opinions while I am sat down instead of being me the one who sees and acts immediately.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe/perceive that people are going to change if I talk to them and share the information I have been studying.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe/perceive that people must change before me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed and accepted myself to be the change.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to wait until other people change and then I move.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed and accepted myself to give the first step forward.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to remain at the back and wait because I am not sure.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let my negatively charged emotions direct my physical actions as an example for the people in my environment. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become something I do not want to, because even though I know how things must be done, I only look for justifications instead of standing up and wait for others to do it and then "if I am in the mood" I do it.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to justify myself with a positive feeling of "being in the mood" to act, which is only me moving between polarity.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let my mind and its polarity be my engine towards doing/acting/standing up.

When and as I see myself waiting/justifying my physical self-movement as an example instead of only words I stop and breathe. I realize that my participation in blabbering words and waiting for others to change instead of me makes me be/support the system and remain the same, and in this case I am the responsible for realizing and not acting, instead I go judging other people for not realizing their participation in this world and just wondering/thinking within my mind "why don't people change" and the answer is "because we all do the same"; we expect others to do the "right" thing and letting our minds only judge.

I commit myself to act immediately when I know I have to do something.

I commit myself to become the example of the points I realize instead of waiting for others to realize what I have realized and see how they act, because those realizations are my own, for me as one.


Pushing myself towards self-writing (Day 22)

I have allowed myself to procrastinate my self-writings remaining within my mind and "feeling" satisfied with the idea of "I will do it later". 

This is not happening only at writing. For instance, I have to go to the doctor, check some tests that I applied at school, etc. and I haven't physically moved myself. I have also observed that this is a repeated pattern that I allow to exist with and as myself in every field I have to express myself.

When I do my self-writings I usually want to write more and more, but I allow myself to wait until the next day and then it becomes easy to me to put it off for more and more days.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to procrastinate my duties.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself the thought "It does not matter, I'll do it later" to exist within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feed myself with thoughts that create the illusion of "everything's okay".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to remain within my mind and how it makes me "feel" instead of physically standing up and become the directive principle of my life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let my mind be the engine that I feed with thoughts as energy.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to look for excuses to avoid doing my duties. For instance, I everyday have points that I know I have to write down and deconstruct, but I only do some poor self-forgiveness in my mind after applying the four count breath but I sometimes get distracted with what's going on in the environment and I don't finish.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to only apply self-forgiveness in my mind instead of writing them down and really comprehend and get to the roots of the mind reactions/manifestations.

When and as I see myself procrastinating my duties, I stop and breathe. I realize that my participation in procrastinating inhibits me from physically move myself, remaining only within my mind, only thinking about self-forgiveness, but giving no direction to my physical body.

I commit myself to carry with me a notebook everywhere I go in order to write the points I have to write when I am on my own, instead of trusting my mind as a reminder.

I commit myself to deconstruct the points in which I allow myself to procrastinate so as to move myself not as the mind, but physically. 

I commit myself to write at least three times a week.

I commit myself to physically move myself towards the pendent duties I have, thus I will be able to enjoy my present, now and here without being worried about the things I haven't done, constantly existing in the past every time I remember I have procrastinated.


miércoles, 12 de marzo de 2014

Saving Memories (Day 21)

During my whole life many songs have been part of my memories. When I listen to them again I feel the same feelings and emotions when I first listened to them.

As I was aware of this point I have manipulated something that came from natural to intentional. For instance, every time I go on holidays I like to download a new band's album in order to "save the moment", so later when I listen to the songs again I am transported to the past towards those "positive" feelings that were part of my life and I allow myself to abuse of memories to bring me something back that I miss because it no longer exists.

I have also done the same with images. When I was 12 years old I remember I moved to another city with my family. It was Sunday night and I was roller-skating. I did not want that moment to end. I wanted to make it last forever in my mind, so I focused on how I was moving; I looked my shadow and took a mind picture that I am able to access whenever I want now.

I wanted to save that moment because the next day I was going to have my first day at school; I was going to be the new student and I was not sure how things were going happen. So, I held onto that specific moment to remain positive, but from fear.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to shoot mind pictures to save a moment in which I feel good in order to remember it whenever I want.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let those mind pictures be my definition of "I". 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe that I am my memories.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hold onto memories because I fear the future.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear the future.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe that holding onto memories I am going to be "good".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to intentionally shoot mind photographs to abuse them later.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe that due to my "ability" to take mind photographs I have the right to do it whenever I want because it's part of me = my definition of self.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself as the experiences that I turned into memories.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to activate the mind pictures when I go into songs.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use songs as a memory keeper.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to go into songs every time I am going to experience something new so as to have a memory within my mind system.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to escape from reality when activating mind pictures/songs trying to make my past exist now and here in my current existence.

When and as I see myself shooting mind pictures and going into songs in order to save a moment and then create a memory that activates whenever I allow myself to go towards memories/songs, I stop and breathe. I realize that every time I am going into memories I am getting distracted from my current existence and self-honesty as breath, as the physical expression of self believing/thinking that I am memories.

I commit myself to stop abusing these techniques that I have acquired/developed since I was a kid every time I have to experience something for the first time in order to be here in every moment and every breath.

I commit myself to bring me back to my physical human body with one breath every time I catch myself wandering within my thoughts/memories/feelings/emotions.

I commit myself to live every new experience without the desire to remain positive through mind pictures/songs.


martes, 11 de marzo de 2014

The "Falling in Love" Feeling (Day 20)

I had to play with my band in a different city last weekend. I could manage my fear and anxiety before playing live, because I did not allow myself to create any expectation.

Now, I am going to refer to a different point that emerged that day before and after playing. I was like "wanting" to meet a girl. 

The women's toilet was inside the backstage, so I could see girls coming in and going out all the time. That's why I took that as I had to choose one; the right one.

While playing live, I was able to see everybody there and I made eye contact with some girls that I liked or that went according to the prototype/style I prefer.

After the show, I went to the crowd to see the next bands and suddenly someone touched my arm. It was one of the girls I liked offering me a cookie. I accepted and then we talked for about 3 hours. 

As I was talking to her, I realized I started liking more and more stuff from her. For instance, her face, smell, hair, behavior, etc. I was having fun and happy because I noticed she was interested in talking with me, she paid attention to everything I said. It was different to my previous interactions with girls during last year.

Why do I say this was different? Because it is hard for me to really like a girl. Actually I have kissed/had sex with many girls just because I had the opportunity to do it, but I did not necessarily like them.

So, I started seeing everything as "positive". She helped me carrying my guitar and backpacks. She had interesting topics to talk about. She was able to look me in the eyes when I was talking and she was different from other girls that do not know what to say when I am referring to a specific theme.

Then we all moved to a square, but she invited me to go a few blocks far away from there. That's when we got closer and we kissed.

After we kissed, she said "this was what you wanted, didn't you?" I laughed, because I knew my behavior changed when I decided I wanted to kiss her, so I guess she noticed that.

The point is that I was aware of my behavior, so I did not want to insist, so I did not ask for her telephone number or how to contact her, because I did not want her to think I was like a desperate, but, when I like a girl it's hard for me to hide it. 

Well, now I am going to refer to what I have been experiencing after that specific event. I have been expecting her to contact me, I have been picturing myself with that girl within my mind, I have been thinking of how I could manage myself to visit her if we agree to see each other = expectations. I have been also remembering some words she said, for instance "I wish you could stay longer to get to know you better", interpreting that as if she liked me. Everything focused on the positive feelings.

I have also caught myself thinking of her and getting emotions of anxiety within myself, like the butterflies in the stomach thing. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create my whole experience of positive feelings when I got to the place I had to play at.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself the desire of a girl because I saw many of them walking next to me when they went to the toilet.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be directed by the desire of meeting a girl during the whole show.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define girls as a prototype/style and when they are related to it, I like them.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to establish my prototype of girl based on the way girls dress, the way their hair is, their body shape, etc.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to only focus on the "positive" aspects when I interact with a girl that goes according to my prototype. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to get anxious when talking with this girl, because I smoked and smoked many cigarettes while preparing myself to do the first move.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to activate my "in love" character when interacting with a girl that goes according to my prototype.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to compare this girl with the previous girls I have met and due to that comparison, I highlighted all the positive traits and I remained there feeding my experience with thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to get distorted from my reality when feeding the positive feeling based on comparison, pictures and expectations considering all the possibilities and probabilities with this new girl.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe/perceive that all this positive feelings are called "falling in love".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to give value as energy when noticing a girl is interested in what I say/do based on their behavior and how she reacts to me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to activate the "in love" character when I notice a girl talks about interesting topics and that we get along well because we "connected".

The last time I "fell in love" which happened in 2010 was a very similar process, therefore now I am able to say that this is only I feeding/creating the love (positive feeling) towards someone separate from me. 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed and accepted myself to see/realize/understand that you don't feel love; the mind system does, because love is physical actions in commonsense and it has nothing to do with "feeling". What you feel is a pre-programmed illusion.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe I was falling in love due to all the positive feelings I was creating within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use expectations and images as the energy to feed my definition of love.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe that love is what I am experiencing now, because it is similar to my previous experiencing of "falling in love".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use my NOW in HERE to create expectations that get me distracted from my physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed and accepted myself to stop the feeding loop process of the "falling in love" experience.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed and accepted myself to realize that what I am feeding/creating within my mind is an illusion that I am accepting/defining as real.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe/perceive that the illusions I create within my mind system are real.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe the whole package I created within my mind system since I arrived to the gig with the expectation of meeting a girl and then, once it happened I gave it value and started seeing everything as I wanted/expected/desired.

When and as I see myself experiencing positive feelings when I meet a new girl, I stop and breathe. I realize that those feelings are designed by me according to my own preferences and prototypes and then, when reality fits what's within my mind, I allow myself to react with positively-charged feelings that I have defined as "falling in love". Thus, I realize that all my previous experiences of love were directed by me; therefore I am responsible for everything I experience when I interact with a girl.

I commit myself to stop the expectations and pictures that show me all the possibilities and probabilities of me having a relationship with a girl.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe/perceive that when I experience these positive feelings when interacting with a girl it means that "I fell in love" and that due to that I have to go into a new relationship.

When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that due to all the positive feelings I create/feed towards a new girl I have met I have to go into a new relationship, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am not going to be able to establish agreements if I allow myself to be directed by feelings. Thus, I realize that feelings are of the mind and I am not of the mind.

I also went into the search of a song that could lock that moment as something special, in order to make it a memory that I could later abuse of.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to go into the search of a song in order to create a "nice" memory in order to abuse it later and keep feeding this "love" feeling/experience.

When and as I see myself going into songs so as to create/design a memory, I stop and breathe. I realize that when I look for songs - to lock the moments I experience in order to remember them later - I am feeding/creating the feeling as energy.

I commit myself to stop the self-abuse when controlling how and when I create memories after experiencing something I have defined as "falling in love".

I commit myself to deconstruct through self-writing all the constructs/definitions/beliefs that I believe as love/falling in love, because they are repeated patters that still manifest today and inhibit me from being here.