martes, 11 de marzo de 2014

The "Falling in Love" Feeling (Day 20)

I had to play with my band in a different city last weekend. I could manage my fear and anxiety before playing live, because I did not allow myself to create any expectation.

Now, I am going to refer to a different point that emerged that day before and after playing. I was like "wanting" to meet a girl. 

The women's toilet was inside the backstage, so I could see girls coming in and going out all the time. That's why I took that as I had to choose one; the right one.

While playing live, I was able to see everybody there and I made eye contact with some girls that I liked or that went according to the prototype/style I prefer.

After the show, I went to the crowd to see the next bands and suddenly someone touched my arm. It was one of the girls I liked offering me a cookie. I accepted and then we talked for about 3 hours. 

As I was talking to her, I realized I started liking more and more stuff from her. For instance, her face, smell, hair, behavior, etc. I was having fun and happy because I noticed she was interested in talking with me, she paid attention to everything I said. It was different to my previous interactions with girls during last year.

Why do I say this was different? Because it is hard for me to really like a girl. Actually I have kissed/had sex with many girls just because I had the opportunity to do it, but I did not necessarily like them.

So, I started seeing everything as "positive". She helped me carrying my guitar and backpacks. She had interesting topics to talk about. She was able to look me in the eyes when I was talking and she was different from other girls that do not know what to say when I am referring to a specific theme.

Then we all moved to a square, but she invited me to go a few blocks far away from there. That's when we got closer and we kissed.

After we kissed, she said "this was what you wanted, didn't you?" I laughed, because I knew my behavior changed when I decided I wanted to kiss her, so I guess she noticed that.

The point is that I was aware of my behavior, so I did not want to insist, so I did not ask for her telephone number or how to contact her, because I did not want her to think I was like a desperate, but, when I like a girl it's hard for me to hide it. 

Well, now I am going to refer to what I have been experiencing after that specific event. I have been expecting her to contact me, I have been picturing myself with that girl within my mind, I have been thinking of how I could manage myself to visit her if we agree to see each other = expectations. I have been also remembering some words she said, for instance "I wish you could stay longer to get to know you better", interpreting that as if she liked me. Everything focused on the positive feelings.

I have also caught myself thinking of her and getting emotions of anxiety within myself, like the butterflies in the stomach thing. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create my whole experience of positive feelings when I got to the place I had to play at.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself the desire of a girl because I saw many of them walking next to me when they went to the toilet.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be directed by the desire of meeting a girl during the whole show.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define girls as a prototype/style and when they are related to it, I like them.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to establish my prototype of girl based on the way girls dress, the way their hair is, their body shape, etc.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to only focus on the "positive" aspects when I interact with a girl that goes according to my prototype. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to get anxious when talking with this girl, because I smoked and smoked many cigarettes while preparing myself to do the first move.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to activate my "in love" character when interacting with a girl that goes according to my prototype.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to compare this girl with the previous girls I have met and due to that comparison, I highlighted all the positive traits and I remained there feeding my experience with thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to get distorted from my reality when feeding the positive feeling based on comparison, pictures and expectations considering all the possibilities and probabilities with this new girl.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe/perceive that all this positive feelings are called "falling in love".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to give value as energy when noticing a girl is interested in what I say/do based on their behavior and how she reacts to me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to activate the "in love" character when I notice a girl talks about interesting topics and that we get along well because we "connected".

The last time I "fell in love" which happened in 2010 was a very similar process, therefore now I am able to say that this is only I feeding/creating the love (positive feeling) towards someone separate from me. 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed and accepted myself to see/realize/understand that you don't feel love; the mind system does, because love is physical actions in commonsense and it has nothing to do with "feeling". What you feel is a pre-programmed illusion.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe I was falling in love due to all the positive feelings I was creating within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use expectations and images as the energy to feed my definition of love.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe that love is what I am experiencing now, because it is similar to my previous experiencing of "falling in love".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use my NOW in HERE to create expectations that get me distracted from my physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed and accepted myself to stop the feeding loop process of the "falling in love" experience.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed and accepted myself to realize that what I am feeding/creating within my mind is an illusion that I am accepting/defining as real.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe/perceive that the illusions I create within my mind system are real.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe the whole package I created within my mind system since I arrived to the gig with the expectation of meeting a girl and then, once it happened I gave it value and started seeing everything as I wanted/expected/desired.

When and as I see myself experiencing positive feelings when I meet a new girl, I stop and breathe. I realize that those feelings are designed by me according to my own preferences and prototypes and then, when reality fits what's within my mind, I allow myself to react with positively-charged feelings that I have defined as "falling in love". Thus, I realize that all my previous experiences of love were directed by me; therefore I am responsible for everything I experience when I interact with a girl.

I commit myself to stop the expectations and pictures that show me all the possibilities and probabilities of me having a relationship with a girl.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe/perceive that when I experience these positive feelings when interacting with a girl it means that "I fell in love" and that due to that I have to go into a new relationship.

When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that due to all the positive feelings I create/feed towards a new girl I have met I have to go into a new relationship, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am not going to be able to establish agreements if I allow myself to be directed by feelings. Thus, I realize that feelings are of the mind and I am not of the mind.

I also went into the search of a song that could lock that moment as something special, in order to make it a memory that I could later abuse of.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to go into the search of a song in order to create a "nice" memory in order to abuse it later and keep feeding this "love" feeling/experience.

When and as I see myself going into songs so as to create/design a memory, I stop and breathe. I realize that when I look for songs - to lock the moments I experience in order to remember them later - I am feeding/creating the feeling as energy.

I commit myself to stop the self-abuse when controlling how and when I create memories after experiencing something I have defined as "falling in love".

I commit myself to deconstruct through self-writing all the constructs/definitions/beliefs that I believe as love/falling in love, because they are repeated patters that still manifest today and inhibit me from being here.


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