jueves, 31 de diciembre de 2015

It is Not WHAT you Say, It is THE WAY you Say it (Day 125)


The other day I went to a friend’s house to pick up some stuff and he was with some other friends as well. My staying there was supossed to be really short, but as they started playing music and then invited me a drink I stayed there a bit longer.

One of them had bought a new acoustic guitar so they wanted me to try it. So I started playing it and it sounded cool. Then I started playing a new song I made and suddenly one of the guys there said ‘you know, you could be cuter’. I took it as a joke so I said ‘yeah, but I would have to attach myself more to a stereotype’. This guy said ‘oh, you are too defensive. I was saying that in a nice way’.

Then the guitar owner said ‘you hit the guitar really hard’. I said ‘oh, sorry I often do it unconsciously. It’s because I am used to give it hard power chords and this song needs to go like this because of the intention I want to give it’. He said ‘oh no, I am saying this because it is late and we don’t want my mom to come and tell us to stop’. I said ‘I thought you were referring to my technique lol’.

Then another guy said ‘I remember that a while ago we asked Pablo to take us in his car to buy some drugs and he just said no’. They started recalling that moment. It was three guys ‘against’ me now and this made me doubt my expression within communication in the past and so far.

Some weeks ago something similar had happened that I wrote in my post Personalities Dressed Like Self-Honesty, so I made a connection between both situations and I noticed how energy started building up within myself. Like ‘I am wrong. I am not doing it right. Am I expressing myself well?’.

Some days later I was talking with another friend. We were talking about relationships. I said ‘I am not the type of person that has problems with people. Actually when I was in highschool and college I got along well with everyone. Of course there are people with whom you hang out more but that does not mean that it’s because of a personal problem’. Then my friend said ‘really? But sometimes we can’t know that, because we could have said something that made people feel bad and we didn’t realize it’.

So, this got me thinking ‘Probably what my friend said to me the other day was true. I think I am doing it right but I am not. People won’t tell me in my face, but they will have opinions behind my back about how they perceive me through my expression’.

Okay, so what I am able to see here is that it is very easy to accumulate thoughts that create a whole ball of energy within ourselves so to speak. And this energy is being allowed to exists because of self-judgments, because instead of addressing this point I have gone into blame.

So, what I want to do here is to go step by step. I am going to bring the memories back here of when I was asked to take the guys in my car to buy drugs. I arrive and I see/hear the guys talking about drugs. It is late at night so there are no public transportation to get where they want to go. I am the only one that can apparently solve the ‘problem’. They ask me, they even offer me money for gas, but I say ‘no’. Why? Not because of a moral stance, but because I considered myself first. I have always in the past had a tendency to say ‘yes’, but this year I started working with saying ‘no’ as well. So, when they asked me I said ‘If I get up and get in my car will be to go home to sleep. I really don’t want to drive my car now. I am sorry guys’. They continued insisting but my answer was already ‘no’.

I talked to a friend about this point and he said that sometimes people expect us to say stuff in a certain way. Not necessarily politely but using some specific words and tonality that ‘protect’ us from sounding too ‘rough’.

So, here I can start working with other words and tonalities through first breathing and assessing what I am going to say and still have my ‘no’ there, because I can unconsciously switch my expression when I want/have to say ‘no’ and other beings may pay more attention to ‘the way’ I say it instead of ‘what’ I am saying.

With the ‘you could be cuter’ thing. I don’t really know why that guy said it, but I could have asked him ‘why’ before jumping in with a semi joke that was more of a fast reaction to kind of ‘get out’ of that moment, because within myself I was like ‘whaat?’. So probably this inner reaction was unconsciously manifested through my body language and facial expression and that’s why the guy said I was being defensive.

With the ‘playing the guitar hard’ thing. I usually play the guitar with another friend that plays the piano, so he has told me that sometimes I have to reduce my volume a bit in order to sound good, because if I am hitting the guitar hard, then he has to play harder and so on. That’s why I told my friend that I thought he was referring to my technique, because a few days before the way I play the guitar was addressed from a more technical approach.

With the ‘really? But sometimes we can’t know that, because we could have said something that made people feel bad and we didn’t realize it’ thing – I realize that I took it personal, as though my friend was trying to tell me in a subliminal way that what I was saying wasn’t so, because he ‘knew’ that some people thought I was not really nice.

Now – It’s not that I want to be ‘nicer’, because there will always be things one will say that people will take personally as well as I and everyone else have done. So, it is about me as the creator creating a creation free from energy which I won’t regret through experiencing blame later.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience blame after I have been told that I was not nice in the past because I said ‘no’, without realizing that the way I expressed my answer was the reason why I was doubtfull about my expression within communication and not the answer in itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel attacked when having people talking to me about my behavior in the past, instead of breathing, bringing myself back here and direct every single point in the moment without accumulating what I am hearing as thoughts and backchats that become my doubts and this idea of ‘I am wrong. I am not doing it right’ which is a polarity that keeps me trapped under my own acceptance and allowance through not directing myself effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach a comment from my past experience when perceiving that what I am being told is what I have thought, without making sure the other person and I are talking about the same exact thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that people sometimes want to tell me something using a subliminal way in order to not compromise themselves and others, without realizing that I can just ask and clarify my mind instead of holding onto the idea that I have created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate thoughts and backchats regarding a specific point and then create a whole idea/belief through using self-judgment and feeling bad about myself, instead of forgiving the thoughts and emotions in the exact moment I am creating the idea/belief about myself through interpretation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself as a sort of asperger guy who does not know how to express myself effectively, instead of realizing and understanding that I have the tools to deconstruct myself and re-define who I want to be and how I want to express myself in order to avoid unnecessary friction and contribute with the betterment of my self-expression in terms of communication out of unconscious energetic reactions that manifest through my physical expression and voice tonality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to change this point within myself because of the thought ’what if I am doing it right and they are the abusers that just don’t accept a No, no matter how nicely I tell them, because they have no idea about what is best for all, they just function within the principle of what’s best for ego’, without realizing that what I am doing here is just attaching myself to a thought/backchat without even first trying to physically and practically change myself through becoming aware of my expression in real time when having to face situations like this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay more attention to self-judgments and blame instead of deconstructing myself within those dimensions and start working with what I have here in my reality in order to see my potential and how I can get the best out of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself as a negative person when relating myself to X when defining him as a negative person that influenced in my life for always giving me bad feedbacks about myself and thus, now that becomes the belief/idea that I have duplicated his systems, in a sort of blaming instead of placing the being here within myself and forgive everything.

Self-Commitments

When and as I see myself having people talking to me about my behavior in the past and then I start experiencing blame through self-judgment, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am suppressing those points that’s why they accumulate and create a whole ball of energy within myself.

I commit myself to ask people for suggestions in the moment when they are approaching me, in terms of how they see it would have been better to direct those points in order to see beyond my own view and share perspectives to make sure whether they were just kidding or they really wanted to create a better understanding through equal communication.

I commit myself to investigate beyond my own interpretation through inviting people to share more about what they are saying to me so as to assess myself in relation to what’s going on or whether I have to just leave because I am just dealing with people on drugs that don’t dare to mention those topics sober and one by one.

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that I am an asperger guy who duplicates X’s behavior, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that those thoughts and beliefs are only judgments and judgments do not support self-change and self-trust in any way.

I commit myself to forgive myself within the aspects I judge myself, in terms of communication and self-expression in order to see the potential that exists within myself beyond the mind trap of self-judgment.


I commit myself to become more aware of my expression when I am talking with other beings in my reality so as to assess what I am going to say to create a creation out of energy, but in commonsense. 

jueves, 17 de diciembre de 2015

The Ex Moralist Guy & The Free Spirit Girl (Day 124)


Last night I met a friend and we started talking about ex girlfriends. This friend was a cool companion some years ago when I broke up with a girlfriend and I needed someone to talk to, so talking about girls, sex and those things is something I enjoy alot with him.

We were kind of doing a review of our ex girlfriends and how time has passed by. Many of them had children already and some others are currently pregnant. So, suddenly he says ‘Do you know what I heard from your ex?’ and I went ‘Nop. What happened?’. He said ‘Well, after you both broke up three years ago she started living la vida loca. Like going to lots of parties and those things’. I said ‘Yeah, that happens to most people. They break up and they start having sex with random people, getting drunk and thinking that in doing so they are going to overcome the pain/frustration they feel inside’. He then said ‘Well, your ex was having weird conversations with X and she was proposing to have a threesome with X and his girlfriend’.

After I heard that I noticed how I started feeling uncomfortable. I started feeling like the first time a friend told me that my ex was cheating on me, like a very deep anguish within myself. Then, my friend continued naming the guys my ex dated after our break up and also with whom he knew she had sex.

So, while I was listening to this information and feeling bad about it, I realized that what my friend was saying was something that he heard from X and X apparently had a chat with my ex so, I realized that it was more related to how he interpreted the chat. Then, I realized that I was also interpreting the information that my friend also interpreted from another interpretation and while I was listening to him I was in my mind picturing all he was saying, like in a movie, plus the activation of memories and suppressed emotions/thoughts that I had stored within my mind.

Even though I had judged this girl since the first moment I met her, I came to realize that I used to be a moralist. So, I told my friend ‘You know, girls - as well as men - want sex and if we had an active sexual life and suddenly we broke up, of course she wanted to have more sex...as well as we do. Now – I think she is a very open-minded girl, she is an artist and she lives her life in a certain way. So, the guy that is going to be her boyfriend in the future does not have to be a moralist who thinks that girls are part of his ownership, otherwise this girl is going to blow his mind, because he will feel jealous and things like that’.

Then, my friend mentioned that my ex’s current boyfriend – who is my friend’s friend - was not sure about having a ‘formal relationship’ with her when they first started dating, because he knew that she had had sex with many of his friends before him.

So, now I have been having a look at that very common pattern of wanting our partners to be as ‘pure’ as possible. Like, most males want to feel that they are 'unique' through being the only one who has had sex with a girl. And if we know someone who had sex with her before us one must feel jealous and/or feel like a fool. And this was exactly how I used to feel in the past and how I started to feel now in my present when my friend was telling me this new information. I was also kind of feeling pity for her, because I thought ‘Poor girl, I bet everyone thinks she is a slut for having sex with many guys. No one is going to take her seriously’.

Today I was thinking about it again and I started reacting with anger within myself, because I thought ‘Why did X mention that?’ Kind of judging X for gossiping behind my ex’s back. I then thought ‘Who do these guys think they are to judge a girl for what she decides to do with her body/vagina?’. And it is not that I reacted like that within myself because it is someone I know, it is because that person might be me and I wouldn’t like to be talked behind my back for the things I have done, because people do not realize/understand how a single statement/opinion can affect someone’s life. I understand that words are words and it is up to us to believe them or not, but most people take for granted what they hear and when those people are in hierarchical positions they can use their ‘power’ to ruin your life.

Why is it that we like talking behind people’s back, especially after we have had sex with a girl? I mean, I am not saying that we must not share our experiences, but we can share the experience without mentioning the girl’s name. We should first ask ourselves ‘Is what I want to say going to support that person?’ ,‘Why do I want to say it?’, ‘What’s the point behind it?’ So as to become responsible for the words we say and to avoid the fuck up opinions create on people’s minds, especially when they are not able to see beyond their programming.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have engaged in conversations that do not support human beings in any way whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel curious about a girl’s sexual life and thus, I accepted and allowed myself to take a ‘passive role’ in gossiping by listening to what I was being told and wanting to know more about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my mind to create a whole movie from what I am being told, where I give my characters different personalities and behaviors that create a whole alternate reality within my mind, without realizing that what I am seeing and understanding through using my imagination is only an interpretation that has nothing to do with how the real events happened in someone else’s life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anguish within myself when listening to a friend telling me about my ex girlfriend’s sexual life encounters after we broke up, because suppressed thoughts and emotions were automatically triggered and thus, I experienced myself in the same way I did in the past when someone told me that my ex was cheating on me.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the thought ‘Poor girl, I bet everyone thinks she is a slut for having sex with many guys. No one is going to take her seriously’ to exist within myself based on moral beliefs related to the moralist guy that thinks that a girl who has an active sexual life is a slut, without realizing that everyone is free to decide what to do with their sexual organs beyond gender.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger towards X when picturing him within my mind as a fat ass eating pizza and talking behind my ex’s back while enjoying his moral gossip through a smile and a ‘I know everything’ stance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with envy and desire when thinking ‘I wish I was part of that threesome. I didn’t know she had become that naughty’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge a human being as ‘naughty’ because they want to explore themselves out of the ‘normal’ way of having sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with desire to have sex with my ex girlfriend again because of the activation of memories where I saw myself being able to be completely sexually satisfied through the things we did together and now as I had more ‘dirty information’ about her I wanted to try the ‘new upgrades’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged my ex as a sexual object because of the way she behaved sexually with me and others based on the current gossip.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted with anguish as the negative side of the polarity when I heard the rumors about my ex and then with desire to have sex with her again as the positive side of the polarity, without realizing that I was participating in a mind fuck as the same cycle that I experienced when we were together where I hated her for being a ‘free spirit’ but at the same time wanting to keep her with me only because of the way I felt when having sex.

Self-Commitments

When and as I see myself listening to rumors about someone that I know and I start reacting emotionally within myself because I am creating a movie within my mind, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that those rumors are interpretations that create opinions and beliefs, therefore what I am creating within my mind is another interpretation that has nothing to do with the reality of the events.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I start using my imagination to understand what I am being told about someone so as to bring myself back here and to not accept and allow myself to participate in feelings and emotions, but instead direct myself in the moment towards using the topic as a way to encourage awareness among the participants through presenting other ways of approaching the same phenomenon in a way that supports everyone.

When and as I see myself judging human beings as naughty or sluts because of the way they want to explore sexuality, I stop and breathe. I realize that everyone is free to explore themselves as they want within sex and that as long as all the participants agree to do it, everyone else’s opinions are just judgments.

I commit myself to see human beings as who they are as one and equal instead of reacting towards the way they have decided to express themselves within sex.

When and as I see myself reacting with desire to have sex with my ex girlfriend, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that the desire is created based on memories from the past where I judged her as a slut/naughty girl because of the way she expressed herself within the sexual intercourse, in an attempt to compensate the negative emotions of jealousy, anguish and frustration existing within myself through getting the positive feeling through an orgasm.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when the desire to have sex with my ex girlfriend is activated, to ground myself here so as to stop my participation in the creation of the link between sex as physical expression v/s an alternate mind reality when thinking memories stored in my mind consciousness system where I see my ex girlfriend as an object instead of as a human being, one and equal.

lunes, 7 de diciembre de 2015

Personalities Dressed Like Self-Honesty (Day 123)


Okay, here I am going to open up a point that I have been resisting to explore through writing since last Friday. The story goes as it follows.

I had to play with my band and besides that I was in charge of the transportation, meaning, I carry all the equipment in my car. The gig finished and I asked my band mates to collaborate with taking our equipment outside while I was going to pick up my car that was parked two blocks away.

The gig was held in a bar downtown and the street where I had to stop the car to pick up all the equipment is a very busy street, so we had to move as fast as we could in order to not create a traffic jam.

I realized that our sound guy was – besides being drunk – talking too much before getting in the car. Plus, as he invited his girlfriend, a member of our band had to go home by foot, so this guy was ‘Oh, but you don’t live too far’. So, in one moment I judged him as a manipulative being who was acting out a personality.

Like an hour ago before leaving the bar the sound guy had asked me if I could drive him to a specific place to buy some stuff before going home and I agreed, but I forgot how many of us were going to require using my car. So, when I realized that our bass player had to go back home by foot and then listening to what the sound guy was saying to our bass player, plus feeling the pressure of ‘I don’t want to create a traffic jam. Hurry up!’ – I reacted in a way that I didn’t realize.

A band mate said ‘Hey, calm yourself down’. I didn’t ‘feel’ any energetic reaction within myself in that moment, and I don’t even remember exactly what I said to him after that. Probably, ‘I am fine’.

Then, the sound guy said ‘Guys, I would like to ask if you were able to listen well to what you were playing; the vocals, guitars..’ - and I suddenly said ‘Hey wait. Do you really think that we are going to be able to have a serious conversation right now while being wasted?’. Everyone stood quiet. No one said anything.

Ten minutes later, the same band mate that told me to calm myself down, said, ‘Pablo, I would like to ask you a question’, so I said ‘Go ahead’. He said ‘What you have just told our sound guy...would have you reacted in the same way if it was another person?’. At first all seemed a bit confusing, because I didn’t want to see that he was showing me that I had reacted, but as I apparently didn’t say what I said in any energetic reaction, I started questioning the way this guy was directing the point. He said that I sounded like Hitler with what I had said, because everyone stood quiet, so I said ‘You decided to stay quiet. I just brought up the point of: Do we really want to have a serious conversation if we are drunk?’. Then he said ‘But, you could have given him an opportunity, plus I wanted to listen to him’.

A few minutes later, the sound guy’s girlfriend said ‘Guys, stop arguing. I understand Pablo, because sometimes I don’t want to speak and people think I am angry, but that’s not the point’. Then, my band mate said ‘I know Pablo for many years, I know his patterns, so I am able to identify when he is reacting’. I said ‘You always say the same. You know, if you are able to identify my reactions and patterns it’s because those reactions are also existing within yourself, plus this is a personal process. Plus, I think that you over reacted to what I said to our sound guy’ - and he said ‘No, I didn’t’. 

Then I said ‘I am being self-honest when I say that I am not going to participate in a conversation wherein there are drunk people, plus I am also a bit drunk’, and he said, ‘You are not being self-honest. You always say that there are layers and layers within a specific point, so have a look at the previous events that created your reaction’.

The point is that I realized that I had reacted in a sort of unconscious way. How do I know that? because today I had a similar reaction. It is a reaction that happens in one moment where I become possessed by energy, the energy is a mixture of rage and excitement, like being in a rush. So, I hadn’t identified this reaction as a ‘reaction’, because the rage and excitement created a sort of adrenaline within myself that I haven’t called it either positive or negative. Interesting.

Now that this point opened up, I am able to see that this is also a pattern existing in some people in my family, especially when they are ‘protecting’ a point of view. Therefore, I realize that if I am reacting in adrenaline as a mixture of anger and excitement, then, it is a mechanism of defense. And mechanisms of defense activate when there exists fear, but as one naturalizes it, one does not see it as a reaction. It happens in an unconscious level.

What I also realize is that – as I mentioned before – as one naturalizes this sort of adrenaline, the reaction is not perceived as deliberate. So, what I see, realize and understand is that my self-awareness towards someone showing me that I had reacted, wasn’t being lived as who I am in that moment, because I was so sure that I hadn’t said what I said in a deliberate attempt to kind of  ‘harm’ someone, that I thought I hadn’t done anything ‘wrong’ so to speak.

Now – as I am able to see the pattern within past experiences, I realize that it happens when I lose my breathing, when I am not here. So, I abdicate responsibility to this unconscious energetic reaction/personality where my voice tonality changes and my words cut like daggers, without realizing that I could express myself and express the same point without necessarily participating in such a reactive expression – which was exactly what my friend/band mate wanted to show me.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize when I am participating in an energetic reaction when expressing myself, because I have lost my breathing and self-awareness due to unconsciously activate rage and excitement, which are two emotions that as they have been blended/upgraded within my mind consciousness system to become a sort of adrenaline when I express myself when being in a sort of rush - I never realized it contained a negative charge which original source is/was fear and thus, I abdicated responsibility by not wanting to look at that point through activating a self-defense mechanism by using the excuse that what I had said wasn’t a deliberate attempt to harm anyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to activate rage and excitement when being in a rush, because I fear making a mistake, therefore I become pushy and everything I say does not sound nice nor constructive, without realizing that in expressing myself while participating in such energetic reaction, I am more likely to create friction than comprehension.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to see the reactive point that was being shown in front of me and start questioning the way I was being approached, because the individual that opened up this point in that moment started with comparison, then labeling me as Hitler, therefore I didn’t allow myself to open up and embrace it, because I judged this being’s method of discussing, instead of having a look within myself whereas he was directing the point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my ego react when not wanting to see what I was being shown, because I didn’t want to say ‘You are right’, without realizing that it is not about being ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, but as I didn’t want this individual to think he was ‘right’ based on ego, I didn’t focus on the main point, but on his method/approach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that instead of judging the way I was being ‘confronted’, I could have focused on self-correction through breathing here, but as everytime I opened up a bit in front of everyone there, I felt I was being ‘attacked’ by this guy, so I replied that it was not only about me - mainly because my ego didn’t want to be placed in the inferior side of the polarity equation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach myself to this thought/backchat of ‘I will not let them win with their approach, because if I do so, they will believe that they are doing it right for the rest of their lives and they will not realize that there are other dimensions that are not being taken into consideration as a whole spectrum’, because I fear being taken by someone that I am not, so the only resource I have to sort of ‘opening their eyes while they are trying to open mine’ is through questioning their approach and let them know how they also react in the same way I do without realizing that this creates more and more friction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to understand that people have different ways of addressing a point and that it is not necessary to resist what they say when their starting point/intention is a solution, but being able to direct self and the conversation in a way that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in an energetic reaction of ‘Okay, if you want to tell me this, I will also tell you this and that’, while thinking and believing that that was going to create a point of equality between both individuals, without realizing that the energetic reaction is the manifestation of ego shutting the door in front of commonsense’s face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware of my breathing here in every moment, and just get distracted by external stimuli where I react like being in a rush, without realizing that every breath I miss is a miss-take where I abdicate responsibility and let ego manifest through my expression in an unconscious and naturalized way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have naturalized this ‘expression’ unconsciously, because I have come to believe that as that reaction is an expression with no energetic charge, it is completely fine and it is other people’s responsibility to deal with my unconscious reaction, because I am apparently being self-honest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not treat others as I would like to be treated when they come with a different approach where I just end up participating in this ‘pseudo self-honesty’ by unconsciously ‘expressing’ this naturalized persona that it is in fact a system dressed like a ‘self-honest expression’.

Self-Commitments

When and as I see myself about to open up a point/make a suggestion, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am likely to express myself in a way that can create friction, especially when I don’t agree with what’s going on. Therefore...

...I commit myself to stop and breathe before opening my mouth when I want to express myself, in order to make sure I am breathing, that I am stable here.

When and as I see myself feeling in a rush when I am driving, because I do not want to make a mistake, I stop and breathe. I realize that the very fact of ‘becoming in a rush’ creates friction within myself and it activates this unconscious persona that speaks in a tough tonality instead of creating a clear communication that is best for all through treating everyone as I would like to be treated.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I become overwhelmed by too much stimuli and immediately tell myself ‘Stop!’ so as to bring myself here and be able to direct/express myself effectively.

When and as I see myself having someone next to me trying to show me a point where I have reacted, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that it is not necessary to activate ego through questioning the method/approach the other person is applying, but seeing the real source.

I commit myself to stop thinking, believing and perceiving that I am an ‘inferior human being’ when someone has identified a reaction existing within and as myself that they are showing in front of my face, so as to be able to be grateful for what they are doing without resisting it through ego.

When and as I see myself reacting in this ‘tough personality’ through my voice tonality which is triggered by a mixture of rage and excitement, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that this ‘boost’ I am participating in is energy-based, therefore, it is not a ‘natural’ self-expression, but only a reaction.

I commit myself to become aware of my self-expression through breathing in every moment, in order to transmutate unconsciouss personality reactions into commonsense. 

martes, 1 de diciembre de 2015

Cooking With My Mom (Day 122)


Today I decided to help my mom with cooking, because she has been a bit sick. She caught a cold. So I asked her ‘what are you planning to cook today?’ and she said spaghetti. I love cooking and eating spaghetti, so I immediatelly started setting up everything.

What I have noticed is that my mom – and probably most moms – is always next to me telling me what to do and how to do it. So, I had the onions and the pepper on the frying pan and she went ‘what about carrots?’. And I said ‘well, is it really necessary to add carrots? Because I only use onion, pepper and meat to create the bolognese sauce’. She then said, 'Have you ever cooked for 4 people?’ and I said ‘I have cooked for myself but when I cook spaghetti, the portion I eat is the size of a 4 people portion, so it’s kind of the same’.

Well, she rapidly had the carrot grated and started adding it to the frying pan while at the same time saying that I had to add the harder-to-get-cooked vegetables first. I said ‘mom but this is too much grated carrot’ and she went ‘ahhh but these are supposed to be spaghetti and sauce’ so I said ‘yeah, you have just said it; sauce...not carrots’ lol, kind of saying that what I was cooking was out of her understanding of spaghetti and sauce.

Then I asked her ‘Do you think that the only spaghetti that exists in the world is the one you cook? Please, allow me to fail and if teastes bad, I won’t cook for the family anymore’. She said ‘It’s just that I am used to cooking spaghetti this way’, so I said ‘I know, but I am not telling you this because I want to make you upset or something like that. I am showing you other possibilities’.

Well, we finally got the spaghetti and sauce ready. The outcome was a fusion between my mom’s style and my new recipe. We all ate it and it was good. Of course there are always some upgrades you can apply for the next time, but to be the first time cooking with my mom, it was great. BUT, here is what I would like to share. The way we approached the opportunity to cook together happened within a bit of friction, because both of us wanted to ‘help’ in our own way. We both had this positive idea in our minds of doing something ‘good’ that we kind of saw each other interfering instead of contributing. My mom has cooked for many years and she perfectly knows how to cook. Me...I believed myself to be the expert at cooking spaghetti lol.

So – I didn’t want my mom to influence too much my spaghetti with her style, whereas she wanted to have a good meal for everyone in the house and also probably fearing that I was going to mess it up. Of course this never became an argument or something like that, but as I said before; there was a bit of friction between both of us. Like this energetic reaction of ‘I know more than you in terms of pasta’ lol, especially because I was applying a new recipe that I love.

So, I bet we both looked more worried than having fun while cooking. And this happened because I wanted everyone to try my new recipe and then to see everyone telling me how good it tasted, while my mom wanted to ‘teach me’ how to cook the spaghetti correctly based on her empirical approach in order to have a good meal served for everyone as well.

It is interesting how two people coming with ‘good intentions’ can create friction between both of them, because both are too closed within their minds that are not opened to share and create something together. The only thing both see is their positivity instead of using that ‘good intention’ as self-awareness to really work in a cooperative approach through seeing each other, instead of only holding onto an idea/expectation within the mind consciousness system.

I am glad that I have become aware of this point, especially with my mom. And I can also apply this realization not only at cooking, but in any field where I am expressing myself whether cooking or working or making music, etc.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only be focused on my good intention instead of seeing how another person wants to also make a contribution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how another person is making a contribution, because I am so focused on the positive energy within my mind that I become blind without being able to see reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I know more than other beings, without realizing that that energetic experience does not allow me in any way to consider other people’s contribution, because I am more focused on proving that I can do it right, instead of opening myself to work in a cooperative approach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep a positive expectation while cooking, without realizing that the very expectation is limiting from approaching reality in a different way, because everything that goes out of my expectation will be considered/judged/labeled by me as ‘negative’ and thus, I will reject it instead of embracing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have everyone in my house telling how good my spaghetti tastes, without realizing that the reason why I was cooking was to help my mom, not to get my ego boosted, and instead of fully help my mom, I contributed to create friction between us both because I was blinded by my ‘so good intention’ that I forgot what my starting point was.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I want to help I have to also be opened to be helped while helping, and thus, the purpose of helping becomes an equal point of support among the participants.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to get credit and recognition when I help instead of living it as an unconditional expression of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the only recognition I have to apply is towards myself by seeing in self-honesty what I am capable of doing in order to continue pushing myself towards the development of my utmost potential and live it unconditionally without expecting something in return.


I will continue...

lunes, 30 de noviembre de 2015

Part II: Fear Of Being Alone (Day 121)


This is the continuation of my Previous Post. Here I will walk some self-forgiveness statements in relation to a fear that was activated within myself due to a couple of memories stored in my subconsciouss mind layer.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear when realizing that my closest friends had left the place wherein we were, because I felt powerless, empty, uncomfortable – in the same way I did when I was a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that when there’s no one I know next to me I am lost and that I can’t express myself in the same way I would if my friends were with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically react when noticing that my friends had left the place, because I was looking everywhere and becoming anxious while at the same time thinking ‘What should I do now? Should I go with them or should stay here?’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have activated a memory of when I was a child and my mom and my uncle left the place without saying a word and I started crying, I ran away, and reacted with desire for revenge - but this time in my present moment. Therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live every moment as a new moment/opportunity, because I approached my reality from past burdens.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I require to be accompanied by someone else to be able to express myself as who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself in front of people I don’t know, because instead of directing myself in the moment I judge all the participants by thinking ‘we are different, they don’t seem to be like me. I don’t want to be here’, without realizing those backchats/thoughts are only a mechanism the mind has to limit self-expression, therefore, if I accept and allow myself to supress myself in such moments, I am just obidiently following my pre-programming instead of transcending that point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached a negative connotation to being ‘alone’, because I have separated myself as the words ‘confidence’ and ‘comfortable’, living them through my closest friends without pushing myself towards developing/re-defining and living those words as who I am; one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when there are no friends around, no one will support what I express and thus, I will feel powerless, having no one to support me, without realizing that here I am as who I am, as all, as one, as equal, and thus, I can take self-responsibility and direct myself in self-honesty as self-trust and just express myself unconditionally no matter where I am or with whom I am, instead of suppressing by accepting and allowing myself to be absorbed/blinded by my mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that no matter how many people are around me, because I am always here with me, I have myself, I am always all-one (alone), it’s just that as I am not aware of my breathing in every moment that I separate myself from the physical when accepting and allowing myself to be absorbed by my consciousness mind system into memories that activate fears that limit/suppress self-expression here.

Self-Commitments

When and as I see myself reacting with fear because I realize that my friends are not around me and I feel alone, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that the fear was activated because of the memories that are stored in my subconscious mind layer when facing a similar situation.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when being ‘alone’ in a new context in order to ground myself here in the physical and then, just express myself unconditionally just by asking a question or doing something physical to push myself to transcend the fear.  

When and as I see myself thinking that I require my friends to be able to feel ‘confident’ and ‘comfortable’ to express myself, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I have separated myself as those words by living them through my friends instead of pushing myself to re-define and live those words as who I am here, in every moment of breath.


I commit myself to push myself to interact with new people in new contexts in order to test my ‘confidence’ and to continue investigating/expanding myself in terms of self-expression. 

viernes, 27 de noviembre de 2015

Fear of Being Alone (Day 120)


Last night I went to a birthday party with a friend. I met the birthday guy like in 2004 but we have never been really close. There were like 15 people in the living room. The people I knew were only three (including the birthday guy).

As it was a small place for such crowd, everytime people wanted to smoke, they had to do it outside of the apartment. Suddenly two of my friends went outside to smoke, so the only ‘familiar’ person there was the birthday guy who – as I mentioned before – is not a close friend.

Suddenly, I saw myself thinking ‘Oh no, I am alone. Should I go outside with my friends?’ and then, I immediatelly checked within myself where the fear was coming from and I found a very interesting memory of when I was like 4 years old.

I remember that that time I was with my uncle with whom I had/have a really cool relationship and he asked me to go with him to a friend’s house and then we would go to another place to play videogames. We were in a room inside my uncle’s friend’s house and I remember that I got distracted for a moment until I realized that my uncle and his friend had left the room. I remember how awful the fear building up within myself felt. Although the people there (the friend’s parents) were our neighbors, I didn’t feel comfortable, so I cried and I ran away lol. I remember the parents saying something like ‘But, what the hell is going on with that kid!’ and the next thing I remember was me playing video games with my uncle lol.

Now I can see another memory related to something very similar. Due to certain circumstances, when I was a kid I spent a lot of time with my mom before my sisters were born. My dad worked on sailing ships, so he was usually not home for long periods of times. My mom was the only person with whom I was and according to what she has told me, since I was even 2 – 3 years old I didn’t like to be alone. And not only that, I didn’t like visitors either. My mom says that I used to kick them out of my house and that I told my cousins ‘why are you here? You came here to eat my food. Go back to your own house’ lol. 

Anyways –  I remember that I was in a room playing with my toys and as my mom saw me very focused on that, she went to buy some bread for dinner to a very near grocery store. The point is that I realized that she had left because I heard the door when she closed it. I was like ‘Mom? Mom?’ and then I started crying and screaming because I felt alone and to me it was the worst thing in the world. Then, I became angry and I thought of making my mom feel the same way I had felt. So – I hid inside a wooden basket and when my mom came back, she started saying ‘Pablo, I am back! ...Pablo? are you there? Pabloooo!!’. She became histerical, so I said ‘I am here!’ and she started looking for me, but she could only hear me lol. Until I got out of the wooden basket and asked her why she had left me without saying a word.

It’s interesting to realize how many reactions we have nowadays are part of our past experiences that now have become memories. In my case, the fear of being alone as well as the desire for revenge in an attempt to make people feel the way I have felt through placing them on my shoes.

So – getting back to the birthday party. I was alone. Reacting within myself in the same way I did when I was a child. I wanted to go out to be with my friends because as I didn’t know anyone there, only this birthday acquaintance, and kind of not knowing what to do. Of course all of this happened in less than 1 minute within my mind consciousness system. So – as I was able to identify the memory that had activated in my present moment, I grounded myself and directed myself through just talking to the birthday guy and thus, the ‘horror movie’ ended immediately.



On my next post I will walk the self-forgiveness... 

lunes, 23 de noviembre de 2015

Sounding Self-Forgiveness (Day 119)


Yesterday I went to take a shower and I started sounding self-forgiveness. I usually sound self-forgiveness in English because this is the language I have used this whole time to walk process, but yersterday while taking the shower I sounded self-forgiveness in Spanish – which is my mother tongue – and I noticed that I wasn’t being fluent. I was like ‘I forgive myself – (coughing) – that...I have accepted and .... – (silence)’ and then I realized I was kind of whispering. It’s like when sounding self-forgiveness in my mother tongue I don’t feel comfortable with my own voice, and I fear that other people could listen to me. So, using a second language has kind of ‘helped’ me be ‘hidden’, which is unacceptable, because it’s not possible that the tools I have to deconstruct myself are dependent on codes/language/symbols to be able to exist.

This proves to me that I am not being unconditional with myself in terms of assisting and supporting myself within this journey of self-honesty and self-trust.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used English as a second language to feel ‘hidden’ and ‘protected’ from other people/my reality when sounding self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when listening to my own voice sounding self-forgiveness in my mother tongue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what other people may think of me if they listen to me sounding self-forgiveness in my mother tongue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use English as a sort of alter-ego where as I feel ‘hidden’, I am more comfortable to say certain stuff that I wouldn’t if I had to say them in Spanish.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not become one and equal in terms of my relationship with different languages and thus, become lost within languages, sort of not knowing who I am within languages.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached different personalities to the two languages I speak; Spanish being ‘me’ and English; my ‘alter ego’ when talking to myself and some other beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated myself as who I am into two different languages without standing up as me without depending on a language to express/deconstruct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have resisted to take into practical application the realization that I have to start working on sounding self-forgiveness in my mother tongue in order to deconstruct myself and to be able to expand myself.

Self-Commitments

When and as I see myself sounding self-forgiveness in my mother tongue where I am not being fluent and not wanting to be heard by others and thus, I cough and go into a mind blank, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am not standing up as one through living self-trust and self-honesty, because I am being dependent on the language I speak to express myself.

I commit myself to sound self-forgiveness in Spanish in real time when there’s a point I want to release in order to be able to become one and equal without depending on a language to be/express myself.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when feeling the resistance building up when sounding self-forgiveness in my mother tongue in real time so as to ground myself here and stop participation in thoughts and emotions to be able to continue doing it, slowly but surely, being patience with myself but at the same time pushing through it.

I commit myself to start reading my self-forgiveness statements in my mother tongue after I have written in this blog, in order to become familiar with my own voice when deconstructing myself and thus, be able to become one and equal without depending on a language to be able to be/express myself.

sábado, 14 de noviembre de 2015

The Slowest Learner (118)


Some weeks ago I was introduced to a new sort of game. I don’t know if the game has a specific name but what I have noticed is that it is passed from one person to another. The game consists of showing a number with your hands, for instance I show you two fingers but I say ‘If this is 5.. (while showing two fingers) how much is this? (while showing 6 fingers for instance). So at first I approached the game from math, I tried addition and substraction. As the name of the numbers were changed, I then tried to find the pattern in order to get the answer. I even tried guessing with Roman numerals.

Then, some of my friends that were also there started finding the pattern and I was like ‘Damn, I can’t get it!’. I even judged myself as a slow learner. But not only as a slow learner, I mean slower than everyone else. So, THE slowest.

I couldn’t get the answer that day, but I was curious about it. So, I insisted. Everytime I saw the guy that introduced the game I asked him to do it again. Until one day he said ‘I don’t know what happens with you, because you are the slowest one. Everyone else got it, but something weird happened with you. Do you want me to give you the answer?’ and I was like ‘No, I don’t want the answer, just continue doing it’.

Well, I got the answer...finally! After getting the answer I realized that it was not a math game. It used numbers, but it was out of mathematic rules and that’s what it made it so hard that no one can get it the first time, even mathematicians.

The cool realization was that sometimes we approach reality from knowledge and information, based on what we have learned, based on experience, based on the past. But, the only thing that was needed to get the answer was to Listen and Observe. It sounds simple, right? But how often do we REALLY listen and observe? I mean, taking out any ‘logic’, any memory or past experience to see reality for what it is.

I observed and listened to many types of reactions to the game after I learned it and then shared it with other people. Some of them applied the same guessing technique that I used. Some others gave up. Some others said ‘I don’t have time to waste on stupid games’ – This last one was interesting, because it is a very common response we get when we do not understand something. It functions as it follows; I don’t get it, I reject it. But, if you see beyond ‘the game’, the way you approach it tells a lot about people, because it is basically a challenge and something new to address.

Another point that was interesting was that me, ‘the slowest one’ created a new version of the game. I basically upgraded it. It’s not that I want to make a comparison here, but even the ‘fast guys’ that got the answer faster than me - once they knew the answer to the game, then just forgot about it. But I didn’t because I knew that the ‘stupid game’ was more than just a game, because in order to get the answer, you have to deprogram yourself! In other words, you have to unlearn what you have previously learned.

Now – if I have a look at the polarity of fast/slow, it created self-judgment within myself and I saw that the fast guys once they knew the answer were like ‘Come on, it’s very easy! I don’t understand how it is possible that you don’t get it’ – kind of creating a sort of positive feeling on them...superiority.

So – the last point to mention here is that there is something called the learning biorhythm. Each of us learn at different speeds/rhythms and speed does not define - in any way - your so-called ‘intelligence’ or who you really are and what you are capable of doing.

I failed many times, I even ended up in a blank within my mind when trying to find the answers and I judged myself as stupid, because of my learning biorhythm, but you know what, failing is necessary. People tend to see mistakes as something ‘wrong’ and we are domesticated to feel ‘bad’ when we fail, but what I am able to say now is: if you learn from your mistakes because you have been trying and trying instead of giving up, then you will be able to identify where in the process another person is and you can support/encourage them to get to the answers as you have supported yourself within the same process = learning how to learn.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as stupid because I take longer to get a specific point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the judgment and the label ‘stupid’ is the result of a comparison, because I compared myself with others in terms of speed/timing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand that every individual has a different learning biorhythm and that ‘more intelligent’ does not exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that learning faster makes people more intelligent than others, without realizing that fast/slow is a polarity equation that exists within and as the mind consciousness system, therefore, it’s an illusion that in any way supports self-expansion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my self-judgment into other people when thinking that other people think that I am stupid/too slow when it takes me more time than others to understand a specific point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that people that are not aware of learning biorhythms are the real stupid ones for believing in a paradigm based on speed to meassure people’s intelligence, without realizing that behind that thought there is me as my mind wanting to compensate the inferiority I previously experienced when not being able to understand the ‘logic’ behind a game.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that people pretend to be nice and patience when they share something new with me that I am taking longer while within themselves there exists judgment towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in order to really observe and listen to reality for what it is here, I have to deprogram myself, leaving knowledge and information aside and apply commonsense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach myself to the memory of me being a child and solving a problem in front of the educational psychologist and not understanding the logic behind his game and then telling my mom ‘I understood the game, but I didn’t tell him the right answer, because thought it was too stupid to say it’ and then I judged myself as stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger and frustration towards the methods and techniques ‘professionals’ use to meassure people’s IQ when I was a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless when I was a child because I thought that I was misunderstood to the eyes of adults and their norms/rules/mindsets.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat the same reaction of frustration and anger that I had when I was a child and I had to solve a problem/game in front of the educational psychologist but this time in my current/present moment when facing a similar situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that most of the reactions we have today are the consequence of previous experiences that are stored within the subconscious mind layer as memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach to the memory of me going to visit the educational psychologists because my teacher sent me there, but when the girls assessed me, they said my learning skills were ‘normal’, because I was faster than the other students that required special assistance within their learning processes – and this turning into the current thought of ‘I am the fastest of the stupid ones’.

Self-Commitments

When and as I see myself judging myself as a slow/stupid learner, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that there exist different learning biorhythms and that instead of comparing myself as a polarity manifestation, I can learn from others and focus on my own learning process in order to expand myself without reacting with anger or frustration as I did when I was a child.

I commit myself to only use comparison as a method/tool to expand myself and learn from others without placing myself in the inferior/superior side of the polarity equation.

When and as I see myself defining myself as stupid because I think that I am taking longer to understand a specific point, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that time is an illusion and my learning process has its rhythm and as long as I persist and direct myself towards my utmost potential, there’s no rush.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I am not getting a specific point in order to ground myself here in the physical and observe and listen to reality for what it is, without acting upon memories and self-judgment that in any way supports self-expansion.

When and as I see myself labeling people/myself as intelligent/not intelligent based on speed, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that speed is only one dimension of a whole bunch of dimensions around the learning process and that a person that is fast is not necessarily persistent, self-disciplined and/or curious about learning.


I commit myself to stop judging myself/people based on how fast/slow they learn and instead, I commit myself to focus on how I can practically enhance my skills so as to expand myself into my utmost potential as practical application.