sábado, 28 de febrero de 2015

Part II: Testing People through Changing my Behavior (Day 66)

This is the continuation of the post Testing People through Changing my Behavior (Day 62). So, here I go with the Self-Forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not really be here as self-awareness when I change my behavior in certain scenarios with certain beings in my environment.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see, realize and understand that the switch in my behavior occurs within and as a reaction of judgment that I didn’t see coming because I was not aware of myself as my physical expression.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react with a change in my behavior trying to challenge the expression of another human being after I labeled them as “people that only express themselves as judgment”.  

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that in changing my behavior as a reaction/judgment towards other “people that only express themselves as judgment” is the solution to make this world a better place as an application fostering the removal of human beings’ judgments.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see, realize and understand that I can “challenge” other beings as a game in which everyone is willing to deconstruct self, for instance Maieutics, once we all agreed. Or even just try it, but not emotionally reacting and then get guided by my judgments.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react from the desire of “revenge” when people I have labeled as "judges" are acting/inter-acting within/as my imagination as possible future scenarios wherein I see these beings experiencing Remorse and Regret for not realizing that they could have changed themselves earlier in their lives without having to experience a realization within and as a negatively charged emotion.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see, realize and understand that all the “negativity” I am able to see in other beings functions as a mirror that shows me what I am accepting and allowing to exist within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not effectively decode what’s on my mind system in order to be aware of the indicators that are showing me - as a reflection - what it requires assistance and support within myself.

When and as I see myself changing my behavior as a reaction of a previous judgment I made towards another being, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that it’s not “bad” or “wrong” to express myself in a manner that fosters to get to know others through placing them in certain scenarios, but once I have made sure I am here as self-awareness and self-control.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I “feel” like I want to test people in order to make sure I am here, that it’s just a game in order to get to know other people’s opinions.

I commit myself to not take for granted the thought that other people are full of judgments, because that would also make ME a person full of judgments that is not able to get to know more other beings and thus, I only end up making anticipated assumptions/conclusion giving more importance to the definitions of the mind instead of really expressing and sharing life as all, as one, as equal. 

sábado, 21 de febrero de 2015

Pedophilia as Desire (Day 65)

Some co-workers asked me “did you hear the news about a pedophile teacher that recorded / photographed students?” and I had no idea.

I am subscribed to a page on Facebook where jobs are offered and everybody pastes - besides jobs offers - information related to teachers. 

I noticed there were some teachers asking for the name of that “Pedophile Teacher” and they wanted to know where he lives, works, etc.

Then, the news was posted and when I saw the picture of that “Pedophile Teacher” I realized it was an ex-classmate I had while doing my master at university. 

I got shocked and I couldn’t believe it was him and I felt bad, especially because apparently there was no solid information about what he did and I noticed that people were shattering my ex classmate through comments on Facebook without having concrete data.

I finally read the news and it said that this guy recorded teenagers using a hidden camera inside his handbag. That day - when he got arrested - there was a lady with her daughter in the street and they saw this guy recording the girl’s ass / legs area, so they called the police. When the police arrived this guy admitted what he was doing and then the police went to his house and found pedophile material on DVDs downloaded from internet, over 400 students' pictures shot by him in the street and video recordings from his house's window towards a swimming pool near his house where he observed the girls. He confessed that he used the recorded material to satisfy himself sexually through masturbation.

Now - I have to mention that there can be two charges, one related to recording people without their consent and the other one is related to specifically recording minors. - that’s at least what I can see. I am not a lawyer.

But I have a question:

What’s the difference between 1) Watching / looking at teenagers in the street, mentally record what you see and then you go home and masturbate and 2) Recording them but doing the same? The only difference I am able to see is the electronic device.

I am saying this because guys kind of like girls’ bodies even at first sight. For instance their butts, boobs, hips and body shape that goes according to the definition of a “beautiful body”. -  I am speaking from a heterosexual perspective here of course, but it can be any other.

I have been in the street with some people and then one says “hey look that ass!” , everyone goes “wow!” and then everyone takes a look again and say “holly shit, it was just a teenager. It seems that girls are eating too much chicken nowadays lol”.

Ok - What I want to express here is that pedophilia as Desire exists in most men, but one fears accepting it. One prefers hiding it due to fear. Desire is something everyone has within self, so the task must not be blaming pedophiles as something external, because we are all responsible for the creation of such issues. 

Human beings do not realize / understand how one supports the abuse in this world, because everyone lives in bubbles of self-interest and aren't able to see beyond preconceived ideas / beliefs full of victimization and lack of self-responsibility towards the world as One and Equal.

You can say that it’s different to look at girls in the street and looking for childs' pornography on the Internet. Yeah, they are two different actions, but the desire still exists within the person that feels the attraction. 

Another thing I would like to add is that there is a difference between a “Pedophile" and a “Pederast", because the Pedophile is the one who feels an attraction to underage beings and “Pederast" is the person who abuses. 

There can also be some other differences that are important to clarify, for instance when one has placed the desire in a specific part of a female’s body, one can see even 15 year old girls with a woman’s body. But, there is another range of age where I see it really hard to understand the existence of sexual desire. There are Pederasts that abuse babies. There, I see no connection with what I am saying here. Even though I am able to express myself as a sort of abstraction of my beliefs / ideas, I am not able to understand the abuse of children.

What I am refering to within this post is the "attraction" to a body = bio-suit that apparently goes according to the definition of a “hot / sexy girl” when one follows the desire through physically looking at a body without knowing anything about that being, such as the age, but that doesn’t matter in terms of the desire, because it still exists no matter the age, because the body looks “perfect" until one realizes that it belongs to a teenager.

Now - I have been talking about this with the people around me and most men look uncomfortable / awkward. It’s like; nobody dares to talk about it, because they probably fear realizing they are doing something “sinful" / "forbidden" / "bad". Fear inhibits people from expressing themselves, because they fear being judged. Instead, they prefer hiding.

It's like most people relate Pedophilia = Prison. That's not all about it. Come on! - People have to understand how this functions in order to be able to change themselves without self-judgments and thus, change the world as One, because even killing pedophiles / pederasts will not stop the abuse. Through punishment we are actually using and establishing fear as a mechanism of "change" instead of encouraging self-honest realizations through the comprehension of desires, meaning: what desires are, how they function, how they are inserted through the media, magazines, porn, etc and how to deconstruct them. - People have to realize and understand that when one fears, one suppresses, but never releases = double standards / archetypes. - Similar to the case of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde

"Hush, don't speak too loud about this, there might be people listening to us and they might think we are Pedophiles".

Why do most people fear taking responsibility on this topic and talk about it? Pedophilia has been a trendy topic that through the media got all people worried / scared that they, instead of addressing the roots of the problem prefer blaming / judging pedophiles / pederasts or even lynch them in the street as the perpetuation of the very physically inserted Panopticon in each human being that makes us believe that we have to apply “justice" and “healing" through punishment; you know, killing all “negativity" to remain "positive" in a "peaceful" and "happy" world. But, in doing so, the world becomes a war between “Abnormal" v/s Justice Murderers. 

Is that what you want as the real solution? Well, That's the way the world has been functioning so far. Have a look at history and tell me... Have those mechanisms created any substantial change?

I’ll continue... 

Part II - Your Ego is not your Amigo (Day 64)

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to depend on my friends’ mood to be able to express myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe that if I go out without my friends I am going to get bored.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to
think/believe that my friends are
responsible for the way I experience
myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe that I require to be with my friends to express myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear what other people may think of me if they see me alone.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe that if I am alone that means I am depressed or going through a bad moment in my life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see, realize and understand that each person is responsible for the way one experiences self.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see, realize and understand that if I am using friendship as a “tool” to do the things I am not able to do on my own, the starting point within that relationship is fear.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear being alone.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see, realize and understand that if there is a resistance towards doing something alone it’s an opportunity for me to walk that fear in order to see, realize and understand that I am not going to die if I do things on my own without the presence of my friends.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to relate fear of being alone with fear of death.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that I am going to look like a freak if I go out and experience myself with the silence.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see, realize and understand that the silence is an opportunity for me to become aware that I am here with my breathing, that I exist and as I exist I can create/build what's best for me and best for all.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear realizing that I exist as One and that I am responsible for my creation. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear intimacy with myself without seeing, realizing and understanding that that intimacy and silence I experience while I am breathing is me living as one and therefore, an indicator that I am responsible for what I create while expressing myself here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to interpret the enjoyment of my friends as a part of me without seeing, realizing and understanding that I am living “fun” through the expression of another and as I see them having fun, I feel the acceptance that I am doing good.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that I am a boring person.

When and as I see myself fearing doing something on my own when my friends are not available, I stop and breathe. I realize that if I want to express myself through going out, eating, listening to music, etc. I have to do it without fearing my own existence as something boring, because in expressing myself alone I am going to be able to accept myself, to know who I am in my own presence and also be able to be here as one even when I am in the presence of other people.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I realize my friends are busy or that they just simply do not feel like going out, in order to make my starting point clear and see whether I really require the presence of my friends or it’s just an excuse to not allow myself to experience myself with me.

When and as I see myself thinking, believing and perceiving that I am a boring person, I stop and breathe. I see realize and understand that the only way I can say “I am boring” is when I compare myself with other beings/moments or when I interpret my friends' body language as if they got bored while being with me, but in doing so, I am not realizing that each person is responsible for the way they experience themselves and if they feel awkward while being in silence it’s because some people defines silence = awkward because they might take it personal as I used to.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I’m thinking “I am boring” so as to make sure that I am here and find out the reasons why I am thinking that and be able to assess myself within those points through self-writing and also as a topic to talk with my friends and avoid misunderstandings that happen when one remain within interpretations only.

I commit myself to stop defining myself based on my experiences with other people, because in doing so I am forgetting the real self that exist breath by breath in every moment as one. 

lunes, 16 de febrero de 2015

Your Ego is not your Amigo (Day 63)

The other day I saw a friend wearing a t-shirt that said, “your ego is not your amigo”. My first reaction was “wow, that’s cool and it’s true. Your ego is not who you want to be with, because it’s your pre-programmed mind”.

The next day I remembered what the t-shirt said again and I did the following:

"Your Ego is not your Amigo” 

Amigo = Am-Ego = I'm Ego = When Self becomes Ego from Thoughts/Feelings/Emotions creating an emotional attachment that we call "Trust" from which we exist/live in Separation; not as One & Equal, but in Self-Interest and Fear.

I remembered that I sometimes depend a lot on my amigos, especially when I have an idea, but I don’t want to do it alone. For instance going on vacation or just go out at night, eat something, etc.

About a year ago I realized this point existing within myself and I observed what were the reasons why I didn’t want to do something alone. It was basically the thought “I am going to get bored and not enjoy. I’d rather stay home and try next time when any of my friends want to go with me”.

So, what I started doing was just going out alone. Not from the perspective that I can prove them that I do not depend on them. I did it just because I wanted to see how that experience would go and walk through that resistance/fear.

There were some moments wherein I didn’t want to go home while being alone in my car reading, writing, watching documentaries, listening to music or eating.

I started enjoying myself a lot. I laughed/spoke with myself and I realized I liked my own presence. 

I then realized that there were some fears showing up while being alone. For instance “what would other people think of me if they see me speaking/laughing with myself?” 

I also realized that there is a negative perception towards people who are alone. They are perceived as if they had depression or going through a bad moment in their lives, but I didn’t care.

I then noticed how different I started expressing myself in the presence of some friends. I mean, I began to see things differently after spending more time with myself. For instance I used to have this belief that I was responsible for keeping my friends entertained when I invited them to go out. Like, trying to create a nice and fun plan and when I saw them yawning or silent I took it personal and felt uncomfortable/awkward. Like if it was my fault.

Now, after experiencing myself with myself for over a year, I see no responsibility involved when going out with someone, because you cannot go out expecting the other person to make you enjoy yourself.

So, the lesson I’ve learned here is that sometimes we look for our friends' acceptance and we define ourselves based on what we think/believe/perceive they are thinking/believing/perceiving towards us. That’s why I wanted to create a nice/fun plan when being with them, because if I saw them having fun, that would be perceived by me as an approval, without seeing, realizing and understanding that each one is responsible for oneself. This does not mean that you have to take a rebel attitude towards your friends, but if they get bored or something like that, it’s their problem. They can also make some suggestions and together build something. Otherwise, friendship would only be a dependency wherein each participant does not accept self and can not enjoy self as one. So, how can you only enjoy yourself when you are in the presence of your friends but not when you are alone ? In this case, your enjoyment would not be part of you as one's unconditional expression. It’s only an illusion. Separate from you.