miércoles, 17 de diciembre de 2014

The Girl of my Dreams (Day 58)

This is a continuation of a post I wrote some months ago called “The Falling in Love Feeling” where I basically mentioned how my mind and physical expression behaved/changed when meeting a new girl and knowing that I had a very short time to “do something” with her. 

Well, that happened last March and after we met for the first time I never saw her again and that experience led me into thoughts and regret, especially when I remembered that she said “I wish you could stay longer”, perceiving that I should have said “ok, even though I have to go back to my city in 30 more minutes, I will stay here to spend the night with you”. 

I have pictured in my mind how that could have been and then I tell myself “fucking idiot, why didn’t you do that!” lol.

Well, this girl mentioned that she didn’t have Facebook and as I didn’t want to look desperate, I didn’t ask her telephone number.

Some other months passed and I contacted a friend of hers. That friend replied like 5 months later and the point here is that this girl - the girl of my dreams lol - answered me something like “I’ve just seen the message, my friend showed it to me, this my number, I will be expecting any sign from you”.

Now, I have been aware of my mind and I can tell that I am projecting. I am using my imagination a lot. It’s like I am thinking about how/when we can meet again and thinking of how I should act, what should I say, what I shouldn’t say, etc, etc ,etc and then I tell myself “stop!”.

I realize that I am placing expectations on a possible scenario that is not real yet and when imagining it, I react with this “hope feeling” where I see happiness everywhere lol.

Within this, I realize that I don’t really know this girl. Being with her for a couple of hours does not constitute a real comprehension towards another human being, that’s why me -   as the mind - try to fulfill the lack of information from her with imaginations which leads me to placing some non-existent traits upon her and that is creating a bubble full of fantasies and expectations that has nothing to do with reality. Instead of being open and go slowly but surely, I am creating/manifesting my own possession towards another human being.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become happy and anxious when reading this girl’s reply and that she gave me her number to contact her.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that "I’ve just seen the message, my friend showed it to me, this my number, I will be expecting any sign from you” means that she wants to make out again and then, I react feeling like a winner when actually I haven’t won anything lol, I am actually losing myself due to the expectations I have created and then placed upon a being.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to place expectations and create fantasies with this person without being able to see her real expression.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to doubt about how I should be with this being, for instance the thoughts “should I say this? Should I call/text her now? Should I wait some days before calling/texting her in order to avoid looking like a desperate and present myself as an “interesting”/ “mysterious” being?

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that I have to adapt myself to a perfect personality in order to avoid making mistakes while being with a girl/human being and end up being perceived/considered as a desired person.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire to manipulate the situation, because all I am expecting/projecting is happiness and due to my imagination I am creating the whole plan based on how I should/shouldn’t behave.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear expressing myself as who I am in every moment, especially with some specific beings.

When and as I see myself projecting through my imagination and full filling this human being with how I think she must be and how I would like everything to be, I stop and breathe. I realize that in doing so, I am limiting myself as the mind without being clear enough in order to go slowly but surely. I also realize that these projections are not real, therefore I am only participating in a self -created illusion instead of living reality as every moment as who I am.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when realizing that the anxiety is emerging from and as myself, so as to stabilize myself and be able to direct myself in common sense. 

I commit myself to stop projecting/imagining traits upon this person, because I see, realize and understand that in doing do, I am pre-judging this person and creating a belief that has nothing to do with her real self.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I find myself planning how I should act to get what I want and bring myself back here to see reality with no mind.

I see that the “love feeling” inhibits me from expressing the way I am, the real self, because I end up so possessed by the feeling, projecting desires through imagination that I plan how to change my personality in order to get what I want.

I have been aware of this and stopping and breathing every time the energetic movement ignites within myself, but it was necessary to write it down.

I will continue in my next post 

Part III - The Panopticism: Enslavement and Fear (Day 57)

What I can identify from my previous posts are the following points: 

1) The constant thoughts/backchats when waking up that lead me to desire not to go to work, BUT it’s not about work in itself, it’s about me wanting to sleep more, because I like my job.

2) When being late I keep thinking and picturing different mind scenarios in which I see myself giving explanations/excuses and before that happens I react with anger towards the authority, because I don’t like giving explanations, because I perceive that as a submissive act that makes me feel in-FEAR-ior.

3) The constant accumulation of information that makes me think that the authority has no idea about self-commitment and that they speak about commitment and judge other people for not being committed enough but they are not committed with themselves, which activates this Fearful Rebel Character within myself. Rebel, because I know when/how to go out of the norm, but at the same time I am not self-responsible enough, because I haven’t taken responsibility over my own thoughts/backchats, which makes me go into constant loops or patterns that could be stopped.

4) There is also the point of blame, because I haven’t taken self-responsibility over my thoughts/backchats. I just continue participating within them and then I just go and blame the authority, because that’s where the rebel character ends and the only way of trespassing is through communication; effective communication. Not judgment and blame, because what I can see here is that there are some people in the world that give up and leave their jobs as if their job was to blame lol. What you have to change is your mind, not your job.

So, here I go with the deconstruction process:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be manipulated by my thoughts every time that I have to wake up and go to work, thinking that I don’t want to go there, that I am tired and that it’s enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep feeding my mind as thoughts/backchats even when driving to work, imagining different scenarios, different excuses and then I end up feeling frustrated for not being able to just depend on myself and I react with anger towards the authority as if they were to blame or the reason why I am not changing my mind patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that the authority has to do with the constant patterns that I experience every time that I have to wake up without seeing, realizing and understanding that the thoughts/backchats/reactions are allowed by myself and it’s up to me to say “stop!” and be able to take self-responsibility to change those patterns, to physically move myself and make a difference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am better than the authority because they have written on a piece of paper that I have to be more committed, thinking, believing and perceiving that they are just robots that are not capable of seeing beyond their mind constructs and that they just judge their employees under certain principles without knowing what they really mean.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work an effective communication with the authority, because I could just speak as who I am without fearing being judged or simply anticipate to the situation and say “tomorrow the class I have to teach is not coming because they have a trip, is it possible to arrive later tomorrow?” and test what happens.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my behavior when arriving late to work, because it’s like this apathy builds upon fear that goes in my mind: “I did something wrong/out of the norm and I don’t care about what you think and if you want to tell me something just come and I will teach you what self-commitment is”, but that would be a mind possession as a reaction from fear, anger and frustration that could be directed more effectively if I dare to change my mind patterns instead of wanting and needing to change my job lol and start speaking shit behind my colleagues'/bosses’ back as if blaming them would be the solution to self-change lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to give up and not trying/doing my best, first taking responsibility of my mind, do something different in order to change my own self-enslavement and then see what happens. In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain stuck within and as my mind with no self-responsibility, no self-direction, and no self-physical movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed my mind with these perceptions about the relationship between Employee and Boss, just assuming that for being a Boss you are a person that perceives yourself as a powerful being that only wants to abuse employees defining them as inferior/not committed beings.

When and as I see myself going into these constant thoughts/backchats while trying to wake up, I stop and breathe. I realize that my participation in those thoughts/backchats will activate the rest of the story that has been functioning the same for a long period of time, because it works like this: thoughts/backchats, being late, driving to get to work while preparing excuses, then frustration that lead me to blame the authority and finally I activate this Fearful Rebel Character that knows how fucked up the system is without taking self-responsibility of SELF first and just going into the most abused action of blaming the authority and the system.

I commit myself to stop and breath when waking up and my thoughts/backchats start running in my head in order to face that moment, being clear, no thoughts, no reactions, as the real self.

I commit myself to get to know people instead of just go and tag them because they are the authority. 

I commit myself to work on my communication with the authority in order to speak as who I am when I want to talk to them or in case they approach me to say something.

I commit myself to stop feeling superior because I think, believe and perceive that the authority has no idea about the real meaning of the word “commitment”, so as to change myself first and then, become an example as my own self-expression towards my environment, without reacting within and as fear for being judged due to the way I am and the way my utmost potential can become as me.

As a conclusion, if I see that there are people that do not know the difference between commitment and self-commitment, I should do the following instead of blaming them; investigate in self-honesty the difference between Enslavement at work v/s self-enslavement coming from my mind as thoughts/backchats and then see what happens.

martes, 16 de diciembre de 2014

Part II - The Panopticism: Enslavement and Fear (Day 56)

From my previous post: First, I have my energetic movements within and as myself and then the fear for being out of the norm; for not being a “responsible slave”.

So, the energetic movements manifest as thoughts like “I don’t want to go to work, it’s almost the end of the year and I am tired. This is enough”. It’s like me making the decision as an individual that it’s not necessary to continue going to work because I’m kind of done. But there are my bosses or the “authority” towards which I have developed this resistance when analyzing the “power” relationship between the Employee and the Boss.

I am going to mention an anecdote that happened to me during this year:

On Thursdays I work from 8 am to 4 pm, but from 8 to 9:30 I don’t have to teach. That space within my schedule is called dwell time and it’s basically used for planning the lessons, checking tests, preparing some material, etc. or if there’s any teacher that couldn’t go to work, I have to cover him/her. So, when it was Thursday I was like “it’s not really important for me to be there. I can sleep more and just arrive to work at 9:30”, but the norm says that I have to be there at 8 am”. So, I went into these constant patterns every Thursday and there were some Thursdays that I arrived at 9:30 and nobody noticed it, but as it became a habit I ended up being caught/noticed. That’s when one of my bosses approached me and asked “Pablo, what happened?” and sometimes I said that I fell asleep, that I didn’t feel well…excuses basically. He said, “it’s okay but let me know when you are going to arrive late”. He reacted very “kindly”, but I kept repeating the pattern for a few Thursdays. That’s when I started feeling “observed”. Like too much attention on that teacher that "is not doing what he is supposed to".

The point is that I haven’t left my students alone, because I know when/how to “break the rules” in order to not compromise their learning process.

I sometimes stay longer at work and nobody says anything, for instance “I congratulate you for working extra hours knowing that you won’t receive an extra payment”, but when you go “out of the norm” they immediately go and tell you something. I am not saying that I expect that. It's just funny how it only tends to rely on one side of the polarity equation.

So, today I kind of did the same: The grade I had to teach from 8 to 9:30 had a trip, so they didn’t come to school, so I knew I could “break the law”. I don’t know whether I was noticed or not, but I arrived at 8:30 and nobody has said anything to me. But, while I was driving to get here I was participating within my backchats “why do I have to give explanations? I mean, I know I have to be there at 8, but the grade I have to teach is not going to be there, plus this week is the last week of classes because by next Friday they will have the summer break, therefore not many students are coming anyways”. 

I have been developing this resistance towards the power relationships where I kind of perceive that the bosses sometimes think that you should be grateful for being hired, because they do us a favor for giving us the money to buy our food in order to survive lol, but within myself I know when/how to be “out of the norm” and I feel obligated to have a good excuse in order to avoid being too confrontational and just assume the submissive role, because if it was up to me and I were told “Pablo, what happened? You are late again”, I would just say “I know, but the grade I have to teach is not here, therefore I am capable of making my own decisions. I am not trying to make fun of your authority, but I think that I have the skills to decide”, BUT there is the norm and sometimes when we are honest, we are perceived as rebels, and probably being honest is an act of rebellion; a self-rebellion that does not come from chaos, but self-comprehension, self-honesty and self-love.

Now, a few months we, as teachers and bosses had a coaching with activities related to empathy, teamwork, etc. And we were all sat forming a circle. There was this activity within which we had to write our names on a piece of paper and pass it around. This piece had three categories: what I like from you, what I don’t like from you, and what you should improve. So when I got my piece of paper back it said “be more committed” within the “you should improve” section. I counted the lines (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) and the comment coincided with amount of people that were next to me, so the comment came from my bosses (who were from 4 to 6 people next to me). That’s when I started thinking “what is commitment?” and I ended up with the following conclusion:

What your bosses will see from your “commitment” is what is only visible, quantifiable based on what they see which is only a small part of your job as a teacher, because they do not know the relationships we create with students, the material we prepare, etc., therefore, what they can say about your commitment is only what they have defined as commitment. They haven't probably made a distinction between commitment v/s self-commitment, so it’s easy to just categorize employees according to your selfish, limited and ignorant vision of such a huge principle as commitment, because that will lead us to say: he is a "good worker" or he is a "bad worker", which is very poor and limited.

So, I know this happens and I have to learn how to live with it. But, the point is that I become nervous and anxious when being in front of them. Like with this fear of being judged for the way I am, because I understand the system is all fucked up, but many people/bosses just accept it as the truth to be followed/embraced.

How does this fear manifest within myself? I avoid having contact with my bosses, for instance, today I arrived late. I have seen them but I haven’t said hi to them or shake hands as usual lol. It’s like I am expecting them to approach me, therefore I am automatically assuming the guilty/victim/slave character even from my body language. I know that I shouldn’t feel guilty and if guilt is manifesting within myself is an indicator that I am not being effective in my application; there are specific points/characters that I have to open up, for instance The Fearful Rebel Character.

I will continue

lunes, 1 de diciembre de 2014

The Panopticism: Enslavement and Fear (Day 55)

Here I will walk through self-forgiveness some thoughts/backchats that activate everytime I have to wake up, get up and go to work.

The thoughts/backchats I experience are “I wanna sleep more, I don’t wanna go, I won’t be able to do my job appropriately because I feel it’s Sunday and not Monday, I would rather be enjoying the weekend again. I can’t believe I will be teaching in one more hour”

The point is that I have missed some days and I have resorted to excuses like “I’m sick. I’m afraid I can’t go today”. I don’t like “lying”, but I don’t think bosses would like to hear “Hi, I’m not in the mood to go to work, so I am not going today, bye”.

I am not writing this from the perspective that I have to be a good citizen that goes to work and accomplish all his responsibilities, because I understand that the educational system and its whole structure is the depiction of a prison, where the institution owns your body; they tell you how much time you will be there, when to have lunch, when to have breaks, etc. You are not free; therefore the chains nowadays are not visible as in the past.

And there exists this Panopticon within and as all human beings’ minds as surveillance to then punish everyone who dares to go out of the norm.

That’s when I start feeling “bad” for not being “responsible” enough, for not doing what my verdict dictates. I experience fear for being judged, especially when I have to ask for permission or some favors at work, for instance: leaving work earlier. It’s like I have conditioned myself as the prisoner who is under surveillance within this inferior position, for defining myself as going out of the norm.

I understand that I must not be afraid of losing my job, because I don’t want fear to direct my life. I understand that I can miss some days and it’s me the one who directs self. The point here is that if I am too tired (physically), because I didn’t sleep well, it’s my decision whether I go to work or not.

What it’s interesting is the thoughts that lead me to that decision and when they become a habit based on energy, it’s when I have to stop myself.

First, I have my energetic movements within and as myself and then, the fear for being out of the norm for not being a “responsible slave”.

I will continue in my next post...

Don't Cry (Day 54)

Within one of my previous posts I mentioned how I have been developing a different kind of communication with the people in my environment in order to construct common sense understanding and be able to support others through supporting myself.

Today I was having lunch and as I was saying something about the family context "M" started crying. She said that I had mentioned a point that she has been dealing with.

As I am involved within this point, this mean I am responsible as self, as one that constitutes to the construction and the denouement through my daily participation.

"M" feels that what she does is not valued/appreciated because of the way I/we behave. 

She mentioned some actions that could make this situation different if often done, for instance sharing more time together, giving a call if I'm not coming home, buy some stuff when necessary, etc.

What "M" mentioned was kind of the conclusion she has after thinking and thinking about it.

The point here is that I don't want to compromise my "independence" and/or be manipulated. Manipulated not from an evil perspective of having control over someone and make him/her do what one wants. I would like to see in common sense how I can contribute to a re-definition of a family/social structure without involving feelings, emotions and thoughts, because if I feel guilty for being part of the reason why "M" was crying, I could end up doing something perceived/understood as "right", but creating the opposite, because I wouldn't be "helping" / "supporting" someone, but only making her fears remain asleep, but not released.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that in doing something someone is asking me in order to make things better/different I am going to be losing my "independence".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define independence as someone that is not responsible for what happens to other people.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that I could end up being manipulated for doing something "good" for "M".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see, realize and understand that "M" crying is an indicator of a situation that must be addressed in common sense, leaving emotions, feelings and thoughts apart, because if I would accept and allow myself to let my mind direct me within this scenario, I would probably end up crying and blaming others for the way I am, experiencing frustration, guilt and sorrow.

When and as I see myself believing that what I can do could make me a slave of a person that needs support, I stop and breathe. I realize that there are things that I haven't really considered or if I have thought of them, I haven't physically moved myself to make it something real and in doing them I am not going to be a slave. In this, I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that in doing something a person is asking I am going to become inferior and subject.

I commit myself to re-consider the points I have considered as something that can be done but that I haven't due to laziness and lack of initiative.

I commit myself to support myself within this point of my participation within the family context so as to walk myself through those actions that are never done that can make a change in other people's lives and, in this, I commit myself to support myself through self-writing the reactions that emerge when I do what I have been suggested and thus, be able to share my experience through communication and make others learn what I have walked through self-responsibility as the starting point.

I commit myself to support "M" through my self-expression when becoming emotional/possessed in order to help her identify the points that trigger those emotions/thoughts, placing them within myself and learn how to release them so she can do it as well.