sábado, 31 de enero de 2015

Testing People through Changing my Behavior (Day 62)

The other day I met a girl while playing with my band and after the show we talked for a while, ate some stuff and then she asked me “do you have some room for me in your car?” and we agreed that I would drive her home, because she lives near my house.

We (my friends and this girl) while driving home stopped to smoke and chat for a while before going home.

There’s a kind of joke that I tell people when they ask “can I smoke inside you car?”

I pretend I am serious and say “Look, you are allowed to smoke, but there’s one condition; you have to take responsibility. Pay attention to the cigarette while smoking and do not burn anything. Here you have an ashtray. You have already been told and provided with the tools in order to avoid burning my car, So... if you fuck it up and burn it, you ... have to give me a Blow Job”. 

I get all sorts of reactions; some laugh, others do not know what to say at first and then laugh, but the reactions are mostly funny.

The point is that that day, after the gig, there was this girl and I told her the joke and she kind of took it too personal. She said something like “well, I don’t know if I would make it up by giving you a blow job”.

That’s when I said: Why not? Is it because of morality? Is it because I could think you are a slut and things like that? Is it because blow jobs given to unknown people are considered as a sin; impure/sinful? Would you lose your self-created definition of a “lady” if you would do that?

And she said: hum yeah, it’s because of morality (kind of doubting a bit).

I noticed her a little bit uncomfortable, so I said: it’s cool, I mean, to create a discussion here, share different perspectives and getting different feedbacks to “my rule” (the car joke) in order to improve it or something like that.

Some days passed and we met. There were other guys from other bands, and they were planning to go to a party later, but I finally decided to come home. 

That’s when she texted me and we agreed that if everything coincided during the night, we could meet later. 

Later she texted “are you coming?” and I said “what’s the plan?” and she said “we are going to a friend’s apartment” and I asked “to sleep or keep partying?” and she said “I don’t know we can figure that out later”.

Then, I decided to sleep because I was tired, so I texted her that I was going to bed, watch some porn and sleep like a baby.

There was no reply to this last message I sent…

Up to this point one can make many judgments, right? For instance you can judge me because of the way I expressed myself; too sexual/pervert. 

You could also say “that’s not the way you have to treat girls”, "you were too disrespectful", “you scared the hell out of her”, etc, etc.

And we could also judge this girl, thinking, believing and perceiving that she judges everything/everyone that goes out of her morality, being her own beliefs the limit to get to know more other beings. And then I could say “if she doesn’t talk to me anymore, it’s fine. I am not interested in hanging out with such people”.

So, what I did first was to realize that what had happened so far could bring many many many thoughts/backchats/reactions. You can write lines and lines about all the possibilities and probabilities of the reasons why you think this happened, meaning that she hasn’t talked to me since that last message I sent.

I am not saying I am worried or something like that. The point is that I consciously used my mind to create one scenario. It could be real in some similar contexts or it had gone like this probably in some people’s lives.

I imagined that she thought, “this dude is weird and like all men. The only thing he has in his head is sex” and that she used that thought/backchat as a reason to create certain distance. - Again, I am not saying this is real or that I believe is the truth of what she thinks. It’s just what I decided to picture through my imagination, like a movie.

Let’s imagine I am a really honest being. What would the difference be between a guy that admits he likes sex, porn and masturbation and a guy that hides it and due to that he is not “rejected” by girls? Girls might actually perceive this guy as the only one who is different to all men in the world, therefore I as a girl would fall in love with him because he perfectly fits in my beliefs of love based on morality; "such beautiful values that my family has taught me that made me the great person I am nowadays".

But - within the story - this girl catches her "perfect man" masturbating while watching porn. Her heart breaks and she can't handle it in her head. She cries, freaks out and do not know what to do. She now thinks she was lied and that her perfect man is a pervert.

She decides to break up because she perceives everything changed and her morality does not allow her to continue in such a sinful situation.

What would have happened if her reaction to those apparent “dirty jokes” in the past would have been different? I mean, if she wouldn’t have “rejected” to talk to men that are not afraid of talking about sex and/or porn. Probably she would have learned from it and would have acquired a new experience beyond her judgments. 

By opening herself she could have given to herself the opportunity to ask and investigate a bit more and then, in the future she will know how to handle such situation instead of wanting to run away by not really seeing what's really going on, because she was blind due to her beliefs. 

And this is not only about a partner. She might have a son that masturbates all day and she would think that he needs to pray in order to be forgiven - Again, without being able to see reality because of her judgments.

Now - I bring this to myself and I see that I tested this girl with my behavior because I noticed that she was saying “I don’t know you guys but I think you are grumpy, and hmm you are nice…you look like that, you look like this”, like making anticipated conclusions based on appearance. That’s why I wanted to test her and see if she was able to handle a conversation that went “out of expected”, like you are just meeting a couple of guys and then one of them starts speaking about blow jobs and stuff; not expected at all.

I can also see that through my imagination I was reacting with a little bit of revenge, like when you think “it’s okay you fucking bitch, reject me and go have fun for now. Let’s see in the future how you do”.

And finally, through my imagination whether I was playing or not, I judged her as well.

I will continue with the self-forgiveness in my next post in order to identify through self-honesty my starting point within changing my behavior, the reason why I need to test people and my reactions while testing people.

Part II - Words and Concepts: Being an Ignorant - Does it make me Innocent or Guilty? (Day 61)

This is the continuation of my previous post with regards to the word Ignorance. Now, I am going to continue applying the Deconstruction process through Self-Forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to investigate what I require to know when I am going to buy/do something for the first time.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that through not investigating, I am giving my power to the system, because I am just acting as a secondary character - a follower - who does not dare to lead/direct his own actions through a previous investigation.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be the main actor through investigating when I have to buy/do something for the first time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust others when I think “it doesn’t matter if I am not well informed, because the people there must be able to help me”, and in doing so, I am acting like an uninformed follower/secondary actor who is living in separation; delegating responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in separation and act based on the belief that other people will help me, living the word “direction” through the hope/trust I place in other human beings that I don’t even know yet, but that I think that they must be able to help me, because that’s their job; helping customers.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when I define myself either as an Innocent or as a Guilty, I am using free choice in self-interest to only see what affects me the least in order to remain positive (innocent) using my own beliefs as a reason to not change and remain as the same uninformed being who does not dare to lead his own actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming guilty, because that would involve the experience of remorse as an apparent self-honest action, without seeing, realizing and understanding that when I act upon guilt, it’s the energy which leads, not me as one and equal with the physical, because energy moves between polarity, from negative to positive and vice versa, therefore using the feeling of remorse/guilt to move myself is not a self-honest starting point, it’s still the manifestation/expression of a follower who is not well informed about his/her own mind system that refuses to see reality and change.

When and as I see myself defining me as Innocent when something went out of expected, I stop and breathe. I realize that in defining myself as an innocent inhibits me from seeing beyond my beliefs so as to identify the aspects wherein I am not directing myself effectively using a clear self-honest starting point.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I perceive that I am innocent, in order to be able to see beyond my self-created definition and see wherein I haven’t been self-honest in my participation and then be able to expand myself within those points that I wasn’t able to see before because of my own self-definition that didn’t let me see reality.

When and as I see myself defining me as Guilty when something went out of expected, I stop and breathe. I realize that in defining myself as Guilty only makes me act upon remorse and what then directs/leads my actions is the mind that wants to switch from the negative to the positive energy, which is not a self-honest starting point as the physical; as all as One.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I am experiencing remorse after something went wrong, so as to bring myself back here, stop my participation within the mind and make a self-honest decision led by who I am as the physical, therefore a decision that's best for me and best for all.

jueves, 29 de enero de 2015

Words and Concepts: Being an Ignorant - Does it make me Innocent or Guilty? (Day 60)

Within this post I am going to share a question that I have been expressing while being with some workmates, friends and family with regards to the word Ignorance.

The question goes as it follows: Does being an Ignorant make me Innocent or Guilty?

I have heard that being an Ignorant makes you Innocent, just like a child when he/she is discovering the world and sometimes “makes mistakes” without knowing how to manage a specific event, because he/she had never experienced it before.

But, let’s have a look at the definition of Ignorant:

Ignorant / Adjective:

1. Lacking in knowledge or training; unlearned.
2. Uninformed; unaware.
3. Lacking knowledge or information as to a particular subject or fact.

How have I experienced this in my life? The other day I had to buy new tires for my car and my dad said he wanted to go with me. 

For you to know a little bit more about my dad: He is very organized, he always writes down the prices of everything and he knows where to buy the cheapest things in order to save money/not unnecessarily waste money. I could say he is well informed towards the things he participates in.

Well, it was going to be the first time I had to buy tires. To me they all looked the same, but soon I realized that there are different models, brands, sizes, etc. So I extrapolated the tires thing to what I do; play the guitar. When you want to buy strings for your guitar you have different sizes, brands, colors, models, etc. so probably for a person who has never bought strings before, they all look the same. 

This happens when we are going to buy/do something for the first time, so we could say that we are all Ignorant at a certain level, because as long as we experience ourselves with new stuff, we will be acquiring more knowledge/information/wisdom and we will stop being ignorant at those points once we have already faced them - apparently.

Now - Let’s imagine I go alone and completely Ignorant to buy the tires for my car and I lack of knowledge and information. Then after buying the tires I realize I bought the wrong size and the car feels so heavy that it makes it hard to drive. 

Should I say that am I an innocent being or a guilty one?

I could probably say “I’m Innocent, because it was the first time I was going to buy tires, so I am just learning”.

And I could also say “I’m Guilty, because I knew I was lacking of knowledge. I didn’t investigate more, therefore it was my fault”.

Both sentences sound honest. Probably I would be Innocent and Guilty at the same time if I go completely ignorant to buy the tires for my car.

Let’s have a look at the words Innocent and Guilt:

Innocent / Adjective

1. Not involving evil intent or motive
2. Free from moral wrong; without sin; pure
3. Uninformed or unaware; ignorant

Guilt / Noun

1. The fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law; culpability
2. A feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc.

And just to add a little bit more ; the Antonym of the word “Guilt” is “Innocent”, therefore, it’s a polarity manifestation. One concept cannot exist without the other and vice versa.

So - What word better defines when you are Ignorant instead of Guilty or Innocent? - Accomplice. 

Let’s see now the definition of Accomplice:

Accomplice / Noun

1. One who participates in the commission of a crime without being the principal actor.
2. A person who helps another in committing a crime 
3. One who assists a lawbreaker in a wrongful or criminal act.

Why do I say that Ignorance is more related to an Accomplice than to Innocence or Guilt? 

Because when one is going to participate in something “new” or that never did before, one has the (Self) Responsibility to be aware in order to see a new opportunity to learn something.

I am not saying that to be more informed or educated means to acquire all the knowledge and information of the world- that’s impossible. - It’s only necessary to be clear about what we are doing so as to avoid experiencing this feeling of remorse or guilt as a negative manifestation as a consequence or even justify yourself saying that you are Innocent, because you think, believe and perceive that you haven’t done anything wrong, therefore you think you are still positive and you want to remain there, because you don’t want to face yourself.

The Accomplice is a secondary participant. It’s the one who delegates his/her responsibility to the system and then he/she can say “I didn’t commit the crime I was just there, I participated, but it wasn’t my idea. I never thought this would end up like this. I am innocent”. Therefore, being an Accomplice/Ignorant places you in a position where you have to use Free Choice wherein you can define yourself as Innocent (Positive) or Guilty (Negative) and we all know what that entails. - If you don’t… are you Innocent or Guilty?

The Accomplice could also be the one who has no clear direction. He/she is only following something/someone because he/she needs to get something and the action of only "following" and not "leading", gives the perception that one is innocent, because he/she was guided/persuaded/cheated. 

The Follower does not dare to "Lead", because he/she has placed himself/herself in an inFEARior position and tries to get something through the leading of another one, without allowing self to expand his/her real utmost potential. Therefore, he/she is just living something through someone, but not as self because it depends on something/somebody else to make it exist = it's not real as One.

This is what I have learned in the last few weeks. I am not saying this is the truth. It’s just that it makes sense to me. You don’t have to beLIEve me. Doubt it. Investigate on your own. 

martes, 27 de enero de 2015

Hating Girlfriends (Day 59)

A couple of days ago I was talking with a friend (P) about going out for vacation and then meet some other friends that live in a different city so as to visit them and hang out together. 

I know “P” had broken up with his girlfriend some months ago, but he told me they started seeing each other again and for some reason I didn’t like that news.

I remember “P” telling me the problems he had to face with his girlfriend; anger reactions, jealousy, insecurity, etc, etc and I suggested that they should stay apart for a while and learn how to walk as one first and then start a relationship/agreement but once they are “ready”, meaning learning how to take self-responsibility for themselves, because they were participating in the endless cycle of breaking up, starting again, breaking up, starting again, etc, etc, etc.

I told him that I have been single for over 2 years now and that when you break up, you have to be alone for a while, because that is going to give you a wider perspective of everything, but it’s not worth to break up, come back, break up, come back, because that becomes a repetitive pattern which brings no solution at all.

So, when I heard that they were kind of going out again, I reacted with a backchat: “what the hell, dude! You said everything was all fucked up and now you are seeing each other again?”

Another fact is that last summer my friend “P” and I did the same; we went to another city and spent vacation together, visited our friends from other cities and stuff, but suddenly he said he wanted to come back to town. Then I realized he wanted to come back because he wanted to see this girl again (at that time the situation was the same, they had broken up and then they wanted to see each other again), so we came back, but some days later I called him and he said he came back to the city we went to in the first place, but now he was with his girlfriend, so he kind of aborted mission while being with me in order to be with her lol. And all of this happening in a mysterious way, like no communication between us, only realizations/observations; I started seeing him spending too much time on his cellphone texting and stuff, so I kind of expected that something was going to happen.

So, what happened a couple of days ago is that I was talking with “P” about vacation and I said: dude, if you wanna go on vacation with me, no girls allowed. I wanna be comfortable. I wanna go on vacation with you and meet the guys, but I prefer the “only guys” format, because I kind of smelled what could happen based on last year’s experience, but I imagined that this time he wanted to go with me and his girlfriend, so fuck no lol.

I have some other close friends that also have girlfriends and when they are invited, it’s like I feel that the guys, are not the guys, because for some reason I have extrapolated my experiences within relationships towards them.

For instance, I have this belief that when a guy is with a girlfriend, the guy is not the same. The guy kind of behaves in a different way and girls too.

I remember being told by a friend “Pablo, when you are with a girlfriend you change. We used to go out a lot and now you only spend your time with your girlfriend”.

In a “only male” format interactions are different; we can talk about other stuff without being worried about what their girls may think/say, we can fart and just laugh, etc. Things that for some reason we do not do in the presence of girls.

That’s why I have resistance towards interacting with my friends’ girlfriends, because I think, believe and perceive that girls make them change, like the same that apparently happened with me in the past when I was in a relationship, therefore, everything changes for the people around. I am not saying that it becomes a bad experience whatsoever. It’s just different and I prefer the “only male” format.

Now, it’s different when we hang out with girls that are not our girlfriends, because everybody seems to be more independent/relaxed/casual. If a girl wants to go home to sleep, we can walk her home or something, but we do not have the “responsibility” to be in charge of her, so everyone is on their own. But sometimes my friends’ girlfriends want to be alone apparently and I have observed that they express themselves with secret gestures in order to tell their partners that they are boring or something like that without being perceived by the rest and suddenly one of my friends stands up and leaves.

When I observe my friends with their girlfriends I react thinking “shit, they look pathetic. It’s embarrassing to think that I once did the same. Thanks god I am not in a relationship and I can just be me”.

An interesting point here is that I have noticed that those opinions/thoughts/reactions are the same that my friend “A” manifested towards me when I was in a relationship in the past. And through all these years I have realized that many opinions/words that he has said has influenced my thoughts/opinions because I have allowed and accepted myself to not question them and just accepted them as a fact, because I haven’t done a self-introspection about my behavior when being in a relationship. I am just hating girlfriends as if they were to blame without seeing realizing and understanding that if something’s changing it’s because each participant of the relationship allows it to happen. Therefore if I hate girlfriends, I should also hate my friends for accepting and allowing themselves to change and not behave in the same way when their girlfriends are present.

Now, the question is, who the fuck am I to judge people? Because I apparently see that my friends change, but probably it’s them or me, because if I feel uncomfortable it’s because the reaction popped up within myself. If I don’t wanna burp/fart in front of the girls…why is that? Is there something I’m afraid to lose? My self-constructed image in front of girls? Because I am a person who thinks that I do not need to follow social constructs in order to legitimate myself, therefore I should be able to apply it if I say so, right? Probably is me the one who is limiting self and not my friends’ girlfriends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my friends’ girlfriends because I think, believe and perceive that my friends change; the environment change and I change because of the girls when they are included in our social meetings/parties.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my behavior when being in the presence of my friends’ girlfriends, because I think, believe and perceive that I have to keep an acceptable image instead of behaving the same way I do when I am hanging out in a “only males” format.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate my self-expression when I am in the presence of girls/friends’ girlfriends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on the people who are around me to become self-expression instead of just be myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to extrapolate my reactions towards my friends, because I think, believe and perceive that my friends are the ones that have changed because of their girlfriends instead of stopping myself in the moment I react in order to make sure I am not participating in any reaction. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of stop and breathe and bring myself back here when I am reacting I direct the reaction towards my friends and I see that they have changed instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that’s within me where the reaction ignited.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to switch into a victim character when I don’t want to take self-responsibility over my thoughts/reactions and instead of thinking “it’s unacceptable that I can’t express myself because I don’t feel comfortable in the presence of my friends’ girlfriends” I think “It’s pathetic to be in a relationship because you fuck up the environment due to the change of your behavior due to the girls involved”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep an opinion about myself that I heard in the past “when you are with a girlfriend, you change your behavior” directing it towards my friends that are in relationships instead of seeing in self-honesty the veracity of that in order to align myself to what’s best for all.

I have also noticed that I observe my friends’ girlfriends a lot, in order to read them through their body language and I just full myself with thoughts/internal conversations. But, when they are quiet and observant beings, I feel tense when our eyes meet. I fear that my friends may think that I like their girlfriends or that they can tell my friends “you know what, your friends is constantly looking at me. I think he likes me” and then have trouble with my friends lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others may think of me due to the things I do - observing in this case - because I imagine the worst within friendship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do nothing when I notice my eyes are meeting my friends’ girlfriends eyes without see, realizing and understanding that that could be a chance to just express myself as who I am. It’s like when you realize there’s some kind of connection with someone and you just start flowing as yourself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear interacting with my friends’ girlfriends because in my past experiences within relationships I have felt jealous when my friends interacted with my girlfriends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that “I am doing right” when not interacting with my friends’ girlfriends because I think, believe and perceive that my friends could get angry if they see me interacting with their girlfriends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my self-created fears limit my self-expression when thinking, believing and perceiving that the possessiveness and jealousy are something we must avoid in order to live in peace, without seeing, understanding and realizing that in doing so, I am just doing “wrong” under the perception that I am doing “right”, because I am apparently “respecting” my friends relationship when trying to avoid interaction with their girlfriends without realizing that communication and interaction is the way human beings build relationships and that’s way more effective than basing my relationship with a friend’s girlfriend only upon perceptions and judgments. In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my perception/judgment/fears be the principal director of my relationships/interactions with my friends’ girlfriends.

When and as I see myself reacting with rejection towards my friends’ girlfriends, I stop and breathe. I realize that my rejection is based on: my previous experiences within relationships in the past, a friend’s opinion towards my behavior when I was in a relationship that I extrapolate towards my friends who are in relationships now and my self-limitation when being in the presence of girls, because I perceive them as manipulative/prudish beings, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in reacting the way I do does not help at all, because I am just building resistance/rejection towards them within my thoughts/backchats, only inhibiting myself to interact with them in real life and really get to know them.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when reacting with rejection towards my friends’ girlfriends in order to bring myself back here and express my self as who I am without limiting myself and thus, be open to interact and communicate, making sure I am here and that I am stable.

When and as I see myself extrapolating what exists within myself towards my friends, I stop and breathe. I realize that in doing so, I am not taking self-responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed to exist in this world, such as jealousy, insecurity, possessiveness etc, because I am avoiding to face it under the belief that I have to respect those constructs, for instance that a girl belongs to a guy and that any other dude can touch her or even talk to her. 

I commit myself to stop my participation within those androcentric constructs/beliefs/perspective in order to no longer give my power to them, because those are one of the reasons why the world is all fucked up.

I commit myself to just interact with my friends’ girlfriends when having the casual chance to do it without fearing that I am doing something “wrong” or “disrespectful” towards my friends.

When and as I see myself blaming girlfriends, I stop and breathe. I realize that in a relationship both single beings compound it, therefore, if something I don’t like happens towards myself, I have to see, realize and understand that my so called friend also allowed it and he is responsible as one to consider what’s best for all and not do what he wouldn’t like to be done towards him. 

I commit myself to apply what I have learned through my experiences with friends and girlfriends in order to be able to act without affecting others, making sure I am here as self-expression and just communicate and be clear and self-honest about what’s going on, for instance if I go on vacation with a friend and we have a plan, but suddenly a girl “interferes” just talk about it and get to an agreement which is best for all, but do not say nothing, leave my “friends” and focus only on what I desire, because that would make me a selfish being.

As a conclusion; It’s fine to change the plan when going on vacation with someone else and there’s no reason to become angry/frustrated. Actually, the only permanent thing is change. But, the important thing here is who we are within those changes, because situations change, people change, places change but self-honesty does not.