Testing People through Changing my Behavior (Day 62)

The other day I met a girl while playing with my band and after the show we talked for a while, ate some stuff and then she asked me “do you have some room for me in your car?” and we agreed that I would drive her home, because she lives near my house.

We (my friends and this girl) while driving home stopped to smoke and chat for a while before going home.

There’s a kind of joke that I tell people when they ask “can I smoke inside you car?”

I pretend I am serious and say “Look, you are allowed to smoke, but there’s one condition; you have to take responsibility. Pay attention to the cigarette while smoking and do not burn anything. Here you have an ashtray. You have already been told and provided with the tools in order to avoid burning my car, So... if you fuck it up and burn it, you ... have to give me a Blow Job”. 

I get all sorts of reactions; some laugh, others do not know what to say at first and then laugh, but the reactions are mostly funny.

The point is that that day, after the gig, there was this girl and I told her the joke and she kind of took it too personal. She said something like “well, I don’t know if I would make it up by giving you a blow job”.

That’s when I said: Why not? Is it because of morality? Is it because I could think you are a slut and things like that? Is it because blow jobs given to unknown people are considered as a sin; impure/sinful? Would you lose your self-created definition of a “lady” if you would do that?

And she said: hum yeah, it’s because of morality (kind of doubting a bit).

I noticed her a little bit uncomfortable, so I said: it’s cool, I mean, to create a discussion here, share different perspectives and getting different feedbacks to “my rule” (the car joke) in order to improve it or something like that.

Some days passed and we met. There were other guys from other bands, and they were planning to go to a party later, but I finally decided to come home. 

That’s when she texted me and we agreed that if everything coincided during the night, we could meet later. 

Later she texted “are you coming?” and I said “what’s the plan?” and she said “we are going to a friend’s apartment” and I asked “to sleep or keep partying?” and she said “I don’t know we can figure that out later”.

Then, I decided to sleep because I was tired, so I texted her that I was going to bed, watch some porn and sleep like a baby.

There was no reply to this last message I sent…

Up to this point one can make many judgments, right? For instance you can judge me because of the way I expressed myself; too sexual/pervert. 

You could also say “that’s not the way you have to treat girls”, "you were too disrespectful", “you scared the hell out of her”, etc, etc.

And we could also judge this girl, thinking, believing and perceiving that she judges everything/everyone that goes out of her morality, being her own beliefs the limit to get to know more other beings. And then I could say “if she doesn’t talk to me anymore, it’s fine. I am not interested in hanging out with such people”.

So, what I did first was to realize that what had happened so far could bring many many many thoughts/backchats/reactions. You can write lines and lines about all the possibilities and probabilities of the reasons why you think this happened, meaning that she hasn’t talked to me since that last message I sent.

I am not saying I am worried or something like that. The point is that I consciously used my mind to create one scenario. It could be real in some similar contexts or it had gone like this probably in some people’s lives.

I imagined that she thought, “this dude is weird and like all men. The only thing he has in his head is sex” and that she used that thought/backchat as a reason to create certain distance. - Again, I am not saying this is real or that I believe is the truth of what she thinks. It’s just what I decided to picture through my imagination, like a movie.

Let’s imagine I am a really honest being. What would the difference be between a guy that admits he likes sex, porn and masturbation and a guy that hides it and due to that he is not “rejected” by girls? Girls might actually perceive this guy as the only one who is different to all men in the world, therefore I as a girl would fall in love with him because he perfectly fits in my beliefs of love based on morality; "such beautiful values that my family has taught me that made me the great person I am nowadays".

But - within the story - this girl catches her "perfect man" masturbating while watching porn. Her heart breaks and she can't handle it in her head. She cries, freaks out and do not know what to do. She now thinks she was lied and that her perfect man is a pervert.

She decides to break up because she perceives everything changed and her morality does not allow her to continue in such a sinful situation.

What would have happened if her reaction to those apparent “dirty jokes” in the past would have been different? I mean, if she wouldn’t have “rejected” to talk to men that are not afraid of talking about sex and/or porn. Probably she would have learned from it and would have acquired a new experience beyond her judgments. 

By opening herself she could have given to herself the opportunity to ask and investigate a bit more and then, in the future she will know how to handle such situation instead of wanting to run away by not really seeing what's really going on, because she was blind due to her beliefs. 

And this is not only about a partner. She might have a son that masturbates all day and she would think that he needs to pray in order to be forgiven - Again, without being able to see reality because of her judgments.

Now - I bring this to myself and I see that I tested this girl with my behavior because I noticed that she was saying “I don’t know you guys but I think you are grumpy, and hmm you are nice…you look like that, you look like this”, like making anticipated conclusions based on appearance. That’s why I wanted to test her and see if she was able to handle a conversation that went “out of expected”, like you are just meeting a couple of guys and then one of them starts speaking about blow jobs and stuff; not expected at all.

I can also see that through my imagination I was reacting with a little bit of revenge, like when you think “it’s okay you fucking bitch, reject me and go have fun for now. Let’s see in the future how you do”.

And finally, through my imagination whether I was playing or not, I judged her as well.

I will continue with the self-forgiveness in my next post in order to identify through self-honesty my starting point within changing my behavior, the reason why I need to test people and my reactions while testing people.