The other day I remembered the way I was/behaved with my girlfriends and I realized a pattern that always repeats during the first months of relationship. This pattern manifests as questions/doubts about my girlfriends' past experiences in relation to sex/ex-boyfriends.
There is a moment in which all that I have created within my mind towards my relationships - as positive - requires a justification to continue existing as such.
This repeated pattern/character is called ego/jealousy that manifests through a process of comparison that when I am not able to "win", ego hurts and therefore assimilates/define my interaction as poor or less than. (With Gfs’ Ex-Boyfriends)
Once that I have defined I "lost the battle", I continue creating friction and blaming girlfriends for feeling "inferior" during the rest of the relationship.
Now that I have been single for almost two years, I realize that if I am not able to forgive myself from all those patterns/characters, relationships are always going to be the same, because I have realized that all my relationships have finished due to a similar reason; I get bored, I end up disliking my girlfriends' smells, kisses, and I don't even feel like having sex - all that I had defined as "positive" turned into "negative"-.
I can say that in the past, I defined myself based on what I perceived I caused on my girlfriends. I wanted them to make me feel "special", making "them" feel special first. But actually I wanted to feel "more" than their ex-boyfriends, so if I was able to be the "first" at some point within Gfs’ lives, that would add more points to me, I would feel "good" and I would be "winning" the comparison battle, and therefore, feeling "special" and legitimizing my existence within the relationship.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire to be in a relationship even though I know I have to fix/clean/forgive myself, because I realize that there are still manifested patterns existing towards my definition of relationships and that are a separated self-definition = dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself based on what I think/believe/perceive I am creating on my partners, for instance, If I a think/believe/perceive I am creating something "unique", that would be my self-definition = I am unique. If I notice/believe I am creating/causing something that my partner already tried in her life (not necessarily sexual) I would define myself as "not original"/"not special".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to depend/trust on my perception/thoughts to define myself, instead of being me re-defining myself, taking responsibility as one.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe/think that a partner is responsible for what/how I "feel". That's why it is easy to blame and leave because once I haven't found an "acceptable" justification/definition of self within the relationship, I have to go for a new one in which I accept myself based on what I perceive I am creating/causing on a new partner/girlfriend.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to design how a partner must react to what I do, because if I see/perceive my recipe/definition of a relationship is working = the relationship is working = I am defining myself as I have established a partner must make me feel, contributing to my pre-programmed self-definition, therefore, they are doing a good job, because what I do on them is making me feel as I expect and/or define as acceptable/unique/special.
When and as I see myself defining myself based on what I think/believe/interpret I am causing/creating on my partners, I stop and breathe. I realize that in doing so, I am not taking self-responsibility, because I am just blaming and expecting other beings to show/tell me how I must feel and I only become an experiment of self as the mind when trying and being obsessed with winning/being more than others instead of becoming self-expression in every moment and every breathe. I realize that I place the self-judgment on others so I can blame them for "making me feel less than others" and not to take self-responsibility and see/realize/understand that it's only me playing with my mind instead of using my physical eyes to see reality out of polarity and act in Common Sense.
I commit myself to stop defining myself based on what I think/believe/perceive that I am causing on other beings/partners/girlfriends.
I commit myself to stop questioning/interrogating my partners/girlfriends in order to know if they tried something better than what I did = comparison.
I commit myself to stop the obsession to ask my partners/girlfriends about their past sexual experiences, because in doing so, I am only starting a process of self-definition based on how I feel towards what they are saying and also how I picture the situations while experiencing energetic charges through perception within and as the mind.
domingo, 27 de abril de 2014
domingo, 20 de abril de 2014
I am continuing with my previous post in which I wrote about how I have designed Judgment towards other human beings and also towards myself.
I realize that the judgment - before becoming self-judgment - was built/created as fear existing within myself, because I used to judge Christians/preachers that give speeches in the street and thinking/believing/perceiving that everybody looks at them as ridiculous beings.
So, now that I have seen myself doing something (having a little notebook with me to write some points within my process) I apply the same judgment towards myself with thoughts/backchats, like, "I don't want to look/be like them".
I designed the judgment and now that I am doing something, the fear possessed me, but I am currently able to see, understand and realize that I allow myself to participate in that demon I have created/fed.
This point took me back in time to my childhood, because I was the kid that used to make fun of all my classmates. I called them by nicknames based on their physical traits/gestures/voices, etc. Until I realized that all those physical defects I saw on others, I had them too.
In some aspects, I am grateful that I realized that what I see in others is only a reflection of myself. I used to see the straw in other people's eyes, and not the rafter in my own, or probably I unconsciously knew I had those defects and as I didn't want people to see them on me first, I tried to point them out in other beings, so as to protect/defend/hide myself because I feared accepting myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to see the straw in other people's eyes, and not the rafter in my own.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not accept myself with all my defects and judging others because I wanted to protect/hide myself instead.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear accepting myself with all my defects and to prefer blaming/judging others and not to see, realize and understand that in doing so, I was/am only remaining the same, making fun of others instead of making the change within myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be I the one who creates the mind traps, because I am designing the judgments and placing them in the ground as mines for the ones that are walking/moving in order to make them explode and then make fun of them, but I haven't realized that by the time I want to walk/move myself, those mines will damage myself as well.
When and as I see myself judging human beings for doing something I think/believe it's funny/ridiculous/freak/bizarre/stupid - any kind of pejorative - I stop and breathe. I realize that those judgments are only the reflection of the fear existing within and as myself and that I am trying to let go the fear making fun of it as if it was something separate from me that has nothing to do with me, without even seeing/realizing/understanding that when I see the straw in other people's eyes, I first have to see the rafter in my own, because in that way I will be taking responsibility in self-honesty and investigating how I can change something or even take what I see in others and apply it within myself, without judgment and fear.
I commit myself to stop the thoughts/backchats towards other people when they are doing something they think/believe it's "right", and instead of judging, to first look within myself in self honesty why I am reacting that way, and once I have done that, to see with my physical eyes the aspects I am judging and fearing that can work within my process even though they seemed to be ridiculous/freak/stupid/orthodox, etc., in order to learn from other human beings.
jueves, 17 de abril de 2014
On one of my previous posts I committed myself to have/carry a little notebook with me so as to write down the points I have to work within myself, because I tend to trust my mind as a reminder but I end up forgetting and putting off.
I bought the little notebook and I have it always with me and one of the first points I wrote was self-judgment. So, that's what I will write about today.
I noticed that after writing on my notebook I thought "I must look like a Christian/preacher when they have their little bibles with them. Do I really look like that? I don't want my friends to think that I have become an orthodox". After writing I gave a look at my friends in case they were looking at me, in order to get some interpretation about what they might be thinking about me and I realized that no one was even paying attention to what I was doing, so I thought "Cool, no one saw me, they don't care, it's not a big deal".
The next day I went to a party and I met a girl who studies psychology at college and we were talking about the mind, thoughts, reactions, etc. and when I finished giving my perspective, she said "that's psychoanalysis". I said, "No, it probably sounds similar, but it's not psychology".
Then she said, "You know what, I think all those theories sound great but "utopian", they are impossible to take into something real". That's when I talked about my own process/experience within Desteni and how I was able to change some patterns that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself. I concluded saying, "Look, I am writing on this notebook some points that I have/want to work in order to change myself. It's possible to make it real".
She replied, "Wow, I had never met a person that defended the psychoanalysis the way you do. This helps me understand some aspects within my own learning process and also to avoid judgments".
Then, I went home and while I was walking I started judging myself again, thinking, "Probably she thinks I am crazy for all I mentioned and she only said that to be polite/nice. I would like to know if she made any bad comment about me to their friends at the party. They might be laughing at me for being a freak guy".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge myself for writing on my notebook the points I have/want to change within and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate in polarity when thinking "am I doing right or wrong?", because I was interested in seeing any reaction/look on others to define myself based on how I could interpret their reactions towards myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not be self-honest within my process of writing, because I committed myself to do something physical, I did not commit myself with others, however I was expecting them to say something "bad" about me while seeing me writing on my notebook, because "if I am able to be the first at judging myself, other people might do it as well".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to give value to what other human beings may think of me, because I am accepting and allowing separation to exist within and as myself. In this, I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself as a person that requires other people's approval to be sure about what I am doing, instead of being me the one who is sure and consistent about the commitments I have with myself".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create the self-judgment and feed it with thoughts and mind scenarios/imagination, feeling inferior for doing something like Christians/religious people do.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to compare myself with something I have judged, because when I see Christians preaching in the streets or carrying their bibles with them I think "those people are crazy/bizarre/freak", therefore, the self-judgment when writing on my notebook comes from comparison and the thought "I don't want to be seen as one of them".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be directed by comparison/inferiority/self-judgment/resistance instead of realizing that I am fearing change and finding excuses to remain the same.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create mental scenarios in which I see everybody laughing/making fun at me for the things I do within the process I am walking.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be worried about how I want people to see me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to exist within/as fear, that's why I tried to look for other people's opinion about what I was doing, in order to get the approval or disapproval and then create/construct/define my own opinion about myself based on what I think/believe/perceive the rest thinks about me for writing on a notebook.
To be continued...
lunes, 14 de abril de 2014
Within my job as a teacher I can remember a few moments in which I took things personal, but they happened during my first year. Now, I am on my third year as a teacher and it's hard for me to get angry with students, because I prefer to address the issue through communication and agreements.
Today, I got angry with a student and I didn't even realize it until another student that was next to me said "teacher, don't get angry".
The scenario went as it follows:
Students were presenting oral reports. Before they start, I take the time to tell the class that they have to be quiet while their classmates are performing, because I have to assess them and if there's too much noise, I can't hear very well.
It was hard to me to keep them completely quiet today - teachers know that not all lessons with the same class work the same due to different factors -. So, I had to constantly stop and say "guys, be quiet. Your classmates are performing". That happened during almost all the presentations.
Sometimes, that class asks me to go 5 minutes earlier in order to buy their lunch and avoid the crowd at lunchtime. So, by the end of the class they asked me the same. I let some girls go out and have lunch 5 minutes before the ring sounded, because they helped me a lot the whole lesson. But, when the guys asked me the same, I said "No, you have to wait until the ring sounds, because you were interrupting your classmates, so you don't deserve that award. If you would have behaved well, I would let you go 5 minutes earlier, but not this time".
A student said "but you are talking about something completely different, you are mixing things up. We want to have lunch". I replied, "yes, I know, but you will have to wait 5 minutes until the ring sounds".
He started saying things that I took personal. I reacted feeling "evil". It's like he would have thought I was saying "You won't eat today, because you are bad kids and you do not deserve to eat". The student wouldn't stop making comparisons about his dad role at work, like comparing what I was doing with his dad's job".
I wanted to make him understand that it was not that I didn't want them to have lunch, it was just that they were not going out 5 minutes earlier as usual, because they were interrupting and I was not going to award that behavior/attitude.
He was like five meters away from me, so I was kind of yelling while a bunch of students wanted to "run away" and go buy lunch while I was still assessing the last student that had performed. So I told him "come here! What are you saying? I can't hear you well!" and that's when a girl said "teacher, don't get angry". I realized I was completely participating in a reaction within this minds' battle.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to take things personal when someone does not like/accept what I say, because when this student started saying something about his dad's job and comparing me with him I felt evil/inferior.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel inferior, because I thought, "I am not doing things well, probably he is right".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire that student to be quiet and just accept what I was saying, because in that moment things were going out of my hands.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let my ego character react with its inferiority/superiority polarity game/battle when I felt inferior and I started to reply everything he was saying without realizing I was completely possessed by my reaction and only creating friction while trying to compensate that inferiority with yelling.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see/realize and understand that if I was involved within that situation, there were some aspects in which I was not self-honest, because I didn't consider that there were some students talking in groups and I could have asked them split the groups and sit in different places, so as to avoid their interruptions while the other students were performing.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feed that experience with thoughts after the class finished, because I kept thinking "I have to make this kid understand that he got me wrong and that he made a mistake when starting comparing me with his dad".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react with anger when being compared/judged every time I am sure I am not doing something "bad" but I blame them for making me feel inferior.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame others when they say something with which I feel inferior, without seeing/understanding and realizing that I am reacting with anger, it's not them creating the anger within my myself, because if I allow myself to react, people are just pressing the buttons that I have allowed and accepted to exist within and as myself. Therefore, it's my responsibility to unplug myself from those buttons, because if they wouldn't exist, there would be no buttons to press and no anger reaction.
When and as I see myself reacting with anger when I think/believe/perceive that someone is attacking me/getting me wrong, I stop and breathe. I realize that my participation in those reactions inhibits me from investigating in self-honesty the points in which I was not being self-honest and how I ended up in those situations, immediately reacting to how my mind has been pre-programmed to react when feeling inferior; trying to compensate that inferiority with anger and words that only create friction instead of communication out of the mind system.
I commit myself to stop and breathe when someone gets me wrong/does not understand my point, because if I do not stop and breathe and bring myself back to my human physical body, I would not release all the energy, therefore I will be creating a mind battle, instead of investigating first how I ended up experiencing such situation as a consequence of previous actions lacking of self-honesty.
I commit myself to see with my physical eyes how is everything going within my lessons, because I realize that there are some events that I allow to exist because I do not act immediately in order to change. Therefore, what I get are situations as the one that happened today, in which things were out of control.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see with my physical eyes what is really going on within my lessons and how I can manage myself better so as to be here as my students are as well and act according to what I see and not what my mind "feels".
miércoles, 9 de abril de 2014
Yesterday, I was asked by a student "Teacher, let's imagine you have a daughter. What would you do if you catch her smoking?”
I heard that 2 students from that class had been caught - an hour before- with a joint (not smoking it) in the classroom, so I related what had happened previously with her current question.
It's kind of hard to provide an answer when I actually smoke weed and I do not define it as something "bad" per se. But, within the "teacher's role" we are supposed to attach to morality, values, etc. We are seen/considered almost like priests by parents and society sometimes and "we have to be an example" for their kids.
I didn't want to give the typical and polarized speech that parents do when they tell their kids that drugs and alcohol are bad and that the only thing they have to do is getting good grades in order to make them feel proud and use it as a justification that they are doing what is defined/accepted as "right" for other parents and society.
So, I really wanted her to understand/see the reality. I told her:
Smoking weed is not "bad". You are not going to be a "bad" person if you smoke it. You're not going to be a thief if you smoke it. You're not going to be less/more than others for smoking weed. But, what you have to make clear is your starting point towards smoking it. For instance, if you do it because all your friends do it and you want to be "accepted", that's not self-honesty. If you do it because you want to "run away" from your problems, that's not the solution, because you have to face yourself. If you want to do it once a week because you want to experience yourself with it and watch a movie or read something, it's up to you, but you have to be sure about the reason why you are doing it. It's not marijuana in itself which is "bad", it's all about your starting point and self-honesty.
For instance, when my parents found out I smoked cigarettes, my dad hit me and he said that he was disappointed with me. I reacted like "What the hell!", because he always smoked with mom and actually, I used to take their cigarettes, because they kept them in the kitchen. I thought "I bet they know I smoke, because I am smoking their cigarettes and they must have noticed they have less than before", but it wasn't like that.
Parents sometimes tell their kids "if I am telling you off like this it's because I care about you and I love you", but they are reacting from fear. Fear of seeing their kids doing what they, other parents and society have defined as "wrong". Therefore, you have to be able to foster an effective communication with your parents, otherwise you are going to fall into an endless fight in which your parents will react telling you something that you don't want to hear and you will react with "You don't understand. You want me to be like you. I'm different", etc., etc. - Only creating friction -.
If you notice you are having that situation with your parents, understand that they are worried and scared, but try to communicate with them, explain yourself and do not react with anger, because it's not going to solve anything. What you'll get if you fall into that Ping-Pong game is your parents telling you "You must do what I want, because you live in my house. Once you are older enough and you have your own house and family, you can do whatever you want!”
I concluded saying that if you bring marijuana to school you will compromise yourself. You can even be kicked out. And you want it or not, drugs are illegal and you can get problems with the police if they catch you carrying marijuana.
When she asked me “do you do drugs?” I answered, “I did when I was at university, because I wanted to try new stuff like marijuana and alcohol, but that made me realize my limits. There were times in which I got terrible drunk, but I learned when I have to stop, in order to avoid feeling sick and causing problems to my friends, because when you get wasted, you trust your friends to take care of you, but that’s selfish/focused on self-interest.
I didn’t mention that I still smoke weed, because she could have got me wrong and I didn’t want to compromise myself for possible comments or that she used my experience as a justification to keep doing the same (in case she does).
I pictured her fighting with their parents about marijuana and saying "my teacher told me he does marijuana and that I can do it whenever I want, because it's not bad", causing their parents coming to school and complaining at me. That's also why I "lied".
I pictured her fighting with their parents about marijuana and saying "my teacher told me he does marijuana and that I can do it whenever I want, because it's not bad", causing their parents coming to school and complaining at me. That's also why I "lied".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to activate negative reactions in the past when my family told me "You must do what I want, because you live in my house. Once you are older enough and you have your own house and family, you can do whatever you want!"
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see/realize and understand that my participation within the angry character inhibits me from finding a solution addressed by an effective communication.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe/perceive that if I constantly do something, people are aware and that it's not necessary to mention anything.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create relationships with human beings in which I let everything to be understood as every single mind interprets/interpreted it.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe/perceive that every single mind interpretation is going to be the same that I understand or how I experience myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not communicate with people effectively when having different points of view, in order to get understanding/comprehension.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see/realize and understand that when I do not communicate effectively with other human beings, I am supporting anything but myself, because I am not considering the rest as me, as I would like to be explained.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience an emotion of instability/doubt/fear when being asked for some advice.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to ask for a feedback when I finished giving the advice, so as to get the approval, because after I mentioned my experience to that student, I said "That's the answer I have. Is that okay? What do you think?” and she said, "wow, you've now got me thinking about it", meaning that I encouraged her to analyze the situation from a different perspective.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe/perceive that I am doing the "right" thing for giving some advice.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience a positively charged feeling once I got the approval.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to require the approval of others to be sure about what I do.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to exist in the necessity of having the approval, instead of being stability within myself as self-expression.
When and as I see myself not communicating effectively with human beings, meaning, I just assume they understand the same I do, I stop and breathe. I realize that when I repeat this patterns/behavior I am creating the possibility of friction once our ideas are different and we all assumed we were participating under the same (tacit) agreement.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate/create tacit agreements instead of creating a clear and direct one from an effective communication.
I commit myself to establish a clear and direct communication with other human beings in order to foster agreements in which we all work under the same principles.
I commit myself to consider others as one and equal and to create communication and clarity as I like to receive, because when someone does not communicate well with me I tend to think/believe they are hiding the truth and I immediately activate judgments.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe that when there's no clear understanding/communication it's because human beings are hiding the truth.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe that the truth is when human beings have an effective communication without misunderstandings.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge human beings that do not communicate effectively as if they were liars.
When and as I see myself judging human beings that do not communicate effectively with me and I define them as liars, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am only judging instead of being the example of an effective communication. Therefore, I am judging myself, because I have separated the system existing within me but without as others.
I commit myself to stop and breathe when I catch myself participating in judgments and defining human beings as liars because they do not communicate effectively.