On one of my previous posts I committed myself to have/carry a little notebook with me so as to write down the points I have to work within myself, because I tend to trust my mind as a reminder but I end up forgetting and putting off.
I bought the little notebook and I have it always with me and one of the first points I wrote was self-judgment. So, that's what I will write about today.
I noticed that after writing on my notebook I thought "I must look like a Christian/preacher when they have their little bibles with them. Do I really look like that? I don't want my friends to think that I have become an orthodox". After writing I gave a look at my friends in case they were looking at me, in order to get some interpretation about what they might be thinking about me and I realized that no one was even paying attention to what I was doing, so I thought "Cool, no one saw me, they don't care, it's not a big deal".
The next day I went to a party and I met a girl who studies psychology at college and we were talking about the mind, thoughts, reactions, etc. and when I finished giving my perspective, she said "that's psychoanalysis". I said, "No, it probably sounds similar, but it's not psychology".
Then she said, "You know what, I think all those theories sound great but "utopian", they are impossible to take into something real". That's when I talked about my own process/experience within Desteni and how I was able to change some patterns that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself. I concluded saying, "Look, I am writing on this notebook some points that I have/want to work in order to change myself. It's possible to make it real".
She replied, "Wow, I had never met a person that defended the psychoanalysis the way you do. This helps me understand some aspects within my own learning process and also to avoid judgments".
Then, I went home and while I was walking I started judging myself again, thinking, "Probably she thinks I am crazy for all I mentioned and she only said that to be polite/nice. I would like to know if she made any bad comment about me to their friends at the party. They might be laughing at me for being a freak guy".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge myself for writing on my notebook the points I have/want to change within and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate in polarity when thinking "am I doing right or wrong?", because I was interested in seeing any reaction/look on others to define myself based on how I could interpret their reactions towards myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not be self-honest within my process of writing, because I committed myself to do something physical, I did not commit myself with others, however I was expecting them to say something "bad" about me while seeing me writing on my notebook, because "if I am able to be the first at judging myself, other people might do it as well".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to give value to what other human beings may think of me, because I am accepting and allowing separation to exist within and as myself. In this, I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself as a person that requires other people's approval to be sure about what I am doing, instead of being me the one who is sure and consistent about the commitments I have with myself".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create the self-judgment and feed it with thoughts and mind scenarios/imagination, feeling inferior for doing something like Christians/religious people do.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to compare myself with something I have judged, because when I see Christians preaching in the streets or carrying their bibles with them I think "those people are crazy/bizarre/freak", therefore, the self-judgment when writing on my notebook comes from comparison and the thought "I don't want to be seen as one of them".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be directed by comparison/inferiority/self-judgment/resistance instead of realizing that I am fearing change and finding excuses to remain the same.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create mental scenarios in which I see everybody laughing/making fun at me for the things I do within the process I am walking.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be worried about how I want people to see me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to exist within/as fear, that's why I tried to look for other people's opinion about what I was doing, in order to get the approval or disapproval and then create/construct/define my own opinion about myself based on what I think/believe/perceive the rest thinks about me for writing on a notebook.
To be continued...