lunes, 7 de abril de 2014

Reacting to voices (Day 27)

I am exposed to lots of voices everyday due to my job. The school has over 1 thousand students and I meet over 200 students a day. 

When I am at school working, I get to hear all the voices as one. It's too much that I am used to it, unless there's a little kid next to me screaming/crying. 

When I am home and having lunch/dinner with my family I sometimes get very irritated, because the TV is always on, my dad is carrying the dishes, my sister is complaining about something and my other sister is trying to have a conversation with my mom. And I am just there, trying to focus on something and eat at the same time that I prefer to stand up and go to my room. 

Yesterday night I talked to my family about this and I have done it before. They say that happens to me because I am constantly exposed to kids/people screaming/speaking really loud and when I get home the only thing I want is silence. 

I was observing myself within this reaction. It started to happen when I was exposed to more than 4 stimuli. For instance; the TV, my sister speaking, the dishes crashing, my mom speaking, etc.

But, instead of getting to understand anything, I got completely saturated/possessed by my reaction that I had to leave. I was not able to remain here and I took the easy way out. I counted the different stimuli as if they more and more reasons to leave, rather than understanding them and do something about it.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react with the desire to leave every time I listen to too much noise in my house. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not bring myself back to the physical when I noticed I was reacting, and instead of that, I ran away.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become one and equal with my reaction within my mind, instead of seeing the reaction as something separate from me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not provide any solution to my current existence in the presence of others when being affected by too much noise. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react with hate towards my sister's voice, defining it as too high pitched.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge my sister due to her voice and thinking "how is it possible for her to communicate with people having that irritating voice?”

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge human beings based on the way they speak. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see/realize and understand that in remaining within the reaction of discomfort I am not considering other beings as one and equal, because I am giving more value to how they make me feel, based on the way they express themselves.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to get blind after the activation of my reaction due to too many voices in the presence of others, because the only thing I wanted was to run away.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to remain in a reaction/emotion and physically moving directed by fear/irritation/anger when I stood up and ran away. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react this way only with my family because I know they will accept it and won't say anything against me in trying to tell me I am doing something "wrong", but what happens if this happens within the work field? I can't run. I have to accept it and be effective with my duties. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to see my family as a "support" for doing anything I want based on reactions. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to abuse myself when running away instead of making peace with those situations.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react with anger in the presence of people I know they will accept it. Therefore, I am just manipulating my reactions in order to create another reaction (friction), instead of understanding and solutions that are best for all.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to only see what is best for me within the family scenario and I was not considering that we often talk about interesting topics. It would have been okay if I was participating/supporting verbal diarrhea within our "conversation", but this was not the case. I was not able to turn the situation into something from which we can all learn and/or to foster a supportive talking. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see/understand the supportive topics my family and I can talk about. Instead of that, I focused on the way everything sounded and how I felt bothered. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to give more value to the way voices sounds instead of the message behind it and how I can contribute with a solution which is best for all.

When and as I see myself reacting with anger/irritation towards the sound of too many voices and desiring/wanting to leave, I stop and breathe. I realize that my participation in the reaction/emotion/thoughts inhibit me from being an unconditional support towards the people I am interacting with, because I am only judging them and focusing on the mind systems existing within and as myself, instead of the message or how I can contribute/enhance our communication.

I commit myself to not leave when I start reacting with anger when being in the presence of too much voices.

I commit myself to contribute with solutions in order to foster a better communication with the beings I interact with.

I commit myself to deconstruct through self-writing and self-honesty the patterns that are repeated/manifested when I am in the presence of too much voices/stimuli.


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