lunes, 16 de febrero de 2015

Your Ego is not your Amigo (Day 63)

The other day I saw a friend wearing a t-shirt that said, “your ego is not your amigo”. My first reaction was “wow, that’s cool and it’s true. Your ego is not who you want to be with, because it’s your pre-programmed mind”.

The next day I remembered what the t-shirt said again and I did the following:

"Your Ego is not your Amigo” 

Amigo = Am-Ego = I'm Ego = When Self becomes Ego from Thoughts/Feelings/Emotions creating an emotional attachment that we call "Trust" from which we exist/live in Separation; not as One & Equal, but in Self-Interest and Fear.

I remembered that I sometimes depend a lot on my amigos, especially when I have an idea, but I don’t want to do it alone. For instance going on vacation or just go out at night, eat something, etc.

About a year ago I realized this point existing within myself and I observed what were the reasons why I didn’t want to do something alone. It was basically the thought “I am going to get bored and not enjoy. I’d rather stay home and try next time when any of my friends want to go with me”.

So, what I started doing was just going out alone. Not from the perspective that I can prove them that I do not depend on them. I did it just because I wanted to see how that experience would go and walk through that resistance/fear.

There were some moments wherein I didn’t want to go home while being alone in my car reading, writing, watching documentaries, listening to music or eating.

I started enjoying myself a lot. I laughed/spoke with myself and I realized I liked my own presence. 

I then realized that there were some fears showing up while being alone. For instance “what would other people think of me if they see me speaking/laughing with myself?” 

I also realized that there is a negative perception towards people who are alone. They are perceived as if they had depression or going through a bad moment in their lives, but I didn’t care.

I then noticed how different I started expressing myself in the presence of some friends. I mean, I began to see things differently after spending more time with myself. For instance I used to have this belief that I was responsible for keeping my friends entertained when I invited them to go out. Like, trying to create a nice and fun plan and when I saw them yawning or silent I took it personal and felt uncomfortable/awkward. Like if it was my fault.

Now, after experiencing myself with myself for over a year, I see no responsibility involved when going out with someone, because you cannot go out expecting the other person to make you enjoy yourself.

So, the lesson I’ve learned here is that sometimes we look for our friends' acceptance and we define ourselves based on what we think/believe/perceive they are thinking/believing/perceiving towards us. That’s why I wanted to create a nice/fun plan when being with them, because if I saw them having fun, that would be perceived by me as an approval, without seeing, realizing and understanding that each one is responsible for oneself. This does not mean that you have to take a rebel attitude towards your friends, but if they get bored or something like that, it’s their problem. They can also make some suggestions and together build something. Otherwise, friendship would only be a dependency wherein each participant does not accept self and can not enjoy self as one. So, how can you only enjoy yourself when you are in the presence of your friends but not when you are alone ? In this case, your enjoyment would not be part of you as one's unconditional expression. It’s only an illusion. Separate from you.

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