domingo, 30 de noviembre de 2014

Ugly & Boring (Day 53)

I was on Facebook and I saw a picture of a girl I knew with her kind of new bf.

My backchat was "That guy's ugly, she is kind of hot. Why does she like him? Probably she gets what she wants with that guy. She must have been desperate for not being taken in consideration and that's the only guy who paid attention to her in the way she expected guys should be".

I remember that I went out with that girl twice. The first time was boring. It was like we were too different and the aspects I mentioned about my life had nothing to do with hers, so I defined her as Boring and Superficial.

The second time we met, I arrived like 3 hours late to our "date" and she had a long face and I ended up talking to one of her friends and I didn't even care about her because I had already defined her as a "boring girl".

So, now as I saw the picture of her and her new bf, I reacted with the back chats I already mentioned and also this belief that "I am way better than that guy", comparing myself and judging her decisions for picking that guy to hang out with and then become a couple lol.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge human beings for their physical appearance. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to compare myself with other beings that I define as "less than me" based on our physical appearance.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that I am better than other human beings.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that there exist better and worse people in the world based on physical appearance.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that there exist boring people in the world because they are apparently not able to understand what I understand based on life experiences.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react with the backchats "That guy's ugly, she is kind of hot. Why does she like him? Probably she gets what she wants with that guy. She must have been desperate for not being taken in consideration and that's the only guy who paid attention to her in the way she expected guys should be".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that a boring girl deserves an ugly guy because they perfectly complement each other, because they both are in an "inferior" position.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that "ugly" people and/or "boring" people are inferior.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that as I am not ugly and/or boring I am a better person… better than both of them. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think "I could have easily had that boring girl with her nice ass if I would have wanted, I just had to follow a specific behavioral pattern in order to supply all her boring needs so as to be perceived by her as a possible bf".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think believe and perceive that the way I am does not fit in with the girls' needs, because they expect a guy that entertains them and that he is punctual, which I am not lol.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define the way I am as "unpunctual" and "not willing to behave like being in charge of the girls I date".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that ugly people are punctual and willing to accept commitments because that's the only thing they can do in order to get what they want: a nice girl, but as they are not being themselves; they are just following a pre-programmed pattern based on sexual survival.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that what I think about people is the truth of the events, without seeing, realizing and understanding that I am just projecting what exists within myself towards the people in my environment. And that that does not necessarily means I am right, that my judgment is right, otherwise everything we think would be real. 

When and as I see myself judging people for the way they look/are and I think, believe and perceive that I am more than that because I think that as I am able to identify some behavioral patterns within myself, that means that I am almost able to read people's minds through their behavior as well and then I judge them as inferior due to their decisions and or physical appearance, I stop and breathe. I realize that my participation in those judgment does not lead me into any self-learning / self-expansion process, because I am not taking self-responsibility and/or assessing myself within my reactions; I am just defining them as real and experiencing a positive reaction for thinking, believing and perceiving that I am right. In this, I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience a positive reaction when thinking, believing and perceiving that what's on my mind towards other people is the truth, it's real.

I commit myself to stop my judgment towards other people's decisions when they decide with whom to have a relationship.

I commit myself to stop believing that what I think about other people is real.

I commit myself to stop comparing myself with the people I define as ugly and boring.

I commit myself to work on the points of punctuality and commitments in order to stop my self-definitions that limit myself.


miércoles, 26 de noviembre de 2014

Part VIII: The Endless Cycle of Complaining at Lunchtime (Day 52)

The other day I was having lunch and all the people there and I started talking about fears and reactions. I mentioned that - according to what I have seen in some Desteni videos - Jesus was asked about death many times by human beings. That's when "N" asked: where did you get that information? And I said "I investigated it on the web" and she reacted with a gesture like saying "I don't believe it".

This is the Video Series I am referring to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gtGWSxfiFeE

A week passed and "N"'’s Boyfriend (B), said: Pablo, you always say that it's important to question things, but the other day you mentioned something about Jesus and you didn't mention the source where you get the information. Do you question your beliefs?

I explained what beliefs are and that sometimes there's information that makes lots of sense to me because it is commonsense, but it's a process. It's not about saying "ok, 1, 2, 3 now, I am going to question everything" from a Rebel starting point.
 
The conversation was pretty interesting and I never thought I could be having these chats and about these topics that are common within all of us.

It was cool to see his eyes open wide with some stuff I mentioned. It was like he was listening and understanding what I was saying. It was like he, listening to me for the first time lol.

I can't tell that my reactions within the lunchtime scenario have completely changed, but it has somehow. It's a process that I am enjoying because I am developing intimacy with the people in my environment, especially with my mom, because we have been communicating about fears, memories and reactions and when I tell her about it, she goes like "that happens to me too!". She is really open to share her experiences, so I feel that as long as I support myself, I am going to be prepared to support her and all the people willing to change.

Thanks to the Desteni tools I have learned how to really communicate with people and how to change my reactions when I feel uncomfortable in order to take self-responsibility and contribute to the construction of a commonsensical communication that will support others realize that they can change their own self-definitions, fears, reactions and judgment.


lunes, 10 de noviembre de 2014

Part VII: The Endless Cycle of Complaining at Lunchtime (Day 51)

Here I am going to walk through self-forgiveness a statement that I heard from a being with whom I react within myself when he expresses himself at lunchtime. Actually this whole series is about the reactions I experience when giving different points of view in the family scenario. 

I heard "B" - according to what I perceived - reacting in a rude manner towards my mom. Just the same say "N" does. Just the same way I used to do in the past.

I heard/saw his reaction when mom was telling him something and I thought, "That's rude. What's wrong with this guy? Who the fuck does he think he is?”

I started reacting angrily within myself, especially because "M" and "D" didn't say anything. That's when I asked him: Do you usually react angrily? Or is it just the way you are? (Because he is from another country, so probably the way they express is different to ours". - Before expressing myself I made sure not to be rude, because I really wanted to get to know him better instead of make my mind become full of assumptions.

He answered: "in a few words, I would say that stupid people make me react angrily, so when I say something towards them, I am cruel and want to harm them with my words, because they don't seem to understand. For instance when I am at university and have to work in groups, I turn all my classmates' laptops off, because I do not
accept that they are not paying attention".

I said: I can tell that it is more effective to use other methods when one wants to teach people. For instance, love/affection, because it's better when you create a connection/comprehension with people and so what you want to teach becomes more meaningful. It's not necessary to impose one's beliefs, because that can be perceived as violent/aggressive and create the opposite result. 

So, in self-honesty I can say that what affects him has also affected me and sometimes still affects me. When people don't seem to understand, I get angry and I want to finish the "conversation" as soon as possible. That's why I would like to apply self-forgiveness within this point. It's going to help me understand myself better and I could support this guy understand and change his behavior if he is willing to. But, I decided to start with self first, because the change starts within.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react angrily when a person does not understand what I am saying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge those people that seem to not understand what I say, defining them as "stupid" and thinking "I am wasting my time with this stupid people. It's not worth".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change my behavior when not being understood by others, wanting to finish as soon as possible, because I am not able to walk that situation in self-trust and self-comprehension.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to hit those people when do not understand what I am saying, just the way "D" did with me in the past when I was a kid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that fighting people is the way they are going to stop being the way they are.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that as I can't fight people nowadays, I have to use another method: harming them with my words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that when I become angry it's not people that are "stupid", it's actually me for being an obedient slave of my reactions in those situations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that what it has to change is not a person that doesn't understand me, it's about the way I communicate with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that if I react always the same with people that don't seem to understand what I say it's because I am not changing, I am just reacting the same over and over again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to apply this method of harming other people with my words only with people that are within my comfort zone, because I already know I can abuse them. 

I wouldn't apply this method with a girl I am just meeting (for instance), so this becomes a habit of polarity; the ones that I can abuse and the ones that I can't abuse due to the interests I may have behind. I wouldn't also react like this with my bosses, because I define them as equal to me or even as "superiors". Therefore, I can say this attitude/behavior belongs to a coward persona.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that I abuse the people that I know they are not going to say anything, unconsciously defining them as "inferiors".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take advantage of this "authority persona" that applies brutal force towards others to make them understand they are wrong and that they have to change without changing myself first.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that I am on being one and equal with those people that I have defined as "inferior", because in some fields I define my self as in-fear-ior, for instance when I do not want to speak in public because I have compared myself with them and I think "I am not able to express myself as them".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that if I needed to understand something hard, I would like to be taught from affection/comprehension/love so as to enjoy the process of learning. I wouldn't like to be treated as a person that doesn't deserve anything because he is an "ignorant" that doesn't understand a shit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that I am not my reactions, reactions are not the "who I am", it's just a pre-programming and the real "who I am" - the physical - can direct self without remaining as a slave of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that if I define people as "inferior" or "stupid" for not understanding an idea, it's because I fear being like that, that's why I throw all the shit out towards them while being in my comfort zone.

When and as I see myself reacting angrily towards people that don't seem to understand what I am saying, I stop and breathe. 

I realize that imposing my beliefs is not going to create an actual change, because I can personally say that the only thing that bad words or hits towards me in the past created was FEAR instead of comprehension as communication, because if you don't know what 1+1 is, fighting you is not going to make you realize it, I have to grasp why is it that a person does not understand, what he/she understand from my words and finally create an agreement in which we are all happy. 

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I realize I am becoming angry when trying to say something and having people that don't understand my point of view, in order to enhance the way I express myself, because if I usually have people don't understanding me, it might be me the one that has to change, not them and if I define them as "stupid" it's because I am being stupid for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I have to change that behavior so as to express myself in common sense and bring a solution for all, not only an imposition of my beliefs.