A few days ago I was on a bus going home after buying some stuff. Suddenly the bus got full of passengers; most of them adults over 50 years old roughly.
I usually give my seat, but this time I was tired after a long day of work carrying my laptop in my backpack and the stuff I had bought which were not many but made me have my hands busy.
Suddenly a guy who was standing up next to my seat said to a woman "if I were sitting, I would give you my seat".
That's when I took it personal and a backchat/thought popped up within my mind in which I responded to this guy "if you knew me, you would realize why I am not giving my seat to the woman you are talking to".
I also thought "it's easy to say that you would do something if you were in a specific situation", judging that guy, because he was not doing anything, just saying words trying to show his "good intentions" to make a woman feel like "oh, yeah…fucking young people, they do not have manners to be able to consider giving their seats to old people/women".
I was pretty sure about not giving my seat this time because as I mentioned before, I was tired and with my hands full.
Then, an old man got on the bus. I started looking his face/expressions and it reminded me my dad. I started seeing on him the traits my dad has, for instance: a hard-working person that never seems to be tired and even though he might need help from others, he finds the way out and does everything on his own.
Another backchat/thought popped up in that moment: "if that were my dad (who looked tired and dirty) I would like young people to give him a seat because he deserves it.
I started reacting with a blended feeling/emotion of compassion/pity/sympathy/mercy. I stopped and breathed and finally did nothing because I didn't want to be directed by an energetic charge in which I was going to do something "positive" because I started feeling "bad" for that person. But, within myself the intention of giving my seat to him existed.
So, the question I ask myself is "Why do my intentions change depending on the energetic charge I am directing towards a specific being?” Because I didn't give a shit about the woman standing up next to me that probably was tired and wanted to sit her ass down. I didn't "feel" anything towards her.
Now, if I place this point in another field in which I participate, I realize that sometimes at school when I have to assess my students, I tend to be more "generous" with some people with whom I experience an energetic charge.
This could be seen as something "normal", because you do the "positive" to the people you feel "positive" with, right?
I realize that this world is full of that attitude/behavior and the only thing that causes is Inequality, because in those situations a (pre-programmed) "free choice" emerges and one has to decide.
As the "positive" is related to "feelings", one will decide to help the closest beings, because one has feelings towards them, because they make us feel positive as well, but, what happens with the rest? You simply do not care?
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to take comments/opinions personal.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react with back chats/thoughts full of negativity and judgment when feeling attacked by the comments/opinions of the beings around me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge what a being is saying with the backchat/thought "It's easy to say that you would do something if you were in a specific situation".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to go into a mind scenario in which I pictured myself reacting towards this guy and I said "if you knew me, you would realize why I am not giving my seat to the woman you are talking to".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe that both the guy and the woman shared a comment that said, "oh, yeah…fucking young people, they do not have manners to be able to consider giving their seats to old people/women".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to consider giving my seat to a person that reminded me someone to whom I feel an energetic attachment.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not give what I can do to everyone equally, because I am depending on feelings to move/direct myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be directed by the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions instead of applying common sense.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be more "generous" with the beings that I share a "positive" attachment.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to support the system as it has existed so far as Inequality for trusting the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions to move/direct myself.
When and as I see myself in a situation in which I have to make a choice, I stop and breathe and bring myself back HERE to the physical and make sure that I am stable, in order to be able to see reality and do what is best for all without being directed/controlled by my thoughts, feelings and emotions.
Now, I realize that I also experienced some "Guilt", because I always give my seat, especially to old people and as my physical body was tired and my hands full in that moment, I took what the guy said personal, instead of seeing that there were many other people that could be willing to give their seats. Not ignoring the situation, but not allowing myself to feel "guilty".
If I were those people and I was going to take a bus and I want a seat, I would take a look inside the bus and see if it's full or not. And if so, I would catch another bus. Simple. But I realize that not everyone acts the same way I do. So, within this situation I allowed and accepted myself to feel "attacked" and completely possessed by my thoughts/backchats, feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience "Guilt" after deciding I didn't want to give my seat because I was tired with my hands full, because I compared that situation with the previous/past ones in which I always gave my seat.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to compare my past/present experiences and after that end up reacting with a polarized manifestation (anger).
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel "attacked" when listening to this guy standing next to me saying comments/opinions that I took personal.
I commit myself to stop and breathe before making a choice, in order to make sure I am HERE without participating THERE within my mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions that will only create Inequality among human beings as the current system does/has done.
I commit myself to give Equally what I can do/give, without being based on "feelings" but, in Life as All, as One.