Ok, I get it. Shut up! (Day 35)

Last night I was in a situation with my band, in which we started sharing perspectives about how to communicate effectively in order to avoid getting angry and/or reacting, because we have realized that we are kind of stuck within our music project. It is hard for us to move and support each other's ideas.

We are frustrated because we do not feel/consider the band as we used to do and we would like to change that.

Most of our conversations happen through Facebook and that leads us to interpret/read the written words based on reactions due to the accumulated frustration/thoughts/energy.

It's not yet an agreement, but when we realize we are participating in reactions, we do not longer reply, so the one that is cyber-expressing himself feels not being considered I guess. But we all know how things may end up, so we "ignore" each other when we have started arguing.

Lately, If I notice I am reading the messages under a polarity reaction - such as anger -, I type "let's talk about this in person. I don't wanna end up in misunderstandings, so I am not going to keep having this (online) conversation". 

The reason why I have decided to talk about these issues in person is because it is easy to read something based on how we "feel" in that moment, especially when we are talking about a problem/situation.

To me it is easy to end up participating in mind reactions, because when someone is talking to me (in person) and mentioning the things I have done wrong, I start asking myself "is he reacting? What's his starting point?” I stop and breathe and try to listen to them, but I cannot get rid of that uncomfortable emotion inside myself.

For instance, last night we were practicing vocals and a member of my band suggested me to do it in a different way. He seemed relaxed and clear with his ideas, but as I was listening to him, I took it personal and I wouldn't stop making little noises with my guitar (not playing it because I was paying attention to him) and I realized that the only thing I wanted was he to stop, although I didn't verbally react, because I didn't want to create friction.

I have realized that when someone suggests me to do something and I take it personal I tend to react "feeling" uncomfortable, so I go into the necessity of having/moving something with/in my hands or look/act like "it does not affect me". It's like I am looking at you, trying to pay attention to what you are saying, but simultaneously reacting inside my mind and thinking, "I don't wanna look weak. What should I do? Because if the other being notices I am uncomfortable, they could think I am stupid/inferior". 

Another point is that sometimes I do not know what to say, so I just listen to the being and I judge myself for thinking/believing/perceiving that I am looking too passive/weak/inferior/worthless. Like when you tell off a kid and he/she just accepts and obeys. 

I finally do what I have been suggested, because I realize those are points in which I can be more effective. But when they are talking to me in real time, my reactions within/from my mind (such as having something in my hands due to the uncomfortable emotion) are expressing "ok, ok, I get it. Shut up!" without verbalizing it, but physically manifesting.

So, I know this is a point I have to fix within myself in order to contribute to any kind of relationship beyond my friends/band, but at a family/job level, because if I accept and allow these systems/reactions/thoughts/backchats/feelings/emotions to direct my existence, they will manifest towards any field wherein I interact with others, inhibiting me from expanding myself towards something that is best for all.

To be continued...