Part III - The Panopticism: Enslavement and Fear (Day 57)

What I can identify from my previous posts are the following points: 

1) The constant thoughts/backchats when waking up that lead me to desire not to go to work, BUT it’s not about work in itself, it’s about me wanting to sleep more, because I like my job.

2) When being late I keep thinking and picturing different mind scenarios in which I see myself giving explanations/excuses and before that happens I react with anger towards the authority, because I don’t like giving explanations, because I perceive that as a submissive act that makes me feel in-FEAR-ior.

3) The constant accumulation of information that makes me think that the authority has no idea about self-commitment and that they speak about commitment and judge other people for not being committed enough but they are not committed with themselves, which activates this Fearful Rebel Character within myself. Rebel, because I know when/how to go out of the norm, but at the same time I am not self-responsible enough, because I haven’t taken responsibility over my own thoughts/backchats, which makes me go into constant loops or patterns that could be stopped.

4) There is also the point of blame, because I haven’t taken self-responsibility over my thoughts/backchats. I just continue participating within them and then I just go and blame the authority, because that’s where the rebel character ends and the only way of trespassing is through communication; effective communication. Not judgment and blame, because what I can see here is that there are some people in the world that give up and leave their jobs as if their job was to blame lol. What you have to change is your mind, not your job.

So, here I go with the deconstruction process:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be manipulated by my thoughts every time that I have to wake up and go to work, thinking that I don’t want to go there, that I am tired and that it’s enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep feeding my mind as thoughts/backchats even when driving to work, imagining different scenarios, different excuses and then I end up feeling frustrated for not being able to just depend on myself and I react with anger towards the authority as if they were to blame or the reason why I am not changing my mind patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that the authority has to do with the constant patterns that I experience every time that I have to wake up without seeing, realizing and understanding that the thoughts/backchats/reactions are allowed by myself and it’s up to me to say “stop!” and be able to take self-responsibility to change those patterns, to physically move myself and make a difference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am better than the authority because they have written on a piece of paper that I have to be more committed, thinking, believing and perceiving that they are just robots that are not capable of seeing beyond their mind constructs and that they just judge their employees under certain principles without knowing what they really mean.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not work an effective communication with the authority, because I could just speak as who I am without fearing being judged or simply anticipate to the situation and say “tomorrow the class I have to teach is not coming because they have a trip, is it possible to arrive later tomorrow?” and test what happens.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my behavior when arriving late to work, because it’s like this apathy builds upon fear that goes in my mind: “I did something wrong/out of the norm and I don’t care about what you think and if you want to tell me something just come and I will teach you what self-commitment is”, but that would be a mind possession as a reaction from fear, anger and frustration that could be directed more effectively if I dare to change my mind patterns instead of wanting and needing to change my job lol and start speaking shit behind my colleagues'/bosses’ back as if blaming them would be the solution to self-change lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to give up and not trying/doing my best, first taking responsibility of my mind, do something different in order to change my own self-enslavement and then see what happens. In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain stuck within and as my mind with no self-responsibility, no self-direction, and no self-physical movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed my mind with these perceptions about the relationship between Employee and Boss, just assuming that for being a Boss you are a person that perceives yourself as a powerful being that only wants to abuse employees defining them as inferior/not committed beings.

When and as I see myself going into these constant thoughts/backchats while trying to wake up, I stop and breathe. I realize that my participation in those thoughts/backchats will activate the rest of the story that has been functioning the same for a long period of time, because it works like this: thoughts/backchats, being late, driving to get to work while preparing excuses, then frustration that lead me to blame the authority and finally I activate this Fearful Rebel Character that knows how fucked up the system is without taking self-responsibility of SELF first and just going into the most abused action of blaming the authority and the system.

I commit myself to stop and breath when waking up and my thoughts/backchats start running in my head in order to face that moment, being clear, no thoughts, no reactions, as the real self.

I commit myself to get to know people instead of just go and tag them because they are the authority. 

I commit myself to work on my communication with the authority in order to speak as who I am when I want to talk to them or in case they approach me to say something.

I commit myself to stop feeling superior because I think, believe and perceive that the authority has no idea about the real meaning of the word “commitment”, so as to change myself first and then, become an example as my own self-expression towards my environment, without reacting within and as fear for being judged due to the way I am and the way my utmost potential can become as me.

As a conclusion, if I see that there are people that do not know the difference between commitment and self-commitment, I should do the following instead of blaming them; investigate in self-honesty the difference between Enslavement at work v/s self-enslavement coming from my mind as thoughts/backchats and then see what happens.