viernes, 20 de marzo de 2015

Communication Within Bands (Day 71)


Yesterday, a member of my band; “S” opened up a conversation among the three of us through facebook chat.

He mentioned that there’s going to be a gig on Saturday and that he talked to the guy in charge and said that we can play.

As the gig is going to be held in a different city which is 1 hour and a half away from here, we will not be provided with money for transportation, food and accommodation.

We wanted to know all about the backline/equipments they were going to have at the gig. You know, if the show is going to require a whole adventure to get it done, at least we have to be sure about playing in at least, comfortable conditions. That’s why we were asking for the equipment involved in order to make a decision whether we play or not.

The genre of the gig will be something like hardcore-punk, so as I grew up as a musician in such contexts I started kidding about it. For instance I said “I bet we will have a broomstick as a microphone stand”, and things like that.

So, besides the conditions and all the judgments I could create within my band, I said “Let’s do it!” as a way to express that I was willing and available to do it once we - of course - knew the details in relation to the equipments we were going to have, to ensure we at least sound “descent”.

That’s when another member of the band; “O”, said; “I pass”.

This was the first time someone in the band said that; basically rejecting to play live. I didn’t know if he read the whole conversation in detail and made that decision, but there was no more than “I pass”, so I didn’t like that answer.

“O” once left the band and then another dude, “R” joined us but to make the story short, we ended up with the same members we have now. So, when I read “I pass”, I said “well, let’s invite “R” to play with us then” and we all started kind of kidding about it, including “O”.

Then “O” said, “There’s no transportation or food, only the invitation”, “It sounds motivating” (ironically saying, I guess).

Then he said, “I don’t know where I am going to sleep. Nobody is placing themselves in our shoes as musicians”.

Then I said, “Yes, dude, I know. It’s like a punk show with broomsticks and stuff”. Then he laughed and I emphasized that it was not going to be a show where Denisse Rosenthal (a popular pop singer in our country) is going to play.

Then I said “if we are going to wait until we get transportation, accommodation, food and everything to play, we would only play 2-3 times a year” (probably even less than that). I said this because since the 10 years that our band has existed, we have had all those “privileges” less than 5 times and we have been paid only twice. 

So, it was kind of weird to hear about a rejection to play live when everything has been functioning this way since the beginning. Plus, we have talked before about not having any expectations as we had in the past when we started the band and wanted to be famous rock stars lol. Now we do not want that and the band has become an activity with which we have fun and every time we have the chance to play live we do it because we like it and we are aware that we will have to spend our money in transportation, food and everything, because the guys that organize the shows are not big companies. They are only people that enjoy music and don’t want punk to die lol.

Then “O” said; “It’s just that I have other problems to solve instead of going to play in a show. That’s the reason why I say “no” this time”.

I said, “We will have to re-think the band thing then, because all gigs will be this way and if we are only going to practice (which “O” enjoys a lot) I’d rather not practice anymore”.

And finally, by the end of the “conversation”, I said; if “O” has stuff to do I understand, but if it’s just because he doesn’t feel like playing, I think it’s absurd. But, let’s talk about it tomorrow in person”.

Later we met (“O” and I) and we talked about it again. But this time he mentioned that the invitation to the gig was not a well-prepared proposal. He said that when he contacts some dude in charge of gigs, he mentions everything like a plan with the amount of money we are going to spend, where we are going to sleep and everything in detail. So he expects that because he mentions that that is an example of good communication and that when you are in front of a well-prepared proposal, then you can decide “yes” or “no”.

I agree with that, I mean, to have the whole schedule in order to perfectly know everything, because that is more practical, clearer and more comfortable.

“O” mentioned “I told my dad about this; I said there was no transportation, no food, no accommodation and he reacted like “whaat?”. So, I presume “O” used that to support his point. I was not there when he talked to his dad in order to know the intention behind O’s words, because it all depends on how you say it.

For instance, you could have also said “a member of our band got a gig. It doesn’t sound like a big deal, but we have never played there before. We perceive that the conditions will be poor, but you know what, we love playing music, so we will do it anyways. What do you think, dad?”.
Probably his dad wouldn’t have said “whaaat?”. He might have said “wow, that sounds like an adventure, but, it’s cool”.

It’s cool to realize this particular point, because I have done the same. When I want the approval/acceptance I tell people my version of the story and basically people react to my previous reaction. So, using that as a valid reference is only a cognitive bias. It’s like saying “many people think the same, so it’s true”.

Now – back to what happened within my interaction in person with “O”. He said that communication is not going well within the band, specifically at proposals when we have to play live, but I asked myself: Is only saying “I pass” supporting communication?”.

Then he said that communication must be clear (I personally agree) and that we have to Listen to each other. That’s when I said “yeah, you are saying it; Listening”. Now – Listening is an integrative skill as well as Reading, so I wondered “did this guy really read what “S” was writing when he mentioned about the gig? Because since the beginning of the facebook chat we knew where we had to play, so, saying “there’s no transportation, food blah blah” it’s only a justification to make an argument more solid.

Then he said “someone mentioned that it’s absurd if I don’t want to play because I don’t feel like. But, if I just want to say NO, you shouldn’t ask anything else, because we are free to do anything we want”.

I said “yeah, it’s not an obligation, but as it was the first time someone said NO, something’s going on”.

So, basically I was sure that for some reason he didn’t feel like playing at the gig. I know this guy since 2002 and I kind of know how he reacts. So, he always complaints that when he is working and he receives e-mails, clients are not specific with what they want. He hates that, because he has to re-organize or even re-write the e-mails to then ask clients: is this what you mean?.

What I pictured within my mind is the following:

"O" wakes up ready to work on his computer. Suddenly he notices there is a conversation about the band where he is also involved. He is trying to work while reading some other stuff. He gets distracted with the messages and then he goes like aaahhh!! and hopefully reads it. After reading the conversation his reaction is mainly negative, therefore he simply says “I pass” while thinking “too much shit, I don’t want do it and I don’t have/want to give any explanations because the band is not an obligation. Then, he thinks about what happened and during lunch he tells his dad about how he perceived the conversation and as he gets the approval/acceptance of his decision by his dad, plus Pablo was saying it’s absurd to say no when you only feel like you don’t want to play (kind of making fun of "O") – He gets the approval and he already believes he is right. Then, you can go redundant about the bad conditions, blah blah and there you have your belief that you are right.

I noticed that when we were talking in person, there was a moment wherein "O" reacted with a facial gesture that people normally do when they are fed up and think “you don’t understand. It’s not worth to continue speaking”.

I also know that he sometimes argues with his mom about very silly things and he refers to his mom as a "stubborn" and "superb" person that doesn’t admit when she makes mistakes. So, what I think is that her mom is only a mirror. The one who is a stubborn and a superb is him.


I have to go to practice now lol. I’ll continue…

jueves, 19 de marzo de 2015

Jealousy = Love? (Day 70)

Within my previous post I mentioned a popular belief within relationships which is related to jealousy; “if your partner feels jealous, that’s a sign that he/she loves you”.

I remember participating in that belief in the past, I mean, I have been in both positions; I have felt jealous and I have had jealous girlfriends.

I mentioned in my previous post that I reacted with anger/frustration when my ex girlfriend said she didn’t want to talk to me anymore, because she thinks that in doing so, she will be proving to herself that she has grown up, though I thought she was only doing it because she wants to avoid conflict with some new partner, so basically, my reaction contained judgment and imaginations that could be real or not, but that’s up to her.

So, in the past I told some girlfriends to avoid talking with certain beings, especially their ex boyfriends, because for some reason, ex boyfriends/girlfriends are a symbol of rivalry and comparison, especially when we want to be the “only one” within relationships or when we want to live “specialness” through the experiences we are causing in our partners that come back to us as a feedback, for instance “oh, I had never been kissed like that before”, so in those cases, you will feel as the “only one”, you will define yourself through your partner’s words based on how they feel.

I am experiencing the other side of the equation. I used to tell my girlfriends to stop talking to their ex boyfriends when they still had a sort of relationship/friendship, because I felt jealous and compared myself with those guys. But now I am experiencing the rejection, because I have become an ex boyfriend lol.

One of the first thoughts I had when this happened to me was “this is too childish”, but it’s not. It doesn’t have to do with age, because I am about to turn 30 and I have many friends of my same age with the same conflicts within their relationships. So, the problem is not the age, but the mechanisms within the relationships.

I used to be a moralist without being aware of that, because I didn´t question my beliefs. It was just “normal” to feel jealous and have the desire for uniqueness. So, my reactions of comparison in the past were related to moral, respect and honesty without even knowing the real meaning of such concepts. I just accepted what media and my environment presented to me.

I am a teacher and I have asked my students “what is respect?” and they say “it’s when you respect people”. But they don’t really know and I don’t judge them. They think that Respect is obeying and do whatever the teacher says. So, I tell them that Respect is only a mechanism of Manipulation.

For instance, when I felt jealous in the past I used the word “Respect” to get what I wanted. I told my girlfriends “hey, stop talking to your ex boyfriend. Respect me, Respect our relationship”, but I wasn’t even respecting myself, because I allowed myself to speak those words from fear and comparison. It was actually a very selfish desire of control.

So, I dare to say that when a partner asks you to stop talking with certain beings it is only fear. If they say “Respect me”, they are actually saying “I am scared of being alone, so I need to manipulate you in order to have control, because I don’t dare to face my own fears as Self-Love and Self-Respect. So, as I am not going to face myself, please you do something for me, because I don’t have the guts to do something on my own”.

And, in relation to that “specialness” you want to feel as feeling that you are the “only one”, it is bullshit. That “specialness” is only the medicine as positive energy you need in order to avoid being affected by your own fears that come through comparison. But, it is not the real cure.

How is it possible that human beings want to have control over their relationships with others when they do not even know what Self-Control is? They want to manage other people’s relationships, but they do not dare to manage themselves.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge myself as "childish" for writing about this point without seeing, realizing and understanding that this has nothing to do with age, but with the mechanics within which relationships function.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing my own fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer the medicine as positive energy instead of walking the real cure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak the word “respect” in order to manipulate a situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire control within relationships, because if everything went out of control I wouldn’t know how to be with myself in Self-Control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to feel “special” through what I am causing on my partners.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in separation when wanting to live something through someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to solve my fears while I hide behind “Respect”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak about “Respect” without investigating what Self-Respect is first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that what my environment and media show me as the example of how relationships must be it’s only an illusion that has nothing to do with real life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with my girlfriends’ ex boyfriends and then desire to be better than them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be better than other human beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect a feedback from my girlfriends in order to know how I must define myself within the relationship based on her words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe words that come as feelings and emotions without seeing, realizing and understanding that those expressions are of the mind and they do not support life as One and Equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience rivalry with my partners’ ex boyfriends within my mind, because my environment and media have showed me that that´s how things must work.

When and as I see myself using the word “respect” in order to manipulate a situation, I stop and breathe. I realize that instead of manipulating others, I must first see in Self-Honesty why I need to control someone and also see what I fear in order to face my own fear and grow as a process of Self-Responsibility and Self-Control.

When and as I see myself experiencing rivalry with my partners’ ex boyfriends, I stop and breathe. I realize that the rivalry comes from all I have seen in my environment and media and that I have to see, realize and understand that I am just following an established model that dictates how relationships must function instead of walking an agreement in Self-Honesty out of any archetype.

When and as I see myself trying to cover my fears with positive energy through the words that my partners express as a feedback coming from feelings and emotions, I stop and breathe. I realize that words do not define me. Words are deedless. And instead of beLIEving words coming from feelings and emotions, I have to become the Living Word and give without expecting a positive reward that keeps me “safe” from the fears that I don’t want/dare to deconstruct in Self-Honesty.

I commit myself to stop using the word “Respect” as a mechanism of control, because what I have to develop is Self-Control in Self-Honesty.

I commit myself to stop the rivalry with my partners’ ex boyfriends, because I see, realize and understand that I don’t have to face those guys and try to be better than them. What I have to do is face my own fears.


I commit myself to stop defining myself based on my partners’ words that express their feelings and emotions, because I see, realize and understand that I am not words, because words are deedless. Therefore, I have to become the living word as deed without expecting a positive reward that keep me hidden within my own fears and comparing myself with other beings.

miércoles, 18 de marzo de 2015

What Happens After Breaking Up? (Day 69)

After breaking up with my ex-girlfriend a year passed and we started talking/meeting again. I was very clear that when we were together both participated in patterns that didn’t really supported our relationship in common sense, but at least for me, I knew I didn’t want to be with her again though it was cool to talk/meet like 3-5 times a year.

Oh, by the way, we were together for 3 years and we broke up in 2012.

She often sent me messages asking “hey how are you? I’m studying/I’m on vacation” and things like that. The last time she texted me was like a month ago.

Today I sent her a message saying hi and her response surprised me, because it went different to our previous chats. Apparently she had erased my number, because after I said hi she said “Pablo?” and then she said “look, I am not interested in having contact with my ex boyfriend and we are not friends. Sometimes we let go of some people and it’s part of growing up”.

I said “I bet you started a new relationship lol”. She said “that’s not relevant. I don’t want to talk to you”.

I said “Oh, it’s just that you often text me, so I didn’t think saying hi would bother you”.

She said “That happened a long time ago”. And I said “We talked like a month ago and you told me about your vacation”.

So, I finally said “It’s okay. But keep this conversation saved and re-read it again. It will probably make sense in the future when you have grown up in Self-Honesty. Take care”.

Now I am going to write about what I pictured within my mind. I imagined/backchatted three things. The first one “She’s in a new relationship and she doesn’t want to have problems with her boyfriend”, “Her new boyfriend is next to her and he is telling her to not to talk to me anymore”and “She is pretending something through their words in case here new boyfriend reads the messages, because she wants to appear as she was doing the right thing”.

After experiencing these imaginations/backchats within my mind I had to stop and breathe before continuing with the reading, because I reacted like “WTF”. I also wanted to expand more on the “self-growth” she was mentioning, but the context wasn’t appropriate.

I then thought “I am right. She is wrong”, because real change does not happen in 1 month. But, the point is that I cannot tell people what’s right or wrong. I can only take Self-Responsibility for what’s on my mind and be the first one willing to change in order to become life out of any mind system/construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that “x” is wrong and that I am right based on their words related to letting go of certain people in her life when actually a month ago we still talked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to correct this person because I thought, believed and perceived that she had no idea what self-growth really entails.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge “x” when thinking that she was not speaking as her true self, because I thought there was another person telling her what to say and how to behave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my features on x’s new boyfriend, because it was actually me the one in the past that always told her she was doing wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that each person has their own process of self-growth and that my words are not going to change a human being’s self-growth process, especially in an argument.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire this person to realize that she was doing “wrong” because of the way she was expressing herself through words and then to desire her to experience regret after realizing she was only speaking nonsense bullshit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically react with my hands shaking when trying to text another person through my phone, because my reaction of anger/frustration manifested in my body for some minutes after I talked with “x”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with x’s new boyfriend, because I thought “this guys is wrong. He is making her do the same things I made x do in the past in relation to her relationships with ex boyfriends and/or close friends”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not simply accept what I was reading in x’s words, because I immediately judged her and thought “this girl isn’t right in the head”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when people change their opinion/perspectives it’s because of another person’s influence, which leads me into not accepting what I am listening/reading.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that change can be related to not sharing anymore with certain people that do not support us.

Now, I have a point here, because one must first see in Self-Honesty why I do not want to share with someone anymore. If my girlfriend is telling me to do it, that’s not Self-Honesty. I would be only doing it because I don’t want to lose my relationship, because I don’t want to be alone. That decision contains Fear as the starting point of the relationship and also, I wouldn’t be supporting my partner, I would only be contributing to make her mind constructs more powerful. In other words, supporting my partner to remain enslaved to the mind system and enslaved to the stereotypes that the media present as a model of a relationship full of love wherein it's "right" to have a jelous partner because that is a sign that they "love" us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop talking to certain beings in the past because my partners felt jealous.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in not talking to someone anymore as a request of my partner is a decision that will make the relationship fall, because instead of supporting life as One and Equal, we would only be supporting our mind constructs that contain fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when a partner does not want me to talk to a specific girl it’s because my partner is comparing herself with this being and she wants to win the battle of inferior/superior instead of winning life as One and Equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the thought “these are not her words. Someone is manipulating her” is an old thought that popped up after breaking up with one of my previous girlfriends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach myself to old thoughts/backchats when reading/listening to a different opinion/perspective, because it surprises me so that I can’t just accept it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to old thoughts/backchats when “x” reacted in a way I didn’t expected, because within myself I had pictured a different scenario.

When and as I see myself thinking, believing and perceiving that someone’s wrong and that I am right, I stop and breathe. I realize that right/wrong is only a polarity manifestation that exists in the mind and that it has nothing to do with real/physical life and that it’s not really important to be right or wrong, because what it actually matters is to be Self-Honest.

When and as I see myself reacting to old thoughts/opinions, I stop and breathe. I realize that the thoughts are a reaction. Therefore, it’s an indicator that something’s not completely released within myself from my previous relationships and that I have to stop and breathe in those moments so as to bring myself back here, otherwise those thoughts will make me experience the same emotions of anger/frustration I experienced in the past within my previous relationships when my partners suddenly changed their minds.

When and as I see myself wanting to correct a person that is apparently wrong, I stop and breathe. I realize that in doing so I will only create more friction instead of understanding and that if I really want to support someone I wouldn’t be trying to convince them they are wrong and that I am right from a reaction of anger/frustration as the starting point, because real communication occurs when we are here in the physical, not there in the mind fighting with energy.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when reacting with anger/frustration once I have thought “I am right and you are wrong”, in order to remain here as the physical and be aware of my Self-Expression in Self-Honesty instead of wanting to win the battle of right/wrong.

I commit myself to stabilize myself through breathing when reacting with anger/frustration after noticing a person has suddenly changed her/his mind so as to stop my participation in thoughts/backchats that started manifesting in the past that now I am allowing and accepting to become my current experiences.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when wanting to correct someone who is apparently wrong in order to be aware of my Self-Expression, and avoid believing that “I am going to help you understand”, because I see, realize and understand that if I placed myself in any position, whether right or wrong, I am – since that very moment - participating in a polarity equation that does not support life as One and Equal.

I commit myself to continue exploring myself in relation to the patterns that started manifesting within my previous relationships and apply Self-Writing to let go of my mind characters/constructs that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience again so far and thus, be able to become Self-Growth as a process of Self-Honesty that has nothing to do with right/wrong or even pleasing a partner through not talking to certain people to prove that I "love" them or that I have "changed" / "grown up", when actually, in doing so, I would be only changing opinions and experiences, but not myself as One and Equal.

miércoles, 4 de marzo de 2015

Part II: Helping Beggars? (Day 68)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that giving more money to beggars is the solution to finish with poverty and inequality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience blame when thinking that I am being too tight with the money I usually give to beggars.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to give more money to beggars in order to avoid experiencing blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give more importance to avoid experiencing blame as if that positive feeling I get after doing something "charitable"was to create a solution for poverty and inequality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in considering to give more money to beggars, my starting point is Self-Interest, because I am more focused on not experiencing blame instead of realizing the real change that has to happen in order to abolish poverty and inequality. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that beggars must act the same when I give them my money, because if they ask for more, I think that they want to take advantage of my “good intentions” and that they only have to accept without questions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react angrily within myself when interacting with a beggar because he asked for more money, which I defined as a “ungrateful behavior”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my reaction of anger within myself direct my Self-Expression, because when the beggar asked for more money, all he got from me was a rotund “NO”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience Regret when thinking “I would have acted differently if I hadn’t reacted angrily within myself when interacting with the beggar”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be here as Self-Expression in Self-Awareness, because I didn’t notice I reacted angrily within myself until later when I re-thought what had happened with the beggar. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that “Honest” people deserve an award such as more money - in the case of beggars - only because I don’t like liars.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that Honesty has nothing to do with Self-Honesty, because I may seem Honest for the people in my environment but being Self-Dishonest simultaneously within myself and no one will notice it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my definitions/stereotypes and preferences direct my expression, because “I don’t like liars” is a statement that I used to validate the desire to award a person positively without realizing that I might not be really supporting a human being, but only encouraging them to continue existing the way they do; within their own self-created definitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself unconsciously support inequality by thinking/believing that in giving money to beggars without experiencing blame, I am creating a change that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I no longer have to give money/"help" beggars.

When and as I see myself interacting with a beggar that is asking me for some money, I stop and breathe. I realize that my money may help them transiently, but it’s not the real solution.

When and as I see myself experiencing blame for the amount of money I am giving to beggars, I stop and breathe. I realize that the real solution is not to give them more money as if “more money” would mean “real change”.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when interacting with beggars in order to be here and realize that it’s not “bad” or “good” to give money to beggars, but it’s not the real solution, nor giving more money to avoid feeling blame, and if I decide to “help” them, be out of any belief/pattern that I have created in Self-Interest, because in doing so, I would be supporting that which I want to abolish.

I commit myself to continue investigating through Self-Writing and Self-Honesty this point existing within/without myself.

domingo, 1 de marzo de 2015

Helping Beggars? (Day 67)

Two days ago I went to the gas station and I saw a guy outside that seemed to be a beggar. When I was coming back to my car I saw this guy approaching an old man, but I didn’t pay much attention until I suddenly realized the “beggar” ran after me. 

I opened the car window and he said: My friend, can you give me some money? I have a job and everything. It’s just that today I am asking for money.

I realized that this guy was kind of my same age, so I felt familiar, so I asked him “why do you need money? What will you buy?

He didn’t understand my questions so I said, “do you want food? Something to drink? What?

And he said, “I want to buy some weed”. So, I grabbed a couple of coins and gave them to him. He looked at the coins and said “Dude, do you have some more?” And here’s when I reacted angrily within myself. I said “no, son (lol) I am only doing you a favor”. Like, trying to make him understand that it’s not that I MUST “help” him. 

Then he asked me “do you have a cigarette?”, and I felt pissed off within myself, because I thought “beggars just accept what you give. This guy realized I was interested in helping him and immediately wanted to take advantage of me”. So, I said “NO” and left.

While I was driving towards my destiny, I realized I reacted within myself when I was interacting with the beggar, so I felt bad. I experienced remorse, because I thought “it wasn’t necessary to react within myself, because when I thought that he wanted to take advantage of me I felt inferior, that’s why I negatively reacted and didn’t give him more money and neither the cigarette he was asking for”.

I thought, “I had more money to help him, but when he mentioned that he wanted to buy weed, I reacted negatively. Probably if he would have said he wanted some food I would have given him some more money”. 

Then I thought "But he was honest, because he didn’t lie to me. Other beggars say they need money to buy food and they only buy drugs and alcohol and do not nourish their bodies”.

I thought I could have acted differently. For instance, not giving him more money, but give him the cigarette. But what determined my expression was the anger I experienced within myself after feeling inferior when thinking that the beggar wanted to take advantage of me.

Now - another point that made me experience remorse/regret was that I realized that I always “help” people with the same amount of coins, because then I think “I could have given more money to that guy. Am I being too tight? Instead of giving 2 coins, I could give 5 and that wouldn’t significantly affect my pocket".

Then I immediately place myself in their shoes and think “if I were him. Would I like to receive that amount of money?” But those thoughts last a couple of seconds and then I continue existing without paying attention to it.

What I was thinking now is that I did “wrong” for giving the beggar 2 coins to buy some weed. Not because of the amount I gave him, but what he was going to do with the money.

I also consider that I do not define weed as something “bad” or “wrong”, because our mercantile system, science and “religious beliefs” demonize the plants such as marihuana, but consider “legal” to take pills which are a derivation of these plants in some cases. 

So, I see myself in a contradiction when thinking that beggars must only buy food and if they want something else, such as “drugs” they do not have to do it. Like, thinking apparently what’s best for them.

Another important point that I am able to see now is the context. Drugs have a completely different impact on human beings depending on the context/environment they exist/live in. So, the drugs point is not equally applied to all, because not all of us have equal life conditions.

If person “X” has a “normal life”, works, have fun, eat nice food, has a social life, etc. probably the drug is not going to affect him as much as it would affect a person who lives in misery/poverty where the only thing he/she’s got is a shitty environment and drugs. 

Now - When you decide to give some coins to a beggar it’s almost impossible to know their condition/story. If you talk to them they can easily lie and you have to beLIEve that what they are saying is the truth.

I know that the real solution is not about feeling piety and “help” beggars with our money, because what it needs to change is our system, not the amount of money I have to give beggars in order to avoid feeling remorse/regret.

I’ll continue