martes, 22 de julio de 2014

Why Don't You Reply to Me on Facebook! (Day 42)


I was chatting with a person on Facebook earlier. Then I went out and when I came back and turned my laptop on again, this person said: I don't like when my messages are left as "seen".

I didn't understand at first, so I asked "why are you saying that?" and this person said: Because I had typed something and you left it as "Seen".

Then, the previous part of the conversation appeared and I realized that there was a moment in which I went downstairs and my laptop had lost the internet connection, so when this person typed, the message didn't appear/show up with a Red Sign as a "Notification" to look at it and reply.

Now - I have heard among my students at school that to be left as "Seen" in a Facebook "conversation" is something "humiliating" and therefore, you MUST feel bad/ignored/rejected.

These kinds of situations feed and fuck up more the (fucked up) mind, because you are just paying attention to the reaction due to the only point you are considering, which is a pre-programmed and mainstream way of defining a "seen message" under a negative energetic charge as impotence/frustration, without considering that the person you were chatting with might be doing many other things without even having the intention to ignore you or make you feel bad.

It's interesting to see how kids/teenagers pre-program/condition themselves about how they must "feel" within simple scenarios wherein someone could not reply, because they think/believe/perceive that they were apparently"ignored" and not taken in consideration = nobody loves me/nobody cares about me/I am not special/nobody accepts me/I am boring. Especially when they are chatting with a person that they like/feel attracted to.

I realize that we, human beings are conditioned/pre-programmed about how we must feel/(re) act/think, for instance if/when your girlfriend cheats on you, you think/believe that you are "inferior", because your girlfriend preferred another person instead of you, therefore it is "normal" to feel worthless/useless and then react negatively towards your (ex) girlfriend and her new boyfriend that she preferred rather than you, because we have seen this being done by other people and even in movies/soap operas.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to emotionally react with thoughts/backchats/mind scenarios when someone has seen my messages on Facebook and hasn't replied or he/she is taking too long.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to picture within my mind that the person that is not replying my "seen messages" defines me as someone worthless/useless/boring.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe/perceive that when someone does not reply to my "seen messages" on Facebook that means that I am worthless/useless/boring.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see/realize and understand that there are many possibilities and probabilities about why the person I am chatting with is not replying/answering and instead of considering that, I rather focus only on my emotional reactions as if what I think/believe/perceive within my mind is the absolute/only truth of the events.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to trust my thoughts/backchats when thinking/believing/perceiving that the person I am chatting with on Facebook does not want to talk to me because he/she supposedly defines me as useless/worthless/boring.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to take it personal  - due to my thoughts/backchats/feelings/emotions - when a person I am chatting with does not answer/reply.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to remain within my mind as thoughts/backchats/mind scenarios/emotions even when the person then/finally replies.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to pre-program/condition myself about how I must feel in certain situations/events based on how other people feel/have felt within similar situations/events, only repeating the pattern/system and thinking/believing/perceiving that it's absolutely "normal"/"right".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to adapt/shape myself according to how I must feel within specific situations/events due to what I have observed in movies/soap operas during my whole life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define what it's seen in movies/soap operas as the truth.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define what is told by other human beings  - when they experience/have experienced a similar situation/event - as "right"/"normal".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to (ab) use the verbal expression "if everybody does/feels it that way, it's because it's correct/right/normal" just accepting the pre-programmed reactions/behavior/patterns/characters without investigating them in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hide behind the expression "if everybody does/feels it that way, it's because it's correct/right/normal".

When and as I see myself emotionally reacting to a "seen message" on Facebook Chat, I stop and breathe. I realize that there might be many reasons why the person I am chatting with has not replied/answered yet and that I am only focusing on how I feel, immediately reacting with a pre-programmed/conditioned/polarized pattern/behavior/persona.

I commit myself to stop the emotional reactions when facing a "seen message" on Facebook, because the only thing that I am doing is feeding my mind system and supporting the fucked up system/existence that exists/has existed in humanity for thousands of years.

I commit myself to stop and breathe if/when I catch myself negatively/emotionally reacting towards a "seen message" on Facebook in order to stop my participation within my mind system as thoughts/backchats, feelings, emotions and mind scenarios.


domingo, 20 de julio de 2014

Would You Like to (Not) Have a Seat? (Day 41)

A few days ago I was on a bus going home after buying some stuff. Suddenly the bus got full of passengers; most of them adults over 50 years old roughly. 

The buses have about 30 seats, so the ones that got on later had to be standing up.

I usually give my seat, but this time I was tired after a long day of work carrying my laptop in my backpack and the stuff I had bought which were not many but made me have my hands busy. 

Suddenly a guy who was standing up next to my seat said to a woman "if I were sitting, I would give you my seat".

That's when I took it personal and a backchat/thought popped up within my mind in which I responded to this guy "if you knew me, you would realize why I am not giving my seat to the woman you are talking to". 

I also thought "it's easy to say that you would do something if you were in a specific situation", judging that guy, because he was not doing anything, just saying words trying to show his "good intentions" to make a woman feel like "oh, yeah…fucking young people, they do not have manners to be able to consider giving their seats to old people/women".

I was pretty sure about not giving my seat this time because as I mentioned before, I was tired and with my hands full. 

Then, an old man got on the bus. I started looking his face/expressions and it reminded me my dad. I started seeing on him the traits my dad has, for instance: a hard-working person that never seems to be tired and even though he might need help from others, he finds the way out and does everything on his own.

Another backchat/thought popped up in that moment: "if that were my dad (who looked tired and dirty) I would like young people to give him a seat because he deserves it.

I started reacting with a blended feeling/emotion of compassion/pity/sympathy/mercy. I stopped and breathed and finally did nothing because I didn't want to be directed by an energetic charge in which I was going to do something "positive" because I started feeling "bad" for that person. But, within myself the intention of giving my seat to him existed.

So, the question I ask myself is "Why do my intentions change depending on the energetic charge I am directing towards a specific being?” Because I didn't give a shit about the woman standing up next to me that probably was tired and wanted to sit her ass down. I didn't "feel" anything towards her.

Now, if I place this point in another field in which I participate, I realize that sometimes at school when I have to assess my students, I tend to be more "generous" with some people with whom I experience an energetic charge. 

This could be seen as something "normal", because you do the "positive" to the people you feel "positive" with, right?

I realize that this world is full of that attitude/behavior and the only thing that causes is Inequality, because in those situations a (pre-programmed) "free choice" emerges and one has to decide.

As the "positive" is related to "feelings", one will decide to help the closest beings, because one has feelings towards them, because they make us feel positive as well, but, what happens with the rest? You simply do not care?

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to take comments/opinions personal. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react with back chats/thoughts full of negativity and judgment when feeling attacked by the comments/opinions of the beings around me. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge what a being is saying with the backchat/thought "It's easy to say that you would do something if you were in a specific situation".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to go into a mind scenario in which I pictured myself reacting towards this guy and I said "if you knew me, you would realize why I am not giving my seat to the woman you are talking to". 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe that both the guy and the woman shared a comment that said, "oh, yeah…fucking young people, they do not have manners to be able to consider giving their seats to old people/women".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to consider giving my seat to a person that reminded me someone to whom I feel an energetic attachment.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not give what I can do to everyone equally, because I am depending on feelings to move/direct myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be directed by the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions instead of applying common sense.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be more "generous" with the beings that I share a "positive" attachment.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to support the system as it has existed so far as Inequality for trusting the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions to move/direct myself.

When and as I see myself in a situation in which I have to make a choice, I stop and breathe and bring myself back HERE to the physical and make sure that I am stable, in order to be able to see reality and do what is best for all without being directed/controlled by my thoughts, feelings and emotions. 

Now, I realize that I also experienced some "Guilt", because I always give my seat, especially to old people and as my physical body was tired and my hands full in that moment, I took what the guy said personal, instead of seeing that there were many other people that could be willing to give their seats. Not ignoring the situation, but not allowing myself to feel "guilty".

If I were those people and I was going to take a bus and I want a seat, I would take a look inside the bus and see if it's full or not. And if so, I would catch another bus. Simple. But I realize that not everyone acts the same way I do. So, within this situation I allowed and accepted myself to feel "attacked" and completely possessed by my thoughts/backchats, feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience "Guilt" after deciding I didn't want to give my seat because I was tired with my hands full, because I compared that situation with the previous/past ones in which I always gave my seat.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to compare my past/present experiences and after that end up reacting with a polarized manifestation (anger). 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel "attacked" when listening to this guy standing next to me saying comments/opinions that I took personal.

I commit myself to stop and breathe before making a choice, in order to make sure I am HERE without participating THERE within my mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions that will only create Inequality among human beings as the current system does/has done. 

I commit myself to give Equally what I can do/give, without being based on "feelings" but, in Life as All, as One.


sábado, 19 de julio de 2014

Dating a Drunk Girl? (Day 40)

I am going to explore a point that has just opened up in relation to "Reactions" towards a girl that I am dating.

We have met three times, so we are not really close yet. I have tried not to have any expectations and be aware of how my behavior works when interacting with her instead.

I try not to be directed by my thoughts, feelings and emotions and just be me instead, without being concerned about fitting in any persona/character that is supposed to be "accepted" or "right" according to dates.

I know that I am responsible for me as One, therefore I do not get worried when I notice there are short periods of silence while I'm enjoying my self-expression in the presence of others. In the past, probably I would have felt the "necessity" to keep the conversation going and if I wasn't able to do that, I would interpret it as "I am boring", "I am not an interesting person", basically judging myself for not having the ability to keep a girl entertained/having fun.

Now this is different, because I am walking the process of realizing that I am alone in this world and that it is MY responsibility to stand as One, therefore if I am not able to accept my own presence while being with others in a conversation or alone in silence, I am not accepting my self-expression/myself.

Ok, the point is that it is very typical to ask questions when meeting a new person, right? So, I remember talking about alcohol with this new girl and she mentioned that she does not drink a lot and that she easily gets drunk with a couple of drinks.

Lately, we have been talking through chat because she lives outside the city and she has mentioned/typed many times "I am drunk right now". I have counted more than 3 times during this week, and my Reaction/Thought/Backchat was "she said she didn't drink that much" and then, within myself, the Desire of saying "stop doing that shit" popped up, but I "pretended" it was "all good" and said/typed nothing.

The other day we were making fun at each other and I called her "fat" and she reacted very badly. She got angry and then she mentioned that she has always had weight problems and that it wasn't funny for her to be called as such - She felt attacked I guess. 

So, even though I thought I was not feeding any expectations on her, my reaction towards the fact that she gets drunk almost every night and that she has not accepted her physical traits is something that does not align with my "no expectations" apparently. I mean, even though I had no expectations and I thought that it was all fine because I would be just "accepting" the other being as the present moment, my reaction when being told about all these "problems" was "negative". Therefore, I unconsciously did create expectations and designed a picture of her after she said "I don't drink a lot" during our first date.

Another point that opened up is that I have some friends that are really good at drinking, but I do not care that much. So, the question I ask myself is "why do I make the difference between my closest friends that get drunk and a girl that also gets drunk but that I am just meeting?", because if I were concerned about supporting someone involved in alcohol... those should be my "friends", right? I should not give a shit about a being that behaves like a system drinking and drinking everyday and that I am just meeting. But I am not being equal to any of them.

Probably I do not care about my drunk friends because I don't want/need them to be according to my expectations = There are no actual expectations on them related to alcohol and their behavior. And with regards to this new girl, I unconsciously want her to be as I don't want her to be = expectations under the idea/belief of no expectations.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react negatively within myself when being told for over the third time "I am drunk" by a girl I am dating.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react negatively with the backchat/thought "she said she didn't drink that much".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire to tell her "stop doing that shit" when she mentioned/typed she was drunk/wasted again.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to require the mind to remind myself "do not create expectations, do not create expectations" as fear of fucking things up.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear having expectations about beings, therefore, I am fearing my interaction with my mind instead of exploring it in self-honesty and establish who I am in relation to the expectations I design towards other beings. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire to control other beings' lives/actions when they do not align to mine without realizing that it's them the ones that have to take responsibility for themselves. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe that other beings are part of my responsibility when they are not actually taking responsibility for themselves.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make a difference between my friends and a girl I am dating. Therefore I am unconsciously making a choice, because if I would have established how to assist beings that get drunk as a principle I should do it equally for all, but I am just directing my desires of control towards the beings I want to control, that I want them to be as I don't want them to be = a possible new "girlfriend" lol.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to picture this new girl being abused by other beings while being drunk.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react with fear when picturing this girl being sexually abused by other beings within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to (ab) use the word "worried"/ "I care" defining/perceiving it as something "positive", because "it's positive to care about other beings", when I am actually experiencing the opposite; Fear.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to give birth to positive attitudes/behaviors from negative thoughts/perceptions.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate in polarity equations when thinking/believing that in being worried about someone is something positive that makes me a "good person" when actually I am full of Fear (Negativity).

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define as a "good person" a being that is worried about others, without realizing and understanding that in doing so, all the "positive desires" to help/make someone change are directed by Fear as Love. In this I forgive myself that I have not allowed and accepted myself to see/realize/understand that "Love" that comes from "Fear" is not Real Love.

When and as I see myself reacting negatively towards a being doing something that they said they didn't do, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am believing/trusting words as a fact, instead of paying attention to actions. I realize that in believing the words a being is saying, I am just creating/designing a picture/image within my mind = expectations. And when they do not align to their words, I react with negative emotions/thoughts/backchats/judgments, immediately activating the "worried character" under the belief that I am doing "right", when actually, I am accepting and allowing myself to be directed by Fear for facing a situation/event that I didn't expect (based on the being's words and the energetic attachment I created within the designed belief/picture/image). 

I commit myself to stop the expectations under the belief that "I don't have any expectations". In this, I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to suppress the negativity with positivity (and vice-versa) = mind fuck.

When and as I see myself suppressing my Fears with a "positive" belief (and vice-versa), I stop and breathe. I realize that my actions do not align with my words and that's why I react angrily towards myself and then I want control, because if I really see, I always say "I have no expectations", but my actions say the opposite. It's the same that happened with this new girl I am dating; she said "I don't drink a lot" and then she tells me almost every night "I am drunk". Therefore, I am seeing myself when judging this being = I am angry/worried towards myself and as it is easy to identify the rafter in other people's eyes, I directed the guilt into her when actually the guilt was created within myself = it is MY responsibility.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when realizing I am participating in negative emotions and instead of remaining within the desire of making them change because they do not align to what they told me before, I commit myself to first explore/investigate myself in self-honesty in order to know what my reactions are showing me.

There is the belief that the reactions should be directed to the other beings when defining them as "liars" for not doing what they said, and one goes into the victim role/character/persona instead of realizing that the reaction works as warning that says "hey, stop and breathe. Look at yourself first".