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Part 2: Self-Judgment (Day 32)

I am continuing with my previous post in which I wrote about how I have designed Judgment towards other human beings and also towards myself. 

I realize that the judgment - before becoming self-judgment - was built/created as fear existing within myself, because I used to judge Christians/preachers that give speeches in the street and thinking/believing/perceiving that everybody looks at them as ridiculous beings.

So, now that I have seen myself doing something (having a little notebook with me to write some points within my process) I apply the same judgment towards myself with thoughts/backchats, like, "I don't want to look/be like them".

I designed the judgment and now that I am doing something, the fear possessed me, but I am currently able to see, understand and realize that I allow myself to participate in that demon I have created/fed. 

This point took me back in time to my childhood, because I was the kid that used to make fun of all my classmates. I called them by nicknames based on their physical traits/gestures/voices, etc. Until I realized that all those physical defects I saw on others, I had them too. 

In some aspects, I am grateful that I realized that what I see in others is only a reflection of myself. I used to see the straw in other people's eyes, and not the rafter in my own, or probably I unconsciously knew I had those defects and as I didn't want people to see them on me first, I tried to point them out in other beings, so as to protect/defend/hide myself because I feared accepting myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to see the straw in other people's eyes, and not the rafter in my own.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not accept myself with all my defects and judging others because I wanted to protect/hide myself instead.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear accepting myself with all my defects and to prefer blaming/judging others and not to see, realize and understand that in doing so, I was/am only remaining the same, making fun of others instead of making the change within myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be I the one who creates the mind traps, because I am designing the judgments and placing them in the ground as mines for the ones that are walking/moving in order to make them explode and then make fun of them, but I haven't realized that by the time I want to walk/move myself, those mines will damage myself as well.

When and as I see myself judging human beings for doing something I think/believe it's funny/ridiculous/freak/bizarre/stupid - any kind of pejorative - I stop and breathe. I realize that those judgments are only the reflection of the fear existing within and as myself and that I am trying to let go the fear making fun of it as if it was something separate from me that has nothing to do with me, without even seeing/realizing/understanding that when I see the straw in other people's eyes, I first have to see the rafter in my own, because in that way I will be taking responsibility in self-honesty and investigating how I can change something or even take what I see in others and apply it within myself, without judgment and fear.

I commit myself to stop the thoughts/backchats towards other people when they are doing something they think/believe it's "right", and instead of judging, to first look within myself in self honesty why I am reacting that way, and once I have done that, to see with my physical eyes the aspects I am judging and fearing that can work within my process even though they seemed to be ridiculous/freak/stupid/orthodox, etc., in order to learn from other human beings.


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The scenario went as it follows:
Students were presenting oral reports. Before they start, I take the time to tell the class that they have to be quiet while their classmates are performing, because I have to assess them and if there's too much noise, I can't hear very well.
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So, I asked myself “Why did that happen?” and in self-honesty I can say that I was not fully aware of what I was doing. I was watching the video, but at the same time having a chat and also concerned about a problem I had. 
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What I didn’t like was that for instance Person A was saying stuff like “He said/did this and that, fuck him”, while Person B went “Yes, that’s too bad,he is wrong, I understand what you are going through. Fuck him”, without even knowing me in person, without even talking to me once at least. So, I went within myself “This person thinks they know me? Plus, Person A’s arguments were an interpretation of the events, so Person B was basically reacting to Person A’s reaction. That’s why I say it was not supportive, but reactive.
Why did I judge Person B as ‘Mr. Nice’? …