The other day I remembered the way I was/behaved with my girlfriends and I realized a pattern that always repeats during the first months of relationship. This pattern manifests as questions/doubts about my girlfriends' past experiences in relation to sex/ex-boyfriends.
There is a moment in which all that I have created within my mind towards my relationships - as positive - requires a justification to continue existing as such.
This repeated pattern/character is called ego/jealousy that manifests through a process of comparison that when I am not able to "win", ego hurts and therefore assimilates/define my interaction as poor or less than. (With Gfs’ Ex-Boyfriends)
Once that I have defined I "lost the battle", I continue creating friction and blaming girlfriends for feeling "inferior" during the rest of the relationship.
Now that I have been single for almost two years, I realize that if I am not able to forgive myself from all those patterns/characters, relationships are always going to be the same, because I have realized that all my relationships have finished due to a similar reason; I get bored, I end up disliking my girlfriends' smells, kisses, and I don't even feel like having sex - all that I had defined as "positive" turned into "negative"-.
I can say that in the past, I defined myself based on what I perceived I caused on my girlfriends. I wanted them to make me feel "special", making "them" feel special first. But actually I wanted to feel "more" than their ex-boyfriends, so if I was able to be the "first" at some point within Gfs’ lives, that would add more points to me, I would feel "good" and I would be "winning" the comparison battle, and therefore, feeling "special" and legitimizing my existence within the relationship.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire to be in a relationship even though I know I have to fix/clean/forgive myself, because I realize that there are still manifested patterns existing towards my definition of relationships and that are a separated self-definition = dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself based on what I think/believe/perceive I am creating on my partners, for instance, If I a think/believe/perceive I am creating something "unique", that would be my self-definition = I am unique. If I notice/believe I am creating/causing something that my partner already tried in her life (not necessarily sexual) I would define myself as "not original"/"not special".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to depend/trust on my perception/thoughts to define myself, instead of being me re-defining myself, taking responsibility as one.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe/think that a partner is responsible for what/how I "feel". That's why it is easy to blame and leave because once I haven't found an "acceptable" justification/definition of self within the relationship, I have to go for a new one in which I accept myself based on what I perceive I am creating/causing on a new partner/girlfriend.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to design how a partner must react to what I do, because if I see/perceive my recipe/definition of a relationship is working = the relationship is working = I am defining myself as I have established a partner must make me feel, contributing to my pre-programmed self-definition, therefore, they are doing a good job, because what I do on them is making me feel as I expect and/or define as acceptable/unique/special.
When and as I see myself defining myself based on what I think/believe/interpret I am causing/creating on my partners, I stop and breathe. I realize that in doing so, I am not taking self-responsibility, because I am just blaming and expecting other beings to show/tell me how I must feel and I only become an experiment of self as the mind when trying and being obsessed with winning/being more than others instead of becoming self-expression in every moment and every breathe. I realize that I place the self-judgment on others so I can blame them for "making me feel less than others" and not to take self-responsibility and see/realize/understand that it's only me playing with my mind instead of using my physical eyes to see reality out of polarity and act in Common Sense.
I commit myself to stop defining myself based on what I think/believe/perceive that I am causing on other beings/partners/girlfriends.
I commit myself to stop questioning/interrogating my partners/girlfriends in order to know if they tried something better than what I did = comparison.
I commit myself to stop the obsession to ask my partners/girlfriends about their past sexual experiences, because in doing so, I am only starting a process of self-definition based on how I feel towards what they are saying and also how I picture the situations while experiencing energetic charges through perception within and as the mind.