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Part VII: The Endless Cycle of Complaining at Lunchtime (Day 51)

Here I am going to walk through self-forgiveness a statement that I heard from a being with whom I react within myself when he expresses himself at lunchtime. Actually this whole series is about the reactions I experience when giving different points of view in the family scenario. 

I heard "B" - according to what I perceived - reacting in a rude manner towards my mom. Just the same say "N" does. Just the same way I used to do in the past.

I heard/saw his reaction when mom was telling him something and I thought, "That's rude. What's wrong with this guy? Who the fuck does he think he is?”

I started reacting angrily within myself, especially because "M" and "D" didn't say anything. That's when I asked him: Do you usually react angrily? Or is it just the way you are? (Because he is from another country, so probably the way they express is different to ours". - Before expressing myself I made sure not to be rude, because I really wanted to get to know him better instead of make my mind become full of assumptions.

He answered: "in a few words, I would say that stupid people make me react angrily, so when I say something towards them, I am cruel and want to harm them with my words, because they don't seem to understand. For instance when I am at university and have to work in groups, I turn all my classmates' laptops off, because I do not
accept that they are not paying attention".

I said: I can tell that it is more effective to use other methods when one wants to teach people. For instance, love/affection, because it's better when you create a connection/comprehension with people and so what you want to teach becomes more meaningful. It's not necessary to impose one's beliefs, because that can be perceived as violent/aggressive and create the opposite result. 

So, in self-honesty I can say that what affects him has also affected me and sometimes still affects me. When people don't seem to understand, I get angry and I want to finish the "conversation" as soon as possible. That's why I would like to apply self-forgiveness within this point. It's going to help me understand myself better and I could support this guy understand and change his behavior if he is willing to. But, I decided to start with self first, because the change starts within.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react angrily when a person does not understand what I am saying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge those people that seem to not understand what I say, defining them as "stupid" and thinking "I am wasting my time with this stupid people. It's not worth".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change my behavior when not being understood by others, wanting to finish as soon as possible, because I am not able to walk that situation in self-trust and self-comprehension.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to hit those people when do not understand what I am saying, just the way "D" did with me in the past when I was a kid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that fighting people is the way they are going to stop being the way they are.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that as I can't fight people nowadays, I have to use another method: harming them with my words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that when I become angry it's not people that are "stupid", it's actually me for being an obedient slave of my reactions in those situations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that what it has to change is not a person that doesn't understand me, it's about the way I communicate with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that if I react always the same with people that don't seem to understand what I say it's because I am not changing, I am just reacting the same over and over again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to apply this method of harming other people with my words only with people that are within my comfort zone, because I already know I can abuse them. 

I wouldn't apply this method with a girl I am just meeting (for instance), so this becomes a habit of polarity; the ones that I can abuse and the ones that I can't abuse due to the interests I may have behind. I wouldn't also react like this with my bosses, because I define them as equal to me or even as "superiors". Therefore, I can say this attitude/behavior belongs to a coward persona.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that I abuse the people that I know they are not going to say anything, unconsciously defining them as "inferiors".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take advantage of this "authority persona" that applies brutal force towards others to make them understand they are wrong and that they have to change without changing myself first.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that I am on being one and equal with those people that I have defined as "inferior", because in some fields I define my self as in-fear-ior, for instance when I do not want to speak in public because I have compared myself with them and I think "I am not able to express myself as them".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that if I needed to understand something hard, I would like to be taught from affection/comprehension/love so as to enjoy the process of learning. I wouldn't like to be treated as a person that doesn't deserve anything because he is an "ignorant" that doesn't understand a shit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that I am not my reactions, reactions are not the "who I am", it's just a pre-programming and the real "who I am" - the physical - can direct self without remaining as a slave of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that if I define people as "inferior" or "stupid" for not understanding an idea, it's because I fear being like that, that's why I throw all the shit out towards them while being in my comfort zone.

When and as I see myself reacting angrily towards people that don't seem to understand what I am saying, I stop and breathe. 

I realize that imposing my beliefs is not going to create an actual change, because I can personally say that the only thing that bad words or hits towards me in the past created was FEAR instead of comprehension as communication, because if you don't know what 1+1 is, fighting you is not going to make you realize it, I have to grasp why is it that a person does not understand, what he/she understand from my words and finally create an agreement in which we are all happy. 

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I realize I am becoming angry when trying to say something and having people that don't understand my point of view, in order to enhance the way I express myself, because if I usually have people don't understanding me, it might be me the one that has to change, not them and if I define them as "stupid" it's because I am being stupid for not seeing, realizing and understanding that I have to change that behavior so as to express myself in common sense and bring a solution for all, not only an imposition of my beliefs. 

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