The other day while I was parking my car, I suddenly saw "X" with a new haircut. I thought "well, it is cool to cut your hair after holidays or after you haven't been working for a while, because that shows that you take good care of your presentation".
I also thought "he looks a little bit weird/funny, his head and face look like if X was a different person", but I suppressed myself when the desire of making fun of X activated within my mind as a pre-programmed reaction.
Then, during the day "Y" made a joke based on "X"'s haircut; "Nice hair cut!", but only the ones that were next to "Y" laughed. I remembered a character from the movie The Fifth Element and within my mind they looked so similar that I immediately looked for a picture on the internet and I showed it to "Y" while I asked "does he look similar to someone in here?" and "Y" immediately knew what I was referring to and laughed and said "you're evil, I don't know why I'm your friend" (kidding).
I would now like to explore some points that opened up with regards to my personality as a joker.
Due to my dad's job, my family and I had to constantly move from one city to another. I was always the "new student" that had to make new friends.
I had really cool friends when I was a kid, therefore when I had to move I missed them a lot.
I remember that I was/am good at observing people and as I missed my old friends so much I saw them in the faces of the people I was just meeting. I thought, "oh, she looks like Gloria, he looks like Esteban", "people are the same, but in different places".
This is probably why I developed this "ability" to find people that look identical before everybody notices it.
So, I can relate that personality as a pattern that still exists within and as my mind. In the past it was made in order to feel familiar/comfortable in a new place and from I was a teenager to now it has been based on making fun.
A few minutes ago I was thinking "But it's part of myself being funny, why should I change it? I have always been like that". I am not saying that being funny and/or making jokes is bad/evil. The point here is who I am in relation to jokes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the thought "well, it is cool to cut your hair after holidays or after you haven't been working for a while, because that shows that you take good care of your presentation" to exist within and as myself, because I see, realize and understand that I have defined that if you do not cut your hair before getting back to work after holidays you are not a "good boy" that takes care of himself without realizing that I am placing judgments on other people based on my beliefs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throw all the bullshit out when "Y" said "Nice hair cut!" and immediately reacting with the desire of continuing with the joke and making it "better"/bigger, funnier, because in doing so - after my joke was accepted/approved with a laugh - I thought "I am creative".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that being creative is comparing two beings and making fun of them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throw my "attacks" out while I noticed someone else did the same that I was thinking, because in doing so, I am not alone, we are more and it's not only me facing possible consequences (X getting to know what I thought/said and end up in an argument in which I know I am "guilty").
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing problems/arguments/situations/challenges alone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that me as a "joker" is just a pre-programmed character based on opinion, therefore it is not self-expression in self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going to the hairdresser and end up with a funny/odd hair cut that it wasn't what I wanted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that "X" ended up with a (bad) hair cut that he didn't expected.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that "X" noticed me - while saying "hi" - looking at him weird so that "X" could perceive that I was thinking something towards him/her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others may read my mind/thoughts through my physical expression/gestures.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear feeling exposed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to run away when something goes unexpected, because I fear facing the situation on my own.
When and as I see myself activating my joker persona, I stop and breath in order to make sure I am not existing in a behavioral loop that I created when I was a kid due to the emotional attachment towards my old friends. Therefore, if I react with that programming, which means that, I am not being self-expression now and here, I am just accepting and allowing myself to participate in a past personality/character that has nothing to do with who I really am now; the physical in time and space as every moment of breath, not my memories.
I commit myself to stop and breathe when a joke comes to my mind, so I can ask myself "on what am I basing this joke? Is it an old pattern or is it self-expression?
I commit myself to stop expecting others to do what I want to do first to move myself because I fear doing it on my own.
I commit myself to stop fearing feeling/being exposed, because if I fear this point, it's because there is something that I am hiding from myself, because I see, realize and understand that I am suppressing instead of releasing. I am actually resisting to change that point without stopping my participation in self-honesty.
When and as I see myself perceiving something on other beings and reacting with thoughts/backchats, I stop and breathe. I realize that what I perceive from others are mind programs/personalities/behaviors/characters that exist within/as myself and that other beings are a mirror that shows me the points that I have to deconstruct through self-forgiveness.
I commit myself to deconstruct through self-forgiveness what it is reflected back to me while observing other beings.