Here I will walk through self-forgiveness some thoughts/backchats that activate everytime I have to wake up, get up and go to work.
The thoughts/backchats I experience are “I wanna sleep more, I don’t wanna go, I won’t be able to do my job appropriately because I feel it’s Sunday and not Monday, I would rather be enjoying the weekend again. I can’t believe I will be teaching in one more hour”
The point is that I have missed some days and I have resorted to excuses like “I’m sick. I’m afraid I can’t go today”. I don’t like “lying”, but I don’t think bosses would like to hear “Hi, I’m not in the mood to go to work, so I am not going today, bye”.
I am not writing this from the perspective that I have to be a good citizen that goes to work and accomplish all his responsibilities, because I understand that the educational system and its whole structure is the depiction of a prison, where the institution owns your body; they tell you how much time you will be there, when to have lunch, when to have breaks, etc. You are not free; therefore the chains nowadays are not visible as in the past.
And there exists this Panopticon within and as all human beings’ minds as surveillance to then punish everyone who dares to go out of the norm.
That’s when I start feeling “bad” for not being “responsible” enough, for not doing what my verdict dictates. I experience fear for being judged, especially when I have to ask for permission or some favors at work, for instance: leaving work earlier. It’s like I have conditioned myself as the prisoner who is under surveillance within this inferior position, for defining myself as going out of the norm.
I understand that I must not be afraid of losing my job, because I don’t want fear to direct my life. I understand that I can miss some days and it’s me the one who directs self. The point here is that if I am too tired (physically), because I didn’t sleep well, it’s my decision whether I go to work or not.
What it’s interesting is the thoughts that lead me to that decision and when they become a habit based on energy, it’s when I have to stop myself.
First, I have my energetic movements within and as myself and then, the fear for being out of the norm for not being a “responsible slave”.
I will continue in my next post...