jueves, 19 de marzo de 2015

Jealousy = Love? (Day 70)

Within my previous post I mentioned a popular belief within relationships which is related to jealousy; “if your partner feels jealous, that’s a sign that he/she loves you”.

I remember participating in that belief in the past, I mean, I have been in both positions; I have felt jealous and I have had jealous girlfriends.

I mentioned in my previous post that I reacted with anger/frustration when my ex girlfriend said she didn’t want to talk to me anymore, because she thinks that in doing so, she will be proving to herself that she has grown up, though I thought she was only doing it because she wants to avoid conflict with some new partner, so basically, my reaction contained judgment and imaginations that could be real or not, but that’s up to her.

So, in the past I told some girlfriends to avoid talking with certain beings, especially their ex boyfriends, because for some reason, ex boyfriends/girlfriends are a symbol of rivalry and comparison, especially when we want to be the “only one” within relationships or when we want to live “specialness” through the experiences we are causing in our partners that come back to us as a feedback, for instance “oh, I had never been kissed like that before”, so in those cases, you will feel as the “only one”, you will define yourself through your partner’s words based on how they feel.

I am experiencing the other side of the equation. I used to tell my girlfriends to stop talking to their ex boyfriends when they still had a sort of relationship/friendship, because I felt jealous and compared myself with those guys. But now I am experiencing the rejection, because I have become an ex boyfriend lol.

One of the first thoughts I had when this happened to me was “this is too childish”, but it’s not. It doesn’t have to do with age, because I am about to turn 30 and I have many friends of my same age with the same conflicts within their relationships. So, the problem is not the age, but the mechanisms within the relationships.

I used to be a moralist without being aware of that, because I didn´t question my beliefs. It was just “normal” to feel jealous and have the desire for uniqueness. So, my reactions of comparison in the past were related to moral, respect and honesty without even knowing the real meaning of such concepts. I just accepted what media and my environment presented to me.

I am a teacher and I have asked my students “what is respect?” and they say “it’s when you respect people”. But they don’t really know and I don’t judge them. They think that Respect is obeying and do whatever the teacher says. So, I tell them that Respect is only a mechanism of Manipulation.

For instance, when I felt jealous in the past I used the word “Respect” to get what I wanted. I told my girlfriends “hey, stop talking to your ex boyfriend. Respect me, Respect our relationship”, but I wasn’t even respecting myself, because I allowed myself to speak those words from fear and comparison. It was actually a very selfish desire of control.

So, I dare to say that when a partner asks you to stop talking with certain beings it is only fear. If they say “Respect me”, they are actually saying “I am scared of being alone, so I need to manipulate you in order to have control, because I don’t dare to face my own fears as Self-Love and Self-Respect. So, as I am not going to face myself, please you do something for me, because I don’t have the guts to do something on my own”.

And, in relation to that “specialness” you want to feel as feeling that you are the “only one”, it is bullshit. That “specialness” is only the medicine as positive energy you need in order to avoid being affected by your own fears that come through comparison. But, it is not the real cure.

How is it possible that human beings want to have control over their relationships with others when they do not even know what Self-Control is? They want to manage other people’s relationships, but they do not dare to manage themselves.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge myself as "childish" for writing about this point without seeing, realizing and understanding that this has nothing to do with age, but with the mechanics within which relationships function.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing my own fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer the medicine as positive energy instead of walking the real cure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak the word “respect” in order to manipulate a situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire control within relationships, because if everything went out of control I wouldn’t know how to be with myself in Self-Control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to feel “special” through what I am causing on my partners.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in separation when wanting to live something through someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to solve my fears while I hide behind “Respect”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak about “Respect” without investigating what Self-Respect is first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that what my environment and media show me as the example of how relationships must be it’s only an illusion that has nothing to do with real life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with my girlfriends’ ex boyfriends and then desire to be better than them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be better than other human beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect a feedback from my girlfriends in order to know how I must define myself within the relationship based on her words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe words that come as feelings and emotions without seeing, realizing and understanding that those expressions are of the mind and they do not support life as One and Equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience rivalry with my partners’ ex boyfriends within my mind, because my environment and media have showed me that that´s how things must work.

When and as I see myself using the word “respect” in order to manipulate a situation, I stop and breathe. I realize that instead of manipulating others, I must first see in Self-Honesty why I need to control someone and also see what I fear in order to face my own fear and grow as a process of Self-Responsibility and Self-Control.

When and as I see myself experiencing rivalry with my partners’ ex boyfriends, I stop and breathe. I realize that the rivalry comes from all I have seen in my environment and media and that I have to see, realize and understand that I am just following an established model that dictates how relationships must function instead of walking an agreement in Self-Honesty out of any archetype.

When and as I see myself trying to cover my fears with positive energy through the words that my partners express as a feedback coming from feelings and emotions, I stop and breathe. I realize that words do not define me. Words are deedless. And instead of beLIEving words coming from feelings and emotions, I have to become the Living Word and give without expecting a positive reward that keeps me “safe” from the fears that I don’t want/dare to deconstruct in Self-Honesty.

I commit myself to stop using the word “Respect” as a mechanism of control, because what I have to develop is Self-Control in Self-Honesty.

I commit myself to stop the rivalry with my partners’ ex boyfriends, because I see, realize and understand that I don’t have to face those guys and try to be better than them. What I have to do is face my own fears.


I commit myself to stop defining myself based on my partners’ words that express their feelings and emotions, because I see, realize and understand that I am not words, because words are deedless. Therefore, I have to become the living word as deed without expecting a positive reward that keep me hidden within my own fears and comparing myself with other beings.

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