This is the third part of my previous posts (Part I & Part II) with regards to the character I activate when I interact with a specific being at lunch/dinner time.
Today, I am going to deconstruct a reaction that activated yesterday when I interacted with "B", which basically consists of a mind battle of winner/loser and feeling superior/inferior.
The reason why I am walking this is because I want to change my reactions every time that I interact with "B". It's not that I treat B in a rude manner. It's not something that can be easily perceived by observing me, because it happens within myself as internal conversations/backchats after I have observed/heard "B" doing something.
The story goes like this:
I sat and get prepared to eat. I was the first person there so I grabbed the remote control and turned the tv on. I rarely watch tv, but I wanted to do a little surfing in case there was something interesting to watch.
I thought that no-one would have problems with that because I rarely watch tv and I was the first there and sometimes when I sit to have lunch the tv is on and I decide whether I want to watch or not. It's simple to me.
The point is that when "B" arrived, "B" sat down, looked at the tv and said: "what is that? Who’s watching that? Then "B" said: "can I see something?". "B" grabbed the remote control and changed the channel and started watching a football match.
My first backchat was: "who the fuck does "B" think is? I was watching tv first. It's not fair that he does that. It's rude".
I thought about all the things that I could do, for instance expecting this being to get distracted and then grab the remote control again and change the channel as "B" did, in order to make "B" experience the same I did. Then I pictured how could that scenario go if facing possible reactions, because there was "N" there as well and "N" would have probably supported "B".
I stopped and breathed and I thought "am I doing the right thing by saying anything because I am experiencing an energetic charge within myself? It's okay, I am walking a process of observing myself in situations like this, but … am I going to be able to say/do something some day. Why am I not standing up and directing myself in common sense? This can be fixed/changed in a way that I am not going to create conflict within everybody here"
What I have observed is that things happened so fast and unexpected that I immediately went into reactions within myself. I generally backchat a lot and my behavior changes. It's like I'm trapped and I fear becoming angry and react saying stuff that I might regret. I also think that I must work on social skills, especially related to communication with others, because since I was a kid, I remember that I have been "good" at reacting angry, but I do not want that to happen again, because that's not the best for all.
I could easily just say (within my reaction): "B", this is my house, you do not even live here, so you do not have the right to give opinions and/or trample me. Why did you grab the remote control without considering that another person was watching that - apparently - "boring" show?
BUT, if I would have said that, probably I would have created a whole argument, because I would have been reacting from anger and feeling inferior. But, I realize that that reaction wouldn't have been teaching anything. So that's when I think I don't have the most appropriate way of saying aloud what bothers me, because it's hard for me to release myself from the energetic movements that happen within myself when I face situations like this.
So, now I am going to work on the first backchat I had towards "B" when I was watching tv first and then "B" changed the channel.
Backchat: "who the fuck does "B" think is? I was watching tv first. It's not fair that he does that. It's rude".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define as the "winner" the person who has the remote control, therefore when you arrive first to have lunch, everybody else has to just accept what's on tv unless there is a "good" manner when asking the channel to be changed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that I am the one that has won this time, because I grabbed the remote control first and everybody just has to accept it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with anger when "B" grabbed the remote control and changed the channel because I thought ""who the fuck does "B" think is? I was watching tv first. It's not fair that he does that. It's rude".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive myself as inferior, because the belief that I had created within my mind towards everybody there was not being "respected" by "B".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that everybody in my house will understand what I thought because I had the remote control next to me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as "I have the power" because my physical position was like "I am in control this time".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that when "B" sat down, I was not even watching tv because somebody else had sat next to me, and I just remained within back chats and energetic movements within myself without even considering that probably "B" didn't even know that I was watching tv.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see realize and understand that I had already pre-programmed myself to such a situation, because my starting point was "I got here first, I can watch whatever I want without being questioned because I "respect" other people when they are watching a show on tv and I don't say anything whether I like it or not, because I rarely watch tv, so I don't mind". Therefore, when things went out of expected, I reacted towards my own starting point, because if I would have been really interested on the tv show I would have just said "no, I am watching it, B. What do you wanna watch? Oh, ok, I don't mind, just change the channel", without blaming "B" for what he did.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry immediately when I take things personal, because I am so immersed within my self- dis-honest starting point that I end up in a bubble without being able to express myself out of any energetic reaction and/or say something simple, in common sense, in a way that I am just concerned about creating comprehension/learning instead of attaching myself to internal conversations/backchats and reactions that do not let me do/change anything.
When and as I see myself reacting towards a failed starting point, I stop and breathe. I realize that I have created/programmed the whole situation I am experiencing, because my starting point came from a thought (within my conscious mind), then the backchat/reaction (within my subconscious mind) and finally, my physical behavior when deciding to keep the remote control next to me as a representation of "power" towards the rest (within my unconscious mind) = I am responsible.
I commit myself to stop and breathe when facing situations in which I think, believe and perceive that someone is trampling me.
I commit myself to stop and breathe so as to bring myself back here instead of remaining within internal conversations/backchats when I am experiencing energetic charges while interacting with "B", because if I allow myself to stop my participation within these reactions, I will be able to say something in common sense without fearing a possible consequence due to my starting points as self-dishonesty that don't allow me - as the physical - to direct myself and see the whole picture instead of my own creation solely.