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Your Ego is not your Amigo (Day 63)

The other day I saw a friend wearing a t-shirt that said, “your ego is not your amigo”. My first reaction was “wow, that’s cool and it’s true. Your ego is not who you want to be with, because it’s your pre-programmed mind”.

The next day I remembered what the t-shirt said again and I did the following:

"Your Ego is not your Amigo” 

Amigo = Am-Ego = I'm Ego = When Self becomes Ego from Thoughts/Feelings/Emotions creating an emotional attachment that we call "Trust" from which we exist/live in Separation; not as One & Equal, but in Self-Interest and Fear.

I remembered that I sometimes depend a lot on my amigos, especially when I have an idea, but I don’t want to do it alone. For instance going on vacation or just go out at night, eat something, etc.

About a year ago I realized this point existing within myself and I observed what were the reasons why I didn’t want to do something alone. It was basically the thought “I am going to get bored and not enjoy. I’d rather stay home and try next time when any of my friends want to go with me”.

So, what I started doing was just going out alone. Not from the perspective that I can prove them that I do not depend on them. I did it just because I wanted to see how that experience would go and walk through that resistance/fear.

There were some moments wherein I didn’t want to go home while being alone in my car reading, writing, watching documentaries, listening to music or eating.

I started enjoying myself a lot. I laughed/spoke with myself and I realized I liked my own presence. 

I then realized that there were some fears showing up while being alone. For instance “what would other people think of me if they see me speaking/laughing with myself?” 

I also realized that there is a negative perception towards people who are alone. They are perceived as if they had depression or going through a bad moment in their lives, but I didn’t care.

I then noticed how different I started expressing myself in the presence of some friends. I mean, I began to see things differently after spending more time with myself. For instance I used to have this belief that I was responsible for keeping my friends entertained when I invited them to go out. Like, trying to create a nice and fun plan and when I saw them yawning or silent I took it personal and felt uncomfortable/awkward. Like if it was my fault.

Now, after experiencing myself with myself for over a year, I see no responsibility involved when going out with someone, because you cannot go out expecting the other person to make you enjoy yourself.

So, the lesson I’ve learned here is that sometimes we look for our friends' acceptance and we define ourselves based on what we think/believe/perceive they are thinking/believing/perceiving towards us. That’s why I wanted to create a nice/fun plan when being with them, because if I saw them having fun, that would be perceived by me as an approval, without seeing, realizing and understanding that each one is responsible for oneself. This does not mean that you have to take a rebel attitude towards your friends, but if they get bored or something like that, it’s their problem. They can also make some suggestions and together build something. Otherwise, friendship would only be a dependency wherein each participant does not accept self and can not enjoy self as one. So, how can you only enjoy yourself when you are in the presence of your friends but not when you are alone ? In this case, your enjoyment would not be part of you as one's unconditional expression. It’s only an illusion. Separate from you.


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Getting Angry with Students (Day 30)

Within my job as a teacher I can remember a few moments in which I took things personal, but they happened during my first year. Now, I am on my third year as a teacher and it's hard for me to get angry with students, because I prefer to address the issue through communication and agreements.
Today, I got angry with a student and I didn't even realize it until another student that was next to me said "teacher, don't get angry".
The scenario went as it follows:
Students were presenting oral reports. Before they start, I take the time to tell the class that they have to be quiet while their classmates are performing, because I have to assess them and if there's too much noise, I can't hear very well.
It was hard to me to keep them completely quiet today - teachers know that not all lessons with the same class work the same due to different factors -. So, I had to constantly stop and say "guys, be quiet. Your classmates are performing". That happened d…

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Someone made an observation about me after communicating with them a couple of times. They noticed that I tend to see only what I want to see; meaning, that I understand things in the wrong way.

At first I was within myself like “But, how can that be possible if I try to be objective when I observe or listen to the information being shared?”, until today while watching a video and then, when giving it a second watch, I realized that “Hey, the first time I watched the video I understood something completely different to what I am understanding now”.
So, I asked myself “Why did that happen?” and in self-honesty I can say that I was not fully aware of what I was doing. I was watching the video, but at the same time having a chat and also concerned about a problem I had. 
It’s like for moments I am paying attention, but then I go into my mind. Then, I get back to my body/awareness and I listen to the information and ‘understand what I want to understand’ or what it’s related to what I was t…

Mr. Nice [Day 174]

I read a conversation between two people where they were talking about me. Person A was sharing a ‘problem’ that had had with me, while Person B was judged by me as Mr. Nice, because they were not supporting Person A, but adding more to the problem. What I mean by ‘adding more’ = no practical support, but continue talking about the same thing, without a solution, but only supporting Person A’s words without questioning them.

What I didn’t like was that for instance Person A was saying stuff like “He said/did this and that, fuck him”, while Person B went “Yes, that’s too bad,he is wrong, I understand what you are going through. Fuck him”, without even knowing me in person, without even talking to me once at least. So, I went within myself “This person thinks they know me? Plus, Person A’s arguments were an interpretation of the events, so Person B was basically reacting to Person A’s reaction. That’s why I say it was not supportive, but reactive.
Why did I judge Person B as ‘Mr. Nice’? …