jueves, 8 de mayo de 2014

Ok, I get it. Shut up! (Day 35)

Last night I was in a situation with my band, in which we started sharing perspectives about how to communicate effectively in order to avoid getting angry and/or reacting, because we have realized that we are kind of stuck within our music project. It is hard for us to move and support each other's ideas.

We are frustrated because we do not feel/consider the band as we used to do and we would like to change that.


Most of our conversations happen through Facebook and that leads us to interpret/read the written words based on reactions due to the accumulated frustration/thoughts/energy.

It's not yet an agreement, but when we realize we are participating in reactions, we do not longer reply, so the one that is cyber-expressing himself feels not being considered I guess. But we all know how things may end up, so we "ignore" each other when we have started arguing.

Lately, If I notice I am reading the messages under a polarity reaction - such as anger -, I type "let's talk about this in person. I don't wanna end up in misunderstandings, so I am not going to keep having this (online) conversation". 

The reason why I have decided to talk about these issues in person is because it is easy to read something based on how we "feel" in that moment, especially when we are talking about a problem/situation.

To me it is easy to end up participating in mind reactions, because when someone is talking to me (in person) and mentioning the things I have done wrong, I start asking myself "is he reacting? What's his starting point?” I stop and breathe and try to listen to them, but I cannot get rid of that uncomfortable emotion inside myself.



For instance, last night we were practicing vocals and a member of my band suggested me to do it in a different way. He seemed relaxed and clear with his ideas, but as I was listening to him, I took it personal and I wouldn't stop making little noises with my guitar (not playing it because I was paying attention to him) and I realized that the only thing I wanted was he to stop, although I didn't verbally react, because I didn't want to create friction.

I have realized that when someone suggests me to do something and I take it personal I tend to react "feeling" uncomfortable, so I go into the necessity of having/moving something with/in my hands or look/act like "it does not affect me". It's like I am looking at you, trying to pay attention to what you are saying, but simultaneously reacting inside my mind and thinking, "I don't wanna look weak. What should I do? Because if the other being notices I am uncomfortable, they could think I am stupid/inferior". 

Another point is that sometimes I do not know what to say, so I just listen to the being and I judge myself for thinking/believing/perceiving that I am looking too passive/weak/inferior/worthless. Like when you tell off a kid and he/she just accepts and obeys. 

I finally do what I have been suggested, because I realize those are points in which I can be more effective. But when they are talking to me in real time, my reactions within/from my mind (such as having something in my hands due to the uncomfortable emotion) are expressing "ok, ok, I get it. Shut up!" without verbalizing it, but physically manifesting.

So, I know this is a point I have to fix within myself in order to contribute to any kind of relationship beyond my friends/band, but at a family/job level, because if I accept and allow these systems/reactions/thoughts/backchats/feelings/emotions to direct my existence, they will manifest towards any field wherein I interact with others, inhibiting me from expanding myself towards something that is best for all.

To be continued...

viernes, 2 de mayo de 2014

Creating a Different Relationship with/towards Songs/Music (Day 34)

Here I will deconstruct the relationship with music/songs that I have built throughout my whole life. This includes listening to music, playing it with my band and how I go mind-directed when being exposed to melodies and then, I suddenly end up living/existing/participating in mind movies/scenarios/imagination/thoughts instead of being HERE.

Imagination/thoughts while listening to music:

Playing songs/music with my band in a concert/gig in front of certain people. 

Getting/creating an emotional reaction from the audience towards myself.

Consequences:

Not being One and Equal in self-expression from/within the physical as who I really am now, in real time.

Separation for the attachment to a self-definition coming from others to oneself.

Self-Forgiveness/De-construction Process:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself playing with my band while listening to songs/music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to get an emotional reaction on people - while imagining I am playing with my band when listening to songs/music- and then turn it into a positive feeling towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that imagination occurs when I am allowing and accepting myself to become the mind and that my participation in mind scenarios/pictures/movies/imagination/thoughts charge/re-charge and provide life/existence to a positive feeling in which I remain for the pleasure experienced within dishonesty along with the positive/acceptable legitimization of self.

When and as I see myself giving life to positive feelings that come from imagination/mind scenarios, in which I am creating/causing an emotional reaction on people while playing and listening to songs that will - at the same time - activate a positive feeling on me and (ab)using it to create/build/construct/establish my self-definition, I stop and breathe. 

I realize that when I define myself based on what I think/believe/perceive others are feeling towards myself, I am only accepting and allowing myself to be as the mind; limited, pre-programmed, with no self-awareness, and not realizing/understanding that what is real is NOW and HERE, in every moment and every breath, as what it makes me One and Equal to every single human being on earth, which is the physical as self-expression in self-honesty and self-trust. 

Therefore,

I commit myself to stop and breathe when realizing I am participating/charging/re-charging/giving life to any thought/feeling/emotion while playing and/or listening to songs/music, in order to stop my participation within the mind and bring myself back HERE to express/experience myself as/from the physical, because that is what it makes me One and Equal with this existence. Not the pre-programmed and limited mind system and its thoughts/feelings/emotions that divert my attention from physical REALity.