sábado, 20 de septiembre de 2014

The Endless Cycle of Complaining at Lunch Time (Day 44)


I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to remain in a constant mind perception when I interact with "N" and her boyfriend, thinking that they both like fighting/arguing and that they complain/over react too much and do not tolerate anything that is different to their mind settings.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that these two beings think I am crazy and just speak bullshit, because they always have a response to what I say, and this response is perceived by me as an attack. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that what these two beings understand when I speak is only a small part of the whole, because they do not let me finish what I am saying and interrupt/attack a specific point that I mentioned to abolish it immediately.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see, realize and understand that when people do not listen to all what I have to say and interrupt me I focus on that point and get distracted from my self-expression as I am speaking and finally I end up with thoughts like "I got distracted and they still believe what they think is real, because I couldn't explain myself to make them understand my point".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire these two beings see what I see to realize their mind settings can be changed.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge these two beings' mind settings because I define them as "what they support as each other is self-dishonesty", because I think "if they complain too much about other people's actions, probably the problem is not about those people, but them as a couple".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to see dishonesty in others instead of working with my own.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire to say "you guys are used to over react too much and complain about other people" and after "N" said that our neighbors were listening to music loudly too early and that it made her wake up earlier I said "well, it didn't matter to me because I am not a person that always complains" and after "N" took it personal and said "I am not like that" I interrupted her saying "no no, I am referring to myself, not to you, do not take it personal" when actually my intention was to throw my comment as an "attack" for her to take it personal.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react and participate in a ping-pong game that only creates conflict instead of communication and understanding.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to act as an "innocent" as if I had no "bad intentions" when actually there are intentions behind what I say = the desire of attack/harm another person to make her/him react.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire to make other people react with what I say as if this was going to make people understand and love each other when it actually creates more and more suppressed energy that will be released after a reaction that one activates.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that "N" and her bf spend too much time in their bedroom and that they have to go out more, otherwise that will create on them an attitude of wanting to fight/argue because they are not breathing fresh air, but living in a bubble.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that when I am not in the mood I have to go out to reset my mind with fresh air from outside and then come back clear with no energetic charges and that "N" and her bf have to do the same and in doing so, they will stop the desires of arguing/complaining. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to focus on these two being's personalities instead of what they want to say, because I have defined them as "willing to complain", therefore almost everything that comes out from their mouths is perceived by me as an energetic release from suppressed anger/hate, that's why I think "here they come again. Shut the fuck up and instead of complaining do something".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to enjoy and experience a positive feeling of revenge when "M" said "but, you can call the police and tell them that neighbors are listening to music too loudly" and I reacted saying "yeah!" perceiving what "N" received was an attack from "M" to make her realize that you can change stuff with doing something, not only complaining".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think that if everybody tells "N" and her bf that they are "wrong" they will stop their bullshit and will start realizing they are living in a bubble. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not try other ways of communication with "N" because every time that we have lunch together I am expecting conflict and when "N" complains I get angry because I have already defined her as "willing to complain". It's just that I can't stand "N" complaining and yelling/being rude with "M" or "D" when we are having lunch.

When and as I see myself remaining in the definition "willing to complain" while at the same time I experience anger within the idea of "N" and her bf wanting to argue/complain, feeling uncomfortable for the way "N" speaks (demanding/rude), I stop and breathe. I realize that I have locked down these two beings under a definition that I created, based on my previous and constant experiences/interactions with them in which I have suppressed my expression in order to avoid conflict and not to react  - as a part of my process - and that if our interactions are getting the same outcome over and over again it's because we are allowing  and accepting our minds to react the same instead of see, realize and understand that a solution must be addressed through a different type of communication; communication out of any energetic charge = self-honest communication in common sense. In this, I see, realize and understand that I am responsible for what I am creating within myself and that I am not doing anything to change the way I perceive how others express behind my definitions towards them. 

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I sit and get ready to have lunch with these beings, in order to make sure I am not suppressing any energetic charge that might distort my perception to what they say/express.

I commit myself to stop my anger towards these two beings' reactions when I see them complaining and speaking in a demanding/violent/rude manner and see, realize and understand that if this is happening it's because "M" and "D" accepted being talked/treated as such. But the point is that I am also allowing it, because when we are having lunch everybody speaks and listens = we are all part of communication.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I see/listen to these two beings speaking in a demanding/violent/rude manner and make sure that I am clear to stop that situation and find a solution which is best for all, because communication does not achieve its purpose when people are angry or emotionally reacting. 

I commit myself to change the points existing in these two beings once I have analyzed them within myself and see in self-honesty how I can assist and support my interactions with these beings in order to avoid the "endless" cycles represented by our reactions every time we interact at lunch time.

I commit myself to stop the desire to "attack" / harm another person with comments under the idea of that they will understand and change their behavior. 




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