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What Happens After Breaking Up? (Day 69)

After breaking up with my ex-girlfriend a year passed and we started talking/meeting again. I was very clear that when we were together both participated in patterns that didn’t really supported our relationship in common sense, but at least for me, I knew I didn’t want to be with her again though it was cool to talk/meet like 3-5 times a year.

Oh, by the way, we were together for 3 years and we broke up in 2012.

She often sent me messages asking “hey how are you? I’m studying/I’m on vacation” and things like that. The last time she texted me was like a month ago.

Today I sent her a message saying hi and her response surprised me, because it went different to our previous chats. Apparently she had erased my number, because after I said hi she said “Pablo?” and then she said “look, I am not interested in having contact with my ex boyfriend and we are not friends. Sometimes we let go of some people and it’s part of growing up”.

I said “I bet you started a new relationship lol”. She said “that’s not relevant. I don’t want to talk to you”.

I said “Oh, it’s just that you often text me, so I didn’t think saying hi would bother you”.

She said “That happened a long time ago”. And I said “We talked like a month ago and you told me about your vacation”.

So, I finally said “It’s okay. But keep this conversation saved and re-read it again. It will probably make sense in the future when you have grown up in Self-Honesty. Take care”.

Now I am going to write about what I pictured within my mind. I imagined/backchatted three things. The first one “She’s in a new relationship and she doesn’t want to have problems with her boyfriend”, “Her new boyfriend is next to her and he is telling her to not to talk to me anymore”and “She is pretending something through their words in case here new boyfriend reads the messages, because she wants to appear as she was doing the right thing”.

After experiencing these imaginations/backchats within my mind I had to stop and breathe before continuing with the reading, because I reacted like “WTF”. I also wanted to expand more on the “self-growth” she was mentioning, but the context wasn’t appropriate.

I then thought “I am right. She is wrong”, because real change does not happen in 1 month. But, the point is that I cannot tell people what’s right or wrong. I can only take Self-Responsibility for what’s on my mind and be the first one willing to change in order to become life out of any mind system/construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that “x” is wrong and that I am right based on their words related to letting go of certain people in her life when actually a month ago we still talked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to correct this person because I thought, believed and perceived that she had no idea what self-growth really entails.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge “x” when thinking that she was not speaking as her true self, because I thought there was another person telling her what to say and how to behave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my features on x’s new boyfriend, because it was actually me the one in the past that always told her she was doing wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that each person has their own process of self-growth and that my words are not going to change a human being’s self-growth process, especially in an argument.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire this person to realize that she was doing “wrong” because of the way she was expressing herself through words and then to desire her to experience regret after realizing she was only speaking nonsense bullshit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically react with my hands shaking when trying to text another person through my phone, because my reaction of anger/frustration manifested in my body for some minutes after I talked with “x”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with x’s new boyfriend, because I thought “this guys is wrong. He is making her do the same things I made x do in the past in relation to her relationships with ex boyfriends and/or close friends”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not simply accept what I was reading in x’s words, because I immediately judged her and thought “this girl isn’t right in the head”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when people change their opinion/perspectives it’s because of another person’s influence, which leads me into not accepting what I am listening/reading.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that change can be related to not sharing anymore with certain people that do not support us.

Now, I have a point here, because one must first see in Self-Honesty why I do not want to share with someone anymore. If my girlfriend is telling me to do it, that’s not Self-Honesty. I would be only doing it because I don’t want to lose my relationship, because I don’t want to be alone. That decision contains Fear as the starting point of the relationship and also, I wouldn’t be supporting my partner, I would only be contributing to make her mind constructs more powerful. In other words, supporting my partner to remain enslaved to the mind system and enslaved to the stereotypes that the media present as a model of a relationship full of love wherein it's "right" to have a jelous partner because that is a sign that they "love" us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop talking to certain beings in the past because my partners felt jealous.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in not talking to someone anymore as a request of my partner is a decision that will make the relationship fall, because instead of supporting life as One and Equal, we would only be supporting our mind constructs that contain fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when a partner does not want me to talk to a specific girl it’s because my partner is comparing herself with this being and she wants to win the battle of inferior/superior instead of winning life as One and Equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the thought “these are not her words. Someone is manipulating her” is an old thought that popped up after breaking up with one of my previous girlfriends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach myself to old thoughts/backchats when reading/listening to a different opinion/perspective, because it surprises me so that I can’t just accept it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to old thoughts/backchats when “x” reacted in a way I didn’t expected, because within myself I had pictured a different scenario.

When and as I see myself thinking, believing and perceiving that someone’s wrong and that I am right, I stop and breathe. I realize that right/wrong is only a polarity manifestation that exists in the mind and that it has nothing to do with real/physical life and that it’s not really important to be right or wrong, because what it actually matters is to be Self-Honest.

When and as I see myself reacting to old thoughts/opinions, I stop and breathe. I realize that the thoughts are a reaction. Therefore, it’s an indicator that something’s not completely released within myself from my previous relationships and that I have to stop and breathe in those moments so as to bring myself back here, otherwise those thoughts will make me experience the same emotions of anger/frustration I experienced in the past within my previous relationships when my partners suddenly changed their minds.

When and as I see myself wanting to correct a person that is apparently wrong, I stop and breathe. I realize that in doing so I will only create more friction instead of understanding and that if I really want to support someone I wouldn’t be trying to convince them they are wrong and that I am right from a reaction of anger/frustration as the starting point, because real communication occurs when we are here in the physical, not there in the mind fighting with energy.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when reacting with anger/frustration once I have thought “I am right and you are wrong”, in order to remain here as the physical and be aware of my Self-Expression in Self-Honesty instead of wanting to win the battle of right/wrong.

I commit myself to stabilize myself through breathing when reacting with anger/frustration after noticing a person has suddenly changed her/his mind so as to stop my participation in thoughts/backchats that started manifesting in the past that now I am allowing and accepting to become my current experiences.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when wanting to correct someone who is apparently wrong in order to be aware of my Self-Expression, and avoid believing that “I am going to help you understand”, because I see, realize and understand that if I placed myself in any position, whether right or wrong, I am – since that very moment - participating in a polarity equation that does not support life as One and Equal.

I commit myself to continue exploring myself in relation to the patterns that started manifesting within my previous relationships and apply Self-Writing to let go of my mind characters/constructs that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience again so far and thus, be able to become Self-Growth as a process of Self-Honesty that has nothing to do with right/wrong or even pleasing a partner through not talking to certain people to prove that I "love" them or that I have "changed" / "grown up", when actually, in doing so, I would be only changing opinions and experiences, but not myself as One and Equal.

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