Ir al contenido principal

Part II - Your Ego is not your Amigo (Day 64)

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to depend on my friends’ mood to be able to express myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe that if I go out without my friends I am going to get bored.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to
think/believe that my friends are
responsible for the way I experience
myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe that I require to be with my friends to express myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear what other people may think of me if they see me alone.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think/believe that if I am alone that means I am depressed or going through a bad moment in my life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see, realize and understand that each person is responsible for the way one experiences self.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see, realize and understand that if I am using friendship as a “tool” to do the things I am not able to do on my own, the starting point within that relationship is fear.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear being alone.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see, realize and understand that if there is a resistance towards doing something alone it’s an opportunity for me to walk that fear in order to see, realize and understand that I am not going to die if I do things on my own without the presence of my friends.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to relate fear of being alone with fear of death.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that I am going to look like a freak if I go out and experience myself with the silence.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see, realize and understand that the silence is an opportunity for me to become aware that I am here with my breathing, that I exist and as I exist I can create/build what's best for me and best for all.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear realizing that I exist as One and that I am responsible for my creation. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear intimacy with myself without seeing, realizing and understanding that that intimacy and silence I experience while I am breathing is me living as one and therefore, an indicator that I am responsible for what I create while expressing myself here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to interpret the enjoyment of my friends as a part of me without seeing, realizing and understanding that I am living “fun” through the expression of another and as I see them having fun, I feel the acceptance that I am doing good.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, believe and perceive that I am a boring person.

When and as I see myself fearing doing something on my own when my friends are not available, I stop and breathe. I realize that if I want to express myself through going out, eating, listening to music, etc. I have to do it without fearing my own existence as something boring, because in expressing myself alone I am going to be able to accept myself, to know who I am in my own presence and also be able to be here as one even when I am in the presence of other people.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I realize my friends are busy or that they just simply do not feel like going out, in order to make my starting point clear and see whether I really require the presence of my friends or it’s just an excuse to not allow myself to experience myself with me.

When and as I see myself thinking, believing and perceiving that I am a boring person, I stop and breathe. I see realize and understand that the only way I can say “I am boring” is when I compare myself with other beings/moments or when I interpret my friends' body language as if they got bored while being with me, but in doing so, I am not realizing that each person is responsible for the way they experience themselves and if they feel awkward while being in silence it’s because some people defines silence = awkward because they might take it personal as I used to.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I’m thinking “I am boring” so as to make sure that I am here and find out the reasons why I am thinking that and be able to assess myself within those points through self-writing and also as a topic to talk with my friends and avoid misunderstandings that happen when one remain within interpretations only.

I commit myself to stop defining myself based on my experiences with other people, because in doing so I am forgetting the real self that exist breath by breath in every moment as one. 

Comentarios

Entradas populares de este blog

Getting Angry with Students (Day 30)

Within my job as a teacher I can remember a few moments in which I took things personal, but they happened during my first year. Now, I am on my third year as a teacher and it's hard for me to get angry with students, because I prefer to address the issue through communication and agreements.
Today, I got angry with a student and I didn't even realize it until another student that was next to me said "teacher, don't get angry".
The scenario went as it follows:
Students were presenting oral reports. Before they start, I take the time to tell the class that they have to be quiet while their classmates are performing, because I have to assess them and if there's too much noise, I can't hear very well.
It was hard to me to keep them completely quiet today - teachers know that not all lessons with the same class work the same due to different factors -. So, I had to constantly stop and say "guys, be quiet. Your classmates are performing". That happened d…

When You See Only What You Want To See (Day 162)

Someone made an observation about me after communicating with them a couple of times. They noticed that I tend to see only what I want to see; meaning, that I understand things in the wrong way.

At first I was within myself like “But, how can that be possible if I try to be objective when I observe or listen to the information being shared?”, until today while watching a video and then, when giving it a second watch, I realized that “Hey, the first time I watched the video I understood something completely different to what I am understanding now”.
So, I asked myself “Why did that happen?” and in self-honesty I can say that I was not fully aware of what I was doing. I was watching the video, but at the same time having a chat and also concerned about a problem I had. 
It’s like for moments I am paying attention, but then I go into my mind. Then, I get back to my body/awareness and I listen to the information and ‘understand what I want to understand’ or what it’s related to what I was t…

Energy-Based Relationships (Day 158)

Today I woke up with this feeling of loss, like I ‘had’ something that I was somehow losing. I realized that it’s energy. It’s the positive energy that I have been unconsciously creating within myself by spending time with X.

The way this came up was as fear; fear of losing, but more specifically, fear of not being ‘loved’ or that everything that X could possibly develop as energy towards myself was decaying. So, in the back of my mind, there was this idea that in order for me to be 'loved'/'liked', I required some energy.
I have realized that this emotional shifts happen when I believe in my thoughts when I am alone or when I judge what X shares with me. These shifts happen very fast and I realize that I activate the pattern but I become aware of it once already being in the emotional reaction.
When this happens, I tend to go “This is not gonna work. They are not feeling the same. They are faking it. This is only a game”, when actually the one that is participating in …