lunes, 16 de junio de 2014

I See Myself in You (Day 39)

I remember mom telling me that my youngest sister and I are very alike (Personality traits). Mom even mentioned that she experienced the same symptoms during both pregnancies She said that we even moved very similar when we were inside the womb. 

Before my youngest sister was born, I interacted a lot with my other younger sister. We were very close, we played together everyday and I cared a lot about her. I always protected her. 

But when my youngest sister was born, my relationship with my younger sister was not the same, because they both started interacting more. I never felt rejected or anything like that, because I always had my own friends and it was all fine. 

The point is that there was a phase in which I started behaving "bad", for instance when mom asked me something I reacted negatively, with an aggressive/disrespectful attitude and I noticed that my youngest sister learned that from me.

I don't have a "bad" relationship with my youngest sister but we always fight, we always have different opinions.

My dad says that all the "bad aspects" I see on her, are the same she sees on me. So, I have noticed that as we are very similar in our attitude, we tend to complain about each other.

Yesterday, we had a little argument because she was correcting mom about how to pronounce a specific word. I asked "Why is that? What's important is what a being wants to express; it does not matter if she/he makes mistakes when saying something". And my youngest sister said, "The language was made to be spoken correctly. What you are saying is out of context. You tend to analyze things too deep". I said, "It's not out of context, it's about the same phenomenon/situation you are referring to".

I remember correcting mom as well in the past, so now that I am seeing things differently, it is easy for me to see myself as I used to be in my youngest sister. 

At first I thought this was something uncomfortable. I have even said/thought "I wish she wouldn't exist", "When she was born, everything changed". But now I know that all the "bad things" I am seeing on her are a gift, an opportunity to change and correct myself. Because instead of trying to make my sister realize that she is "wrong", I prefer to take the systems existing within her-self, place them within my-self and release them. But sometimes I feel like saying "Come on! Wake up. You are living in a bubble" and there are things that I do not agree with and I don't want her to think she is "right", that's why I ask questions when she says something that I define as "wrong", but I notice she reacts angrily, just the way I do/did, and then I go "But it's not necessary to get angry" and that creates more and more friction between us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire my youngest wouldn't exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder within my mind "how would everything be without her existing?".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry when I notice my youngest sister is "wrong".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry when noticing that my sister treats mom the same way I used to in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to correct my sister with words instead of actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only create friction when trying to make my youngest sister realize she is not doing "right".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that the systems existing within my youngest sister are the same that exist/existed within myself and that are so easy to blame/hate instead of placing them within myself and release them. In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect my sister to change, because I think/believe that I have changed and that she has to do the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not teach my beings with the example, because in actions I still do probably the same; I sometimes catch myself reacting angrily with my mom, specially when she tries to help me and I feel collapsed/useless, desiring to say "shut up! Leave me alone. I can do this on own. Get out!”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that when my mom tries to help me I react because I notice how much I still have to learn  and as she expresses herself in a very loving way, the opposite outcrops within myself towards her, taking advantage of an "inferior" being. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself with the belief that I am abusing another being when noticing he/she is very kind.

When and as I see myself desiring to change my youngest sister because I notice she is participating within the same systems I have identified within myself, I stop and breathe. I realize that the only way those systems are going to disappear is placing them within myself and release them with self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I notice my sister is doing the same things I used to, in order to avoid any reaction that might create friction instead of a solution for all. 

I commit myself to place the systems existing within my youngest sister and place them within myself and write down self-forgiveness in order to release them.

When and as I see myself reacting angrily towards my mom when she suggests me something or when she wants to help me and I feel useless or that I still have a lot to learn, I stop and breathe. I realize that when someone approaches me and wants to help me I have to see how I can be more efficient/effective instead of participating within my mind with pre-programmed reactions of polarity. 

I commit myself to stop and breathe when my mom is trying to help me, in order to make sure I am HERE in life, and not OUT THERE in the mind.

I commit myself to listen to my mom when she suggests me something, because after I have reacted angrily, I realize "She was totally right. I shouldn't have reacted like that", feeling bad/guilty/regret for what I did.


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