Part IV: The Endless Cycle of Complaining at Lunchtime (Day 48)

In this post I would like to share an experience when interacting with "B" while I was reacting within and as emotions/backchats when we were having lunch.

The first thing to mention is that I tend to avoid looking at "B" because I feel uncomfortable sharing lunch with him. I have tried to be "nice" when I meet the lunchtime scenario and I say "hi" to all there, but sometimes he doesn't even reply back.

I remember that like two or three months ago I started getting lots of complaints by "N" due to my habits and I felt like "this never happened in the past, why is "N" complaining too much at me lately? Probably she has been influenced by "B" because they are a couple and are like "One", therefore, if he starts complaining at me behind my back, she will tell me all those things in order to avoid listening to her boyfriend complaining and just be happy instead".

After I noticed that, I tried to have no interaction with them (N and B) because within myself, I felt they would prefer not to live in the same house with me, so I consciously avoided them unless we were face to face.

All these experiences do affect our relationship and when I have been interrupted or "attacked" by "B" when giving my point of view at lunchtime regarding any topic, I don't feel comfortable. It's not like when you discuss with your friends and you can just flow with the conversation. 

I noticed that when I was having dinner with these two beings and for some reason I started reacting within and as my mind, I would feel my body was not mine. I would feel all my moves overacted, because I didn't want them to notice I was uncomfortable. I ended up only focusing attention to my backchats while trying to calm myself down.

The point is that one day while I was experiencing all these energetic reactions, I decided to stand up and help "D" with serving the second dish and I noticed my mind reacting like "I shouldn't serve the second dish to "N" and "B", because I don't like them and they always complain at me", but I stopped, breathed and did it anyways. 

While I was doing that I was no longer trapped within my mind and the energetic reaction started to slowly fade away. So, now it's when I have come to realize the importance of the physical as the real change, because I don't need to "think different" about these two beings or just tell myself - as backchats - "this has to stop somehow", because even though I knew I was participating within my mind and my Ego didn't want to do something for them, I pushed myself as the physical to do it, avoiding feeling "inferior"= transcending that point.

I am not saying that my relationship with them completely changed lol, because I have just started to walk this point and I still catch myself feeling uncomfortable within some scenarios while interacting with them, especially with "B", but this is something I will be writing about in order to see more points and release myself from all these experiences I have created within myself as the mind.

On my next post I will write self-forgiveness on my reactions/emotions and backchats while pushing myself to serve them dinner when helping "D" with the lunch.