I am going to explore a point that has just opened up in relation to "Reactions" towards a girl that I am dating.
We have met three times, so we are not really close yet. I have tried not to have any expectations and be aware of how my behavior works when interacting with her instead.
I try not to be directed by my thoughts, feelings and emotions and just be me instead, without being concerned about fitting in any persona/character that is supposed to be "accepted" or "right" according to dates.
I know that I am responsible for me as One, therefore I do not get worried when I notice there are short periods of silence while I'm enjoying my self-expression in the presence of others. In the past, probably I would have felt the "necessity" to keep the conversation going and if I wasn't able to do that, I would interpret it as "I am boring", "I am not an interesting person", basically judging myself for not having the ability to keep a girl entertained/having fun.
Now this is different, because I am walking the process of realizing that I am alone in this world and that it is MY responsibility to stand as One, therefore if I am not able to accept my own presence while being with others in a conversation or alone in silence, I am not accepting my self-expression/myself.
Ok, the point is that it is very typical to ask questions when meeting a new person, right? So, I remember talking about alcohol with this new girl and she mentioned that she does not drink a lot and that she easily gets drunk with a couple of drinks.
Lately, we have been talking through chat because she lives outside the city and she has mentioned/typed many times "I am drunk right now". I have counted more than 3 times during this week, and my Reaction/Thought/Backchat was "she said she didn't drink that much" and then, within myself, the Desire of saying "stop doing that shit" popped up, but I "pretended" it was "all good" and said/typed nothing.
The other day we were making fun at each other and I called her "fat" and she reacted very badly. She got angry and then she mentioned that she has always had weight problems and that it wasn't funny for her to be called as such - She felt attacked I guess.
So, even though I thought I was not feeding any expectations on her, my reaction towards the fact that she gets drunk almost every night and that she has not accepted her physical traits is something that does not align with my "no expectations" apparently. I mean, even though I had no expectations and I thought that it was all fine because I would be just "accepting" the other being as the present moment, my reaction when being told about all these "problems" was "negative". Therefore, I unconsciously did create expectations and designed a picture of her after she said "I don't drink a lot" during our first date.
Another point that opened up is that I have some friends that are really good at drinking, but I do not care that much. So, the question I ask myself is "why do I make the difference between my closest friends that get drunk and a girl that also gets drunk but that I am just meeting?", because if I were concerned about supporting someone involved in alcohol... those should be my "friends", right? I should not give a shit about a being that behaves like a system drinking and drinking everyday and that I am just meeting. But I am not being equal to any of them.
Probably I do not care about my drunk friends because I don't want/need them to be according to my expectations = There are no actual expectations on them related to alcohol and their behavior. And with regards to this new girl, I unconsciously want her to be as I don't want her to be = expectations under the idea/belief of no expectations.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react negatively within myself when being told for over the third time "I am drunk" by a girl I am dating.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react negatively with the backchat/thought "she said she didn't drink that much".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire to tell her "stop doing that shit" when she mentioned/typed she was drunk/wasted again.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to require the mind to remind myself "do not create expectations, do not create expectations" as fear of fucking things up.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear having expectations about beings, therefore, I am fearing my interaction with my mind instead of exploring it in self-honesty and establish who I am in relation to the expectations I design towards other beings.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire to control other beings' lives/actions when they do not align to mine without realizing that it's them the ones that have to take responsibility for themselves.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe that other beings are part of my responsibility when they are not actually taking responsibility for themselves.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make a difference between my friends and a girl I am dating. Therefore I am unconsciously making a choice, because if I would have established how to assist beings that get drunk as a principle I should do it equally for all, but I am just directing my desires of control towards the beings I want to control, that I want them to be as I don't want them to be = a possible new "girlfriend" lol.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to picture this new girl being abused by other beings while being drunk.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react with fear when picturing this girl being sexually abused by other beings within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to (ab) use the word "worried"/ "I care" defining/perceiving it as something "positive", because "it's positive to care about other beings", when I am actually experiencing the opposite; Fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to give birth to positive attitudes/behaviors from negative thoughts/perceptions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate in polarity equations when thinking/believing that in being worried about someone is something positive that makes me a "good person" when actually I am full of Fear (Negativity).
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define as a "good person" a being that is worried about others, without realizing and understanding that in doing so, all the "positive desires" to help/make someone change are directed by Fear as Love. In this I forgive myself that I have not allowed and accepted myself to see/realize/understand that "Love" that comes from "Fear" is not Real Love.
When and as I see myself reacting negatively towards a being doing something that they said they didn't do, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am believing/trusting words as a fact, instead of paying attention to actions. I realize that in believing the words a being is saying, I am just creating/designing a picture/image within my mind = expectations. And when they do not align to their words, I react with negative emotions/thoughts/backchats/judgments, immediately activating the "worried character" under the belief that I am doing "right", when actually, I am accepting and allowing myself to be directed by Fear for facing a situation/event that I didn't expect (based on the being's words and the energetic attachment I created within the designed belief/picture/image).
I commit myself to stop the expectations under the belief that "I don't have any expectations". In this, I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to suppress the negativity with positivity (and vice-versa) = mind fuck.
When and as I see myself suppressing my Fears with a "positive" belief (and vice-versa), I stop and breathe. I realize that my actions do not align with my words and that's why I react angrily towards myself and then I want control, because if I really see, I always say "I have no expectations", but my actions say the opposite. It's the same that happened with this new girl I am dating; she said "I don't drink a lot" and then she tells me almost every night "I am drunk". Therefore, I am seeing myself when judging this being = I am angry/worried towards myself and as it is easy to identify the rafter in other people's eyes, I directed the guilt into her when actually the guilt was created within myself = it is MY responsibility.
I commit myself to stop and breathe when realizing I am participating in negative emotions and instead of remaining within the desire of making them change because they do not align to what they told me before, I commit myself to first explore/investigate myself in self-honesty in order to know what my reactions are showing me.
There is the belief that the reactions should be directed to the other beings when defining them as "liars" for not doing what they said, and one goes into the victim role/character/persona instead of realizing that the reaction works as warning that says "hey, stop and breathe. Look at yourself first".