This is a continuation of a post I wrote some months ago called “The Falling in Love Feeling” where I basically mentioned how my mind and physical expression behaved/changed when meeting a new girl and knowing that I had a very short time to “do something” with her.
Well, that happened last March and after we met for the first time I never saw her again and that experience led me into thoughts and regret, especially when I remembered that she said “I wish you could stay longer”, perceiving that I should have said “ok, even though I have to go back to my city in 30 more minutes, I will stay here to spend the night with you”.
I have pictured in my mind how that could have been and then I tell myself “fucking idiot, why didn’t you do that!” lol.
Well, this girl mentioned that she didn’t have Facebook and as I didn’t want to look desperate, I didn’t ask her telephone number.
Some other months passed and I contacted a friend of hers. That friend replied like 5 months later and the point here is that this girl - the girl of my dreams lol - answered me something like “I’ve just seen the message, my friend showed it to me, this my number, I will be expecting any sign from you”.
Now, I have been aware of my mind and I can tell that I am projecting. I am using my imagination a lot. It’s like I am thinking about how/when we can meet again and thinking of how I should act, what should I say, what I shouldn’t say, etc, etc ,etc and then I tell myself “stop!”.
I realize that I am placing expectations on a possible scenario that is not real yet and when imagining it, I react with this “hope feeling” where I see happiness everywhere lol.
Within this, I realize that I don’t really know this girl. Being with her for a couple of hours does not constitute a real comprehension towards another human being, that’s why me - as the mind - try to fulfill the lack of information from her with imaginations which leads me to placing some non-existent traits upon her and that is creating a bubble full of fantasies and expectations that has nothing to do with reality. Instead of being open and go slowly but surely, I am creating/manifesting my own possession towards another human being.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become happy and anxious when reading this girl’s reply and that she gave me her number to contact her.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that "I’ve just seen the message, my friend showed it to me, this my number, I will be expecting any sign from you” means that she wants to make out again and then, I react feeling like a winner when actually I haven’t won anything lol, I am actually losing myself due to the expectations I have created and then placed upon a being.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to place expectations and create fantasies with this person without being able to see her real expression.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to doubt about how I should be with this being, for instance the thoughts “should I say this? Should I call/text her now? Should I wait some days before calling/texting her in order to avoid looking like a desperate and present myself as an “interesting”/ “mysterious” being?
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that I have to adapt myself to a perfect personality in order to avoid making mistakes while being with a girl/human being and end up being perceived/considered as a desired person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire to manipulate the situation, because all I am expecting/projecting is happiness and due to my imagination I am creating the whole plan based on how I should/shouldn’t behave.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear expressing myself as who I am in every moment, especially with some specific beings.
When and as I see myself projecting through my imagination and full filling this human being with how I think she must be and how I would like everything to be, I stop and breathe. I realize that in doing so, I am limiting myself as the mind without being clear enough in order to go slowly but surely. I also realize that these projections are not real, therefore I am only participating in a self -created illusion instead of living reality as every moment as who I am.
I commit myself to stop and breathe when realizing that the anxiety is emerging from and as myself, so as to stabilize myself and be able to direct myself in common sense.
I commit myself to stop projecting/imagining traits upon this person, because I see, realize and understand that in doing do, I am pre-judging this person and creating a belief that has nothing to do with her real self.
I commit myself to stop and breathe when I find myself planning how I should act to get what I want and bring myself back here to see reality with no mind.
I see that the “love feeling” inhibits me from expressing the way I am, the real self, because I end up so possessed by the feeling, projecting desires through imagination that I plan how to change my personality in order to get what I want.
I have been aware of this and stopping and breathing every time the energetic movement ignites within myself, but it was necessary to write it down.
I will continue in my next post