viernes, 31 de octubre de 2014

Part VI: The Endless Cycle of Complaining at Lunchtime (Day 50)

This is the continuation of my previous post in which I saw how I had made a connection between me doing something what my mom did/does (serving lunch) that I had defined as an "inferior" action due to my perception towards her and thus feeling inferior when doing the same. (Mom + Serving Dinner = A Submissive Action)

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define what my mom does as an inferior action.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge my mom.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to give more value to my perceptions towards my mom instead of seeing her common sense actions. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become my own definition of inferiority when doing what mom does, ending up in self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let this energetic reactions of inferiority get me distracted from my current moment.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that I will be perceived as an inferior being for serving lunch.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to give more importance to how other people might perceive me while serving lunch instead of the action of helping others get their food and feed their bodies.

When and as I see myself experiencing my own judgment that I have created towards other people in my world, I stop and breathe. I realize that that isn't real. It's just my mind making a connection from what I have observed and defined from the past with what I am doing right now.

I commit myself to stop my judgments and get focused on my current experiences, because if I allow myself to get distracted with "how I feel" while helping others I will only keep existing in my mind and not living reality as what it's here in my now and here. 

lunes, 27 de octubre de 2014

Part V: The Endless Cycle of Complaining at Lunchtime (Day 49)

Within this post I am going to walk through self-forgiveness the reactions as back chats that popped up when I decided to help "D" with serving the dishes at lunch time, considering that I had to serve dinner to "N" and "B", people with whom I feel uncomfortable due to past and present experiences. 

The backchat I had was: 

"I shouldn't serve dinner to "N" and "B", because I don't like them and they always complaint at me"

Here, I see how my mind looks for excuses/justifications in order to avoid doing something physical as moving myself after feeling overwhelmed with my reactions while interacting with "N" and "B".

My mind immediately needed to place me within its polarity whether as "inferior" or "superior". 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get possessed by my reactions while standing up to do something physical.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to direct myself as the physical when I am possessed by my reactions, because I am more focused on not to be seen "affected" by others instead of focusing on myself first and that's why I feel my body uncomfortable and then I just remain in my mind because it seems safer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain possessed by my reactions for the next moments within this "safe" quantum dimension without seeing, realizing and understanding that if the energy is not released, it will take over within every new moment, that's why the option of not serving dinner to "N" and "B" popped up as another reaction created by the same energy.

When and as I see myself reacting in a new moment while being possessed by the energy that was originated in the previous moment, I stop and breathe. I realize that if I define myself as that energy and I do not release it, the energy will only be suppressed and will search for any chink to pop up again.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I notice myself being possessed by my reactions when I experiencing a new moment, making sure I am HERE as the physical and direct myself towards what is best for all and not accept and allow ego to dictate what I should/shouldn't do, because I see realize and understand that if I act upon those reactions, I will end up living in the same cycle that I have been existing in.

Now - The reason why I reacted with the already mentioned backchat was because I have defined "serving dinner" as a weak action due to the relationship I have created with my mom (because she always serves dinner), defining my mom as a good person with no bad intentions who is always willing to help and that even though you treat her bad, she will be there no matter what. 

Therefore: Mom + Serving Dinner = a Submissive Action.

So, I saw myself represented within this Submissive role/character and as I had already felt inferior for being interrupted by "B" while having lunch, I didn't want to remain there. I wanted to move to the other side of the polarity and serving dinner would make me feel more and more inferior. But, I focused on what I was doing, how to grab the dishes, communicate with "D" and go serve dinner without feeling bad/inferior/submissive. 

Here, I see another important point, which is that the mind won't allow me to see common sense actions, because one will immediately place tags/judgments on people. Just how I did with mom. Because instead of seeing serving dinner as a part of eating and therefore existing, I as the mind would pay more attention on how I feel while doing it instead of being clear about the starting point of feeding the body.

I will continue 

jueves, 23 de octubre de 2014

Part IV: The Endless Cycle of Complaining at Lunchtime (Day 48)

In this post I would like to share an experience when interacting with "B" while I was reacting within and as emotions/backchats when we were having lunch.

The first thing to mention is that I tend to avoid looking at "B" because I feel uncomfortable sharing lunch with him. I have tried to be "nice" when I meet the lunchtime scenario and I say "hi" to all there, but sometimes he doesn't even reply back.

I remember that like two or three months ago I started getting lots of complaints by "N" due to my habits and I felt like "this never happened in the past, why is "N" complaining too much at me lately? Probably she has been influenced by "B" because they are a couple and are like "One", therefore, if he starts complaining at me behind my back, she will tell me all those things in order to avoid listening to her boyfriend complaining and just be happy instead".

After I noticed that, I tried to have no interaction with them (N and B) because within myself, I felt they would prefer not to live in the same house with me, so I consciously avoided them unless we were face to face.

All these experiences do affect our relationship and when I have been interrupted or "attacked" by "B" when giving my point of view at lunchtime regarding any topic, I don't feel comfortable. It's not like when you discuss with your friends and you can just flow with the conversation. 

I noticed that when I was having dinner with these two beings and for some reason I started reacting within and as my mind, I would feel my body was not mine. I would feel all my moves overacted, because I didn't want them to notice I was uncomfortable. I ended up only focusing attention to my backchats while trying to calm myself down.

The point is that one day while I was experiencing all these energetic reactions, I decided to stand up and help "D" with serving the second dish and I noticed my mind reacting like "I shouldn't serve the second dish to "N" and "B", because I don't like them and they always complain at me", but I stopped, breathed and did it anyways. 

While I was doing that I was no longer trapped within my mind and the energetic reaction started to slowly fade away. So, now it's when I have come to realize the importance of the physical as the real change, because I don't need to "think different" about these two beings or just tell myself - as backchats - "this has to stop somehow", because even though I knew I was participating within my mind and my Ego didn't want to do something for them, I pushed myself as the physical to do it, avoiding feeling "inferior"= transcending that point.

I am not saying that my relationship with them completely changed lol, because I have just started to walk this point and I still catch myself feeling uncomfortable within some scenarios while interacting with them, especially with "B", but this is something I will be writing about in order to see more points and release myself from all these experiences I have created within myself as the mind.

On my next post I will write self-forgiveness on my reactions/emotions and backchats while pushing myself to serve them dinner when helping "D" with the lunch.

domingo, 5 de octubre de 2014

Part III: The Endless Cycle of Complaining at Lunch Time (Day 47)

This is the third part of my previous posts (Part I & Part II) with regards to the character I activate when I interact with a specific being at lunch/dinner time.

Today, I am going to deconstruct a reaction that activated yesterday when I interacted with "B", which basically consists of a mind battle of winner/loser and feeling superior/inferior.

The reason why I am walking this is because I want to change my reactions every time that I interact with "B". It's not that I treat B in a rude manner. It's not something that can be easily perceived by observing me, because it happens within myself as internal conversations/backchats after I have observed/heard "B" doing something.

The story goes like this:

I sat and get prepared to eat. I was the first person there so I grabbed the remote control and turned the tv on. I rarely watch tv, but I wanted to do a little surfing in case there was something interesting to watch.

I thought that no-one would have problems with that because I rarely watch tv and I was the first there and sometimes when I sit to have lunch the tv is on and I decide whether I want to watch or not. It's simple to me.

The point is that when "B" arrived, "B" sat down, looked at the tv and said: "what is that? Who’s watching that? Then "B" said: "can I see something?". "B" grabbed the remote control and changed the channel and started watching a football match.

My first backchat was: "who the fuck does "B" think is? I was watching tv first. It's not fair that he does that. It's rude".

I thought about all the things that I could do, for instance expecting this being to get distracted and then grab the remote control again and change the channel as "B" did, in order to make "B" experience the same I did. Then I pictured how could that scenario go if facing possible reactions, because there was "N" there as well and "N" would have probably supported "B".

I stopped and breathed and I thought "am I doing the right thing by saying anything because I am experiencing an energetic charge within myself? It's okay, I am walking a process of observing myself in situations like this, but … am I going to be able to say/do something some day. Why am I not standing up and directing myself in common sense? This can be fixed/changed in a way that I am not going to create conflict within everybody here"

What I have observed is that things happened so fast and unexpected that I immediately went into reactions within myself. I generally backchat a lot and my behavior changes. It's like I'm trapped and I fear becoming angry and react saying stuff that I might regret. I also think that I must work on social skills, especially related to communication with others, because since I was a kid, I remember that I have been "good" at reacting angry, but I do not want that to happen again, because that's not the best for all.

I could easily just say (within my reaction): "B", this is my house, you do not even live here, so you do not have the right to give opinions and/or trample me. Why did you grab the remote control without considering that another person was watching that - apparently - "boring" show?

BUT, if I would have said that, probably I would have created a whole argument, because I would have been reacting from anger and feeling inferior. But, I realize that that reaction wouldn't have been teaching anything. So that's when I think I don't have the most appropriate way of saying aloud what bothers me, because it's hard for me to release myself from the energetic movements that happen within myself when I face situations like this.

So, now I am going to work on the first backchat I had towards "B" when I was watching tv first and then "B" changed the channel.

Backchat:  "who the fuck does "B" think is? I was watching tv first. It's not fair that he does that. It's rude".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define as the "winner" the person who has the remote control, therefore when you arrive first to have lunch, everybody else has to just accept what's on tv unless there is a "good" manner when asking the channel to be changed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that I am the one that has won this time, because I grabbed the remote control first and everybody just has to accept it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with anger when "B" grabbed the remote control and changed the channel because I thought ""who the fuck does "B" think is? I was watching tv first. It's not fair that he does that. It's rude".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive myself as inferior, because the belief that I had created within my mind towards everybody there was not being "respected" by "B".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that everybody in my house will understand what I thought because I had the remote control next to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as "I have the power" because my physical position was like "I am in control this time".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that when "B" sat down, I was not even watching tv because somebody else had sat next to me, and I just remained within back chats and energetic movements within myself without even considering that probably "B" didn't even know that I was watching tv.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that I had already pre-programmed myself to such a situation, because my starting point was "I got here first, I can watch whatever I want without being questioned because I "respect" other people when they are watching a show on tv and I don't say anything whether I like it or not, because I rarely watch tv, so I don't mind". Therefore, when things went out of expected, I reacted towards my own starting point, because if I would have been really interested on the tv show I would have just said "no, I am watching it, B. What do you wanna watch? Oh, ok, I don't mind, just change the channel", without blaming "B" for what he did.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry immediately when I take things personal, because I am so immersed within my self- dis-honest starting point that I end up in a bubble without being able to express myself out of any energetic reaction and/or say something simple, in common sense, in a way that I am just concerned about creating comprehension/learning instead of attaching myself to internal conversations/backchats and reactions that do not let me do/change anything.

When and as I see myself reacting towards a failed starting point, I stop and breathe. I realize that I have created/programmed the whole situation I am experiencing, because my starting point came from a thought (within my conscious mind), then the backchat/reaction (within my subconscious mind) and finally, my physical behavior when deciding to keep the remote control next to me as a representation of "power" towards the rest (within my unconscious mind) = I am responsible.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when facing situations in which I think, believe and perceive that someone is trampling me.

I commit myself to stop and breathe so as to bring myself back here instead of remaining within internal conversations/backchats when I am experiencing energetic charges while interacting with "B", because if I allow myself to stop my participation within these reactions, I will be able to say something in common sense without fearing a possible consequence due to my starting points as self-dishonesty that don't allow me  - as the physical - to direct myself and see the whole picture instead of my own creation solely.