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Part II: The Endless Cycle of Complaining at Lunch Time (Day 46)

This is the second part of my previous post and here I am going to explore/investigate through self-forgiveness how my current reactions towards "B" (N's bf) might be influenced by some events that I observed in the past.

What I saw was "D" kissing (as saying hi) "B". This scenario triggered a reaction within myself: "since when these two beings are so close? Did I miss something within the story? I thought "D" only kissed me that way when saying hi".

These reactions continued after observing other events in which I observed there was a "preference" towards B; some favors that were not allowed to me. I compared myself with "B" with backchats like "D thinks B is a very responsible guy, that's why he trusts him and not me". I am not worthy of trust, because D always thinks I am going to fuck things up as he has mentioned in the past". Therefore, B is responsible and I am Irresponsible = a polarity manifestation from my subconscious mind as the voice speaking to myself and creating reactions.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to trust the voice in my head that tells me "B is responsible, I am not responsible".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to compare myself with B.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react towards B when we both interact, because I think, believe and perceive that he thinks he is better than me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that I am less than B because he receives "special favors".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that when people receive "special favors" is because they are worthy of trust.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that I am not worthy of trust because I do not receive "special favors".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that the best beings are worthy of trust because they receive "special favors".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge myself when thinking that I am not responsible as the best ones when they receive "special favors" because they are worthy of trust.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that as D kissed B, now I was replaced, judged and compared.

When and as I see myself comparing myself with B, I stop and breathe. I realize that comparing myself with this being is only a mind game that is activating reactions as thoughts, feelings and emotions within myself and that I am allowing and accepting myself to be directed by my mind based on past experiences every time that I react towards him instead of being here as the physical, directing my participation within each new moment wherein I have to interact with B.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I catch myself reacting towards B.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I observe that B is getting something that I'm not, in order to avoid comparing myself and end up in a winner/loser mind game. Thus, I am going to be able to express myself here as a new moment without participating in energetic charges from the past.

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