Part V: The Endless Cycle of Complaining at Lunchtime (Day 49)

Within this post I am going to walk through self-forgiveness the reactions as back chats that popped up when I decided to help "D" with serving the dishes at lunch time, considering that I had to serve dinner to "N" and "B", people with whom I feel uncomfortable due to past and present experiences. 

The backchat I had was: 

"I shouldn't serve dinner to "N" and "B", because I don't like them and they always complaint at me"

Here, I see how my mind looks for excuses/justifications in order to avoid doing something physical as moving myself after feeling overwhelmed with my reactions while interacting with "N" and "B".

My mind immediately needed to place me within its polarity whether as "inferior" or "superior". 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get possessed by my reactions while standing up to do something physical.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to direct myself as the physical when I am possessed by my reactions, because I am more focused on not to be seen "affected" by others instead of focusing on myself first and that's why I feel my body uncomfortable and then I just remain in my mind because it seems safer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain possessed by my reactions for the next moments within this "safe" quantum dimension without seeing, realizing and understanding that if the energy is not released, it will take over within every new moment, that's why the option of not serving dinner to "N" and "B" popped up as another reaction created by the same energy.

When and as I see myself reacting in a new moment while being possessed by the energy that was originated in the previous moment, I stop and breathe. I realize that if I define myself as that energy and I do not release it, the energy will only be suppressed and will search for any chink to pop up again.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I notice myself being possessed by my reactions when I experiencing a new moment, making sure I am HERE as the physical and direct myself towards what is best for all and not accept and allow ego to dictate what I should/shouldn't do, because I see realize and understand that if I act upon those reactions, I will end up living in the same cycle that I have been existing in.

Now - The reason why I reacted with the already mentioned backchat was because I have defined "serving dinner" as a weak action due to the relationship I have created with my mom (because she always serves dinner), defining my mom as a good person with no bad intentions who is always willing to help and that even though you treat her bad, she will be there no matter what. 

Therefore: Mom + Serving Dinner = a Submissive Action.

So, I saw myself represented within this Submissive role/character and as I had already felt inferior for being interrupted by "B" while having lunch, I didn't want to remain there. I wanted to move to the other side of the polarity and serving dinner would make me feel more and more inferior. But, I focused on what I was doing, how to grab the dishes, communicate with "D" and go serve dinner without feeling bad/inferior/submissive. 

Here, I see another important point, which is that the mind won't allow me to see common sense actions, because one will immediately place tags/judgments on people. Just how I did with mom. Because instead of seeing serving dinner as a part of eating and therefore existing, I as the mind would pay more attention on how I feel while doing it instead of being clear about the starting point of feeding the body.

I will continue