martes, 30 de septiembre de 2014

Part II: The Endless Cycle of Complaining at Lunch Time (Day 46)

This is the second part of my previous post and here I am going to explore/investigate through self-forgiveness how my current reactions towards "B" (N's bf) might be influenced by some events that I observed in the past.

What I saw was "D" kissing (as saying hi) "B". This scenario triggered a reaction within myself: "since when these two beings are so close? Did I miss something within the story? I thought "D" only kissed me that way when saying hi".

These reactions continued after observing other events in which I observed there was a "preference" towards B; some favors that were not allowed to me. I compared myself with "B" with backchats like "D thinks B is a very responsible guy, that's why he trusts him and not me". I am not worthy of trust, because D always thinks I am going to fuck things up as he has mentioned in the past". Therefore, B is responsible and I am Irresponsible = a polarity manifestation from my subconscious mind as the voice speaking to myself and creating reactions.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to trust the voice in my head that tells me "B is responsible, I am not responsible".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to compare myself with B.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react towards B when we both interact, because I think, believe and perceive that he thinks he is better than me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that I am less than B because he receives "special favors".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that when people receive "special favors" is because they are worthy of trust.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that I am not worthy of trust because I do not receive "special favors".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that the best beings are worthy of trust because they receive "special favors".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge myself when thinking that I am not responsible as the best ones when they receive "special favors" because they are worthy of trust.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that as D kissed B, now I was replaced, judged and compared.

When and as I see myself comparing myself with B, I stop and breathe. I realize that comparing myself with this being is only a mind game that is activating reactions as thoughts, feelings and emotions within myself and that I am allowing and accepting myself to be directed by my mind based on past experiences every time that I react towards him instead of being here as the physical, directing my participation within each new moment wherein I have to interact with B.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I catch myself reacting towards B.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I observe that B is getting something that I'm not, in order to avoid comparing myself and end up in a winner/loser mind game. Thus, I am going to be able to express myself here as a new moment without participating in energetic charges from the past.

jueves, 25 de septiembre de 2014

Nice Haircut! (Day 45)

The other day while I was parking my car, I suddenly saw "X" with a new haircut. I thought "well, it is cool to cut your hair after holidays or after you haven't been working for a while, because that shows that you take good care of your presentation".

I also thought "he looks a little bit weird/funny, his head and face look like if X was a different person", but I suppressed myself when the desire of making fun of X activated within my mind as a pre-programmed reaction.

Then, during the day "Y" made a joke based on "X"'s haircut; "Nice hair cut!", but only the ones that were next to "Y" laughed. I remembered a character from the movie The Fifth Element and within my mind they looked so similar that I immediately looked for a picture on the internet and I showed it to "Y" while I asked "does he look similar to someone in here?" and "Y" immediately knew what I was referring to and laughed and said "you're evil, I don't know why I'm your friend" (kidding).

I would now like to explore some points that opened up with regards to my personality as a joker.

Due to my dad's job, my family and I had to constantly move from one city to another. I was always the "new student" that had to make new friends. 

I had really cool friends when I was a kid, therefore when I had to move I missed them a lot.

I remember that I was/am good at observing people and as I missed my old friends so much I saw them in the faces of the people I was just meeting. I thought, "oh, she looks like Gloria, he looks like Esteban", "people are the same, but in different places".

This is probably why I developed this "ability" to find people that look identical before everybody notices it. 

So, I can relate that personality as a pattern that still exists within and as my mind. In the past it was made in order to feel familiar/comfortable in a new place and from I was a teenager to now it has been based on making fun.

A few minutes ago I was thinking "But it's part of myself being funny, why should I change it? I have always been like that". I am not saying that being funny and/or making jokes is bad/evil. The point here is who I am in relation to jokes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the thought "well, it is cool to cut your hair after holidays or after you haven't been working for a while, because that shows that you take good care of your presentation" to exist within and as myself, because I see, realize and understand that I have defined that if you do not cut your hair before getting back to work after holidays you are not a "good boy" that takes care of himself without realizing that I am placing judgments on other people based on my beliefs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throw all the bullshit out when "Y" said "Nice hair cut!" and immediately reacting with the desire of continuing with the joke and making it "better"/bigger, funnier, because in doing so - after my joke was accepted/approved with a laugh - I thought "I am creative".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that being creative is comparing two beings and making fun of them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throw my "attacks" out while I noticed someone else did the same that I was thinking, because in doing so, I am not alone, we are more and it's not only me facing possible consequences (X getting to know what I thought/said and end up in an argument in which I know I am "guilty").

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing problems/arguments/situations/challenges alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that me as a "joker" is just a pre-programmed character based on opinion, therefore it is not self-expression in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going to the hairdresser and end up with a funny/odd hair cut that it wasn't what I wanted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that "X" ended up with a (bad) hair cut that he didn't expected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that "X" noticed me - while saying "hi" - looking at him weird so that "X" could perceive that I was thinking something towards him/her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others may read my mind/thoughts through my physical expression/gestures.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear feeling exposed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to run away when something goes unexpected, because I fear facing the situation on my own.

When and as I see myself activating my joker persona, I stop and breath in order to make sure I am not existing in a behavioral loop that I created when I was a kid due to the emotional attachment towards my old friends. Therefore, if I react with that programming, which means that, I am not being self-expression now and here, I am just accepting and allowing myself to participate in a past personality/character that has nothing to do with who I really am now; the physical in time and space as every moment of breath, not my memories.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when a joke comes to my mind, so I can ask myself "on what am I basing this joke? Is it an old pattern or is it self-expression?

I commit myself to stop expecting others to do what I want to do first to move myself because I fear doing it on my own.

I commit myself to stop fearing feeling/being exposed, because if I fear this point, it's because there is something that I am hiding from myself, because I see, realize and understand that I am suppressing instead of releasing. I am actually resisting to change that point without stopping my participation in self-honesty.  

When and as I see myself perceiving something on other beings and reacting with thoughts/backchats, I stop and breathe. I realize that what I perceive from others are mind programs/personalities/behaviors/characters that exist within/as myself and that other beings are a mirror that shows me the points that I have to deconstruct through self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to deconstruct through self-forgiveness what it is reflected back to me while observing other beings.


sábado, 20 de septiembre de 2014

The Endless Cycle of Complaining at Lunch Time (Day 44)


I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to remain in a constant mind perception when I interact with "N" and her boyfriend, thinking that they both like fighting/arguing and that they complain/over react too much and do not tolerate anything that is different to their mind settings.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that these two beings think I am crazy and just speak bullshit, because they always have a response to what I say, and this response is perceived by me as an attack. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that what these two beings understand when I speak is only a small part of the whole, because they do not let me finish what I am saying and interrupt/attack a specific point that I mentioned to abolish it immediately.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see, realize and understand that when people do not listen to all what I have to say and interrupt me I focus on that point and get distracted from my self-expression as I am speaking and finally I end up with thoughts like "I got distracted and they still believe what they think is real, because I couldn't explain myself to make them understand my point".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire these two beings see what I see to realize their mind settings can be changed.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge these two beings' mind settings because I define them as "what they support as each other is self-dishonesty", because I think "if they complain too much about other people's actions, probably the problem is not about those people, but them as a couple".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to see dishonesty in others instead of working with my own.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire to say "you guys are used to over react too much and complain about other people" and after "N" said that our neighbors were listening to music loudly too early and that it made her wake up earlier I said "well, it didn't matter to me because I am not a person that always complains" and after "N" took it personal and said "I am not like that" I interrupted her saying "no no, I am referring to myself, not to you, do not take it personal" when actually my intention was to throw my comment as an "attack" for her to take it personal.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react and participate in a ping-pong game that only creates conflict instead of communication and understanding.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to act as an "innocent" as if I had no "bad intentions" when actually there are intentions behind what I say = the desire of attack/harm another person to make her/him react.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire to make other people react with what I say as if this was going to make people understand and love each other when it actually creates more and more suppressed energy that will be released after a reaction that one activates.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that "N" and her bf spend too much time in their bedroom and that they have to go out more, otherwise that will create on them an attitude of wanting to fight/argue because they are not breathing fresh air, but living in a bubble.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that when I am not in the mood I have to go out to reset my mind with fresh air from outside and then come back clear with no energetic charges and that "N" and her bf have to do the same and in doing so, they will stop the desires of arguing/complaining. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to focus on these two being's personalities instead of what they want to say, because I have defined them as "willing to complain", therefore almost everything that comes out from their mouths is perceived by me as an energetic release from suppressed anger/hate, that's why I think "here they come again. Shut the fuck up and instead of complaining do something".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to enjoy and experience a positive feeling of revenge when "M" said "but, you can call the police and tell them that neighbors are listening to music too loudly" and I reacted saying "yeah!" perceiving what "N" received was an attack from "M" to make her realize that you can change stuff with doing something, not only complaining".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think that if everybody tells "N" and her bf that they are "wrong" they will stop their bullshit and will start realizing they are living in a bubble. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not try other ways of communication with "N" because every time that we have lunch together I am expecting conflict and when "N" complains I get angry because I have already defined her as "willing to complain". It's just that I can't stand "N" complaining and yelling/being rude with "M" or "D" when we are having lunch.

When and as I see myself remaining in the definition "willing to complain" while at the same time I experience anger within the idea of "N" and her bf wanting to argue/complain, feeling uncomfortable for the way "N" speaks (demanding/rude), I stop and breathe. I realize that I have locked down these two beings under a definition that I created, based on my previous and constant experiences/interactions with them in which I have suppressed my expression in order to avoid conflict and not to react  - as a part of my process - and that if our interactions are getting the same outcome over and over again it's because we are allowing  and accepting our minds to react the same instead of see, realize and understand that a solution must be addressed through a different type of communication; communication out of any energetic charge = self-honest communication in common sense. In this, I see, realize and understand that I am responsible for what I am creating within myself and that I am not doing anything to change the way I perceive how others express behind my definitions towards them. 

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I sit and get ready to have lunch with these beings, in order to make sure I am not suppressing any energetic charge that might distort my perception to what they say/express.

I commit myself to stop my anger towards these two beings' reactions when I see them complaining and speaking in a demanding/violent/rude manner and see, realize and understand that if this is happening it's because "M" and "D" accepted being talked/treated as such. But the point is that I am also allowing it, because when we are having lunch everybody speaks and listens = we are all part of communication.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I see/listen to these two beings speaking in a demanding/violent/rude manner and make sure that I am clear to stop that situation and find a solution which is best for all, because communication does not achieve its purpose when people are angry or emotionally reacting. 

I commit myself to change the points existing in these two beings once I have analyzed them within myself and see in self-honesty how I can assist and support my interactions with these beings in order to avoid the "endless" cycles represented by our reactions every time we interact at lunch time.

I commit myself to stop the desire to "attack" / harm another person with comments under the idea of that they will understand and change their behavior. 




sábado, 6 de septiembre de 2014

Self-forgiveness (Day 43)




S elf love enough to
E xplore one-self and
L et go
F ears and pre-programmed characters

F rom and as the
O rganic robot that
R esists to
G row, expand and be able to see, realize and understand
"I" as the slave behind the
V eil that exists as the mind as
E motions, feelings and thoughts that
N ot allow one-self to see reality and develop common sense
E qual and one with the physical, now and here
S lowly but surely in
S elf-honesty as every moment of every breath