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Hating Girlfriends (Day 59)

A couple of days ago I was talking with a friend (P) about going out for vacation and then meet some other friends that live in a different city so as to visit them and hang out together. 

I know “P” had broken up with his girlfriend some months ago, but he told me they started seeing each other again and for some reason I didn’t like that news.

I remember “P” telling me the problems he had to face with his girlfriend; anger reactions, jealousy, insecurity, etc, etc and I suggested that they should stay apart for a while and learn how to walk as one first and then start a relationship/agreement but once they are “ready”, meaning learning how to take self-responsibility for themselves, because they were participating in the endless cycle of breaking up, starting again, breaking up, starting again, etc, etc, etc.

I told him that I have been single for over 2 years now and that when you break up, you have to be alone for a while, because that is going to give you a wider perspective of everything, but it’s not worth to break up, come back, break up, come back, because that becomes a repetitive pattern which brings no solution at all.

So, when I heard that they were kind of going out again, I reacted with a backchat: “what the hell, dude! You said everything was all fucked up and now you are seeing each other again?”

Another fact is that last summer my friend “P” and I did the same; we went to another city and spent vacation together, visited our friends from other cities and stuff, but suddenly he said he wanted to come back to town. Then I realized he wanted to come back because he wanted to see this girl again (at that time the situation was the same, they had broken up and then they wanted to see each other again), so we came back, but some days later I called him and he said he came back to the city we went to in the first place, but now he was with his girlfriend, so he kind of aborted mission while being with me in order to be with her lol. And all of this happening in a mysterious way, like no communication between us, only realizations/observations; I started seeing him spending too much time on his cellphone texting and stuff, so I kind of expected that something was going to happen.

So, what happened a couple of days ago is that I was talking with “P” about vacation and I said: dude, if you wanna go on vacation with me, no girls allowed. I wanna be comfortable. I wanna go on vacation with you and meet the guys, but I prefer the “only guys” format, because I kind of smelled what could happen based on last year’s experience, but I imagined that this time he wanted to go with me and his girlfriend, so fuck no lol.

I have some other close friends that also have girlfriends and when they are invited, it’s like I feel that the guys, are not the guys, because for some reason I have extrapolated my experiences within relationships towards them.

For instance, I have this belief that when a guy is with a girlfriend, the guy is not the same. The guy kind of behaves in a different way and girls too.

I remember being told by a friend “Pablo, when you are with a girlfriend you change. We used to go out a lot and now you only spend your time with your girlfriend”.

In a “only male” format interactions are different; we can talk about other stuff without being worried about what their girls may think/say, we can fart and just laugh, etc. Things that for some reason we do not do in the presence of girls.

That’s why I have resistance towards interacting with my friends’ girlfriends, because I think, believe and perceive that girls make them change, like the same that apparently happened with me in the past when I was in a relationship, therefore, everything changes for the people around. I am not saying that it becomes a bad experience whatsoever. It’s just different and I prefer the “only male” format.

Now, it’s different when we hang out with girls that are not our girlfriends, because everybody seems to be more independent/relaxed/casual. If a girl wants to go home to sleep, we can walk her home or something, but we do not have the “responsibility” to be in charge of her, so everyone is on their own. But sometimes my friends’ girlfriends want to be alone apparently and I have observed that they express themselves with secret gestures in order to tell their partners that they are boring or something like that without being perceived by the rest and suddenly one of my friends stands up and leaves.

When I observe my friends with their girlfriends I react thinking “shit, they look pathetic. It’s embarrassing to think that I once did the same. Thanks god I am not in a relationship and I can just be me”.

An interesting point here is that I have noticed that those opinions/thoughts/reactions are the same that my friend “A” manifested towards me when I was in a relationship in the past. And through all these years I have realized that many opinions/words that he has said has influenced my thoughts/opinions because I have allowed and accepted myself to not question them and just accepted them as a fact, because I haven’t done a self-introspection about my behavior when being in a relationship. I am just hating girlfriends as if they were to blame without seeing realizing and understanding that if something’s changing it’s because each participant of the relationship allows it to happen. Therefore if I hate girlfriends, I should also hate my friends for accepting and allowing themselves to change and not behave in the same way when their girlfriends are present.

Now, the question is, who the fuck am I to judge people? Because I apparently see that my friends change, but probably it’s them or me, because if I feel uncomfortable it’s because the reaction popped up within myself. If I don’t wanna burp/fart in front of the girls…why is that? Is there something I’m afraid to lose? My self-constructed image in front of girls? Because I am a person who thinks that I do not need to follow social constructs in order to legitimate myself, therefore I should be able to apply it if I say so, right? Probably is me the one who is limiting self and not my friends’ girlfriends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my friends’ girlfriends because I think, believe and perceive that my friends change; the environment change and I change because of the girls when they are included in our social meetings/parties.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my behavior when being in the presence of my friends’ girlfriends, because I think, believe and perceive that I have to keep an acceptable image instead of behaving the same way I do when I am hanging out in a “only males” format.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate my self-expression when I am in the presence of girls/friends’ girlfriends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on the people who are around me to become self-expression instead of just be myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to extrapolate my reactions towards my friends, because I think, believe and perceive that my friends are the ones that have changed because of their girlfriends instead of stopping myself in the moment I react in order to make sure I am not participating in any reaction. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of stop and breathe and bring myself back here when I am reacting I direct the reaction towards my friends and I see that they have changed instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that’s within me where the reaction ignited.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to switch into a victim character when I don’t want to take self-responsibility over my thoughts/reactions and instead of thinking “it’s unacceptable that I can’t express myself because I don’t feel comfortable in the presence of my friends’ girlfriends” I think “It’s pathetic to be in a relationship because you fuck up the environment due to the change of your behavior due to the girls involved”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep an opinion about myself that I heard in the past “when you are with a girlfriend, you change your behavior” directing it towards my friends that are in relationships instead of seeing in self-honesty the veracity of that in order to align myself to what’s best for all.

I have also noticed that I observe my friends’ girlfriends a lot, in order to read them through their body language and I just full myself with thoughts/internal conversations. But, when they are quiet and observant beings, I feel tense when our eyes meet. I fear that my friends may think that I like their girlfriends or that they can tell my friends “you know what, your friends is constantly looking at me. I think he likes me” and then have trouble with my friends lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others may think of me due to the things I do - observing in this case - because I imagine the worst within friendship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do nothing when I notice my eyes are meeting my friends’ girlfriends eyes without see, realizing and understanding that that could be a chance to just express myself as who I am. It’s like when you realize there’s some kind of connection with someone and you just start flowing as yourself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear interacting with my friends’ girlfriends because in my past experiences within relationships I have felt jealous when my friends interacted with my girlfriends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that “I am doing right” when not interacting with my friends’ girlfriends because I think, believe and perceive that my friends could get angry if they see me interacting with their girlfriends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my self-created fears limit my self-expression when thinking, believing and perceiving that the possessiveness and jealousy are something we must avoid in order to live in peace, without seeing, understanding and realizing that in doing so, I am just doing “wrong” under the perception that I am doing “right”, because I am apparently “respecting” my friends relationship when trying to avoid interaction with their girlfriends without realizing that communication and interaction is the way human beings build relationships and that’s way more effective than basing my relationship with a friend’s girlfriend only upon perceptions and judgments. In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my perception/judgment/fears be the principal director of my relationships/interactions with my friends’ girlfriends.

When and as I see myself reacting with rejection towards my friends’ girlfriends, I stop and breathe. I realize that my rejection is based on: my previous experiences within relationships in the past, a friend’s opinion towards my behavior when I was in a relationship that I extrapolate towards my friends who are in relationships now and my self-limitation when being in the presence of girls, because I perceive them as manipulative/prudish beings, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in reacting the way I do does not help at all, because I am just building resistance/rejection towards them within my thoughts/backchats, only inhibiting myself to interact with them in real life and really get to know them.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when reacting with rejection towards my friends’ girlfriends in order to bring myself back here and express my self as who I am without limiting myself and thus, be open to interact and communicate, making sure I am here and that I am stable.

When and as I see myself extrapolating what exists within myself towards my friends, I stop and breathe. I realize that in doing so, I am not taking self-responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed to exist in this world, such as jealousy, insecurity, possessiveness etc, because I am avoiding to face it under the belief that I have to respect those constructs, for instance that a girl belongs to a guy and that any other dude can touch her or even talk to her. 

I commit myself to stop my participation within those androcentric constructs/beliefs/perspective in order to no longer give my power to them, because those are one of the reasons why the world is all fucked up.

I commit myself to just interact with my friends’ girlfriends when having the casual chance to do it without fearing that I am doing something “wrong” or “disrespectful” towards my friends.

When and as I see myself blaming girlfriends, I stop and breathe. I realize that in a relationship both single beings compound it, therefore, if something I don’t like happens towards myself, I have to see, realize and understand that my so called friend also allowed it and he is responsible as one to consider what’s best for all and not do what he wouldn’t like to be done towards him. 

I commit myself to apply what I have learned through my experiences with friends and girlfriends in order to be able to act without affecting others, making sure I am here as self-expression and just communicate and be clear and self-honest about what’s going on, for instance if I go on vacation with a friend and we have a plan, but suddenly a girl “interferes” just talk about it and get to an agreement which is best for all, but do not say nothing, leave my “friends” and focus only on what I desire, because that would make me a selfish being.

As a conclusion; It’s fine to change the plan when going on vacation with someone else and there’s no reason to become angry/frustrated. Actually, the only permanent thing is change. But, the important thing here is who we are within those changes, because situations change, people change, places change but self-honesty does not.


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