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It is Not WHAT you Say, It is THE WAY you Say it (Day 125)

The other day I went to a friend’s house to pick up some stuff and he was with some other friends as well. My staying there was supossed to be really short, but as they started playing music and then invited me a drink I stayed there a bit longer.
One of them had bought a new acoustic guitar so they wanted me to try it. So I started playing it and it sounded cool. Then I started playing a new song I made and suddenly one of the guys there said ‘you know, you could be cuter’. I took it as a joke so I said ‘yeah, but I would have to attach myself more to a stereotype’. This guy said ‘oh, you are too defensive. I was saying that in a nice way’.
Then the guitar owner said ‘you hit the guitar really hard’. I said ‘oh, sorry I often do it unconsciously. It’s because I am used to give it hard power chords and this song needs to go like this because of the intention I want to give it’. He said ‘oh no, I am saying this because it is late and we don’t want my mom to come and tell us to stop’. I…

The Ex Moralist Guy & The Free Spirit Girl (Day 124)

Last night I met a friend and we started talking about ex girlfriends. This friend was a cool companion some years ago when I broke up with a girlfriend and I needed someone to talk to, so talking about girls, sex and those things is something I enjoy alot with him.
We were kind of doing a review of our ex girlfriends and how time has passed by. Many of them had children already and some others are currently pregnant. So, suddenly he says ‘Do you know what I heard from your ex?’ and I went ‘Nop. What happened?’. He said ‘Well, after you both broke up three years ago she started living la vida loca. Like going to lots of parties and those things’. I said ‘Yeah, that happens to most people. They break up and they start having sex with random people, getting drunk and thinking that in doing so they are going to overcome the pain/frustration they feel inside’. He then said ‘Well, your ex was having weird conversations with X and she was proposing to have a threesome with X and his girlfrie…

Personalities Dressed Like Self-Honesty (Day 123)

Okay, here I am going to open up a point that I have been resisting to explore through writing since last Friday. The story goes as it follows.
I had to play with my band and besides that I was in charge of the transportation, meaning, I carry all the equipment in my car. The gig finished and I asked my band mates to collaborate with taking our equipment outside while I was going to pick up my car that was parked two blocks away.
The gig was held in a bar downtown and the street where I had to stop the car to pick up all the equipment is a very busy street, so we had to move as fast as we could in order to not create a traffic jam.
I realized that our sound guy was – besides being drunk – talking too much before getting in the car. Plus, as he invited his girlfriend, a member of our band had to go home by foot, so this guy was ‘Oh, but you don’t live too far’. So, in one moment I judged him as a manipulative being who was acting out a personality.
Like an hour ago before leaving the bar…

Cooking With My Mom (Day 122)

Today I decided to help my mom with cooking, because she has been a bit sick. She caught a cold. So I asked her ‘what are you planning to cook today?’ and she said spaghetti. I love cooking and eating spaghetti, so I immediatelly started setting up everything.
What I have noticed is that my mom – and probably most moms – is always next to me telling me what to do and how to do it. So, I had the onions and the pepper on the frying pan and she went ‘what about carrots?’. And I said ‘well, is it really necessary to add carrots? Because I only use onion, pepper and meat to create the bolognese sauce’. She then said, 'Have you ever cooked for 4 people?’ and I said ‘I have cooked for myself but when I cook spaghetti, the portion I eat is the size of a 4 people portion, so it’s kind of the same’.
Well, she rapidly had the carrot grated and started adding it to the frying pan while at the same time saying that I had to add the harder-to-get-cooked vegetables first. I said ‘mom but this is …

Part II: Fear Of Being Alone (Day 121)

This is the continuation of my Previous Post. Here I will walk some self-forgiveness statements in relation to a fear that was activated within myself due to a couple of memories stored in my subconsciouss mind layer.
Self-Forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear when realizing that my closest friends had left the place wherein we were, because I felt powerless, empty, uncomfortable – in the same way I did when I was a child.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that when there’s no one I know next to me I am lost and that I can’t express myself in the same way I would if my friends were with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically react when noticing that my friends had left the place, because I was looking everywhere and becoming anxious while at the same time thinking ‘What should I do now? Should I go with them or should stay here?’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and a…

Fear of Being Alone (Day 120)

Last night I went to a birthday party with a friend. I met the birthday guy like in 2004 but we have never been really close. There were like 15 people in the living room. The people I knew were only three (including the birthday guy).
As it was a small place for such crowd, everytime people wanted to smoke, they had to do it outside of the apartment. Suddenly two of my friends went outside to smoke, so the only ‘familiar’ person there was the birthday guy who – as I mentioned before – is not a close friend.
Suddenly, I saw myself thinking ‘Oh no, I am alone. Should I go outside with my friends?’ and then, I immediatelly checked within myself where the fear was coming from and I found a very interesting memory of when I was like 4 years old.
I remember that that time I was with my uncle with whom I had/have a really cool relationship and he asked me to go with him to a friend’s house and then we would go to another place to play videogames. We were in a room inside my uncle’s friend’s…

Sounding Self-Forgiveness (Day 119)

Yesterday I went to take a shower and I started sounding self-forgiveness. I usually sound self-forgiveness in English because this is the language I have used this whole time to walk process, but yersterday while taking the shower I sounded self-forgiveness in Spanish – which is my mother tongue – and I noticed that I wasn’t being fluent. I was like ‘I forgive myself – (coughing) – that...I have accepted and .... – (silence)’ and then I realized I was kind of whispering. It’s like when sounding self-forgiveness in my mother tongue I don’t feel comfortable with my own voice, and I fear that other people could listen to me. So, using a second language has kind of ‘helped’ me be ‘hidden’, which is unacceptable, because it’s not possible that the tools I have to deconstruct myself are dependent on codes/language/symbols to be able to exist.
This proves to me that I am not being unconditional with myself in terms of assisting and supporting myself within this journey of self-honesty and se…

The Slowest Learner (118)

Some weeks ago I was introduced to a new sort of game. I don’t know if the game has a specific name but what I have noticed is that it is passed from one person to another. The game consists of showing a number with your hands, for instance I show you two fingers but I say ‘If this is 5.. (while showing two fingers) how much is this? (while showing 6 fingers for instance). So at first I approached the game from math, I tried addition and substraction. As the name of the numbers were changed, I then tried to find the pattern in order to get the answer. I even tried guessing with Roman numerals.
Then, some of my friends that were also there started finding the pattern and I was like ‘Damn, I can’t get it!’. I even judged myself as a slow learner. But not only as a slow learner, I mean slower than everyone else. So, THE slowest.
I couldn’t get the answer that day, but I was curious about it. So, I insisted. Everytime I saw the guy that introduced the game I asked him to do it again. Until…